AIBU to "hold her prisoner" for the next 2 or 3 years?

[cottagecheeseshoulder]

Hi all, I have name changed for this but I am a regular reader and occasional poster on the forums, and am in desperate need of some advice and perspective here! I have posted in AIBU for traffic and also because I really want some no holds barred advice.

I don't want to drip feed but if I tell the whole story here this could go on for pages, so will stick to the basics as best I can.

My daughter is 13 years old, in year 9 at school (the youngest in the year). She is a lovely girl, usual teenage attitude of course but has always behaved impeccably at school and got excellent grades. She has a small close group of friends, girls and boys. Her father and me have been divorced for a few years and are both in new relationships; my partner and I have a 6 month old together but can't currently live together as his older son has serious behaviour problems. I also have a 7 year old son to my ex-husband. Eldest and middle child fight as they do, but eldest adores him and the baby.

We had some issues in the summer with self-harm; she was being bullied at school - initially she was giving as good as she got but I think it all got out of hand and she couldn't handle it. Normally she would have come to me about it but I had a very difficult pregnancy and she didn't want to "bother" me apparently (bless her). I was in regular touch with the school and they (and she) have reassured me that the issue has been resolved. I also had CAMHS involved due to the self-harm and a threat she'd made about suicide; they concluded that she was "o.k." after a couple of counselling sessions. I see her walking round with not much on and I am confident that the self-harm has stopped (for now at least).

She has had a boyfriend since Year 7, coming on 2 years now; this wasn't something I encouraged but initially it was more of a friendship really; he's part of the same friendship group as my daughter and they're in the same year at school. However, I was shocked to learn (by checking her phone messages one day due to a gut feeling that something just wasn't right and a previous incident where she and her friend had been on a social media app that she is not allowed on) that things between them have developed to a sexual level. In fact, "shocked" is an understatement! She is adamant that they have not actually done the deed, despite the texts suggesting that they have. I reacted pretty badly tbh; I really had a go at her and made her take a pregnancy test (negative thankfully). The texts suggested that this had happened the day before so I said we were going to get the morning after pill, however the doctor wouldn't give her it as she kept denying that anything had actually happened, claiming that he just "touched" her with his penis?! She said she wouldn't take it and we couldn't make her. I still don't know how much of what was written was fantasy and how much was real (she has always had a hell of an imagination). The texts weren't massively explicit, but way too much for 13 year olds imho!

Right now she is grounded - not as in, she has to stay in her room, just that she can't go out except to school and has to come straight home (she has done so for the last couple of weeks). Her friends are allowed to come round, but at the moment, the boyfriend is not (I know it's silly but I really want to slap him). She is also not going to be left in the house on her own, and I have tightened up the rules on phone, ipod, etc. - they have to be left on the landing every night during the week (they were talking and texting into the early hours as it turns out).

The issue with me isn't so much that she has sex; although I think 13 is way too young I am aware that this is quite commonplace these days (it wasn't unheard of in the 90s when I was a teen). I have always brought her up to value herself and taught her that sex is a wonderful thing within the confines of a loving relationship. I'm certainly not a prude; I'm only 34 myself and I didn't wait until I was 16 to have sex (was 15). She does say that she loves this boy and he says the same to her (so to her mind she is within the confines of a loving relationship...) He's certainly not the school stud; if anything he's a bit geeky tbh! I tried to speak to his mother about it but she's very laidback about it all; both his parents work and when they're not working they're in the pub, so he is a bit of a latchkey kid (it was at his house that all this went on; in mine they are only allowed in communal areas). The main worry for me is that she could get pregnant (I know STI's are also a risk but with them both being virgins this isn't such an issue). I have tried to talk to her about contraception and how much a pregnancy (or abortion) could mess up her life at such a young age. I've bought her a book about sex aimed at her age (I was shocked at the content, since when did 13 year olds need to know about fisting and golden showers?) I feel like I'm massively up against it with the school as well; they told the girls that if they do get pregnant that they can have an abortion without their parents being told (I was shocked to discover this is true).

