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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas related Aibu...

64 replies

LokiBear · 22/11/2014 10:41

We moved to a much bigger house in the summer. Our 32 in tv now looks a little small in our lounge. PIL and DH have mentioned about how we 'need' a bigger tv pretty much constantly. DH is desperate for one but we can't afford it atm. Especially when there is nothing wrong with the old one. So far, we have had several conversations with pil about the TV. The first, asking us why we didn't treat ourselves to a bigger one. We said that we couldn't afford it. The next, offering to give DH half towards a big tv as his Christmas present (they buy it, we pay them our half back monthly). DH said no, again because we don't need one and the house is much more expensive than our old one; we are still getting used to higher monthly out goings and do not want to over stretch ourselves financially. Today, DH has had a phone call from pil suggesting that they buy it for us as a joint present. PIL asked dh to ask me if I was ok with that and then let them know. I can't say no, can I? DH would agree in a heartbeat. PIL really want him to have his tv. If I say no I'm being a complete cow. I'm not bothered about actually having a bigger tv. However, I would never dictate to pil what to buy me for Christmas. I just wish they hadn't asked because I feel like it is all on me. I'm uncomfortable with the amount of money they spend on us anyway. I worry that my parents compare and feel bad as they spend a more modest amount. I dont want to be in this position because I want to say no but I cant without looking like a selfish bitch. For the record, my pil are lovely people, I love them to bits and there are no issues. I do know how lucky I am.

OP posts:
grocklebox · 22/11/2014 12:27

Unless you live in a palace, a 32 inch tv is not too small for any room.

But lookit, the mans parents want to buy him a tv, he wants a tv. Does it do you any harm at all? Does it make them all happy? Then whats the harm in them buying a tv?

Original poster
LokiBear · 22/11/2014 12:29

Thanks for all of the replies. I appreciate the different opinions and I'm grateful for being able to vent my feelings as I can't in rl without upsetting people. I am going to accept the TV with good grace, obviously. I do feel annoyed at how I've been rail roaded into it but will not say anything. The only thing I will say on here is that a couple of people have mentioned that my parents buy gifts for me, DH'S parents buy gifts for him. This is not and never has been the case. My parents treat dh and I equally. We each have the same amount spent on us and they buy gifts that we want. We have been together 15 years. Obviously, my parents treat dh equally to me, they always have. My pils have always treated me very well and they are very generous. I'm very lucky. I just feel a bit miffed that dh and pil have put this on me and put me in a position where I can't say no without upsetting them. I can't help the fact that I don't want a tv, but they want to buy it for DH so I don't really have a choice. I'm going to stop moaning now. It's a first world problem isn't it? Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 22/11/2014 12:31

Do your parents ask for a gift list? Could you maybe ask for a joint present if your choosing to even the score?

Original poster
LokiBear · 22/11/2014 12:37

My mums already done her shopping! I don't want to do that anyway, DH will love my mums present. I think I might just treat myself to something nice next time I can afford it.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 22/11/2014 12:37

Then whats the harm in them buying a tv
The harm would be that it's also the OPs Xmas present and she's being guilt tripped into accepting it. If they're a bit skint the OP might prefer less cash spent, but on something she wants or needs.
If PIL want to buy their son a TV, fine. They shouldn't make it a joint gift, and their son shouldn't put the OP in the position of having to say it's all fine.

gobbynorthernbird · 22/11/2014 12:39

Massive X-posts as the bloody page didn't refresh properly.
Loki, you are definitely due the next treat!

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2014 12:39

I think the OP is being very gracious.

She is going to have something in her house she doesn't really want, and it is coming out of her present. I think her DH is being unfair and grabby.

I wouldn't have backed down but I'm horrible like that.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 22/11/2014 12:43

Sometimes marriage is about giving in and I think this is one of those times. If my dh really really wanted something and there was the opportunity to have it, then I'd be happy to sacrifice my present for a year.

clam · 22/11/2014 13:01

Well, I think YANBU, but that's probably because I hate, loathe and detest large TVs. I particularly dislike the way some people seem to think they're some kind of status symbol, when I invariably look at them and thing, Yuk. They totally dominate most UK sitting rooms and are, I think, the worst examples of showy-offy consumerism.

So I appreciate that I'm biased. But if it was anything else, and you like your ILs, I'd go along with it.

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/11/2014 13:06

DH has just said 'are you sure you really want a tv?'

Erm...The answer here would have been 'no'. I don't get why lie and whinge about it. Tell the truth and maybe you might just get a different outcome.

