to say f**k you to DH and do it anyway!

[candyflossy7]

DH and I have been arguing none stop for the last two weeks over this and with a newborn it's the last thing we need!

DS just turned six weeks today so I wanted to start a bedtime routine to help him tell the difference between night and day. For the past 3 weeks he hasn't been getting to sleep until 2am/3am but mostly 3am, crying and fussiness starts from around 10pm right until he falls asleep at those times, we've tried everything from feeds, winding, napping changing but he still cries and refuses to sleep. He doesn't cry continuously, he can be calmed for a few minutes before starting again so I assume it's not colic and he's over tired therefore I was hoping a bedtime routine would help him?

Is anyone else's LO's like this? If so for how long? Anyone have any example routines for a 6 week old?

AIBU to say f**k this and do it anyway whether DH agrees or not?

Please help before DH and I lose our sanity ....and maybe our marriage!!

Co sleeping helped me enormously. If you are comfortable with it and take the necessary guidelines seriously, I would try that. And, sleep in the day when lo does.

If mil is so keen, maybe she could take the baby for a few hours & let you sleep !
your OH is totally NOT playing fair, As previously mentioned, you have to make him participate now, or he will always ALWAYS pass the baby ! (sic) for a lie in, for a night out with the mates, for a football game......If he can't get involved then sadly your future does not look good.
Tell your mil since your OH refuses to help you are exhausted, that your simply trying to get some sleep trumps cuddles for Granny.

At 6 weeks your needs beat those of a H who won't do any of the grafting and a MIL who wants a cuddle.

Unfortunately if they are both being so wankerish I don't know what you can do apart from having a screaming tantrum at the pair of them.

Them putting themselves first may push you into PND.

Put you and your baby first just like your H and MIL are putting themselves first.

And when do you get your time off, your break?

If MIL is so keen for cuddles, get her to come round in the day time and do chores or take the baby while you go for a walk.

In terms of routine, we started a 'going to bed' routine around 6 weeks, as opposed to having baby in the moses basket beside us. So we did feed, bath, bed in a cot sort of thing. Of course he still woke up loads, but then I fed him upstairs, rather than down stairs with the lights, tv on etc. I also co-slept, despite my best intentions not to, because it was the best way for me to get sleep.

That all said, if your DP isn't going to help then he doesn't get to have an opinion. Are you both talking from a position of sleep deprivation, and therefore both being a tiny bit Unreasonable, or is he actually a wanker who needs telling?

I second BarbariansMum post.

Poor you. Do what works for you and your baby because your DH and MIL aren't thinking of you two.

If MIL wants to help she could take baby out so you can have a rest. Does DH ever let you have a lie in?

I just wanted to pick up on something a poster said on the first page, pleae OP, Never, ever, EVER sleep on a sofa with a baby - it is a leading SIDS risk and not something any adult should do, EVER.

We had a routine building up from the second week. Bedtime, feed, acceptable getting up time, no naps after 4pm. both slept 7 -7 from 8 and 12 weeks. Still try and stick to bed time unless we are on hols.

Your DH is a lazy and incredibly selfish twat. That's where your problem lies, not routines.

You should put your foot down about when MIL comes over. 6-8 pm is the busiest (and most stressful) time of the day for most parents as it's tea/bath/bed and this will be the case for the next few years. Hell, I get annoyed if people (who know us well) call us on the phone at this time! Get her to come round later and hold the wriggly baby whilst you get some sleep.

As for your DH, tell him my DH still helped me out and he was doing a full-on training year. He regularly went back to working at his computer after helping me out at midnight (still not quite sure how he survived). Tell him to stop being a wimp. Leave him with the baby on his own for a couple of hours (literally drop the baby in his lap and run if needs be) and then see if he's still resistant to routines.....

Routines can work - I did one from 8 weeks - a life saver - actually getting some sleep!
I used the Baby Whisperer book to try to work out what DD was trying to tell me (different types of crying).

Your DH is wrong and an arse - so he goes to work or relaxes - does he not know he is now a father? Fathers do stuff.
If he doesn't, there is no point to him having children. What he seems to think is you should just collapse with exhaustion while he stops you doing anything that might help?

Start a routine - your DH isn't going to do anything because he has clearly stated he needs to rest - so the only way he could stop your routine is actually by doing something, which he doesn't seem to do?

Or you walk out of the house and leave your DH and MIL with the baby. Stay away for at least 12 hours.

Your H has his routine, but you're not allowed one?

I agree with leaving him with the baby, perhaps on a night he doesn't have work the next morning, then see how much he objects to a routine the next night, which you should give a try without his 'permission'.

The ideal is to ask mil to stay over & go to a hotel/friend for a night !!!!
a long bath, silent 12 hour sleep except the worry of how they are doing will keep you awake
I would hasard a guess that you are not just tired, but generally severely lacking support.
How old are you ? did you plan this pregnancy? did OH want a baby?