I am also surprised at how well she has taken the "grounding". Initially I got all the threats, e.g. if she couldn't see him she would cut herself (even going to the effort of leaving scissors, nail file, pencil sharpener blade down the side of the bed where she knows I check after the earlier self-harm issue). However over the last few days I have noticed he is texting her constantly (her phone is always beeping), but she doesn't always reply to him. Had a sneaky look the other day and she had messaged him saying that she was soaked in blood and there was blood all over the bed sheet; well I checked her bed and there wasn't even a spot of blood! He sends her similar messages! She also left a "diary" note down there (knowing I would read it out of worry) saying that she wanted to take a load of tablets and die, or just might move to her friend's house, "just until Christmas"! Also saying that I had slapped her round the face (I hadn't! I didn't even raise my voice!) I have mentioned nothing about the scissors etc. (as have seen no physical signs of cutting) or the note. She has been wanting loads of cuddles and affection which I am happy to provide, and hasn't whinged too much, even when she missed a friend's party. My partner thinks that on some level, she might have wanted me to put a stop to it all. I have also read a couple of things she's put on her ipod about thinking she could be a lesbian, and she has been looking at pictures od "pretty 14 year old girls". (I couldn't give a jot if she is a lesbian and she knows this).

I have spoken to a good friend of mine about this; she has an 18 year old daughter and went through all this when she was 14; she is of the view that there's nothing I can do to stop it so had best get her on the pill a.s.a.p. and buy her some condoms. Her 18 year old daughter is still with the boy she lost her virginity to at 14 and says the same. Surprisingly, my dear 70 year old stepmother (who brought me up from 12) says pretty much the same thing. They say I should be grateful that at least this is with a boyfriend and not just some randomer (as my first sexual experience was; I was the last of all my friends to "lose it", got drunk at a party and did it - huge regrets still as it led me into a series of one night stands).

So, am I being unreasonable for keeping her in for ever the next few months, or should I just accept that times have changed and accept the situation? I am totally lost! I really think that 13 is too young! Yes, physically she is more like 15 (started her periods at just turned 9) but emotionally she is still quite immature in some ways, despite her intellect. I know that I can't let her go anywhere until she is willing to sit down with me and be honest about how far things have gone, and how she feels about it all. My stepmother says that I might not like this but it could be that my daughter does actually want a sexual relationship. Also there isn't the stigma amongst her peer group about it like there was when I was at school - less of being labelled a "slut" and more "high fives" all round :(

I have been reading 'Get Out of my Life but first take me and Alex into town' by Tony Wolf and Suzanne Franks, great book, and they conclude that parents are deluding themselves if they think they can stop teenagers from having sex if they want to do it. I know as a teen I lied about my whereabouts etc. and I don't doubt my daughter would try to swing the lead. I also don't want to come down too hard and push her away to the point when she won't talk to me; my friend's mother did this to her and she covered up her pregnancy at the age of 15; her mother only found out 4 weeks before the baby was due!

I wasn't expecting to deal with this for a couple of years! HELP!!! (got very long after all, sorry!)

Hi BestZebbie, the blood thing was definitely in the context of self-harm; it's clear from her messages that she had deleted some of them but he was saying that he was soaked in blood too so can't have been about her period! There is a definite "thing" for self-harm within her peer group at the minute; when I spoke to one of the CAMHS counsellors she said that it's almost like a craze amongst girls (and some boys) around the 13-15 age (obviously for some children it is a real problem), in the same way that me and my friends in the 90s used to make ourselves sick (or pretend we had) to "fit in".

The thing is, there wasn't a drop of blood on her sheets, and I've seen her naked arms, legs and waist, so unless she's doing it on her privates or bum there's just no way! It reads like, every time he or she is feeling a bit insecure, they'll say they've done it to elicit sympathy or concern from the other iyswim? This is another reason that I am uncomfortable with their relationship: they are both coming off as immature and needy and there is a real element of game-playing going on.

Thankyou for the reply Tigermoll.

I really feel for my daughter too; I have barely slept for the last couple of weeks for worrying about her.

The main reason I check her phone is because, as I alluded to in my original post, I had caught her out using a social media app that she knew she was not allowed to go on. She and her friend had been talking to men on there, winding them up basically, saying stupid stuff, completely giving their age away with that they were saying, and these men were responding in a very inappropriate way. I had to inform the school as it was a safeguarding issue and they brought the police in to talk to the girls. I have been advised to check her phone and social media. I didn't go on there intending to check her messages between her and her boyfriend but one popped up while I was looking through her apps. A sexual message where he basically said "I want to fuck". In our (very) local area a few years back a 16 year old girl was murdered by a man she met online, claiming to be a young boy when he was actually a sexual predator. I personally feel that her safety outweighs her privacy when it comes to things like that.

