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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please help me cope with this

67 replies

Rissolesfortea · 23/11/2014 21:50

Not sure if this is the right place for this but here goes. Sorry if this is long but didn't want to drip feed.

When my youngest DD's marriage broke up I moved 300 miles from the rest of my family down here to help her out. I helped look after her 2DS whilst I was working full time, I then met and married my DH. We took them on days out, to EuroDisney etc and cared for them out of school time.

She eventually remarried and had another child, I took early retirement and looked after this child while my DD worked. I bought all toys, food, safety equipment etc with no payment from DD which I was happy to do. My DGG and I had a lovely bond and I love her very much. I still cared for the others when required.

In the meantime I fell out with one of my DS's and my DD took it upon herself to have no contact with him also. In time me and DS made up and all of my family came here for a holiday. We had a great time and DGD got to meet and enjoy time with her cousins. We all went out for a family meal and I hoped the hatchet would be well and truly buried. After the meal I said I would like a photo of all of us as it was rare we would all get together but said DD refused.Probably wrong of me but I said if she couldn't do that one thing for me then I wouldn't look after DGD the next day. She stormed out and told me to "get out of town".

After this DD deleted me off fb and wouldn't have anything to do with me and because my DH and me know no one else down here we decided to move back to where the rest of our family live.

We have now sold our house and are hoping to move in the new year but DD is blaming me for everything and wont let me see my DGC. I have christmas presents for them and I am heartbroken that I wont see them again and dont know what to do.

I have tried to talk to DD and told her how much I love them all but she just throws everything back in my face. I know that my DGD is missing us and I feel so sad that she is not able to see us anymore.

What can I do?

OP posts:
NotOneThingbutAnother · 23/11/2014 22:59

It will be very difficult for a poor ol' gran to keep the peace if she says things like after all I've done you for, you've had 8 years free childcare etc. God I hope I get to give my daughters 8 years free childcare - that would be a dream come true to me.

Rissoles, I have to ask again, how old is everyone you are talking about here? are you all very young? Its just that its coming over a bit Jeremy Kyle.

Suefla62 · 23/11/2014 22:59

I'm a grandmother and presumably the same generation as you. I still don't understand going NC with your child. I have six children and fourteen grandchildren and being fair has never come into the equation, because from day one they've always been equal. I've also never thrown out ultimations and stropped off to the other end of the country. We've disagreed but have never let it get to a falling out and going NC, especially when it's so trivial I can't remember why.

Nelehwelly · 23/11/2014 23:00

You're thanking people for seeing things from your POV - try seeing things from the POV of your DC & DGC for a change. You seem very narcissistic. Who cuts a child off then can't remember why?

And I don't doubt it's difficult to keep the peace. But how exactly does storming from one end of the country to another every time you don't like your children's behaviour supposed to help in that respect? Do you see that you're the one starting the wars, not keeping the peace?

And are you genuinely selling up and moving over your daughters refusal to have a photo taken? Is that rational?

Or is there more to it? Because on the basis of what I've read so far this is all very bizarre. Maybe get some counselling for your issues and work on rebuilding your family relationships in terms of what's best for them, and not the way you've gone about things up till now.

slithytove · 23/11/2014 23:01

How were you being fair or keeping the peace by threatening to withdraw Childcare?

Surely if you make an offer to do it, it comes without strings, because you want to be with dgc and help dc. But you sound like you resent the 8 years of Childcare. Seems like an overreaction to dd not wanting to be in a photo.

Fairenuff · 23/11/2014 23:02

You are trying to control your children's behaviour by using emotional blackmail. This time it has backfired on you. Perhaps you could learn something from this?

MommyBird · 23/11/2014 23:06

I've just re read the thread on Gransnet and you said on there your DD and your son has fallen out 'over nothing'

On this thread you and your son have fallen out over something trivial and it's nothing to do with your DDHmm

Nelehwelly · 23/11/2014 23:07

It would be fascinating to get the DD's version of all of this.

BaffledSomeMore · 23/11/2014 23:08

That's the trouble with slinging conditions and ultimatums around; people don't always react how you want.

OraProNobis · 23/11/2014 23:12

Your OP reads as though you met new DH in the new place to which you moved. Then you say you met and married him before the move. So very many inconsistencies here. Can you explain?

