By refusing to be flexible over X's visitation with the DC?

[TrappedInThePast01]

I really don't know if IABU or not here so I could really do with some other perspectives.

Long story short: I split up with H a little over a year ago. We agreed that he would have the DC twice a week for tea (in reality this is just an hour and I give them their meals) and EOW. I find him very difficult to deal with and every time he contacts me or sees me, will pass comment on the way I parent our DCs and the way I live my life. He is highly critical and hypocritical.

I basically do everything for the DCs. I do all school runs, activities, play dates (which have to fit around his visitations), wash, clean, cook etc. I pack their clothes for his visits and he returns them dirty for me to wash. He insists on me doing half the drop offs/pick ups for his visitations despite the fact that he has an all expenses paid company car and earns a lot more than me.

Despite all this, I don't mind doing it all until he whines about how unfair he has it () and when he is being downright nasty to me and the DC.

So to the problem: I've been trying to get DC1 into an activity for the last two years. A space has become available but it happens to fall on one of his weekday visitations.

He is basically demanding I swap days so she can still go or that I don't send her at all. He is insisting that I be the bearer of this news but has actually already told DC1 this. She really wants to do the activity and is naturally upset at what her DF has said and is putting pressure on me to swap days.

However, I really don't want to. I have a routine already set up where I do things for the hour he has them and it will disrupt this for me. Also, I kind of feel like he should just suck it up because I take them to all their activities on 'my' days and actually get relatively little quality time with them after doing everything else (washing, cooking etc). Additionally, I don't want to bow to his demands because he makes them all the time (control issues) and he's so nasty, I don't think he deserves it.

Having said that, AIBU to not go along with his request? WWYD?

Purple, does he really? I was under the impression he sees them more than the 'average' amount that a NRP usually does. Ultimately he could get a pt job like me and have them 50/50 but I already know he wouldn't do that.

I say YABU - but yanbu to think he's a knob.

I think he is being an arse and getting out of doing any of the real bits of parenting.

There is no reasoning with these kind of arseholes. However I would make it very clear to your daughter that it is her dad stopping this and refusing to allow her to go to this.

Have you asked him if he'll take her to rainbows? Then he still gets contact and she gets to go...

camping, YES! You've hit the nail on the head there. This is why I'm pissed off I think and you've just helped me realise it. I think part of being a good parent is taking them to/facilitating out of school activities for DC and he's not only getting out of doing it but he's actively stopping her. I'd rather not be running them round to various activities but I do it for them. It eats into my time with them but it's beneficial for them. He gets away with doing non of the essential stuff but gets to have fun with them.

newname, the activity starts before he is due to pick them up and finishes about 30 minutes before I would be collecting them. I already know he will refuse to stay with her (if he is even allowed to).

My friend's father said to her once when she was complaining about her ex being a prize arse "Someone has to be the grown up and you chose last". You have to be the grown up regardless of what he is. Visitation is for your daughter not him. It is important for her. She gets very little time with him really, regardless of jobs and how much an arse he is. It is the reality for children of separated parents, they see less of them. Don't make it any less and that includes having her do something without him like rainbows on the day he has her. Offer a day he is willing to do for her sake.

Meals, items, other crap, yeah, put your foot down. Refuse to engage, drop her off with the car running if it is possible so you can leave as soon as she goes in the house instead of hearing him be an arse. Communicate by email not phone or text, less chance of him being able to berate you. If he starts tell him to email you and keep repeating until he gets the message.

Your x is being an arse, but I don't think it would be right for you to refuse to swap days. I've been separated from my children's father for a very long time, it's natural that these things will happen as the dc get older and their daily lives change. If you want to do the best by them, both parents have to be flexible.

It is annoying that you have to do the daily grind stuff while your ex gets all the fun, but honestly, which position would you rather be in? I know I'd always go for being the RP over NRP, even with all it's pitfalls.

