To not want to go to the NYE party with my baby.

[Writerwannabe83]

One of mine and DH's friends is hosting a big party at his house for NY. He has a beautiful big house with a huge garden and he is going 'all out' to provide the ultimate NYE party, including a DJ and fireworks.

When I last spoke to him the guest list was nearing 40 but I know it has grown since then as was talking about which of his colleagues he'd potentially be inviting.

Anyway, me and DH have obviously been invited but at the time of the party our DS will have only just turned 9 months old.

In my mind going to the party wasn't an option for me (due to DS) but I obviously have no problem with DH going.

However, DH has told me that we should go, take a travel cot, put it in a room upstairs and just leave DS in there to sleep

For various reasons this does not appeal to me because:

A) I would have to delay his bedtime until we got to the party and then feed him there straight away and try to settle him with all the noise going on in a strange environment. I'd probably be sat upstairs with him for hours and miss the party anyway.

B) If by some miracle he does go to sleep which he won't- then we'd have to wake him again when we want to go back home and no doubt have an annoyed and screaming baby on our hands for hours.

C) He's BF and still waking during the night so even if he does go to sleep which he won't I will be on edge all night just waiting for him to wake up again. And once he does I'm back at Square One (see point A)

D) I probably won't know about 50% of the guests and so I really don't feel comfortable about leaving DS in a room upstairs in a house full of strangers who will be drinking.

E) I would have to take baby monitors with me and all night I would have to sit in a quiet corner with one glued to my ear to make sure I could hear DS if he stirred. Sounds like a fun way to spend my night

There is absolutely no way I will be able to relax and just enjoy the party as my mind would completely be on DS and his safety and worrying about the loud music and drunk people scaring him whilst he lies crying in a strange noisy environment wondering where his mom is

Am I being PFB?

DH has said he won't go if I don't. How can he seriously thinks it's as simple as shove DS in a travel cot whilst we go downstairs and enjoy the party?!

I think he thinks that I'm being anti social but not one part of me wants to go because of the reasons above.

AIBU to just say no?
I reckon DH will just think I'm being a Party Pooper

writer in terms of DS's safety, I totally understand that you might not feel right about leaving him upstairs if there are lots of people you don't know in the house, id feel the same tbh.

BUT some of your other reasons don't have to be massive problems if you don't want them to be (obviously depending on your individual circumstances). For example, on a normal day I like to be home so DS can have his bedtime routine started at roughly the same time, and ill engineer my day to make that possible. But on a special occasion it all goes out of the window and he'll be up well past bedtime, just shoved in the car seat in his PJs and plonked into bed when we get home. We might not have the best of nights that night, or he might be a nightmare the next day, but it does no long term harm. Saying that, if I weren't bothered about going to said special occasion, I wouldn't bother as id prefer to put DS to bed as normal.

But at 9m are you saying that you never do anything that means that DS may miss bedtime? and if you must be there to BF him that means you haven't left the house after say 7pm in 9 months? If so, and you are happy with that then fine. But if you want to get a bit of social life back then you either need to start taking DS out with you or finding alternatives to you needing to be on hand to BF whenever he wakes. Whether that is a bottle or any other way of soothing him back to sleep.

You would think that if he has this great big beautiful house and is going all out for this party then he could find a quiet room for all his friends' children and employ a nanny or two for the evening.

If you are happy for DH to go then stick to that plan.

I'm not going to my sisters party as I'll be over 8 months pregnant and DS doesn't need that disruption to his routine (I am working the festive period so will only have off New Years day and can't be arsed disrupting little one's sleep for no real reason)

Sorry, posted before I added - don't go if it means a whole evening of worry.
If you do go, I think I'd prefer the comfy pram/pushchair option than the travel cot upstairs.

I don't think yabu about point D but otherwise yabu! We took DD to friends houses from when she was a bit younger than yours and as she got older. When she grew out of the travel cot she would sleep in spare or hosts bed! Yes she would be unsettled sometimes when we went home but she soon recovered. We would periodically check on her during party.

