By refusing to be flexible over X's visitation with the DC?

[TrappedInThePast01]

I really don't know if IABU or not here so I could really do with some other perspectives.

Long story short: I split up with H a little over a year ago. We agreed that he would have the DC twice a week for tea (in reality this is just an hour and I give them their meals) and EOW. I find him very difficult to deal with and every time he contacts me or sees me, will pass comment on the way I parent our DCs and the way I live my life. He is highly critical and hypocritical.

I basically do everything for the DCs. I do all school runs, activities, play dates (which have to fit around his visitations), wash, clean, cook etc. I pack their clothes for his visits and he returns them dirty for me to wash. He insists on me doing half the drop offs/pick ups for his visitations despite the fact that he has an all expenses paid company car and earns a lot more than me.

Despite all this, I don't mind doing it all until he whines about how unfair he has it () and when he is being downright nasty to me and the DC.

So to the problem: I've been trying to get DC1 into an activity for the last two years. A space has become available but it happens to fall on one of his weekday visitations.

He is basically demanding I swap days so she can still go or that I don't send her at all. He is insisting that I be the bearer of this news but has actually already told DC1 this. She really wants to do the activity and is naturally upset at what her DF has said and is putting pressure on me to swap days.

However, I really don't want to. I have a routine already set up where I do things for the hour he has them and it will disrupt this for me. Also, I kind of feel like he should just suck it up because I take them to all their activities on 'my' days and actually get relatively little quality time with them after doing everything else (washing, cooking etc). Additionally, I don't want to bow to his demands because he makes them all the time (control issues) and he's so nasty, I don't think he deserves it.

Having said that, AIBU to not go along with his request? WWYD?

This is why you need to put your foot down, he will carry on until you stand up to him.

Would it be the end of the world if the dc skipped having a bath once or twice per week? They're not tiny little ones anymore.

Seriously stop the travelling and bag packing. Your role is to have them available for arranged contact.

Well, he just proved to me that this is all about control.

It occurred to me that out of 14 days, we each 'have' them 7. One of my days I take them swimming which takes up a couple of hours. So I put it to him that actually, it's unfair if both 'my' weekdays are taken up with activities.

His reply? Ok, I'll agree to this if you guarantee the DC won't be introduced to my new BF until he says it's ok. I've told him it's a separate issue so I won't be agreeing to those terms.

I've also realised that he's keeping clothes back from what I send with them which messes up 'outfits' etc. I will be telling him that after Xmas I expect him to be providing their clothes for when they stay.

Entirely separate! What an idiot he is. I'd reply (in my head) 'no need to introduce them for ages, we spend all our time shagging why would I want to change that'.

I wouldn't even say until after Christmas, I'd just email and say you are no longer putting up with his unreasonable demands. The dc are available for contact on x & y blah de blah and from now on you will no longer be sharing travelling or providing anything for during his time.

If he took you to court it would be highly unlikely that they would enforce any of the extras you do at the moment so you have nothing to lose.

But on your days you see them for the whole time from after school surely? And on his days he has them for 1 hour at a time. Not sure how your calculation works? Especially as the activity that DD would be doing is Rainbows, which doesn't generally invite parents to stay (unless helpers) whereas one of "your" activities is swimming in which you presumably stay and watch (and possibly projecting here, but I quite like watching my DC at swimming lesson!)

Yes Red, if you count doing housework, cooking etc. as spending time with them. The only reason I can do this is because I work part time as I can't afford the childcare which ex wouldn't be paying for. He is quite free to take a part time position if he so wishes.

I have to get in the pool with my youngest but I loathe swimming with a passion. My eldest gets in on her own but I can't go into watch as I have my youngest with me. It's definitely not something I enjoy.

I do count times when you are doing housework and homework and boring mundane and frustrating stuff but you also get just out of school and sleepy cranky mornings and night time kisses. My son just went off to college and I haven't seen him for three and a half months and won't see him until Christmas hols. I would gladly at this point take back the boring and frustrating stuff so I can see him again. All time with kids is quality time, it is the horrid and the frustrating and the boring that help with the bond just as much as the fun happy stuff. He may just be getting the fun happy stuff but your kids get so little time with him during the week. It is about them and how much time they get, not him.

I still maintain that you are both parents and should both drive unless he offers. Hell no on clothes washing and providing crap.

Oh god he really is an arse isn't he. Mine was the same refused to take DS to football or swimming when it was his weekend as 'how dare I tell him what to do on his weekend' actually its doing what is best for DS and what he wants to do. As if I get massive amount of enjoyment standing in the frickin cold watching a sport I now nothing about!!!

Ex has not contact with DS now anyway which does make my life a heck of a lot easier as DS gets to do what he wants activities wise without pandering to some selfish pricks ego.

