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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider a sperm donor?

36 replies

siblingrevelryagain · 22/11/2014 15:42

I have three happy, healthy children. I was lucky to have three (DH only ever wanted two but agreed to three).

My marriage broke down this year following DH's affair. It's been the shittiest year but the kids and I are doing great and have a calm, happy and loving household with the four of us. I'm 39, and whilst I'm ridiculously grateful for my children I don't feel that three is the number for me. I've always wanted four and still get broody and yearn for another child. I hope this doesn't make me sound entitled; I assure you I don't think kids are a right. But at the risk of sounding arrogant or boastful I am a very good mom (the way I've handled my marriage breakdown has been to always put them first, and I have always put their needs first.

I am 39, in good health and have relatively easy pregnancies (apart from SPD). I work and my DH helps to support our children, we have our own home so would it be a bad move for me to deliberately have a child that would, effectively, not have a father that was known to it?

I'd welcome all and any thoughts people may have.

OP posts:
sparklyandbright · 22/11/2014 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuperLoveFuzz · 22/11/2014 15:52

I would be worried about the child being the only one without a dad. I think he/she would feel very left out when the other children went to visit him, received gifts from him etc. I understand some children will be in this situation through having different dads, but I would think carefully before choosing that situation.

GoodKingQuintless · 22/11/2014 16:03

Yes.
Because you cant offer your next child the same thing as you can offer your other 3 children: A relationship with a father.
Neither can you offer the child the same "status" among his/her siblings.
You will be making a child that is the odd one out.

I am not exactly what you are trying to recreate in your life with the addition of a fourth child. But it sounds very selfish to give life to a child when your only concern is that it will benefit you to go through another pregnancy, and raise another baby.

And if it is because you need more money, then another child + more child benefits is not the right solution.

Mmolly2013 · 22/11/2014 16:05

would your exh kindly donate Smile

Original poster
siblingrevelryagain · 22/11/2014 16:56

Thanks for the replies. Ex wouldn't donate-he is/was dead against us having 4 children, and if he fathered a child he'd want and feel obliged to have a relationship with him/her as he does with the others.

I agree it may be selfish, as it's to fulfil my need, but equally I know another child would only enhance the life of it's siblings. I can see how it might be the child who feels the negative aspects though.

Certainly not a benefits thing. Single mom doesn't always have to equal benefits. The child would be paid for by me (I can afford another child).

OP posts:
GoodKingQuintless · 22/11/2014 17:04

"I know another child would only enhance the life of it's siblings"

How?
How do you know this?
And how do you know another child will enhance their lives?

4 children to divide your time between and follow up in school and activities, as opposed to "only" 3
4 children to buy clothes, toys, food, sports equipment for, as opposed to 3?

How do you plan to enhance the life of that new child, while making it equal between ALL your children?

HerrenaHarridan · 22/11/2014 17:05

Would you consider fostering or adoption?

Bottom line I think yanbu if you can afford to support them and have love to give.
You would have to be aware of potential impacts on potential child, and really think about ways to make sure they never felt lesser than the others while they're off with their dad but kids adapt to their circumstances

What kind of age gap are we talking about?

ScrambledEggAndToast · 22/11/2014 17:08

This all just seems ridiculously soon seeing as your marriage only broke down this year. It seems like you just need to take time to get over that first before you think about any more kids.

HerrenaHarridan · 22/11/2014 17:08

Disagree with all this is one out stuff. Kids that come along at different ages and stages get different opportunities etc based on what you earn, where you live, development of social relationships and a million other reasons.

Things should be fair not equal/identical

poisonintheblood · 22/11/2014 17:09

I think you would be unreasonable sorry because as you say, the other 3 have a father figure and the fourth wouldn't. I think that would be really hard. I'm not at all against use of donated sperm but in this particular instance I think the priority has to be your existing children x

Blueteas · 22/11/2014 17:10

My immediate reaction is that it would be very difficult for this child to deal with the absence of a father when his/her siblings have a strong, loving very present relationship with theirs. - very different to having a child with donor sperm if all siblings are in the same situation.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 22/11/2014 17:10

I think it's a bad idea.