I haven't "abandoned" the counselling; it was me that was pressing them for extra help, but they said my daughter was fine, she told them she was fine, and they said that they can't use self-harm as an indicator of a problem anymore without other issues as it is so so so prevalent at the moment. As she is generally a very happy girl, always full of fun and plans for her future, they felt that there was no big issue with it. There is no doubt either that she has used the threat of doing it to manipulate me into backing down about stuff, which I did at first as I was just so terrified that she'd do it again. We made a plan together that if she felt like doing it, any time, day or night, that she would come and get me and I would stay with her until the urge passed. Trust me I have tried my best here.

I'd best point out as well that her "self-harm" was not to the extent where she could have done any real physical damage to herself; she was "chicken scratching" herself with a nail file and to my knowledge this only happened twice. Obviously this is still not a good thing though.

It sounds like she may have had sex with him and maybe regretted it afterwards so is trying to put him off now.

I think you do need to have a frank non-judgemental chat with her. Reassure her that whatever her feelings are they are totally normal and that she is in control of her own body. If she didn't have sex with him then that's ok, if she had sex but doesn't want to again then that is ok. If she wants to have sex with him then she needs to be responsible about contraception, that sort of thing.

After the talk then the grounding can end but you definitely need the talk first.

I don't mean to freak you out but you could see me in a bikini and not notice my scars - they are where they are precisely so they wouldn't be seen. But the danger of self harm isn't the depth of the marks, it's in what it signifies - a profound feeling that you are worthless and deserve to suffer.

Do you realise OP that all the way through this thread you have made constant references to YOUR teenage years, what YOU did, how YOU felt, what YOUR friends did. Perhaps it's time to put YOUR teenage self aside and start to concentrate on the teenager you have in front of you right now.

Contraceptive implant perhaps. Shame you can't arrange gor her to chat with some teenage mums as she wouldn't see them as ancient and perhaps more relevant

If they are going to have sex they will.

Friends mum grounded her when I was in school so her and her boyfriend just skipped classes and did it then.

I think the best way to deal with it is to have a talk about contraception and how she doesn't have to have sex if she doesn't want sex.

I have a DS the same age, I don't think you are being unreasonable asking her to come straight home after school, presumably she has homework she needs to do? By letting her female friends come over you are letting her socialise and providing a warm safe place for them. She is 13, who cares how long she's had a boyfriend, it is not appropriate for her self-esteem (or any woman's) to be tied to having a boyfriend. What other interests does she have? Drama? Sport? Painting? Music? Can you encourage her to join in groups where her own accomplishments are valued so she can see how special she is? Was she a brownie, could she help at a brownie or beaver pack?

You know, it sounds to me as though she might be trying to back off from the relationship, and using your punishment as the excuse to do so. I remember doing the same as a teenager- moaning about how "that cow won't let me" while secretly being very relieved that that was the case. I also remember desperately regretting the first time I had sex, realising I was too young, not wanting to do it again and thinking I couldn't dump the boy because then he'd tell everyone what we'd done.
You need to talk to her and find out what she is actually thinking and feeling, instead of trying to guess by reading her messages. You must stop doing that as well, it's a terrible invasion of her privacy, and concern for her doesn't make it ok.
I'd also consider enlisting your lovely Stepmum's help- maybe your daughter would find it easier to talk to her? But if you do this, you have to trust her and respect the confidence between them. If you obtain reports back and your daughter realises, you'll blow it.

As others have sais, you really need to change the dynamic of your relationship with her. It needs to be a dialogue. You need to arm her with the skills to make these decisions for herself. So TALK to her. Get more info on contraception and leave it with her. You might have already ruined any trust she had in you. You need to talk about what to fo if she does want a physical relationsjip, and what to do if she doesnt. She has to know that you will support her, otherwise she will find someone else and theres no knowing who that person will be.

And you have no rights over her body which is why the gp wouldnt give her the map. Nor will they "put" her on the pill without her consent. And yes she has as much a right to patient confidentiality as you do.

I have no advice to offer, I think you have been given lots of good advice from those on here and IRL.

I just wanted to say that although posters are saying you shouldn't have read her texts etc TBH I would have done exactly the same and and I wouldn't have reacted as calmly as you. I think you sound like a lovely Mum.

she didnt' want to bother me

My DF was an alcoholic and as a result we DCs were always kind to DM, and I never once told her I had problems, discussed anything intimate with her, instead lived with a coping front which i developed to such an extent that decades later I am still trying to sort out my emotions and learning how to open up to people.

