Feel like a massive failure :(

[startrek90]

I have a 7 wk old DS and have been trying to bf him. Its really hard as recently all he does is feed from me. I have had 5 hours sleep in the last 4 days. He won't settle down for longer than 40 mins and its wearing me out.

My DH tries to help but he works ft (8am-9pm) and so needs his sleep too. My MiL suggested giving him a bottle of formula in the evening to try and get him to sleep longer and took him for 3 hours on sunday so I could rest.

Feel like a failure. I can't feed my child properly. I couldn't give birth to him properly (had to have a EMCS). I can't manage the house or shopping or cooking at all. My DH thinks I am overwhelmed and does help out but I just feel bad that he is doing so much and I can't manage the simplest task.

To make everything worse my mum and dad are flying over to see me next week for a few days and my flat is a state. I feel like a bad wife and mum :(

My DH says I am tired and being unreasonable. I feel like a failure. Having a baby and feeding him is something I am supposed to be able to do naturally but its sooo hard :( I feel like a massive burden on my DH and I am letting DS down.

Just need to vent.

report you for what? a bit of mess ? Your 7 weeks post op from major abdominal surgery and breast feeding a prem baby.

no one in their right minds expects you to even be dressed.

Please don't put so much pressure on yourself to be some kind of super hero.

You are doing a fantastic job. Your parents can sod off, they can come when dd is 6 . Please don't be too hard on yourself.

Have you been to see your doctor? You seem to be feeling lower than you should. There is a chance there is some PND here.

I cannot believe that you are giving up your bed for your parents! Can't they stay in a guesthouse? You need the comfort of your own bed.

Please let your MiL help. It is something she has offered. Take advantage. Your DH will have to pull his weight a bit more till the visit is over.

Do you know if your DS is putting weight on? Could he possibly have a tongue tie so he isn't getting enough milk in one 'hit'?
There is no shame if you're finding it too much to add in a bottle or change over completely.

Please stop beating yourself up!

Oh OP

You made a gorgeous baby inside you and had him delivered safely. That is very far from failure.

I found BFing very easy and BFed exclusively until DD started weaning.

I don't mention that to rub your nose in it. I mention it because, despite finding it a doddle, I am determined to mix feed with the next baby I have. Why? Because it will be so much easier if DP can help out with feeds too!!

Don't beat yourself up. Cut yourself some slack and accept all the help and short cuts that are on offer.

When you're in it it feels like forever, but this period is so short lived. Fuck the state of the flat for now :)

Op I have been where you are. Don't take this the wrong way but you are not thinking straight, I definately wasn't at the time. You are very anxious right now but you WILL feel better. I dont know when but you will. In the meantime try not to be hard on yourself. You are being very hard on yourself. It doesn't matter how your was born,is fed, if your house is a mess. What matters is the baby being happy and YOU having good emotional health. Get out for a walk, watch shit telly, have a pj day. If you dont you look back and wish you had! What do you enjoy? Reading? Films? And no sleep is absolutely awful, the absolute pits, when dc were small and crap sleepers I was in a terrible state emotionally (just like you described, word for word). When they slept better it was like I instantly felt better. So please dont underestimate exhaustion, and you do sound exhausted. By the way life got better for me like you probably dont think could happen right now! But I remember that place well-its pure hell. You'll get there [

I don't think anyone has mentioned that 7 weeks can be a time when the baby has a massive growth spurt and wants to feed constantly.

I felt a complete wreck at that point and I had a husband who came home and took over at 7pm and always cooked supper etc brought me cup of tea first thing in the morning.

I would get MIL to do some cleaning for you (surely all MIL love cleaning and tut tutting) pretend to be feeling faint, retire to bed with the baby and have a long time just lying around feeding at least until your parents come, rather than rushing around now and losing the last bit of strength you have before the guests come. Then make a plan for when they come. Ask them to take baby out for little walks around the block if you can and make it clear that you love having them look after you both. Do not look after them. Thank them profusely the entire visit for looking after you, and how welcome another pair of arms is.

Breastfeeding can be absolutely exhausting for the first 12 weeks, even if there isn't a problem with the feeding itself or milk supply. Have you experimented with baby slings etc so you can fall asleep in a chair perhaps without having to put the baby down.

Try posting this in the breast and bottle feeding part of Mumsnet too for more detailed advice.

Please accept the help your MIL and DH are offering, you will actually kick yourself for refusing it when the dust settles and you are out of this fog. Cancel ma and pa, you and your baby and DH come first now; they clearly do not have your best interests at heart.

But yeah, first and foremost, swallow the pride and let MIL pick up the mop and pass the baby a bottle.

You are doing a great job.

Also an undiagnosed problem with latching on (where baby is appearing to feed properly but not quite rolling their lips back properly) can be a reason why baby is never satisfied after a feed, and that is worth sorting out before you think you have failed to provide enough milk. Especially with premature babies. Expressing milk so that you get a stretch of rest at a certain point in the day is another thing mums of prem babies sometimes do if they want to be sure that the milk is going in and silence any naysayers. But one bottle of formula a day is not going to mean the end of breastfeeding. It could mean that you have the strength to carry on.

All this doesn't make u a failure you sound depressed have u spoken to your doctor?
Failure is someone who always quits that's isn't u

If breast feeding is not working out there is nothing wrong with formula! I saw my bed friend turn into someone she is not over bf and the pressure and it led to PND
I have an 11week old and wanted to breast feed! After a week weight loss and refusing to latch and being very unhappy I decided happy baby is most important and she took to the bottle like a pro and has been a happy baby ever since! I tried expressing but that didn't work out! Don't put do much pressure on yourself! You have just grown a human who is completely reliant on you after you have had a major opperation!
Hope things work out!

startrek90 you are amazing, your baby is a miracle. Please do not be hard on yourself. There are lots of hormones in your system and these can affect how you feel. Plus your body has been through something major.