If he only sees her for an hour at a time, I can see why missing half of it is a big deal. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to swap. I also think it's pretty normal to share transport for contact visits (certainly everyone I know does it that way?)

You have to get your DD's on the Rainbow list before they are 3 round here ;)

Your ex already knows your feathers are ruffled by this. I would take the wind out of his sails by changing tack and saying very neutrally you have reconsidered and for the sake of harmony with the DCs on this occasion you will swap days. If he is still seeking to control you it will come as a surprise you are agreeing to this. He probably likes nothing better than to think of you squirming and resenting anything.

Don't think of this as him 'winning'. DD has wanted to go to this activity for so long. All the contact your DCs have had with their father has been for their benefit not yours. That's why you supply them with a change of clothes EOW and go the extra mile to drop them off.

Grow a pair of balls.
How can he force you to do halve the travel? He cannot. What he can do is stop contact, but that shows him for the arse that he is.

Stop providing clothes. Let him bleat about this is what maintenance is for. I bet he is paying the reduced payment because of the over nights, remind him of this. The reduced payments are because he has to provide meals etc. He refused, put it in writing to him, asking for clarification that he is not willing to meet thier basics needs of clothing and food.... This is neglect.

Then let him take you to court for access if he really wants to.

Btw, keepp to writing as much as possible.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate the responses.

I can understand where people are coming from, but I honestly, all said and done, think we spend equal amounts of quality time with the DC especially as we each get a weekend.

I also understand that one of us has to be the adult but I'm just so sick of that being me. He was a terrible husband and father. Despite being a decade older than me, he's never been responsible - I've done everything since the day they were born. I've wasted over a decade of my life with him making me miserable and I still can't really break free.

It took a lot for me to leave - I literally had to start again, I left with very little and he's still in our marital home. He can have all that, I don't care, but I just can't reconcile the unfairness.

And excuse my momentary toddler tantrum, but what about me? I do things on this particular day and it means I'll have to stop. It's just so bloody unfair.

If I've understood it right, Rainbows starts before he picks up the DC?

If so, you are using both of your time for her to go to Rainbows, and he just has to suck up picking her up from there.

Don't change the days, send your daughter to Rainbows and when he comes to collect say, "She's at rainbows you need to pick her up from there". Then he can explain to his daughter (& the organisers of Rainbows) why she doesn't get to go if he doesn't want to do that again.

Also, don't wash the dirty clothes, send dirty ones back with him and say "I think you forgot to wash these".

Him being a parent means HIM being a parent, and parenting involves feeding and clothing your child(ren).

What an arse he is, you're well shot of him.

Yes it is bloody unfair and that why you should be reasonable about making them available for contact (that is all you are obliged to do) and put your foot down about everything else. If he stops seeing them because you won't travel or provide them with clothes he is cutting off his nose to spite his face and you will get more time with them. If he starts doing his share then you will be less resentful of accommodating a fairly reasonable request of switching days.

Very sad he won't put the dc needs first, but he's a twat and that is why you left!

does he know you have something to do on day he has asked for instead?

from what you say he is playing games with you, I think you should make a stand on this, he looses they day with DD and he can have them on * day that suits you or loose the contact time. He is seeing them plenty of other times and unlike you doesn´t have to fill his time when he has them doing chores as he refuses to take full responsibility for them in his allotted time.

i also think you should make a stand re the clothes and food but also why you may not want to do it all at once! unfortunately you are the one who cares about your DCs being able to have a relationship with both parents

My x is very similar (although sees his dcs far less. His choice).

Look at it this way. When she is at rainbows you get some freetime just you and dc1. And you get free time while he has thrm on the other night. If that night interferes with an activity you normally go to then get him to work round that.

you say he won't let you stop doing half the travel. Why? What will he do if you do stop doing it? If it is not see the dc then that is his choice. Call his bluff.

Trapped, if he wasn't some kind of arse you would probably still be married to him.

I don't see why each parent shouldn't do 50% of the driving though, even if he does have a cheaper way of doing it.