Floggingmolly · 22/11/2014 13:11

God be with the days where a present was chosen for you by the giver. All these lists for every occasion; weddings, engagements, Christenings, engagements, etc, just ensure some people fly into an absolute frenzy when the "control" so to speak, is taken out of their hands...
Sorry. NannyOgg, but your comment that op has to forego the present she might want in favour of one her dh wants encapsulates this perfectly.

DaisyFlowerChain · 22/11/2014 13:30

Flogging, completely agree. Adults are getting very self obsessed with the gifts they want or expect. I see any gift as an adult as a treat, yes it may not always be to my taste or liking but that's life.

The OPs parents may treat them the same but that doesn't mean the PIL have to copy. He is their son and always will be, any present you get as a DIL is a nice gesture. It would be very selfish to not let your DH accept a gift he wants as you may miss out.

rollonthesummer · 22/11/2014 13:38

If my son-when grown up-wanted a television that they couldn't afford but I could, but his wife wasn't bothered. I'd want to give it tohim! I don't think I'd be that impressed if she was miserable about it?!

effinandjeffin · 22/11/2014 14:01

Why are your pil obsessed with buying you a larger tv anyway? It seems to me that your dp must have been dropping hints perhaps, when you aren't there. In your shoes, I would've said no to the tv as Xmas present. No one needs a tv, large or otherwise, especially when you already have one and it's working fine. I would be pissed off that dh and pil were bulldozing me into accepting something I neither wanted now needed.

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2014 14:14

I would never buy my DiL a present she didn't want just so I could buy my son one that he did.

I treat them as individuals and buy accordingly (unless there is something they jointly want)

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2014 14:16

Sorry. NannyOgg, but your comment that op has to forego the present she might want in favour of one her dh wants encapsulates this perfectly.

Sorry, I should have said something she might like rather than want.

effinandjeffin · 22/11/2014 14:23

"Adults are getting very self obsessed with the gifts they want or expect. "

What, like the OP's DP?

"I see any gift as an adult as a treat, yes it may not always be to my taste or liking but that's life"

Meanwhile, the OP just has to suck it up, because it's a treat

Shockedmum75 · 22/11/2014 14:27

Thank goodness for flogging and daisy I thought I was going mad for a moment!
The only issue I can see is if the op really doesn't want a larger TV in the house for moral, cosmetic reasons, whatever. Then she needs to state her case with dp and come to a decision together, just as they would if buying it for themselves. If the only issue is that op currently can't afford one and thinks as a gift it is too extravagant then I think she should just smile and accept that pils want to do something nice for their son.

My mil bless her heart has TERRIBLE taste, but not for a second would I consider being anything less than gracious on receiving any gift. And if my children behaved in the way that some of the posters seems to think is ok, then they would be getting nothing at all. Genuinely shocked that so many think it is ok to dictate any gift Shock

Original poster
LokiBear · 22/11/2014 14:47

I don't think it is ok to dictate any gift. I said that in my op. I've been asked if I want this gift that dh wants as a joint present. I don't want it, but if I were to say that dh would be upset and so would his parents. I wish they had just given it to us as a joint gift on Christmas day, rather than say 'we know Loki doesn't want this, but DH does so, if Loki agrees to forgo a Christmas present from us we will buy it because dh wants it.' I can't say no and deny him something he wants and that they want to buy him. I wouldn't and I won't. We wouldn't have bought this for ourselves, despite it being on DH'S wish list because we don't need it. However, I would never tell pils or anyone else what they can and cant buy. I just don't like the fact that I have been put in a position where I can't say no. And, I've got to live with the bloody thing in my lounge.

OP posts:
Purplepixiedust · 22/11/2014 15:10

Oh for goodness sake. Your DH wants it, they want to buy it. It won't cost you anything. Accept gracefully.

Purplepixiedust · 22/11/2014 15:13

Ahh, so you just don't want a big telly. This is a separate issue.

Purplepixiedust · 22/11/2014 15:15

In which case you should discuss this with DH as though you were buying it and come to a decision. It is not about what you can afford or who is paying.

Floggingmolly · 22/11/2014 15:16

So if they accept that you don't want to "forgo a Christmas present from them"; nix the TV and buy you both a nice gifts from Boots instead, will honour have been satisfied???

Floggingmolly · 22/11/2014 15:16

That was meant to read "nice giftSet

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/11/2014 15:22

I just don't like the fact that I have been put in a position where I can't say no

Of course you can say no! Look 'NO' see - it's easy. I can't see how a grown man will be so distraught that he cannot go on just because he hasn't got a big telly. He's not 5!