How would that child feel not to have a father, while the other 3 have.

Children talk about fun things they do with their father, Father's Day many children make homemade cards.

CromerSutra · 22/11/2014 17:11

No I wouldn't in your position OP. I have one DD using a known donor, who is a friend of mine. Although that has been 90% positive the relationship between her and her donor dad has been a bit tricky and not as she or I would have hoped. I wanted another child desperately (donor friend didn't want to do it again) but the only real option for me would have been using an unknown donor and the thought of having one child who did know their dad and another who did not have that option didn't sit well with me at all. I think if you had 3 that knew their dad and a 4th that didn't it would be even more difficult. I know this has been debated many times on MN and I totally respect the fact that not all children feel the same but I have friends with children from anonymous donors and their kids have really struggled.

ArthurShappey · 22/11/2014 17:14

"I know another child would only enhance the life of it's siblings"

No... It's for you, not for your children, don't try and convince yourself otherwise.

It's up to you but if you do it , you must remember this time you'll be going it alone as a single patent... It'll be harder as a single parent. It may be confusing to your other children, you will have to explain it to them. Your xDH might not be so financially generous if he resents that his maintenance will also finance the new child. It's your life, there's no point asking us to a certain extent.

minibmw2010 · 22/11/2014 17:15

You say you and ex have an ok relationship, I think if you had another child that could change quite quickly and your children would suffer. Sorry but it sounds like a selfish whim just at the moment.

Only1scoop · 22/11/2014 17:17

'Selfish to fulfil my need'

A little maybe ....your 3 dc would all spend time with their df. Things would be very different for other dc.

I personally don't think it's a great idea.

DragonMamma · 22/11/2014 17:23

It's not something I would consider in your position. As some posters upthread have said, it will smart long term with them going off to see their DF and them not even having one.

I think it's selfish to do this to your existing children. It's you and only you that wants this. What happens if your potential 4th has additional needs or is a difficult baby/child? You'd be stretched thinly enough with a new child as it is.

queenofthepirates · 22/11/2014 17:24

Nonsense, of course you should go ahead. If you have enough love in your family to stretch to a fourth child, you should do it. Talk to your ex and see if he will assimilate the new baby into the larger family, if not, well so be it, new baby gets special times with you instead. You may well meet someone but perhaps you won't at 39 and time is precious. Book the appointment and go ahead.

myknickersknackersknockers · 22/11/2014 17:25

I think it would be very difficult when the oldest three children did things with their Dad and the youngest child was at home with you. Surely he/she would feel left out??

HerrenaHarridan · 22/11/2014 17:27

So op shouldn't have another child in case it has SN!?! Lovely

CromerSutra · 22/11/2014 17:28

So no consideration for the rather unique position a child from an anonymous donor finds themselves in queenofthepirates? It is a lot more complicated than just wanting another child.

formerbabe · 22/11/2014 17:29

I think it is an awful idea...sorry op. I think to purposely become a single mother to 4 children is absolute madness. I don't think it would benefit your 3 existing children at all.

SuperScrimper · 22/11/2014 17:31

No. I don't think any child should be brought into the world with no chance of ever having a proper relationship with their Father.

How jealous will they be of their siblings?

poisonintheblood · 22/11/2014 17:36

Super I understand you were probably talking specifically about the OP but i do think women in same sex relationships should certainly be 'allowed' and indeed encouraged (if it is what they want!) to use anonymously donated sperm.

ChickenMe · 22/11/2014 17:40

No I don't agree with it either, sorry. You are purposely creating a child who will never have access to half of their genetic heritage nor a father figure, whether related or not. Think of that child before you think of yourself. You could meet someone in the next few years and have a child.

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