Feel like a massive failure :(

[startrek90]

I have a 7 wk old DS and have been trying to bf him. Its really hard as recently all he does is feed from me. I have had 5 hours sleep in the last 4 days. He won't settle down for longer than 40 mins and its wearing me out.

My DH tries to help but he works ft (8am-9pm) and so needs his sleep too. My MiL suggested giving him a bottle of formula in the evening to try and get him to sleep longer and took him for 3 hours on sunday so I could rest.

Feel like a failure. I can't feed my child properly. I couldn't give birth to him properly (had to have a EMCS). I can't manage the house or shopping or cooking at all. My DH thinks I am overwhelmed and does help out but I just feel bad that he is doing so much and I can't manage the simplest task.

To make everything worse my mum and dad are flying over to see me next week for a few days and my flat is a state. I feel like a bad wife and mum :(

My DH says I am tired and being unreasonable. I feel like a failure. Having a baby and feeding him is something I am supposed to be able to do naturally but its sooo hard :( I feel like a massive burden on my DH and I am letting DS down.

Just need to vent.

Firstly congratulations on your new baby you are doing a fantastic job.

I was you 9 years ago. C section, trouble feeding, felt like a total failure and I had my mum and mil to help pretty much every day - didn't stop me phoning Dh to come home from work at 3 in the after noon though because I was still in my pjs and dropped a full nappy on the floor and didn't think I could take any more. It happens.

You need some sleep and support but I promise you it does get better and it does get easier. Let your mil help she will feel better for it too and do you know if there is a bf support group near where you live. It is great to share stories and tips and the odd bottle of ff is not the end of the world. Both my children were given f at times and yet I went on to bf them both past their first birthdays.

Just read your latest comment-you are not a burden to anyone! You are nurturing you husband's first son-he will want to do everything to help and look after you! Same applies to your MIL. It is hard to adapt to life with a child-you are out of control now and that little bundle is in the driving seat! Let your family help out more-you wee man isn't going to benefit from a mum who is dead on her feet, if you want to keep on feeding him the you need to be well too! Get help, eat LOADS to replenish all the energy lost. And hope you DM has changed a bit when she arrives....

I remember this well. It's hellish. It took 5 weeks just to get to grips with breastfeeding. I only tidied or washed up when absolutely had to (HV/MW coming etc) and only washed DP's work clothes and essentials like our underwear or baby vests. DP picked up slack where he could. (V. Similar hours your OH)
Once I had a bit more confidence BF I used to do it with DD laying in middle of the bed and once DD settled and fell asleep, so did I! You just have to do your best at this stage and once you've found your rhythm together you can slowly start to add in other bits to your day. Take care of yourself and don't be afraid to ask your OH, friends and family for help until you feel stronger.

Oh startrek I recognise so much of what you are saying. Please, please try to remember that you are massively sleep deprived and it makes everything a million times worse.

Clam I felt exactly the same about my EMSC - it was the last thing I expected and I felt almost ashamed that my body let me down, I let DS down etc etc.
It is irrational but it is completely normal and it will pass, but you are allowed to grieve for the 'birth' if it helps you. Some people swear by having a bath with the baby and recreating the moment where they are born and passed into your arms - I didn't do it, but a friend found it therapeutic.

You're right, breastfeeding can be so hard, but it can be wonderful too for many people. I don't want to add to your worries but I'd really, really advise you to post on the infant feeding topic about supplementing feeds if you would like to continue breastfeeding - it's not always best to substitute night feeds as these 'put in the order' for the next day's milk. Ideally you could supplement a day feed and catch up on sleep BUT happy Mum, happy baby and don't give a second thought to using formula if it keeps you sane. Do you know which of your friends were FF Or BF? In the long run it makes very little difference.

Finally, for the love of God USE that MIL!!! She's offering help, you need help, she's probably desperate to be useful and spend time around the baby. Mine was and it made life so much easier when I relaxed the reigns a bit and let her cook a few dinners. She's ace.