If my mother had spoken about stuff (elephant in the room nothing discussed) (and I dont' mean me and sex, we never discussed that in my life) but what my DF's problem is, what other adults were saying, GP etc. What the outcome might be so that I understood instead of living on my imaginings of what was going on, how different things might have been. I just saw a brave, sad DM with insoluble problems. Not a happy way to be for a child.

If you can appear happy, coping, enjoying your DD's company and existence (can't think of another word) and explaining what and why you have probs with your complicated family (in a way she can understand), and I mean explain not burden her with your issues, then perhaps she will feel able to open up to you.

I'm sure you are disappointed that she is involved with her BF sexually but it's pretty normal. Can you explain to her why it is such a big deal for you so that she isn't made to feel it is her that is the bad one and understands where you are coming from.

I agree with Doobigetta, she may be using this as a reason to back off.

What concerns me with hyper sexualised 13 year old girls is that it is rarely a decision they have made. The girls giving blow jobs in your earlier example were not experiencing any pleasure from it. It's a side effect of the general pornification of our society where the girl becomes an object, not a person.

See if you can get the sex education show from channel 4, on demand or on YouTube. It's very descriptive and could help her.

I haven't a teen so I can't give anyhow advice beyond keep communication is essential.

if you lock her up you will lose her forever. She is her own person, all you can do is explain to her how she might feel later if she has sex now, tell her about the negatives and let her live her own life. The more unfair you are to her the more she will dislike you. Think carefully...

I am sorry you are in this position OP and I have no idea how I would react (girls slightly younger). I don't think there is a 'right' path to tread, I am minded of a thread about two years ago where there was a boy and girl friends sleeping in together and pretty much everyone was adamant you had to set down rules, not allow them to sleep together as under age and you were the protector. This seems to me what you are doing, yet you are getting a pasting from it.

I really can't understand people saying don't look at her texts/phone, she is ultimately a child in the eyes of the law- if you hadn't looked, then the more serious safeguarding issue with older men wouldn't have come to light. This is criminal, not just undesirable and I think it is great she has you to look out for her.

Having said that, of course you can't keep her under lock and key (nor does it sound like that's what you are doing in reality, many children are required to come straight home and only go out with people their parents know- this was how I was parented as a teen and never thought it restrictive). I do think a calmer chat about the boy might help, as others have said, she may be looking for an out in which case you are not doing her a disservice at all by giving her an excuse. This may not be the case though, and she may be up to things behind your back, so I think a very honest dialogue along the lines of how you are both out of your depth in these situations might be a good one.

I don't see the basis to say 'you are handling it badly' here at all- given that there is no perfect easy way to handle 13 year old girls having sex/self-harming/getting involved in being groomed! The more opinions you read though, the more you will find your way through yourselves.

I've just come on to say exactly what Hair has said. You can't just leave a 13 year old to their own devices as far as social media and communication are concerned, no more than you can leave a toddler unsupervised in the kitchen. There's respecting privacy and just leaving to sink or swim.

I will certainly be keeping an eye on my children's phones and FB accounts. It's no different from checking browsing history on computers, which we are all implored to do. There's ways to check that aren't intrusive eg, skim texts for key words, don't take it personally and act on it if it's negative about YOU (which it often will be!)

That said you shouldn't have marched her off for a pregnancy test but you obviously already know that . You sound like you're trying so hard to do the right thing and put her first and that's all anyone can ask for.

Thankyou so much for the replies everyone; although I haven't agreed with everything that's been said it's been very useful to hear other points of view.

Thankyou MokunMokun; I'm really not sure if they've actually "gone all the way" but I'm sure that even if they haven't it won't be far off.

Thankyou again tigermoll; I really am confident that she is no longer doing it as I have seen her naked when I was helping her out of the bath the other night (she has her arm in a pot at the minute due to falling off a wall trying to avoid a group of boys - oh the irony!). I really hope she doesn't feel worthless; I have always tried to bolster her self-esteem - always told her she's beautiful from day one, praised all of her efforts and achievements, etc. She says sometimes that she thinks she is "fat and ugly", and I know that unfortunately this feeling is common in girls of her age (I was the same, as were most of my friends - some still are!)