I *suggest you accept good help when its offered, sleep when baby sleeps, and if it feel appropriate get to the doctor and ask about baby blues/post natal depression because it sounds like you have it a bit. A lot of people do. I felt really bad when dd was first born. I had a C-section and an infection and I felt terrible. I almost became agoraphobic, not wanting to go out. But I had signed up for and paid for an NCT post natal group so I felt I had to go, and it really helped. It meant I could get to see other people with babies, swap stories and tips and drink a cuppa in peace.

When the time is right see what groups or clubs are around where you live. I know you are abroad and not in an English speaking country but almost anywhere you will find others who speak English and babies are great connections! You and other mums will have things in common and that can help you feel less alone. Maybe hearing how others struggle with this or that will help you know that you are normal. It really is not easy at first!

I can't begin to suggest what is best re feeding. I breast fed and it was hard at first but eventually came right and I enjoyed it and found it good. BUT if you feel it is right for you to stop and use formula then do what is right. If you do want to access information in English I found NCT and La Leche league helpful.

www.nct.org.uk/parenting/how-breastfeed

www.laleche.org.uk/content/get-support

I cannot emphasise enough how important it is that you look after you and if breastfeeding does not work for you then, IMHO, do what is right for you.

Your baby will not be removed for a messy flat.

If the flat is bothering you can anyone help you tidy it. Do you have any friend who could help you tidy just so you can feel calmer about it?

You are not a failure or a burden, you are a new mum and it will get easier but please get whatever help you can. You are worth it. You need to be fit and well for you and for your baby and you completely worth it.

Congratulations on your new baby. It doesn't matter how you give birth or how you feed your baby - as long as you love him and cuddle him.

Relax and ask for her help from your mother in law. It sounds like you don't have a great relationship with your parents which is a shame, but can't be helped. So build on the support your mother in law is obviously willing to provide. And try to get some sleep. Then everything will feel better.

Good luck

I've only read pages 1 and 3 so sorry if this has been suggested on page 2 but come and join us on the October postnatal threads if you haven't already (I don't remember seeing your name on there, but that may be me being stupid!) Even if you just read but don't post, you'll see that pretty much everyone has struggles and you're not alone. I think in RL people paint a rosy picture of life with a new baby but that's definitely not the reality!

My son is 6 weeks now and I only managed to bf for 2 days. I had EMCS too so I'm more of a failure than you, lasting 7 weeks and counting (only joking, neither of us are failures!)

Can your parents stay in a hotel/ b&b? That way you can keep your bedroom and fling all your crap in there to create the illusion of tidiness elsewhere.

I've been struggling to ask for help too but I'm beginning to realise I need to, and it doesn't make me a bad mother- it makes me normal!

I hope things improve for you, and maybe see you on the postnatal thread.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2234977-October-2014-thread-3-Maybe-well-get-some-sleep-soon?msgid=50947995#50947995

Hang on, you can't possibly give your parents your bed, you've just had major surgery. If your mother wants to come she stays elsewhere.

Right, (stern but kind voice) you have spent the last year growing an actual person. You endured illness and major abdominal surgery to make sure that person arrived safely. You are nourishing the person yourself. So far, so awsome. So (and this is the stern bit) STOP GIVING YOURSELF A HARD TIME.

Right now your job is taking care of baby and yourself. Everything else, and I mean EVERYTHING is someone else's problem.

Your mother wants to visit, fine. She stays in a hotel and cleans the flat. Cooks you food. Then she can have a cuddle.

Your MIL sounds great, use that. Trust me, the grandma who doesn't want to be useful is rare. Channel that, tell her you all need feeding so can she do you a few meals and while you have a bath and feed the baby can she just push the hoover round.

Your DH sounds great. Talk to him. He can spend a few mins a day doing a bit of tidying.

Its not forever. DDs feeding settled down at around 10 weeks. We co slept until about 2 years (she was a boob monster). You are doing an amazing job. Get in touch with some helplines, local mumsnetters, whoever it takes to help you get through. I remember sitting sobbing on the sofa because my MIL had a go because I wouldn't go visit. Drive 2 hours with tiny 5 week old baby who fed every 45 mins to not be allowed near her. DH had to tell her to back off.

I promise it gets better, the memory of this time stays with you, so be selfish, look after you and baby and make them memories of snuggles not stresses.

Your parents need to book a B&B, this is non negotiable!

You need to stay in your bed, have lots of skin to skin with the baby. Have your DH get in lots of simple food- nice breads, cold meats, soups, olives, cheese, pastries. Simple assembly no cook no fuss stuff.

Start really really taking care of yourself. Be a little selfish!

Get your MIL round and ask her to clean for you. I would bet the farm that she is ITCHING TO DO MORE.

Please please be kind to yourself.

The constant bf phase will pass, though if you need to switch to mixed or ff for your sanity there's nothing wrong with that. I would invest in a stretchy sling anyway, good for giving you your hands back while bf and also for general cuddles.

Don't feel guilty about your MIL helping. She sounds lovely and I'm sure she's enjoying the cuddles. She knows she gets to hand him back.

Your parents need to stay in a hotel. You need your DH and your bed. I would direct your DM to help . Realistically you're going to have DS attached to you so the cuddles she's after will be limited so she may as well make herself useful . Certainly don't feel bad about the mess.

You're certainly not a failure. Bf for 7 weeks post EMCS is an achievement in itself. Take care of yourself. Hope things start feeling a bit easier soon.