However these were always small events or if bigger family events where we no safety concern about other guests.

"When faced with a scenario I can spot lots of potential problems and issues whereas he will see none"

In practice, does he tend to be right, or do you? You keep saying DS won't settle, he won't sleep and so on - but surely your DH already knows if DS is a nightmare to settle and you spend hours sitting with him every night, and if he isn't, why assume he will be in this case?

As far as feeding goes, your DS will be nine months old, hardly a tiny baby. By then he will almost certainly be learning to ingest either liquids or solids or both from something which isn't your breast.

That said, if you don't want to go, don't. But you're better off saying "actually, I don't want to go" than concocting more and more obscure reasons for why you couldn't possibly go. "I can't come to your party because I don't trust your friends to be in the same house as my baby" isn't a very nice thing to say to your friend.

I think ultimately, when you have a young baby sometimes parties are just not that suitable.

Particularly with fireworks – that might unsettle him if he’s often awake at night anyway!

I do think you are being a bit precious about your DS being at a party with ‘strangers’ though. It’s not as if it’s a rave with total randoms, this is a friend’s house and his invited friends, right? What are you worried about happening? (admittedly, I am a fairly relaxed parent). Maybe drugs etc are a concern in which case I understand!

My DS was 10 months last NYE and we invited friends over to ours. He was put to bed in his cot like usual and then we stayed up to drink/watch NYE tv/play games.

I think, if you want to go of course and you're not just using the baby as an excuse to get out of a party, YABU. You and DH can share the responsibility of listening out for him. All of the reasons you give sound like worst-case-scenarios, not things that will certainly happen.

I agree with the poster above that essentially saying you don't trust your and your friend's friends is not very nice.

DS is well weaned and only has 3 BF's during the day but he is fed to sleep and when he wakes up in the night it's for a feed. He will typically settle again once I've fed him but at other times he will be a nightmare.

I haven't been going out after 7pm but I'm changing that now as I have two social events next week and although I was unsure about going because of DS's reliance on me I have made the decision to just go for it. The difference though is that I will feed him and settle him for bed before I go out and my DH will be staying at home with him. I will only be out for a couple of hours and if DS wakes and cries for me then DH will just have to cope with it until I come home.

I clicked on this and thought it was you, writer. You remind me of myself when DD was a baby-bit of a worrywart is an understatement.

You don't have to go if you don't want to. But it sounds fun! Can you really not find a sitter before December 31?

I would be happy to leave him with someone if we could break the feeding to sleep issue - but who wants to spend their NYE babysitting?

And yes, I'm a TOTAL worrywart!!!

I have a 12 month old and would go and have been to similar. Like you I would definitely not feel comfortable sticking DS in a travel cot upstairs. But DS would be happy enough having a feed on arrival and then settling down in his pushchair or someone's knee to sleep, he is pretty flexible about devations from his sleep routine but I know that we are very lucky and a lot of babies aren't. You know better than any of us whether your DS would be Ok with this scenario, if you feel not then don't go and tell DH that you are not being anti social, you just don't think that it will be enjoyable for you or DS and tell him to go on his own.

Nah, don't go. Of course you could go, that's not really the point though is it? You sound a lot like me, I can't relax at big parties if my dc are there, especially when you have to breastfeed. You can't drink, you'll be surrounded by drunk people and be on hyper vigilant alert for your child. I've gone to lots of weddings/family parties etc and invariably they have ended up being more of a PITA than they're worth.
My DH also sounds like yours. He sees other couples rocking up to social events with their kids in prams or running round completely unattended whilst they get sloshed, and thinks I'm just being a bit uptight. He's currently trying to persuade me to take two dc under 3 (inc a newborn) to an adult Christmas party at a restaurant. Nowhere for my toddler to run around, way past her bedtime, and she's not the type to sit quietly in a high hair or pram for more than 10 mins! Plus I'll have to breastfeed in the middle of the restaurant in front of all our friends, not something I'm particularly comfortable with anyway. So yes, I could go, in some vain attempt to prove how laid back and 'cool' I am. But in reality it will be about as much fun as sticking pins in my eyes, so I'm saying no thanks and staying home.
Do what makes you comfortable/happy. They're not babies for long, there will be plenty of time for NYE parties and nights out in the future.