Thankyou cheesecakemom; teenagers are bloody hard work! I think a lot of the behaviour is attention seeking in nature; I also realise that she was mega pissed off with me and would have been trying to upset me (as they do). I have perhaps been a bit slack with some of the boundaries over recent months due to being so tired with a new baby; things like letting her stay up late with me and not limiting her screen time. All change on that front!

Thankyou MidniteScribbler; you're right, I have referred back a lot to my own teenage years, only because I have never had a teenager before and my own experience and those of my friends are all I really have to relate to on that score. Believe me I am concentrating on my daughter as well though.

Thankyou Purplepoodle; I had a horrendous experience on the implant, with depression and severe anxiety, so I am reluctant to go down that route, though I realise that it is an option to be discussed further.

Thankyou Altinkum; no I haven't told the school, as I'm still not 100% sure how far things have gone. Besides which, I'm not sure what they could do? The kids are both the same age and both 13 so apparently able to "consent". Perhaps I have handled it wrong but for the right reasons, i.e. keeping my daughter safe and trying to prevent a possible teenage pregnancy.

Thankyou Piper; I had thought about the "skipping classes" thing; this would be very out of character for my daughter but it's not beyond the realms of possibility.

Thankyou Eastpoint; this is one of my concerns: it's not just about the (possible) sexual relationship between them; it's all a bit "heavy" on the emotional front as well. Unfortunately my daughter is one of those kids who never sticks at any kind of extra-curricular activity; we've tried to get her into stuff and she hates it all! Academically she is outstanding but has never managed to sustain any kind of hobby! (She was a brownie; think that lasted about 2 months).

Thankyou Doobigetta; you could be right there. As I said upthread, I can't afford to NOT check her phone from time to time after the previous safeguarding / potential grooming issue (which occured the same day that they had a big talk warning them about it at school!). I don't think my daughter would feel at all comfortable talking to her Nanna; she thinks I'm a fossil at 34 so don't think she's listen much to a 70 year old!

Thankyou redexpat; I understand that she has a right to patient confidentiality; I just personally feel that at 13 they are just children and decisions such as whether or not to have an abortion can be too much for them to handle on their own.

Thankyou for your kind words Balloonslayer.

Thankyou Moniker1; I am sorry to hear of your difficult childhood; I didn't have an easy time of it either, which I guess may be why I'm a little overprotective when it comes to my own children. It is really important for me for them to be happy and safe. I really do enjoy my daughter's company; she is great fun and bright as a button, and we share some common interests, like music and films. I'm not disappointed in her; I understand that they have been together for two years and are very close. I'm more just worried that she hasn't got the emotional maturity to cope with a sexual relationship just yet.

Thankyou LumpySpacedPrincess; I agree with your comment about the pornification of society. I think it's fantastic that adults can participate in pretty much any legal sexual activity they like, with who they like, and that as a society we have moved on from prudish and homophobic attitudes. I just wish that our children could be children for a little longer.

Thankyou addictedtobass (great user name; so am I!), I'll have a look for that, just as much for my own benefit as hers.

Thankyou wasitsomethingisaid; I really want to let her live her own life, and I know that as she is growing up I have to watch as she makes mistakes and just be there to help pick up the pieces. But it doesn't matter how much I know this in theory; in practice it is so so difficult to watch someone you love more than anything in the world doing something which you know could end up hurting them.

Thankyou Hairtoday; I have read similar threads on here too where people were being told that they basically needed to step up and stop the behaviour. I'm quite surprised that i haven't had a single response like that; I was expecting some! I'm sure if I was saying that they had only been together for a couple of weeks the responses I received would have been very different. It's good to read that someone understands where I'm coming from with the whole "checking her phone" thing; I really don't feel that this is wrong as it is purely motivated by keeping her safe from grooming, etc., a problem so prevalent and as I said upthread, something which has affected my community with a horrific outcome.

Thankyou NickiFury; it's a good thing I have a thick skin as I have read some things about myself that aren't exactly pleasant! Yes I am really trying to look out for her.

