Please help me cope with this

[Rissolesfortea]

Not sure if this is the right place for this but here goes. Sorry if this is long but didn't want to drip feed.

When my youngest DD's marriage broke up I moved 300 miles from the rest of my family down here to help her out. I helped look after her 2DS whilst I was working full time, I then met and married my DH. We took them on days out, to EuroDisney etc and cared for them out of school time.

She eventually remarried and had another child, I took early retirement and looked after this child while my DD worked. I bought all toys, food, safety equipment etc with no payment from DD which I was happy to do. My DGG and I had a lovely bond and I love her very much. I still cared for the others when required.

In the meantime I fell out with one of my DS's and my DD took it upon herself to have no contact with him also. In time me and DS made up and all of my family came here for a holiday. We had a great time and DGD got to meet and enjoy time with her cousins. We all went out for a family meal and I hoped the hatchet would be well and truly buried. After the meal I said I would like a photo of all of us as it was rare we would all get together but said DD refused.Probably wrong of me but I said if she couldn't do that one thing for me then I wouldn't look after DGD the next day. She stormed out and told me to "get out of town".

After this DD deleted me off fb and wouldn't have anything to do with me and because my DH and me know no one else down here we decided to move back to where the rest of our family live.

We have now sold our house and are hoping to move in the new year but DD is blaming me for everything and wont let me see my DGC. I have christmas presents for them and I am heartbroken that I wont see them again and dont know what to do.

I have tried to talk to DD and told her how much I love them all but she just throws everything back in my face. I know that my DGD is missing us and I feel so sad that she is not able to see us anymore.

What can I do?

That is the problem with ultimatums.

Don't issue them if you can't handle either choice.

Thing is we need and love our kids more than they need and love us.

That is the way it goes.

I love my Mum and appreciate all the things she has done for me, but the fact is I don't need her anymore.

I see the same with my kids as they get older, they need me less and less.

I want my Mum and I want my kids to want me.

Might be time to get a life apart from your children and grandchildren and stop issuing ultimatums.

Ok, so steps forward.

Facebook isn't the end of the world.

You are moving, so that's done. When is that?

I'd make one more apology. In writing, and really take time first to think about why dd is upset. Leave it there, no excuses, no defense, no mentioning of your upset. Tell her you will be in touch.

A fortnight or so later, write again. Chatty news, loving comments, maybe a little postcard to the gc.

Send your Christmas presents.

Keep writing even if it's not reciprocated. Invite her to your place and tell her how much you'd like to come and visit.

Hopefully the memory of your falling out will be replaced with the nice things you will write.

I'd also take some time to look at yourself, your extreme reactions, and how you have managed to raise at least 2 children who are happy to go nc. Maybe look at the stately homes thread and see if anything resonates.

Hopefully this is all repairable. When did everything kick off with dd?

Good advice from Slithy.

slithy I have to remind you that a cm or nursery would not behave in that way because they are a business and being paid for childcare, a different situation alltogether.

Thank you all for your input, I know I am not blameless and I am doing all I can to remedy the situation, I have sent my DD a message telling her again how sorry I am and how much I love them. The ball is now in her court but I'm not holding my breath.

I hope you all never have to go through this with your DC but its hard being a parent and sometimes we get it wrong however we try to do our best.

Goodnight and thank you .

Yep, which is exactly why what you did was throw your free childcare in her face.

You won't get anywhere if you don't acknowledge your part

How would you feel if the boss of your dc's nursery told you how to organise your sibling relationships and refused to have your dc back unless you complied? There'd be talk of legal action.

I think the only thing you can do at this point is keep trying to make yourself available and maybe some day she will come around.

I had a 20-year friend and the last year of our friendship was rather strained. We had a huge argument, mostly my fault for saying what I did in the manner I did. It was all true, but I could have handled it much better.

However, I was contrite when I apologized, and continued to apologize, for the next 4 years. We have since moved, and though I've spoken to her it is clear that she will hold this grudge forever. Was I wrong? Yes. But do friends and family forgive each other? YES. Before her marriage broke up I remember her not speaking to her dh for days, though he'd call and want to speak with her. I should have known then what kind of person she was right then and there.