Your daughter will learn that her dad did nothing for her personal growth and refused to do things that she wanted to take part as well as the lack of other parenting. I can't stand the people that start spouting 'its his time, you can't eat into it with activities' what tosh being a a parent is more than entertainment its about turning them into respectful adults and ones that think about others and can have interests and be part of teams.

Its a pretty shit thing to stop your child doing something because you can't be arsed!!!!

So apart from once a fortnight your kids get to see their dad for two hours a week. And everyone says that one of those hours your daughter should be spent completely out of his company. Yeah he is an arse, it isn't about him. It isn't about if he will go part time, it is for your kids and making sure they get as much time as possible to spend with both parents. That is more important than frigging rainbows.

Why on earth wouldn't you count times when you are doing other things? Some of my favourite moments are when travelling to and from school, chatting while one of the DC helps to prepare tea, and just odd moments during the day.

Or put another way - if they are awake for 4 hours after school, that's 16 midweek hours to account for. DH has them for 2 hours so you have them for 14. Even allowing for an hour for Brownies and 30 minutes (surely no longer?) for swimming lesson that means you have them for 12.5. I doubt anyone on here would feel that 12.5 hours of time with DC (even if some of it was while doing routine tasks) was "worse" or even equal to 2 hours of completely focussed time. I certainly wouldn't swap.

I don't count it because generally they're not in the same room as me or are fighting with each other. It certainly doesn't feel like quality time without any distractions.

Besides, it's more than 2 hours. This is our setup:

Week 1 he has them Tuesday over night until 7 the next morning. Then he has them Thursday for an hour/hour and a half. I have them the rest of the time.

Week 2 he has them Tuesday for an hour/hour and a half then Thursday from 6.30 until 7 the next morning. Then Friday 6 o'clock until Sunday at 5 (although he chooses to drop then off at 5 and often asks to drop earlier).

Over everything else I have always been flexible like swapping odd days at his request or long weekends during the holidays so he can take them away.

I realise everyone here is basing their opinion on what I have said here and can't appreciate the back story but my DC do not like going to their dad's. They call me crying to come home while he demands that I come and get them because they are misbehaving.

Maybe if this was about spending more time with his DC, I'd be more understanding, but the truth if th matter is that he sees this as a slight on his authority. He is Lord master of all and I should do everything he says when he says it.

How would people feel if I was also working full time and the DC were in before and after school club? This is what will happen when the youngest starts school next year.

Most young DC in before and after school clubs don't do any additional activities. So you would be doing 2 evenings each, which would seem "fair".

Presuming you have no choice over Rainbows night, what would you have done if the meeting had happened to fall on one of "your" nights?

trapped i get where you are coming from. I also have a control freak x. It helps to try to detach yourself from the situation

1/ it is the dcs contact with their df not his right to see them. So it isn't about what is fair to either of you but what is good for the dcs. If he refuses to see the dv. His loss.

2/ I understand you being scared of him but you need to detach from that and stop letting him control you. Really, what can he do to you? I have to remind myself not to engage with my x.

3/ do you have residency? Or joint residency? If you really fear he may not return the dc, then it may be worth getting residency so that you can get the police involved if he doesn't return them (although it sounds unlikely as he would have to look after them).

If he has the dcs on the other night, the night you see bf?, does that not make it easier to see your bf?

I think when an ex is trying to continue to control as in this situation then you have to understand that the non-resident parent is not interested at all in the children's wellbeing.

If he was a reasonable ex interested in the dc wellbeing and spending time with them then I would be suggesting the op compromise etc. however her ex intimidates, frightens and harrasses her so she needs to minimise his input.

Given that he has one overnight each week, and one evening with the hour only, why doesn't he have the same overnight day each week (ie always Tuesdays) and have that be the same night as Rainbows?

Then your daughter could attend that and still have a good block of time with her father that evening rather than eating into the single hour evening.

Frankly he's being pathetic - my DN does EOW with her father and he makes sure she gets to go to all her gymnastics etc on a Saturday morning even though it's in her mother's city which is 30 mins drive from his. That's because he cares about HER rather than how many minutes HE gets.

Start keeping a diary noting everything in terms of time he drops off, or calls asking you to pick them up for misbehaviour. If you don't have it, apply for residency (unless you think that it's v v unlikely that he'd refuse to give them back).

Stop driving them halfway and insist that he has sets of Daddy clothes that stay there and he is responsible for washing etc.

Hes using contact to control you OP not because he wants to see his child. If he really wanted to see his child he would be doing all the work that goes with it like the baths clean clothes picking her up himself etc.

Whatever happens, I hope your dd can do Rainbows. I think girl's get a lot out of it.

Tell him he has to get over himself and to take her to rainbows. He is being an arse.