You don't have to be perfect startrek and you don't have to do it alone x

OP my baby is now 12 weeks. I felt like you. The first weeks were awful, I cried daily. But really the housework just does not matter. You and your baby matter. Take help. I didn't. I did too much. And now I've screwed my back and can't even hold my baby atm. Not that that will happen to you but just look after yourself. Your physical and mental health are paramount. [FLOWERS] congratulations on your baby.

As others up-thread^^ have said, let your MIL help if she is offering even if she just keeps an eye on little Ds in the flat while you have a decent kip.
If I had had that little sleep I would be a blubbering mess and no good to anyone or anything. You are NOT letting anyone down !

Please let others help. I had a premie and your DS isn't really 7 weeks he is 2 weeks old. I found my DD didn't really get the hang of feeding until she was over 2 weeks corrected. The early very newborn phase which all my friends spoke about lasting 2-4 weeks was that plus the prem part for me.

Take the help on offer and when it comes to it a well fed baby is all that matters - formula isn't poison. If that is what is needed you haven't failed - you are making the choice you need to for you and your son.

Jesus woman you have just made a whole new person. Take a good look at him. He's perfect, right? You did that.

Cut yourself some slack. Your house should be a pit. Your hair should be unwashed. You should be on your knees with tiredness - that's the whole deal. Take all the help you are offered and concentrate on your own recovery. This is bloody hard work. The first few months of motherhood is like living through a warzone, seriously. Everyone feels like you do.

That said, some practicalities: can you check your DS for tongue tie? Both my two fed constantly because they were tongue tied but a simple snip sorted that immediately. BFing is immensely hard to begin with, especially around the 6 week growth spurt where they just latch on pretty much all day. Can you get a sling? With a nice soft one you can just strap them on and get on with stuff. Much easier. With time you will perfect the art of feeding whilst opening the door to the postman etc. it gets easier, hang in there!

Also please watch out for feelings of uselessness. Sometimes this can be PND speaking so if you find yourself feeling not good enough a lot have a word with your health visitor just in case.

Take care of yourself, you are doing great

You are not a failure. You are doing a wonderful job. DS is TINY. Please let the housework slide or take help - it really doesn't matter. You have the rest of your life to have a tidy, clean home - even working FT, your DH should be able to keep things ticking over.

Are you getting support with the feeding (if that's what you want). If formula is the answer, then go for it. If you want help with breastfeeding talk to your health visitor or go to the feeding boards here. But - crucially, and I say this as a BF peer supporter - whatever you feed your baby, you are not letting him down. You are being a great parent. You ARE a great parent.

oh, bless you.
expect your baby to be at the breast 24/7. that's normal. you get used to it.
don't expect to have normal sleep.
don't think you can do any housework or shopping.
in some societies, you'd be in a room/hut on your own with the baby, with people bringing you meals but forbidden to disturb you, for three months. that's the minimum for getting to know your baby and establishing some kind of breastfeeding. it takes ages. you both have to learn.
anyone who comes to the house (and I'd limit visitors) should do something for you, not the other way round. they need to bring meals, do errands, put on some washing. their super-treats should be 'being allowed to hold the baby for twenty minutes while you have a bath' (leave a tap running. you'll 'hear' the baby crying even if he's fast asleep) and 'sitting with the baby whilst you take a nap'. note, they aren't 'taking over', they act on your instructions (if they don't, send them home - "You'll have to go now, I need to be alone with the baby") and they aren't taking the baby out. you're the mum, you're in charge.
this time of your life is very difficult but also very precious. good luck.

You are so totally NOT a failure. You made a whole human being. You kept him safe and warm and fed inside you for months, and now you're keeping him safe and warm and fed in your arms, whether you choose to bf or ff is not really that important.

