AIBU to "hold her prisoner" for the next 2 or 3 years?

[cottagecheeseshoulder]

Hi all, I have name changed for this but I am a regular reader and occasional poster on the forums, and am in desperate need of some advice and perspective here! I have posted in AIBU for traffic and also because I really want some no holds barred advice.

I don't want to drip feed but if I tell the whole story here this could go on for pages, so will stick to the basics as best I can.

My daughter is 13 years old, in year 9 at school (the youngest in the year). She is a lovely girl, usual teenage attitude of course but has always behaved impeccably at school and got excellent grades. She has a small close group of friends, girls and boys. Her father and me have been divorced for a few years and are both in new relationships; my partner and I have a 6 month old together but can't currently live together as his older son has serious behaviour problems. I also have a 7 year old son to my ex-husband. Eldest and middle child fight as they do, but eldest adores him and the baby.

We had some issues in the summer with self-harm; she was being bullied at school - initially she was giving as good as she got but I think it all got out of hand and she couldn't handle it. Normally she would have come to me about it but I had a very difficult pregnancy and she didn't want to "bother" me apparently (bless her). I was in regular touch with the school and they (and she) have reassured me that the issue has been resolved. I also had CAMHS involved due to the self-harm and a threat she'd made about suicide; they concluded that she was "o.k." after a couple of counselling sessions. I see her walking round with not much on and I am confident that the self-harm has stopped (for now at least).

She has had a boyfriend since Year 7, coming on 2 years now; this wasn't something I encouraged but initially it was more of a friendship really; he's part of the same friendship group as my daughter and they're in the same year at school. However, I was shocked to learn (by checking her phone messages one day due to a gut feeling that something just wasn't right and a previous incident where she and her friend had been on a social media app that she is not allowed on) that things between them have developed to a sexual level. In fact, "shocked" is an understatement! She is adamant that they have not actually done the deed, despite the texts suggesting that they have. I reacted pretty badly tbh; I really had a go at her and made her take a pregnancy test (negative thankfully). The texts suggested that this had happened the day before so I said we were going to get the morning after pill, however the doctor wouldn't give her it as she kept denying that anything had actually happened, claiming that he just "touched" her with his penis?! She said she wouldn't take it and we couldn't make her. I still don't know how much of what was written was fantasy and how much was real (she has always had a hell of an imagination). The texts weren't massively explicit, but way too much for 13 year olds imho!

Right now she is grounded - not as in, she has to stay in her room, just that she can't go out except to school and has to come straight home (she has done so for the last couple of weeks). Her friends are allowed to come round, but at the moment, the boyfriend is not (I know it's silly but I really want to slap him). She is also not going to be left in the house on her own, and I have tightened up the rules on phone, ipod, etc. - they have to be left on the landing every night during the week (they were talking and texting into the early hours as it turns out).

The issue with me isn't so much that she has sex; although I think 13 is way too young I am aware that this is quite commonplace these days (it wasn't unheard of in the 90s when I was a teen). I have always brought her up to value herself and taught her that sex is a wonderful thing within the confines of a loving relationship. I'm certainly not a prude; I'm only 34 myself and I didn't wait until I was 16 to have sex (was 15). She does say that she loves this boy and he says the same to her (so to her mind she is within the confines of a loving relationship...) He's certainly not the school stud; if anything he's a bit geeky tbh! I tried to speak to his mother about it but she's very laidback about it all; both his parents work and when they're not working they're in the pub, so he is a bit of a latchkey kid (it was at his house that all this went on; in mine they are only allowed in communal areas). The main worry for me is that she could get pregnant (I know STI's are also a risk but with them both being virgins this isn't such an issue). I have tried to talk to her about contraception and how much a pregnancy (or abortion) could mess up her life at such a young age. I've bought her a book about sex aimed at her age (I was shocked at the content, since when did 13 year olds need to know about fisting and golden showers?) I feel like I'm massively up against it with the school as well; they told the girls that if they do get pregnant that they can have an abortion without their parents being told (I was shocked to discover this is true).

I am also surprised at how well she has taken the "grounding". Initially I got all the threats, e.g. if she couldn't see him she would cut herself (even going to the effort of leaving scissors, nail file, pencil sharpener blade down the side of the bed where she knows I check after the earlier self-harm issue). However over the last few days I have noticed he is texting her constantly (her phone is always beeping), but she doesn't always reply to him. Had a sneaky look the other day and she had messaged him saying that she was soaked in blood and there was blood all over the bed sheet; well I checked her bed and there wasn't even a spot of blood! He sends her similar messages! She also left a "diary" note down there (knowing I would read it out of worry) saying that she wanted to take a load of tablets and die, or just might move to her friend's house, "just until Christmas"! Also saying that I had slapped her round the face (I hadn't! I didn't even raise my voice!) I have mentioned nothing about the scissors etc. (as have seen no physical signs of cutting) or the note. She has been wanting loads of cuddles and affection which I am happy to provide, and hasn't whinged too much, even when she missed a friend's party. My partner thinks that on some level, she might have wanted me to put a stop to it all. I have also read a couple of things she's put on her ipod about thinking she could be a lesbian, and she has been looking at pictures od "pretty 14 year old girls". (I couldn't give a jot if she is a lesbian and she knows this).