What Shedwood said.
Couldn't you drop her, have him collect her, and perhaps extend the time he has the DC that day so he can still have your DD for an hour.

Or could you collect DD and drop both children to him after Rainbows?

If he doesn't agree to either, then I wouldn't swap, especially if it meant dropping something you do for yourself.

Very bad parenting on my behalf probably, but if he refused to accommodate either of these, I would explain to DD that you can't swap the day because you have something on and that you gave Daddy two choices on how to make it work, so maybe she can ask Daddy to change his mind.

Is he kind to the DC? Does he care for their happiness and well being? Would he see her disappointed just so he could score points against you?

How exactly is he going to force you to carry on supplying the things the children need during his contact time?

I bet he was also financially abusive when you were together.

It is difficult isn't it when you are trying to ensure that the DC see the NRP and you are met with games. I agree with you when you talk about equality of quality time being important.

Just a thought what is going to happen if a rainbow's event falls on one of his weekends. Will he let her go or not. You need to sort this out now or you will hardly see the children as they get older if he wants to swap all the time.

Could you dress it up as getting to spend time with only one of the children for a short time.

I get where you're coming from but if you only had the one child, this would effectively be you saying "that evening when you're seeing DC1, well, you're not doing any more". For your DD's sake, swap.

BUT...stop doing all the other bits. Do it by email. Outline that he needs to be an effective and competent parent while the children are in his care and that involves feeding them. If he isn't capable of that, he isn't capable of parenting and should have supervised access only at a contact centre. I'd just accept the laundry situation though.

With regards to travel, I'm not sure how most separated parents decide on this, but with my DD, ex does all the travelling. The way I see it, I won't stop him seeing DD but he needs to fit into my life, not the other way round. But he was very much at fault when our relationship ended, not me. Like you, I left with DD and had to rebuild my life while he held my belongings to ransom. I'd do a one off if he broke his foot and couldn't drive or something, but only if it didn't inconvenience me hugely. If it did, I'd suggest alternatives until something practical was agreed upon.

Thanks everyone for your input. It's given me lots to think about and it appears opinion is a bit divided over this although the general consensus is that I should try and be flexible.

To answer a few questions, ex has the DC 6.30 til 7.30 (although he keeps pushing this to 8 even though it's a school night and he won't give them their bath) on two nights a week. One of these is over night but the day alternates each week. He also has them eow Friday to Sunday. Rainbows is 6.15 till 7.15 I think.

I can see it from his point of view in many ways but I think it's the quality time that is bothering me. He acts as though for every minute I'm with them, I'm enjoying their company, but as most parents know, the reality is that a lot of that time is spent placating them so I can get housework/cooking/washing done, then homework etc. The hour he has them twice a week should in theory be solid quality time because he doesn't need to do anything else.

He was emotionally, financially and occasionally physically abusive. He still emotionally abusive in all honesty. I'm getting better at dealing with him more recently, refusing to answer his calls and instead telling him to text me. He is resisting so far. In reality I'm still quite scared of him. I dread having to rock the boat so often agree to things to have a quiet(er) life. He made demands of me re the travelling and clothes from the off so it's always what has happened. If I were to refuse, he would kick off and probably refuse to return the DC to my care. Lately I've felt that he's taking notes and secretly launching a campaign to prove I am a negligent parent. There's so much more to this but I'd be writing all day.

I may get flamed for this but the day that he wants to swap (the day rainbows falls on) is the only day (plus a day eow) that I can see my new BF. My BF can't do other days due to his own childcare arrangements. He's suggested that I swap on alternative weeks so that ex still has dc1 on the original day where he will also have her overnight (if that makes sense). I thought that might be a better compromise but no idea if ex will go for it because in his world, we should be moving heaven and earth to give him what he wants.

I'm just tired and fed up of bowing to his whims. Because he is generally so unreasonable I find it difficult to distinguish what is and isn't a reasonable request anymore.