To think my daughter should not have been branded a racist?

[Nikinakin00]

I'm really not sure what you're all going to say...
My DD is 13 and has a diagnosis for ADHD and also for ASD.
She struggles in school, with her anger and in social situations but we are getting there and she is improving.
Unfortunately, because she is loud and can display inappropriate behaviour, she is always the first one the teacher notices and tells off or blames.
She is used to this now and kind of just accepts it most of the time!
She is very literal and will often refuse to talk to a teacher because she looks like a thumb, laugh at a teachers name that sounds like her favourite ice cream. So she can be immature.
Today in school a girl started taunting her saying she (dd) had problems and saying 'so glad I've not got your problems though' and pulling a face to insinuate she had learning difficulties (iyswim) whilst others laughed. So my Dd jumped up and said "well you're ugly with a squashed nose and you look like a monkey!'
This girl is mixed race (i know this because her mum is known in my town and she is mixed race) and reported a racial attack to the teacher and as a consequence, my daughter was told her behaviour was disgusting and excluded
I only found out when I'd finished work because the school called my parents, who collected her from school and they left me a voicemail.
I've been to the school and the head teacher basically said that the girls family are feuding with another family, it's become quite serious and they think my DD was goaded to make a racial comment to this girl. They also said that they removed her from the situation to protect her getting into further trouble and also the girls mother reports every racial abuse to the police and I'd have them knocking at my door if he hadn't of diffused the situation. This girls mother is coming to the school on Thursday with a solicitor to demand all kinds (not about todays situation) the head basically said any row or anything said to her dd results in racial accusations so I know there is lots going on.
My dd is adamant she wasn't goaded and says that she does look like a monkey and that's why she said it.
My dd's half brother is mixed race as are her cousins, we are not a racist family. I'm so upset that the school have publicly excluded her for racial comments, that they had to call this mother and say that she had been removed and that nothing was said to the girl or her mum about what she had said.
What about the comments she was making to my dd? Why aren't they equally as damaging? My dd has no self esteem, she has self harmed many times, the amount of effort to even get her to school is enough, but to deal with this aswell? She has been doing amazing lately.
The school have said they will have her back tomorrow but she is so upset. It took her 10 minutes to even get in the car because she was having a meltdown on the pavement outside of school. In her eyes, the girl said something bad so dd said something back.
I feel so sorry for her, she is 100% not racist but she as been branded one.
She very openly admits calling her a name and says "she knows it is naughty but it wasn't because of who her mum is and she said bad things to me that I can't help and she knows she has to be told off"
It's heartbreaking for me to see her not understand and I don't think the school have protected her.
Aibu?

Not at the beginning funky, you were focusing on the bully girl and how the op dd was racist to her, completely forgetting the context surrounding it!

This thread is long why would I bother read the other comments? Only the asker is important as its her issue
Anyway I see the spaz comment was rude
So why don't you kick up a fuss too?
All the other mum will do is shout at u but just shout louder if it comes down to it

There's a fairly well known phrase, Tammy'One you've met one child with autism, you've met one child with autism'. The fact that you have a fried with an ASD who doesn't have this particular problem means jack shit. It doesn't mean that no one else with an ASD has this problem.

Sadly a reflection of our society. Disablism is tolerated when racism and homophobia are not.

Riveravon how awful and so unfair for you.
Thankyou for your kind words, I do this on my own and its not easy as you have so much doubt about whether you're doing the right thing.

Sometimes I feel the world has gone mad!

You know, I really think the school need to take a stand against this parent.

I highly doubt the police would come knocking at your door for a school issue like that, and if they did, all you need to say is that your child with autism was called a spaz by a mixed race Chinese child, and responded with you look like a monkey.

They wouldn't be there long!

Tammy it's the op who said the child isn't black.

Might be worth reading ops comments.

She asked me if I understand the pRobles problems n yeah I do as my friend has it
I still don't see how it's bullying
The girls had a slanging match the other girls WAS more offensive though

Nikinakin00, message me if you need to vent. No answers, but I will understand!

Tammy except it is bullying. I have ASD and I would be very upset if someone did this to me (and have been before). The fact that your friend has ASD means fuck all. Every person on the spectrum is different.

Tammy ffs have you been drinking?

Tammy you should read the thread because then you won't make statements based on inaccurate "facts" which you have done here, failing that at least read OPs posts which can be highlighted.

The school need to take the other girls mocking of your DDS disabilities as seriously as your DDS racist remarks.

^This.