Fairenuff · 23/11/2014 23:13

On both of those threads, OP, you say it was you who fell out with your ds, yet here you are now denying that? What's going on?

Original poster
Rissolesfortea · 23/11/2014 23:24

I'm not stropping off to the other end of the country, I came here to help my DD when she was a struggling single parent. She is now remarried and settled and doesn't need me any more, I feel its time to spend more time with my other DC and DGC who have missed out while I have been here. Its also nearer to my DH workplace, he works mainly from home but has to go in sometimes which means a 4 hour drive each way and nearer to his DM who lives alone.

I love looking after my DGC but a little bit of recognition for what I do wouldn't go amiss or even a thank you now and again would make me feel appreciated, no one likes to be taken for granted.

Just for the record, my DD has fallen out with all of her DHs family too and cut off all contact with them so her DC now have no grandparents or aunt, uncles and cousins which makes me feel very sad for them.

If any of you can say that you've never fallen out with any of your family members then you are very lucky but there is no need to take it to extremes where you cut off all contact. I remind you that she deleted me from facebook and has blocked my phomne number. I have apologised and told her that I love her and her family, I cant do much more.

If you all feel I am the one who is BU then fair enough but I do love ALL my family and I just wish there was a way to resolve all this. If anyone has any more advice on what else I could do then please tell me because I am at a loss. I just want my family to love each other again.

OP posts:
DorisIsALittleBitPartial · 23/11/2014 23:25

Rissoles, I am not judging as I know that when there are problems with extended family they tend to close ranks and go to ground - I am there myself (not as a GP but as an aunt), but I do wonder why your DD went to the meal if she felt so strongly about it? Did anything happen before the photo request that could have caused the response?

Fairenuff · 23/11/2014 23:26

OP can you confirm that it was you who fell out with your ds?

slithytove · 23/11/2014 23:27

Why throw ultimatums about?

Why not discourage dd from going nc from her brother at the start of it all?

Original poster
Rissolesfortea · 23/11/2014 23:28

Btw, I have never thrown it in her face that I have given her free child care, I have loved doing it but never had a thank you.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 23/11/2014 23:35

OP? Are you going to explain about your ds or not?

LineRunner · 23/11/2014 23:46

Did your DD fall out with her brother in 'solidarity' with you?

islandmama · 23/11/2014 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Rissolesfortea · 23/11/2014 23:50

I really cant remember why my DS and I fell out, it was a silly tiff where we both said things we shouldn't have, both volative people I guess. I should have said that my 3 eldest DC have a different father to my youngest DD and this could be where some of the problem lies. She may feel that she is different to the others and I may have tried to compensate for this although she has always been a bit spoilt because of this.

OP posts:
slithytove · 23/11/2014 23:50

Actually, withdrawing childcare because dd wouldn't be in a photo IS throwing it in her face. A nursery or cm wouldn't do that.

Did your refusal affect her job or anything she had arranged?

And why did you not discourage her from going nc with your son? Or did it suit you at the time?

islandmama · 23/11/2014 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slithytove · 23/11/2014 23:55

Tbh I can see this:

Dd feels different cos different dad. Does she have any full siblings?

You are nc with son, so is she, and you are close.

You make up with son and expect her to, you want to play happy families.

She doesn't want to, then you refuse to watch dgc cos she won't play ball.

If I was dd, I'd be feeling pretty rejected by you at that point. And that you had rejected dgc as soon as your other gc came on the scene.

It also sounds as though neither of you can handle conflict. Both reactions are very extreme.

Summerisle1 · 23/11/2014 23:57

I remember this thread from one of my very rare visits to Gransnet. At the time I recall thinking everything seemed unnecessarily dramatic on all sides and that also, your family dynamics seemed more than a little destructive. So much falling out, so many drastic statements and this whole photograph business was wildly out of proportion.

I don't know what the answer is other than everyone to try and calm down and behave a little more maturely. I do know that I truly couldn't stand all these histrionics myself and certainly, it might be sensible to put a little distance between all of you while you try and resolve things more calmly.

mynewpassion · 23/11/2014 23:59

If your DD has fallen out with all of her in laws and maybe more people, you have over compensated her in her upbringing.

You reap what you sow. Sorry for being a harsh.