Another au pair story AIBU

[Thewiseonenot]

Friend has au pair, things haven't worked out OK and friend gave au pair 6 weeks notice to leave or find another family. This because friend is thoughtful that au pair had booked flight to go home for Christmas and didn't want her to incur extra expense.
3 weeks after au pair hasn't done much to look for anything, still out partying every week end and spend every free time in her room. Quality of her work OKeish but she has stopped trying and to build relationship with kids. This Under-stably.

When friend asked her a couple of days ago what her plans were, she said very matter of fact:

I am sure you don't mind kerping my stuff until January. When I come back I will look for a room and a job....no point looking now before Christmas!

She doesn't want to be an pair anymore so no looking for a family...

Friend explained that room will require a deposit to rent and that job might take months to find especially as she doesn't speak English.

She looked surprised, said uh oh.... My friend explained to her that she has got to go...cannot hang around until January.

But not much has changed as she is still going out week ends at night and staying in during the day...no showing any urgency in looking for anything.

My friend feels bad about it as atmosphere is not great and the au pair looks depressed when in and it's a very sad figure to see moving around the house.

I think that 6 weeks notice is more than enough and by end of it she should get key back and wave au pair goodbye without feeling responsible for it.

AIBU? Am I horrible?

I can see now from the responses that my friend already sees this girl happiness as her responsibility, and au pair is taking advantage of it... I thought I was being mean... But seems that majority agrees with my point of view.

In fact my friend will indeed need room for next au pair which is not lined up yet, but she would rather take time off work in January and cut ties with this one than let the situation linger and carry on in the new year!

I think it will help my friend CUT all the Times at Christmas ad au pair seme sto be playing the victim card so my friend feels guilty any time she sees around in fact any time i visit au pair will suddenly show up in the kitchen still in her pyjamas, looking very gloom, she sits at the table with us with her cup of tea and nods to our conversations.... She can't join in as her English not good but she wants to learn....and refused to go to school as too expensive... However she thinks her only way to learn is by trying to join in conversations with my friends and her friends!

I am her best friend - so I don't mind and I know full story. But my friend has stopped inviting around other friends or family who would find this very awkward .... Especially as au pair repertoire is very limited and mostly she goes on about the miserable weather and how sad she is all thr time...

Meant: it will help my friend's well being to cut all ties at Christmas!

and refused to go to school as too expensive How come English lessons weren't part of the package though?

Thought school fees are not normally part of package? Not sure, but this is what I thought.

However my friend is very generous and Apparently au pair preferred to be paid more than spend money on school as she came to be au pair plus.

She said she prefers spending money on going out/ clubbing rather than going to school. My friend thought it was au pair choice how to spend her money and live her life outside of contracted hours. But she couldn't subsidise school fees AND give her higher wage for less hours to allow her to attend night school. Au pair chose and said school was not a priority as she could learn by going out and talking to people.

You can draw a horse to the water but you cannot...

It wouldn't be school though it would be a part time EAL course probably at a college or in the community, which are often subsidised for EU residents. Also an opportunity to meet other short term UK residents and socialise which can be important to prevent homesickness and isolation. Your friend has been naïve in accepting an AP with limited language skills who is not prepared to do this.

Probably you are right, first au pair and she wanted to be as accommodating as possible so she was naive...

The point now though is that friend accepts it didn't work out and she wants out but au pair seems to think my friend is responsible for stay here until she finds another solution that suits her.

She needs to give her a deadline to remove her belongings. How long was the official notice period, as long as she pays her that and any other agreed sundries like flight home they can agree an earlier finish date by mutual consent. Why does AP not feel it is her responsibility , was she found through an agency who may have misled her or to whom friend could speak ?

Au pair has ticket booked and had 6 weeks notice which my friend is paying for. No misleading - but I think my friend's good nature is her worst enemy in this case as the au pair gives for granted lots of stuff ( for example on first trip out in town with au pair, my friend drove her and au pair to shopping center as friend was having hair cut (a treat from her mum for her birthday) the au pair was meant to have a wonder around to make herself familiar with shopping center/town while friend was there...well, au pair plonks herself in the chair at hairdressers too and said she was going to have hair cut too. My friend told her then that this was an expensive hairdresser - it's 90£ for cut and blow dry.. Au pair looked confused, said uh oh, thought you were going to pay for me as you should treat me as part of the family!

Things went downhill from there I believe, I couldn't believe the cheeck!

Your friend is being reasonable, and just has to say, sorry need to have everything out of your room before Christmas, and return the key. I might be inclined to offer to store a packed suitcase (as I have space) to be collected beginning of Jan if it gets thrown out, but appreciate but not be easy for others. Also make it clear she can't stay after Christmas at all.

"uh oh, thought you were going to pay for me as you should treat me as part of the family!"

Bloody hell, the sheer nerve! Clearly this AP is either a massive pisstaker or woefully naive. Either way, your friend needs to get rid ASAP. Don't let her come back after Christmas, you'll never get rid of her unless you toss her out onto the street!

Please tell your friend that if the AP is an adult she can sort her own accommodation and job out. I've been an AP, and would have never dreamt of behaving like this!

This is the point, we can't work out if she is naive or trying it on!

Au pair had this idea of working abroad for very rich family, probably with Saint Tropez trips and no expenses spared with going out/cinema trips and special food (she is on a gluten free diet that my friend has to cater for, which was never mentioned during interview)

Reality is that my friend works to give family a good standard of life but they can't afford regular restaurant / cinema trips and special foods are a stretch to the budget. Holiday is once a year in a caravan...hardly glamourous.