As for the dirty flat, my aunt had a poem on her wall for years and years that helped her to remember the important things:

I hope my children look back on today,
And see a mother who had time to play.
Children grow up while you're not looking,
There'll be years ahead for cleaning and cooking.
So quiet now cobwebs, and dust go to sleep,
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

Anyone who doesn't understand that taking care of your child is more important than keeping your home spotless should simply jog on.

Please accept help when it's offered, however hard that is to do. I had a similar experience bf my dd. After 3 weeks of screaming I finally gave in and asked my mother-in-law for help! House got tidied, I had a nice afternoons rest and came back downstairs to MIL and two of her friends having tea, dd sound out

Everything is so much more manageable with sleep, whether you decide to give a bottle/express or keep on with bf-ing. Good luck xx

I seem to remember about 8 weeks was the very worst time. You think it should be getting better but in reality it starts getting better at 4 months in my experience.

Have you talked to gp/ hv about the way you are feeling re: failure? It may help to have counselling to help you come to terms with the prem cs delivery, it's really not a nice experience.

Just . You're going to be just fine. I remember feeling like this too.

BFing was 10 weeks of hell for us (DD was 2.5wks early, very small and struggled to learn the skill). Small mouth and big norks didn't help either I didn't have visitors until I'd cracked it and felt more comfortable. The house was a state and I got a cleaner in to help. Most days I sat on the sofa or in our bedroom with DD, watching Desperate Housewives box sets. I ended up BFing until DD was 18mo, so we definitely got there in the end but it was awful at the start.

There's no shame at all in mixed feeding or FF. Just do whatever you need to get through the day/night, either as a one-off or ongoing. Happy mummy will help with a happy baby. You're not a failure, you're wanting to do the best for your baby.

Postpone your parents too, especially if they're not going to be helpful. If you've hardly spoken to them for 3 years then you've got nothing to lose by asking them to come after the New Year.

Repeating what's already been said countless times - you are NOT a failure!

I know exactly where you're coming from talking about your c section, guilt and pressure on yourself to bf - EMCS at 33 weeks because of my own (unexpected) health problems, then a struggle to bf. I spent months going round in circles of guilt and sadness because it wasn't meant to happen like that BUT those feelings have gone now and what I'm left with is a beautiful, happy baby girl. It doesn't matter how she got here, it matters that she's here. It's taken time but the guilt passes.

As someone's said up thread, your 7 week old is only really a 2 week old - still acting like a new born even though it's been 7 weeks. The regular feeding could be due to a growth spurt or the baby trying to up supply. It's definitely worth getting checked for tongue tie or getting other advice from a bf counsellor or clinic in case there's another reason though. You've done a fantastic job bf for 7 weeks and mixed feeding won't undo that - and if it makes you a more rested, happier mum it could help you to do more for your little one in other ways as the weeks go on.

If you really feel like you can't ask any more of your mil or dh, can you stretch to a cleaner for a few hours to get the flat straight? Cook does great precooked meals if you want to make a good impression for your parents - you can order online and they have a new mums' discount. These few weeks are all about finding the help and the cheats that mean you can just follow your baby's routine if you need to.

A newborn is hard, hard work especially after the start that you've had as a family - there's no such thing as fair at this stage for you or your husband.

Let your MIL help. She will love being asked.

To put it in perspective, my MIL cleaned my house top to bottom every week for a year after I had kids. DM cooked for us every night for 6 months. I had PND and just could not do it.

Part of me having PND was the terrible pressure I put on myself to do things 'right'. That included persisting with breastfeeding an early, unwell DS even though it meant I was so exhausted I kept passing out. I really wish I had not done that to myself and my family.

Take the help, mix-feed, forget about what you 'should' be doing.