You MUST sleep when baby sleeps, forget OH's supper, hoovering etc.

DH is off on Tuesday's, Sunday's and out early on Mondays but he still refuses to help with night feeds as they are his time off, his break.

How lovely for him.

his mother has whined that I'm only starting a routine in order to keep her away from DS

Now I see where he gets it from.

4pm to 8 pm is well known as the nightmare hours. No one should visit or call during these times, or expect to be ignored or asked to fire fight.

As DH is not helping with night feeds etc I would make it quite clear to him that as primary carer I am making decisions regarding how I manage my time. He is making it clear that his time management is his business so he shouldn't have a problem with this.
I did things differently with all 3 of mine but did have a routine from early on with all of them. I was also prepared to be flexible as they are not going to follow your routine just because you have decided to.
In the evenings I would normally bath baby at about 7pm and after bath and feed try to keep things as quiet and calm as possible as much as possible. That would be lights dimmed and no visitors or blaring television and after a feed between 10pm and 12am I would definitely keep things quiet and relaxing. This made things easier for me and as time went on for the older children as well. During the day I was always welcoming to visitors and made noise around baby. I brought them out everyday as long as not too hot or wet. (Not in UK at that time)
With prolonged crying in a very young baby sometimes you just need to hold them for a long time. Unfortunately they always seem to do this at night! I would insist that DH helped out with walking the floorboards until midnight on days when he has to work and as long as it takes on other days. It's called being a parent and he seems to need some reminding of that.
As for his mum she needs to be firmly put in her place,you are the mum of this baby and you get to decide your own routine. This does not mean that you don't facilitate the building of their relationship but that while he is little and unsettled and you are tired you get to plan a day that works for you.
Good luck

Your DH really does need to sort his attitude out. He has absolutely no right to tell you not to do something that might make your life easier. He could very easily take over every evening from 7 to 11ish giving you 4 hours of guaranteed sleep before you take over through the night. I think you need to have a serious word with him because at the moment he is making your life harder rather than easier.

Oh the first weeks are mental about 6weeks in my husband's colleague took sick leave and he was doing 14hrs days and this was the time the baby did this 2am thing wouldn't sleep till then it's a nightmare but it doe get better I think about 6weeks we started a routine but it didn't really work and she went upstairs about 10 I went to bed the minute we'd had dinner and my husband took over sleep when they sleep.it's the only way to survive and it does suck and I'm definitely not taking your husbands side but he does have to work and it's the reason we get mat leave cos the first year is realy tough so sleep when the baby does and follow he's lead it does get easier ! However tonight I'm about to kill someone as daughter will not sleep and husband is working and my bath is getting cold!!!

My DS was born 10 weeks early and was in NICU. Even in there with tiny early babies they dim the lights at night to help the babies establish an understanding of night and day.

You tell DH that he is helping because you are both parents and both deserve a rest. You tell MIL that baby is here to stay and there is no panic to visit and she is welcome when it's a sensible time for you. If you don't do this now with both of them it will only get worse and you'll end up resentful and more exhausted.

I agree that he's being a dick. My OH used to get home at 7.30pm, make me dinner and then look after LO until 1 or 2 am in the morning so I could get some sleep, before getting up at 7.30am to start the whole thing over again. At weekends, he would take her for even longer and get up at night. You are equal partners in this and he is not pulling his weight. And tell MIL to sod off - 7.30 is bedtime in this house and visitors are not welcome from 5:30 onwards.

walkingtheplank our sofa folds out into a double bed, which I thought was clear from my description. I never suggested sleeping under the baby on a normal sofa, so my advice stands as well as any suggesting separate beds.
candyflossy7 I hope I didn't confuse you.

ftmsoon Your post makes no reference to a sofa-bed, just sofa as far as I can see. Apologies if I am struggling to see the correct words.

We started a routine at about 8 weeks with our first child. It wasnt some loopy, strict regime - just a bath and big feed at 7pm and then lay him down in a dark room in his moses basket and i lay next to him and shushed/patted/rocked etc until he fell asleep (took about half an hour for the first week or so, then most nights less than 10 minutes. I also woke to feed about 3-4 hours later if he hadnt woken himself. That seemed to giet him to sleep another 4 hour stretch and then repeat. If he occasionally woke before the 3-4 hours, I gave him a quick feed, but he usually didnt really want it, just the suckling to soothe back to sleep.

We quickly got into a routine of going down at 7pm and then feeding every 3-4 hours until he woke up for the day about 6am. That gave me some better stretches of sleep, too!

DH is off on Tuesday's, Sunday's and out early on Mondays but he still refuses to help with night feeds as they are his time off, his break

A break?

A fucking break?

You have a tiny baby. He doesn't GET a break.

Agree with the pp's your issue isn't routine. It's a lazy selfish nob of a DH.

And if MIL is so desperate to visit daily, she can take baby for a walk for an hour whilst you SLEEP.