I have spoken to a good friend of mine about this; she has an 18 year old daughter and went through all this when she was 14; she is of the view that there's nothing I can do to stop it so had best get her on the pill a.s.a.p. and buy her some condoms. Her 18 year old daughter is still with the boy she lost her virginity to at 14 and says the same. Surprisingly, my dear 70 year old stepmother (who brought me up from 12) says pretty much the same thing. They say I should be grateful that at least this is with a boyfriend and not just some randomer (as my first sexual experience was; I was the last of all my friends to "lose it", got drunk at a party and did it - huge regrets still as it led me into a series of one night stands).

So, am I being unreasonable for keeping her in for ever the next few months, or should I just accept that times have changed and accept the situation? I am totally lost! I really think that 13 is too young! Yes, physically she is more like 15 (started her periods at just turned 9) but emotionally she is still quite immature in some ways, despite her intellect. I know that I can't let her go anywhere until she is willing to sit down with me and be honest about how far things have gone, and how she feels about it all. My stepmother says that I might not like this but it could be that my daughter does actually want a sexual relationship. Also there isn't the stigma amongst her peer group about it like there was when I was at school - less of being labelled a "slut" and more "high fives" all round :(

I have been reading 'Get Out of my Life but first take me and Alex into town' by Tony Wolf and Suzanne Franks, great book, and they conclude that parents are deluding themselves if they think they can stop teenagers from having sex if they want to do it. I know as a teen I lied about my whereabouts etc. and I don't doubt my daughter would try to swing the lead. I also don't want to come down too hard and push her away to the point when she won't talk to me; my friend's mother did this to her and she covered up her pregnancy at the age of 15; her mother only found out 4 weeks before the baby was due!

I wasn't expecting to deal with this for a couple of years! HELP!!! (got very long after all, sorry!)

You are right, human beings do persevere. I'd rather a child persevere through having less permissive parents than being involved with situations far beyond their ability to handle, mind you. 'You didn't even try to protect me from myself', my sister used to say. I think that's a stronger potential indictment of a parent than 'you wouldn't let me have sex at thirteen though I felt ready'. You don't have to be a 'mate' in these situations, and not being so doesn't 'guarantee' that no one will speak to their parents about private stuff if everything should go wrong for them. If they are going to have sex regardless, well, so be it. For every kid who will find a way, there will be one who is sort of relieved to be given firm boundaries so they can get out of having to have these sorts of relationships.

I think the reaction to a parent freaking about underage sex is extreme. Kids expect this stuff. They don't expect that if their parents find out about them having sex at thirteen they'll be fine with it unless they're living in a chaotic and dysfunctional home. It's so overblown to talk about ruined communication etc. If communication was there, it will still be there... if it wasn't that's a bigger issue than reading texts or asking for pregnancy tests. It seems a fairly normal reaction to me and I'd be surprised if it has anything like the fall out predicted by some here.

It's so overblown to talk about ruined communication etc. If communication was there, it will still be there...

There is no cruise control in any relationship. Just because you had something doesn't mean nothing can ruin it. It just means it's easier to repair.

If you knew your parents were going to flip their shit about you doing something, say having sex, would you go to them if your boyfriend did something inappropriate? I think not. You'd first have to tell your parents that you were fooling around in the first place. You'd keep it a secret.

Let's not pretend that if your friend, DP, whoever reacted terribly over something that you'd be willing to go talk to him again about that subject. Perhaps as an adult you could force it and tell him to grow up, but the dynamic here is different when it's an parent who is in charge and a child.

My parents way over reacted to me over certain things and I never talked to them again about that. I just kept it to myself because I didn't want to get yelled at or deal with the fall out.

You can keep open communication and keep boundaries at the same time. These thing are not mutually exclusive.

No child was ever worse off for having their parents have an open and honest conversation with them.

FWIW I think you deserve a medal coping with a somewhat troubled teen as well as a poorly new-born - I doff my hat!
Agree with some other posters that her behaviour is a cry for help, that she might not be too unhappy being grounded - maybe she doesn't want to pursue the physical side of the relationship any further and your sanctions are a useful get-out clause?
All the best to you all - am sure you'll work it out.

I don't have experience of teenage girls, just teenage boys, but wanted to say that I think your DD needs some time at home with you. The self harm, the sex etc could all stem from having a mum who had a tough pregnancy and then a baby that needs lots of time (as all babies do).