I think you sound bloody amazing. I had an elcs due to breech baby and was a huge disaster with bf - he was born thurs and I was expressing by the sunday and wholly ff by 3 weeks. go easy on yourself. the hormones are raging, youve had a mega op and - I made this mistake - DO NOT RUN ROUND VISITORS AND WAIT ON THEM. make them help you.
Cant do flowers emoticon on phone cos no idea how to. and also a v unmumsnetty hug cos my god we all need them sometimes. xx

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture that has been banned by the US because it is considered too severe. It is no joke. You can't think clearly. Don't worry about your flat being a state. I'm sure your parents eill be more than happy to help. Is there anyway you can get a cleaner or something to take the burden off.?

It will not be t greatest is way for long I promise everything is a million times worsr with no sleep. You are not a failure

You poor poor thing. It is sleep deprivation and sheer exhaustion making you talk and think this way. I would ask your DH to take a few days off - you need to make a little nest in you'd bed for you and your baby and don't emerge again until you feel a better again. Otherwise you will get ill. Mixed feeding at this stage is perfectly fine, it's not as if you're giving up breast feeding. Let mil have her fill of her new grandchild, you will be doing each other a favour. Your DH sounds lovely in my opinion, but he needs to take a big more time off. Nothing wrong with how you are coping with this. I've been there post Emergency CS too and I wish I'd have taken my own advice instead of trying to make it appear as though I could maintain a house, a healthy baby, a healthy mind, food on table etc on 1 hour sleep a night. I couldn't, no-one can.

Congratulations OP.

Do not be hard on yourself. You have had surgery - that would take anyone weeks and weeks to get over without looking after a baby. You are not a failure and it was best for DS.

AS others have said your DS is seven weeks premature and this will have a bearing on things.

Accept any help you are offered. My mum is like yours. She did absolutely bugger all to help. Stress levels went down when she left. Let your DH do more - he might work full time but he is not awake 23 hours a day. Can you DH take your DS out for a walk in the pushchair or a drive in the car to give you a break?

I hope after all these comments from us all that you will stop being so hard on yourself. It will get better

I agree with everyone else.

7 weeks is so little, my ds just fed and fed then. There is a brilliant book "What to expect when Breastfeeding and what if you can't" by Clare Byam Cook. A lot of it is in the positioning. Once I realised that I needed to adjust the position it became much easier.

If you are getting stressed about your parents and the flat, get a cleaner round for a couple of hours, will be worth it if it stops you worrying.

You need to look after yourself.

Op, I had v similar experience to you. Had to have EmCS under GA (wanted water birth!). Then spent 5 wks killing myself over BF until I realised that a sane mummy was the best thing I could give my son, so switched to formula and my life got so much easier. Was right for me, maybe not for you - your decision. However your baby arrived you carried them for 9 months and brought them into the world safely - you couldn't have done a better job for your baby. My husband also works long hours and yes it's exhausting, you need to do whatever it takes to make your day easier so you're as happy and healthy for your baby. Mixed feeding is NOT failing or even a compromise, sometimes it's the best thing you could do. I am booked in for an elective c section on Thurs for my 2nd DS, and my perspective this time round is totally different. Good luck, this tired shocked stage won't last forever and you'll figure it out. Lots of x and o

Oh you love,

Your not a failure you're not a new mummy and its reLly tough!
Let peopl

Hi,

I am afraid my DH can't take time off. He is on a temporary no frills contract and if he does take tiem off he risks losing his job which we can'T afford right now.

ditto affording a cleaner (i wish!)

Unfortunately I am abroad and my language skills are not great (even worse when exhausted) so have no bf help.

My mum and dad are due in a week and have bought their tickets etc.. they are only staying the weekend, I am just stressed because our bedroom (which is the messiest place in the flat right now) is where they are staying and i need the flat to be at least clear so i can sort the sofa out for me and DS to sleep when they are here (DH is going to his mums)

Its not ideal but I want my mum and dad to be invlved in DS life.

I am not a neat freak by any means but I was brought up with the idea that you need to be presentable for guests 8my mum was famous for staying up till stupid o clock with 3 under 5 cleaning if people where coming round) I hate havinga messy flat.

I get really anxious that if ppl see I am struggling they will report me and DS will get taken away :(