Well I made it clear in my other post that the other girl was wrong didn't i so maybe you should of read everything that I wrote.
Any way I stand by what I said it doesn't matter that the girl isn't black it wouldn't matter what ethnicity she is the end of it is that calling some one a monkey is deemed racist and the other person needs to speak to her daughter about what she says and I would like to point out that what the other girl said was absolutely vile I have a niece who is in my care with asd and the comment about her was vile it is still no excuse for what was said after
My niece is 15 and had the exact same situation she was called a retard and said a racist remark to the other person and I abserloutly disaplined her for what was said not because I didn't take what was said to my niece seriously because that was for me to deal with the school about but because as I said 2wrongs do not make a right and if I want my niece to grow up and be successful and healthy and a well rounded human being then it is my job to teach her right from wrong

Tammy are you serious when you say disabilities dont have a long history of abuse? Where do you think words like spaz, retard etc come from?

Calling a white person a monkey isn't racist. Or is white not an ethnicity

The post about Comments about disabilities not having a long history of abuse is stupid in the extreme. Joey, Retard, Spaz , Mong just a few of the "timeless classics" of the bullies . (for those who don't know what Joey Means, it was a reference to a severally handicapped man Blue Peter helped in the 1980s). The pain from a punch in the face goes after 10 minutes, this form of "Mental" humiliation lasts forever. People would be wise to remember that .

Just been in to kiss dd before I go to bed, her iPad was next to her whilst she slept.
She has been googling 'why is monkey racist to black people?'
Agree she should be punished for name calling, she now knows it is a racist term so won't use it again, she never knew.
Thanks for all your comments, all sides have helped.
Let's see what my meeting at 8am brings.

The information the school have given you about the other family is odd. I wouldn't expect so much to have been shared out, by responsible professional staff.

If the other girl's mum has decided to take a zero tolerance, report every incident stance towards racism, that is not only her prerogative but could also be seen as her fulfilling her parental duty to protect her child.

The above doesn't and shouldn't affect your response. You need to ensure that all disablist incidents involving your dd are followed up and reported as you deem appropriate.

I can understand a child who sees and speaks of things literally not understanding that 'monkey' is a term that has more connotations than a purely visual comparison. So, in light of the fact your dd struggles with the social cues on such things, you have an extra duty to identify potential pitfalls and specifically teach your child how to avoid offense she doesn't mean.

Take a deep breath OP, from your posts it comes across that you are rattled by all this. If you approach it calmly and systematically you're likely to get a better outcome. As has been said by pp, do not worry about the other parent or police's involvement, I'd be very surprised if this is of interest to the police, and if the other parent threatens you or your dd then you call the police yourself.

As it is, your next course if action seems to be to get the school to acknowledge the disablist insults from the girl involved, and push for an appropriate intervention and punishment. And make sure your dd is given and carries out an appropriate intervention, education, and punishment. After which, the issue should have been adequately dealt with, to be learnt from, and then move on and get on with your lives.

Wow - some real double standards highlighted on this thread. I had these thoughts....

ASD is a spectrum, so it must be quite hard for someone on it to say they are in exactly the same boat as another person on it, and so judge them.

Racism is about tarnishing all people of a race with the same brush, usually to assert the superiority of one's own race, as far as I understand it. The OP's DD called the girl a name based specifically on the former's perception of the latter's image. Not as I can see due to her race - even omitting all the debate about use of monkey for someone half Chinese - I completely see where the OP is coming from with regard to the label of 'racist'.

I do think OP's DD needs punishing just for the name calling, but the other certainly does too. Agree especially with PP making point that spaz was used deliberately and with knowledge of how it would be taken, unlike the monkey comment.

I can understand how the comment can be understood to be racist, but in this context I'm not sure it is. I've only recently had a similar (ish) incident with my DD7 calling her friend 'coconut head' her friend is of Ghanaian descent. But my DD had no idea she was making a racist comment. She simply said, the girl is always lying and always makes up stories, so her head is really big, like a coconut. I of course had to explain how her comments can be harmful and hurtful, but sometimes children are so matter of fact they don't mean the racist slurs that we know and understand.

There was an indecent last year in Australia where a footballer was called an 'ape' by a spectator. We decided as a school to address this with all students, and it was actually surprising how many of the students (this was primary aged) genuinely had no idea of the racial connotations. Whilst the OPs daughter needs to learn to not compare humans to any form of animal (at least out loud), I can well believe that she didn't understand the racial implications of what she said.

So your DD gets bullied at school and goaded for her disability, feels anxious, scared, pushed into a corner, in front of goodness knows how many other pupils, is shit scared, says a comment in her moment of stress which could or could not be construed as racist and now she and only she gets excluded from school because of the incident.

Plus you are made to feel like you can't stick up for your own DD in any shape or form because the other parent has made a complaint and their family have issues.
I feel for you OP and have no idea how I would broach the situation, yet.

My daughter is white-East Asian biracial and if someone called her a monkey it wouldn't even occur to me to think of it as a racial slur--there is no history of monkey insults being used as a racial slur for people of this kind of ethnicity, so I am guessing that most likely the OP's daughter just tried to think of a random ugly animal to use as an insult.

Now, if someone said something like "chink" or "slitty eyes" that would be different.