I think your totally overthinking it. If you don't want to go then don't. It's definitely doable though.

Dd (dc3) will be 9 months at NYE and bf and I think it's totally possible if you want to go. I'd probably put her in the sling or pram though. I took her to an all day wedding on my own when she was 7 weeks old and it was fine. I think half the fun of bf'ing is how portable they are.

I get the feeding and sleeping issue-I totally do. DD was a horrible sleeper as a little baby. Travel cot, pram, sling, whatever-wouldn't have happened with DD. And it'd be hell for me. (Sidenote-she's 2 now and sleeps great-and I bf'd for 26 months, so no issue there)

As you have 2 nights out next week, use them as a trial run. Your DS may well surprise you-he may settle just fine in the night with your DH.

I don't know about your family situation, but I know all of DD's grandparents would be more than happy to babysit on NYE.

I had considered taking him in his pushchair and see if he'd sleep in that, but even if he did it means I would be stuck to a pushchair all night keeping an eye on him. I suppose I just don't see the point in going to a party where I won't be able to 'switch off' anyway.

Sadly my MIL died a few months ago unexpectedly and if we go yo the party DH will be bringing his dad along as he obviously doesn't want him to be alone on NYE.

My dad is away over NY and although I could ask my mom I wouldn't want to unless really desperate as she isn't in the vest health. I could ask her to watch him for a few hours though and I could at least go to the party for a bit? It would be better than nothing.

This is the sort of thing I always agree to as I don't want to feel overly restricted by having a baby, and then regret afterwards as it was far too stressful! If you don't think it's going to be enjoyable then don't go. It's not worth putting yourself through the stress.

I think that sounds like a good compromise!

Sorry about your MIL

He's 9 months old? You obviously don't want to go, which is fine, but you could totally leave him with a babysitter if you wanted to go? Or bring him and do as the host suggests?
But you obviously don't I guess. So it's a non-issue.

How close are your friends?
This might be the perfect opportunity to party with DH; no babysitter needed, not a hotel, you can sneak up to feed him as necessary & if he doesn't settle or it's not working you can go home.
If you're a worrier you'll be thinking of all the negatives but really there aren't many.
Having said all that, if you don't want to go rather than working out logistics just stay at home & be smug when DH has a hangover the next day.

I wouldn't have gone. I stayed in (happily) with DS last year when he was about the same age. I don't feel I missed out on anything.

This year he's almost 2 and I would probably take him. This is because I've done it a few times this year and we're well practised - I know what to expect and he's much happier to be entertained by strangers. I'll also know most of the people there and I won't drink so we'll leave as soon as he gets overtired.

Stick to what you feel comfortable with, or you won't have a good time and you may as well have stayed in anyway.

I wouldn't go. My family all pressured me into these things when DS was small and I always ended up thinking it'll be fine then in reality it wasn't. Had an hour in DS wouldn't settle and then I'd end up stuck in a room with a crabby baby who just wanted his bed.

My best friend's little girl went to loads of parties with her and would just fall asleep on anyone. Slept through anything. Mine didn't and more often than not, it wasn't worth the hassle just to leave after an hour.
They were great sleepers but just when they were in their own bed.

don't go if you don't want to.

go if you do. take pram baby will sleep. or will stay up and party. he will be fine. you will be fine.

• I'm a TOTAL worrywart!!! -

this is going to be a problem for you tho as you go thru life with a child(ren).... there will always be things that will stress you out! think some strategies or in the new year take some proactive action and go on a cbt type course to address anxieties .