So, the au pair looks entitled and says this was a let down - but nobody ever promised her anything or suggested family was very rich.

In a way she was treating my friend like she had to make up for it....so my friend said this won't work - stay until Christmas, when you can either go home or find a new family.

Today friend confronted au pair and offered to pay for extra luggage to send stuff home. She even gave her the choice to leave earlier if she finds family...however au pair said that they offer peanut money for au pairing and she wants to find a proper job.... And - not said, but hinted, my friend should help by being understanding that it might take longer.
Friend wants to keep things amicable as au pair is still there for 3 weeks, but has been firm in saying that after Chrustmas au pair must go.

Au pair says she accepts that...

Thank you for your advice and replies.... She felt more confident handling this based on those...

Yikes, I'd bet good money that the AP will expect to come back after Christmas - I'd bag up her stuff and pretend the room will be needed by someone else so she HAS to leave, otherwise she'll come back in January, plead helplessness/homelessness and rinse and few more weeks' board and lodging out of your friend.

I simply would not have anyone in my house who did not have a positive relationship with my children, or at least was making an effort with them. Your friend should give her the option of a free ticket home, or sort herself out.

This is exactly why I told my friend to offer to pay to ship stuff but to not accept to keep her things. I think au pair will try all she can to have a free ride... And is taking advantage of my friend good nature as my friend so far has been very understanding and polite and treats her well ....

as i said on your other thread 6 weeks notice is more then enough

when she leaves all her stuff goes with her and no more contact ever needed

Was contract for 6 weeks' notice ? That in itself seems generous enough.

No contract, she just offered au pair to stay until Christmas... Which at the time was 6 weeks away

Thank you Blondes!

I don't think your friend should pay for any excess baggage fees. I think it's very cut and dry- the au pair sounds like a terrible match and your friend hasn't been very clear in communicating what works for her. She has already extended herself and shown a great amount of consideration by giving her a generous 6 weeks notice.

She's even tried to advise her on how to get a new job. At this point the friend needs to stop worrying about where the AP is going to work and live after Xmas. AP can either take her things with her when she leaves, mail them home ahead of time, or leave them with a friend. It's unfortunate that things didn't work out with the AP but friend doesn't owe her anything extra.

Your friend needs to tell her that when she leaves on xxx date she will need to take all of her things with her. If AP say's "Oh you don't mind...what's the big deal..." or something similar then friend needs to stand firm and say" I'm sorry, I do mind and that simply doesn't work for me. We are going to be painting the AP room and I can't store your things there. I really don't want to be responsible in the event something happens to them".

Also friend needs to live and learn from this...moving forward if she intends on having AP's she needs to be much clearer. When she advertises for an AP or/and during the first interview she should be very clear about what the job entails and what the compensation is. If the AP candidate speaks poor English and friend tends on paying for classes then pay for classes. If AP doesn't take advantage of that don't offer them extra money. That's great that friend is concerned for AP's happiness but she needs to draw the line somewhere and find "nice" ways to say things firmly. For example if I had an AP who tended to crash the conversation when I had a friend over I would say " FYI AP my friend Sally is coming over for lunch. We do need to have some privacy as she has some personal issues she wants to talk to me about. Thanks for being understanding- you are welcome to take a plate of lunch to your room or take off for the afternoon". She also needs to make sure she has a contract and clearly outlines everything.

Great advise leopard, I think this has put off my friend from having an au pair as she feels drained and due would always try to take the other person problems and try to make it better... She is an incredible person but au pairs probably don't suit her as she is constantly thinking about making other person happy in the house and she finds the whole experience draining.

Also, if it doesn't work out you are stuck with this person...she felt bad about asking her to leave a few weeks before Christmas - but she genuinely thought that au pair would leave before to go to another family.

Friend mentioned once to au pair that she would have preferred to be left with her friends to chat when they come over, but au pair got extremely upset and said that she lived in the house and was part of the family and would friend ask her kids to leave the room! She had the right to be integrated.

Friend has given up and is counting the day.... So this will make her firmer to put foot down with her...

I do wonder though where is the limit to integrate a person in your family and still keep some privacy? I am not sure I could cope with an au pair living in my house god this very reason...

For this very reason! I meant.. Not god...autocorrect !

I think the AP and host family need to use common sense when it comes to setting boundaries. For example when I was an au pair then later a nanny I would greet the mum's friends and exchange a few words but then politely excuse myself unless the friend obviously wanted to chat with me. This is the same thing I did growing up, when I was a teenager I wouldn't except my mum's friends to hang out with me when they came over.

That sounds like a workable solution Leopard....however this au pair is making a point of all the au pairs requirements to an extreme ( being treated as part of the family, given the chance to practice her language skills with friends of the family, being treated to haircuts or trips out and holidays and special foods needs- where does it stop?) she wants to be my friend 3rd daughter...but a spoiled daughter at that!

If you follow all of of these rules very closely - having an au pair becomes exhausting, draining and very expensive .... My friend decided that she would be better off with sending her girls to clubs and working less hours...until she can.

She was looking to change her hours in January to go full time and au pair seemed the best option as there is no childcare option really for teenagers where she lives, but she would rather earn less that have this girl as her daughters role model at such a delicate age...

She also expected my friend to buy expensive shampoos and face creams! She would put them on the grocery list... Her comment to this was how was she expected to pay for those on the money she was earning...