To think that lots of people really do hate it when you treat them as they treat you?

[slinkyfiggy]

Especially people that pride themselves on saying it as it is and being honest with what they say?

An acquaintance that I see on regular nights out with a group of friends regularly offers unasked for advice, and is quite abrupt and direct with how she says things. I am talking about statements like "You're oversensitive", "You're being paranoid", that kind of thing. She always says how she calls a spade a spade, and how she is honest, as people like and admire honesty.

I have now apparently upset her as when we went out last weekend she asked for advice regarding her son's school reading (she thinks he is super-advanced). I said that I was sure the teachers at school would give him reading books appropriate to his level (he is year 1). Apparently I dismissed her and was abrupt (!!).

I have also come across people in the past who always make sarcastic jokes and comments but hate having the same done to them, and people that ignore texts but hate it if you don't reply to them instantly!

My MIL ( who is certainly someone who idealises her own life coumarin) has this wonderful little get out clause: if she prefixes something with "Well I don't mean to be rude, but..." it then gives her carte Blanche to be as rude as she likes, does't it?

Once she resurrected a long since settled disagreement of ours in front of her friends for no reason, so I defended myself and reminded her of her own v. unreasonable behaviour. She later berated me for talking to her like that in front of her friends, even though she had brought it up!

My MIL is like like your nana, IPoke she says things to my 17 year old daughter, who is then criticised and / or insulted if she gently disagrees. This even extends to opinions on neutral, detached things: current affairs, things in the news... if DD dares hold a different (and reasonable) opinion, she is rude, indisciplined and even "horrible".

I keep visits to a minimum.

I'm sorry to hear that Sheitgeist but at least you are sticking up for your daughter. My mum, wonderful as she was, was quite conditioned and controlled by her mum...i never felt that I would be supported in any way against unprovoked attacks [as i saw them], often on my appearance.

C'est la vie. To be fair, she gave a lot over the years that was good and she was an integral part of the family...and i mostly loved her....just such a shame that the brutal honesty was so hurtful and made me resent her so much in her last few years on earth. Just try and remind myself that her life wasnt all plain sailing, and there were probably reasons why she was the way she was.

Just find it sad that some of my abiding memories of her are the cruel words.

I did mean to add, IPoke that I'm sorry about how you've been left feeling about your nana... I hope you manage to let let those happier memories push through to the fore sometimes.
MIL was a great fun grandma to my children when they were young, too.

Thanks Sheitgeist - it is taking a lot of time and distance to be able to see it from a more dispassionate point of view. I think it was all a bit catastrophic for a long time....she had lost her daughter, but i dont think she could really see that i had lost my mum....and with all that grief, the relationship just disintegrated.

But there were good times. I know there were.

I was talking to somebody about this the other day. We both agreed that we can't stand it when people say they don't suffer fools gladly. She said that when people say this she mentally notes that they will be intolerant big mouths who'll upset people at the drop of a hat. My view completely.

As other people have said, I think such people are lacking in self awareness. I think they also have such an inflated idea of their own importance that they really do think what they tell somebody will actually be useful to them, ie. lose weight, dress differently, behave differently.

I have always found such people to be incredibly sensitive to anything negative said or done to them. They also always minimise the effect upon the person they insult. In my experience they are generally quite bitter and unhappy people. My assumption is that they behave in this way in order to make them feel better about their own lives. Very sad all round.

We both agreed that we can't stand it when people say they don't suffer fools gladly.

Yes. A million times yes. I would have thought it was obvious that this is the kind of expression that shouldn't be applied to one's own self? Your auntie or granny - fine.

It seems like people are characterizing themselves favorably in conversation with frequency these days. I blame Come Dine with Me.

I have a friend who likes to say, "You know me - I'm a mum." when explaining why she did some batty thing, like scream at one of her son's teachers.

I agree OP YANBU.

What I think it is, is people sometimes have part of themselves which they haven't accepted?

If you look at their lives a bit deeper often it is projection on their parts.

They have something they aren't dealing with or aren't self-aware or courageous enough to face and it spills over into their interaction with others.

"YOU'RE being oversensitive, you need to toughen up"

(they really mean "I can't deal with stuff like that myself, I want my friends to be stronger than me so they can look after ME.")

"SHE is fat etc etc why doesn't she lose some weight."

("I am fat or someone close to me is fat and I can't accept it, and I want to throw the spotlight off myself and my own self-loathing.")

"I think X, Y and Z about this issue, just calling a spade a shovel...this decision this person has made is WRONG....."

(often the person saying this has SO many issues which others around them are too tactful to mention and a generally shit, unenviable life. But they refuse to acknowledge this or deal with this)

If I'm insulted by 'straight talking', I just say an exaggerated 'Meow'. Let the other person know I think they are being chatty, even if their comment happens to be true.
Works on friends and family.

o pat me on the back, folks!

I managed to out do someone today!

they made a sarcastic comment about my hair (I was on way to hairdressers for a wash and blow dry)as it was really greasy, didn't ask her opinion, -Id just bumped into her in town,

anyway, I stared open mouthed at her brassiness, and she said she says it like it is and then ''well I call a spade a spade'' and yay, I actually found the brains to answer ''And I call a bitch a bitch''!

left HER open mouthed as I walked away with (greasy) head held high!!!!

Tardis,

Excellent response, I will remember that one.

Katie Hopkins uses the tag line "telling it like it is". I always wonder with Katie whether her severe epilepsy might have done a bit of damage to her frontal lobes. Brain damage secondary to epilepsy is rare but she does come across a bit frontal lobe impaired.

Tardis, you need to do this with your father.

'oh gosh ive got my dad coming over for xmas-invityed himself of course -and he ALWAYS makes comments on my weight(Im a size 14 but a bit flabby as Im disabled and cant do certain exercixes).

he says im fat. always fat fat afat (I had anorexia as a teen because of his constant harping, and as a teen I was a size 8 BEFORE the anx).

anyway, his body is literally Jabba the Hut.

try telling HIM that, I did once as a retort and he didn't talk to me for iover a YEAR!

hate people like this. hes NEVER wrong, and everyones got faults except him.'

Disinvite him. 'Why?' 'Because you're rude and hurtful to people. I don't care to listen to you insult me.'

He doesn't talk to you, honestly, good, he's toxic.

AnyoneForTardis I love your response, I'm storing it for future use.

I shocked myself as im not confrontational at all!

must have been the backing of mumsnet and this thread that spurred me on .

lego

I will find the courage to say that too!

Oh well done Tardis! The number of times a response like that has come to me several hours too late - but you managed it perfectly!

I knew lots of people like this when I was growing up.

I was told I was fat, rude, spotty. If I cried I was being oversensitive.

As a teen i compensated by being bolshy myself and rude and 'honest'. Then my df died. He never said a bad word about anyone in his life but was berated too throughout his life. His death and the breakdown of my first marriage has humbled me. I no longer offer unsolicitated advice and challenge those family members who still bully me. I matured in my late twenties. It makes me sad to see people st the end of their lives who feel its too late to change, who'd rather look at other peoples faults than their own.

This is a great thread, op. Very helpful.

YANBU.

I know someone who starts every sentence with "I'm not being funny but..."

I always think, no love, you're not being funny, just nasty and rude.

Does no one know people who can take it as well as dish it out? No one has ever met anyone like that?

I have a fair few friends who can both "dish it" and "take it", they love a good spar!

Thank goodness, Sophia! I was beginning to think that particular breed no longer existed.