Is there a chance you could go out for the day and spend some time together doing something she wants to do? Just the 2 of you. Then you don't have to sit across a table and 'have a talk'. I get the best chats out of my DS when we're in the car and unable to make eye contact.

It's interesting that she seems almost happy to be grounded, and at home with you. That must mean something.

I suspect that your DDs boyfriend also likes spending time with you if his parents have no time for him.

Teenagers are funny creatures. They can suck the life blood out of you in terms of their behaviour and the subsequent worry that you as a parent have. I've known people to work FT during their kids younger years and go PT or even give up work to see them through their teenage years.

You have my sympathies.

I'm just not sure I agree. There may not be cruise control, but a parent-child relationship is fairly robust, based on years of attachment and shared experience. It's very different, necessarily, to an equal relationship with a dp. This is also a thirteen year old, not a sixteen or seventeen year old and thirteen and sixteen year olds are from different worlds in terms of how capable they are of having mature conversation.

I work in secondary and at 13 kids respect and like teachers with firm boundaries, often I think because they feel at sea in themselves. By 16 or 17, they usually prefer a less authoritative and more collaborative approach but they're much better equipped to deal with it. My friend works in behavioural intervention with teenagers who are in trouble with the law and what works is not lots of feely feely stuff but working with parents to give strict boundaries and consequences for not adhering to them - removing privileges like ghds/access to phones/allowances for breaking rules/curfews etc. The success rate of this approach is phenomenal, they turn kids lives around. I wouldn't want a dp to dictate my life choices but kids actually do want their parents to steer them under all their bravado. They will keep secrets anyway, it's developmental. She may still have sex anyway as part of her rebellion.. but that's no reason to pretend you like it or approve of it as a parent, or to facilitate access to situations you feel your child can't cope with.

If I was going to be open and honest with a young teenager in this situation, I would have to be saying I thought after a few rocky emotional months, starting a first sexual relationship with someone else who was also having a tough time might lead to a lot of heartache and that as her parent I feel I would be wrong to facilitate her doing something that might cause her pain. I would explain that I was restricting her access to him because I felt it wasn't healthy. Texting a boy to say you are self harming while they text you to say the same doesn't sound great to me. There is no way I would give a thirteen year old the idea I approved or supported her having sex in this situation and I would be pretty clear I 'flipped my shit' because I was very worried about her and the impact getting involved in a sexual relationship at this time would have on her. I would not apologise for giving a shit about her. I would also echo previous posters who said she needs more time and attention and other outlets, friendships with girls, hobbies and probably more counselling. Your job as a parent at this age is to show them you give a shit about them far more than it is to be cool.

She is having sex with someone she believes she loves, go to a family planning clinic and get an implant in her arm, either that or an injection that lasts three months. Younger girls arent too good at pill taking - you can discuss the options with her and get her to make her own decision about whats right for her. You need to get talking about it back on the cards because your ott reaction will have scared her off. I lost my virginity at the age of 13 because I felt about 16 and didnt realise how young I actually was. Now it sounds disgusting but at the time I was a girl who had developed very early and was very mature and it didn't seem wrong and I don't regret it either. As her mother you can assess if she is ready for this, she obviously is, you can't stop her so you need to help her to continue in a safe way because otherwise she will refuse your input and do what she wants. I know its horrible to think about but its much more normal than ever before unfortunately and we have to step in with our kids before we end up with grandkids in 30's

Good luck

The bottom line is that you can't stop her having sex, so you need to make it as safe as possible for her.That is not the same thing as condoning it.

I haven't read all of this yet and I will tonight but I just want to say that you are an amazing MUM!!...I went through similar...my DD is now 21.It is very hard...I was called a Victorian parent by college when I was trying to protect my DD!!

Thankyou so much for all of the thoughtful replies everyone. I will update you all on how it goes when we sit down and have a talk about everything (sorry if this seems abrubt after some of the great replies; still got a poopy-bum baby and looks like my 7 year old is getting it now too, deep joy! Up to my elbows in shitty nappies right now!)

x

duplodon As I said earlier, communication and boundaries are not mutually exclusive. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

I'd suggest maybe writing her a letter. You said something really telling upthread - "I just love her, so fucking much". She may not know that, she may just see herself as a nuisance, as a worry.

I would consider writing her a letter. Tell her what you've told us. Ask her if she wants you to come with her to the FP clinic or the doctor, have a read around the options so you can help her if she wants your advice. You also said you don't want to be her friend, but she's reaching the stage where you might be the best, most stable friend she's got. If you open those lines of communication, let her know that you might be angry with the way she behaves, if she's messy or rude or disrespectful, but you're still always here to support her and love her unconditionally.

Just going to throw this out there...if she's not old enough to be ready for sex etc, then she is not old enough to understand the effect that taking a hormonal contraceptive at such young age could have on her body.

Of course, it is an option, but I would long look and hard for other ones before putting a young girl on hormones.