I feel bad since I am connected with her dd (sponsor for a religious ceremony) and our kids did get on very well. I'd love to know how she was doing. This 'friend', when I spoke to her last, was very hard hearted. It is clear she has moved on and does not wish to continue the relationship. There just are some people that just won't budge, and your dd might be one of them. I also notice other similarities...your are happy to provide things for your dd, but it is almost like she was using you. I also felt that way about my former friend. It was almost like I 'owed' her to do things to her, not that I didn't want to do them. A taker, but never a giver. These people are hard nuts to crack.

I will be sending this woman a Christmas card really only so her daughter will know that our kids still exist, and miss her, on the off chance that she will even get to see it and recognize our son. Which frankly, I doubt. I can see it tossed in the bin just because of how stubborn she is.

The photograph incident happened over three months ago. Have you not seen your DgD since then?

OP. None of this is making any sense.

You say your son and DD fell out over nothing, then you say you and your son fell out over something trivial that had nothing to do with your DD.

Then you go on to say that if you fall out with a family member you shouldn't go no contact even though that's what you did with your DS.

You said you helped out a lot with your DD and your DGC and that's lovely of you but that doesn't give you the right to then thrown it in back in her face when something isn't going your way.

Obviously there is a lot more to this.

Bet the ds fell out because dd is obviously the chosen one.

OP you said that you fell out with your ds and when posters were shocked that you couldn't remember why, you changed your stance and said that you didn't fall out with him.

Then you went back to the truth and admitted that you did fall out with him. You still claim to not know why though which I am not sure that I entirely believe. You don't cut your own son out of your life without having a reason.

Now you have fallen out with your dd over something equally petty and you are trying, again, to say that it's not you, it's her. You seem to be unable to accept that you are at fault.

You have caused all this drama, you really need to stop acting like a stroppy teenager if you want to have adult relationships with your children.

OP you are being vague here. This is why you are getting a hard time. Posters are asking questions that you are repeatedly ignoring. You are doing this because you do not want to tell because it will shine a bad light in your direction. But without clarity here we can't really help.

Also you as mother of these four children set the scene for all sorts of family dynamics. You need to look at yourself very closely in that regard.

Your children should all be equal, you should be prepared to only do for one that you will do for all of them.

You should never criticise your children to your other children. It's an unfair burden.

Good luck. I think you deserve forgiveness.

Similarly you should not give anything to one GC that you are not prepared to give to the others.

The reasons you give for selling up and moving away sound perfectly reasonable when looked out independently. But when you factor in the current situation with your daughter it completely reeks of punishing her for daring to stand up to you. Throwing the childcare in her face was a really shitty thing to do. She was quite rightly very hurt by that. It seems that your response to her upset is basicly 'well fuck you then, I'd rather be with my other family anyway'. To be honest I'm not surprised she's gone non-contact, I'd do the same given the circumstances (and that isn't even taking into account the details you're being cagey about)

Yes, I was being cruel to my DGG but it was a spur of the moment thing and I thought after all the things I had done for their family they could have done a small thing for me. Silly, maybe but I have apologised and I dont think my DD is being fair to her DC by making them lose a big part of their family by something so silly.

I dont understand this either.
You've made it all about you and how upset you feel. You say 'Yes I was cruel to my DGC but it was a spur of a moment thing.' That doesn't make it ok, you tried to blackmail your DD into doing something you wanted and used her DD to get what you want.
When that backfierd on you, your trying to get the sympathy vote for something you caused.
You wasn't that bothered about seeing your DGC when you was using her as leverage to get what you want.

Children are not possessions to use in a game.

Op. If I was you I'd take a really good look in the mirror and look at your own actions.

Op, are you my mother? You sound just like her. In fact when I read your posts I do so in my mothers voice. I'm NC with her due to her being a horrible narcissist who just loved to throw things in my face that she had done to help me out, especially with childcare.

I think there is more to this story than you are telling and that your DD has finally had enough. I would just love to hear your DD's side of this.

YABU.