Anyhoo, we had a brief chat tonight (baby got a runny bum bless her so I've been very busy), and I've told her that before I can think of letting her out and about again we need to have a serious talk about everything, just the two of us. I have talked to her about sex before; I have always tried to answer any questions she has had in an honest and age-appropriate way (as when she memorably asked me what a blow job was when she was 10...). However we've never really just sat down in one session and really talked about it in-depth. She told me that the boy's mother had gone through his phone as well but didn't seem too bothered, and that his dad had said "go on son" (how true this is I don't know, but having spoken to his mother about it it's fair to say they're not really that arsed - his mother lost her virginity at 11 so doesn't think it's any big deal!). I got the "sex talk" at about 11; myself and my cousin the same age, my auntie (a nurse) got us slightly tiddly on Tia Maria and coke then got "the book" out! So I'm going to get her a bottle of Babycham (!) or something and just try and discuss it sensibly, "ancient" woman to "almost" woman. I'm not going to make it easy for them in any sense; still only allowed in communal areas and I'm not letting her go out "hanging around" while it's dark nights. I'm also not leaving her with the house to herself for the time being. As I said upthread she's at her dad's the majority of weekends and he lives two towns away.

I really don't want her to feel that sex is a "bad" thing; it's bloody fantastic with the right person and I also want her to value herself enough to say "no" if she wants to. I know I have fucked up in the way I have handled this; I really want her to be able to come and talk to me and I want to respond in a non-judgmental, less emotional way.

Again, thankyou for the replies; much appreciated. I'll keep you all informed!

Hi cottagecheese, I am also the mother of a 13yo girl, we've had (and still have) a number of issues to do with self-harm and inappropriate internet use.

I just wanted to tell you that I completely understand your reaction. We can't always react completely rationally when it comes to our children's safety. I think grounding for a while and removing means of communication at night is a good strategy. And keep talking.

You seem like a lovely, caring mother to me. Hang on in there! :)

Your teenage daughter has had a boyfriend for 2 years, and you're surprised she's having sex?

For starters, you way over reacted and have guaranteed that she is not going to talk to you again as things stand. You need to fix this first. Have a frank conversation about birth control, enthusiastic consent, and tell her about your sexcapades as a child and why you feel this way about her doing it.

You can't keep her in, but you can restrict where she goes with him and make it a bit harder to have sex. So no more going to his house, he has to come here (and let him come over and feel welcomed!). She has to go on group dates. These are all ridiculously reasonable rules for a 13 year old. They still might do it, they might not. But at least they'll be doing it less.

Also, I'd install an app on her phone that lets you monitor her texts. Something like this: Parent monitor. You do not want her sending him nude photos. It only takes one photo, one time of a 13 year old boy using terrible judgement, and that photo is in cyber space for forever. You would rather be controlling then have nude photos of her leaked everywhere, especially if she's had a previous bullying issue. Knowing you'll be getting all photos, posts, and texts will at least stop what she puts online in public domain.

Remember, she's 13. Not an adult. You are still allowed to enforce boundaries and rules with her if it is in her best interest.

In any case, good luck. This isn't a fun situation for any parent.

MN is always so fricking 'right on' about teen sex. I don't think you handled it terribly, she's THIRTEEN.
I was treated just as you have treated your daughter and though I was incredibly cross about it at the time, I emerged unscathed from my teenage years and it really didn't make much difference later on. I did plead with my mother to give my sister more freedom when I was nineteen and she was thirteen and she drank a lot, had a lot of sex, had a very scary violent boyfriend and was raped at a party. Her entire teen years were like something out of a movie. We are both now married functioning happy adults with kids, we both have good relationships with my mother so in real terms it may have made little difference... but to those who say your teen won't trust you and will lie and do it anyway, I don't see why this means you have to tacitly accept it and treat a thirteen year old as an adult. The tales of doom that arise from stories of parents acting like parents are totally unwarranted. It is ridiculous to pretend there's anything amazingly positive about being a thirteen year old having sex. It won't kill her to be given out to for it. The right to privacy in terms of sex with others at this age is seriously overrated.

duplodon My parents tried keeping me away and I just snuck out and did it anyway.

That's why I said restrict them as much as possible (I know you weren't replying to me, I'm agreeing with you). Keep your friends close, enemies closer and all that. Not that a teenage boy is the enemy, but if you give them a place where they can easily be together under supervision, then you can reduce the number of opportunities they have.

People come out alright from all sorts of bad situations and dysfunctional families, humans are great at coping and moving on. That's not really a good litmus test for how well you did as a parent.

She does want her daughter to not be afraid to talk to her though. You want your child to feel you can be open and honest with you, without fearing your reaction. That includes: If her daughter feels she wants to self harm again, she feels suicidal, she gets raped, she feels pressured to have sex by her boyfriend. The list goes on.

She doesn't need to treat her like an adult, but she does need to re-open the door for communication and keep an eye on her.