AIBU to say no to PIL taking DS abroad?

[ACardiganForCat]

Today at lunch FIL asked whether they could take DS to Kenya next Christmas (FIL was born there and some of his family still live out there). I said I didn't want to go away for xmas so he suggested New Year. I said I'm not comfortable with it because it's not that safe. The place they have a holiday home backs right on to the beach, no gate or anything, anyone could walk in or out and in the city there are all sorts of risks.

Next year DS will be 3. I sort of feel like I am denying that side of the family from spending time with them. The idea of him going there full stop really upsets me but there's no way I could cope with him going without me. They are great GPs but I just think it's unsafe. AIBU?

Quite apart from the safety issue I think your ds will get far, far more out of this trip a few years along the line. Of course your ILs are not getting any younger, but surely three or four years won't make any real difference.

Apologies in advance for any massive xposting btw, I have had to answer a phone call during the course of writing this.

No way! Far too young, and as someone else said he won't remember it anyway. Also 2 weeks would be far too long without you or DH

YANBU

There is no way I'd allow this. Not withstanding the safety issue, and according to the foreign office it isn't particularly safe there at the moment, he is three years old and that is far too young to be away from his parents for that length of time, regardless of how close he is to his grandparents.

No.
No.
And no some more.

And I am a GP.

No.

Over my dead body would I op.

I wouldn't have let DD go abroad with my parents when so little.

Infact, this year was the first time she did - she is 12y. She was about 8 or 9 before she went away for a few days in the UK with them. And i have a very good relationship with my parents and my PILs, and I trust them entirely. But 3y would definitely have been far too young for me.

As for Kenya - well, it is a lovely place. I got married there. But tbh at the moment it just doesn't feel that safe - and there are health risks such as malaria to consider which requires vaccinations and medication. I wouldn't want 12y DD going there without me and DH right now.

I live in Ireland and have had my 3 year old DGD twice now. The first time was for 5days then the next time was for a whole week.
My lovely DIL is wonderful to allow this and I am so appreciative as circumstances mean I can't get over to England as much as I would like.
However, Kenya is a lot further away and the flight is more than an hour on a Ryanair plane.
I wouldn't allow it nor would I take my DGD away so far for so long.
I have her for a week again next summer (yay!)

I love my parents and in laws and there is no want I would have allowed this.
I probably wouldn't have let them take DD to Europe for a week at 3 let lane Africa.
Not a bloody chance

YANBU

and

• let DH deal with his parents. Why are you having to do it?

My parents lived 3000 miles apart from when I was 2

I always traveled with my own passport and neither half of my family EVER consulted the other about my travel arrangements when I was with them
In loco parentis and all that
either you trust them to look after people or you do not
be it at the playground or in another country

then again I flew transatlantic on my own from the age of 4 and it was SUCH FUN, kids of today, post 9/11, just cannot imagine what fun it was having lunch in the navigator's seat or riding in the elevator inside a 747

Yanbu at all. He is only little!

Let him go when he is old enough to understand being away from you!

YANBU. He is too young, I would not want my three year old so far away. He is too young for any benefit to him too.

YANBU. I am from Kenya and today my DSis and I discussed going back for a family visit - I last went a couple of years ago and since then the situation has become more dangerous after troops were sent into Somalia - for locals and for white tourists. We've decided not to go for now. Sad as we have a lot of family there, and worried for them though they are generally good at staying out of the way.

Not scaremongering but if you Google you can read about a very recent bus attack. When I lived there, there was some violence but not like that.

So no YANBU at all. I wouldn't feel comfortable going with DS right now, and I am from there.

Though I would also say that it's a gorgeous place and then locals are very friendly!!

You can stall them by telling them quite truthfully that DS won't remember it at 3. If they want him to experience his grandfather's birthplace etc, then 3 is just too young - he won't understand the significance and by the time he's 10 or so there may be a few blurry memories but that'll be it. If they waited till he was 10, it would be a whole different thing.

So it's not you being over-protective - you're only thinking of them .

I'd say no - end of. If FIL doesn't understand then I'd just learn not to care.

I think in cases like this it's best not to explain why too much, by justifying your actions you turn it into a discussion and if you're not a strong person in a debate then you may find your arm being twisted and you not being able to justify your reasons to yourself. Then you'll end up giving in.

I've always done this. It when I had DS I promised myself I wouldn't - I'd be assertive enough and ensure that my decision was the end decision when it came to him. He's only 2 but so far so good.

Don't be made to feel guilty, it's not your fault that the relatives over there are missing out on seeing him grow up - it isn't anyone's fault, it's just how things are. You can't be expected to put your DS at risk.

I remember trips from when I was 3 / 4 / 5 with my non resident grandparents to other countries

its so sad that MN posters assume against such trips

I took my kids camping abroad when they were 3 and 5
ten years later we went back to the same camp site but were pitched elsewhere
it took DS (who was now 13) less than five minutes to identify our original pitch.
Kids DO remember
do not demean them by pretending they do not

Yanbu. No way would my 3yo go abroad without me. Crazy that it would even be suggested.

Yanbu ....no chance

I'm glad, in the long term that one of my parents moved permanently abroad - 3000 miles - with me when I was 2

amazing that cosmopolitan MN posters are so narrow minded on such things

TalkinPeace - moving with your parents is one thing, being in another country to your parents is another. Especially with the recent news from Kenya.

Yanbu. 2 weeks away from parents is such a long time at 3, let alone in a less than safe country.

Parent
not parents

my parents live 3000 miles apart - as they have done since I was 2

I have seen the non resident parent for an average of 3 days a year for the last 48 years
but now have a splendid long distance relationship with him

A weekend to the seaside at age 3 with GP is more than enough, weeks abroad in a country with security issues? No bloody way! My DS won't be going abroad with anyone without me at age 3. Not sure what age it'd be ok at but depends on the child, really.