To think that lots of people really do hate it when you treat them as they treat you?

[slinkyfiggy]

Especially people that pride themselves on saying it as it is and being honest with what they say?

An acquaintance that I see on regular nights out with a group of friends regularly offers unasked for advice, and is quite abrupt and direct with how she says things. I am talking about statements like "You're oversensitive", "You're being paranoid", that kind of thing. She always says how she calls a spade a spade, and how she is honest, as people like and admire honesty.

I have now apparently upset her as when we went out last weekend she asked for advice regarding her son's school reading (she thinks he is super-advanced). I said that I was sure the teachers at school would give him reading books appropriate to his level (he is year 1). Apparently I dismissed her and was abrupt (!!).

I have also come across people in the past who always make sarcastic jokes and comments but hate having the same done to them, and people that ignore texts but hate it if you don't reply to them instantly!

I've known so many people like this over the years. They confuse their narrow-minded projected opinion with "truth" and "honesty", they also say things like "I say what everybody else is thinking". I got one back on a colleague for continually saying this by telling her "funny how you've never said what I'M thinking...which is that you're a loud-mouthed malcontent with no manners or social skills, your mind-reading is a bit off message today" Needless to say she burst into tears and stormed out of the room. A classic "dish it out but can't take it".

I like your style MrsM although sorry you've had to go through that with your Mother obviously. I bet it feels like a weight's been these days.

I have started to disconnect with one of the people who do this but still felt it could be me iyswim. Not anymore.

*weights been lifted

With my parents I started out politely explaining that they were emotionally invalidating me and this was unacceptable. Dialectical behaviour therapy teaches that all emotions are correct and valid and I explained that to them. The response I got was "you are not a fucking psychotherapist so you can quit that psycho-babble". I carried on, trying to keep my cool and explain it was not acceptable, and then the threats of violence started. When I fed all this back to psychotherapist she asked me if I felt parents were 1. capable of changing and 2. damaging. When I replied "no, they are toxic and will not change" she asked me how many times I was prepared to hit my head on a brick wall before I learnt from it. I took that as her politely suggesting I went nc, so that is what I did in the end. 3 years after going nc I got discharged from psychiatric OP as I made a full recovery. That is how damaging this behaviour can be when it is done long term. I pity this woman's son. Her estimation of him will probably swing between idealization and devaluation which could damage him if he is psychologically vulnerable.

Superiority works every time. The person is trying to make you be/feel inferior. I have a family full of these emotional invalidating bastards.

Pretend that you are superior to them, whether you feel that way or not, channel your inner Helen Mirren.

Do not engage with the comment. Raise an eyebrow or roll your eyes..
Leave a silence hanging in the air for a moment as you wonder to yourself "what did s/he hope to get out of that comment?"

To break the silence, say "If you say so" completely flatly and dismissively.

Followed by a total change of subject in a perky tone, e.g. "Who wants a cup of tea?" "Lovely weather" "Do you think we'll have snow this year?" "Oh, look! A squirrel!"

e.g. "your clothes look cheap" " If you say so. There's a red car! You don't see so many of them these days do you?""

Proper toxic people cannot abide a target failing to engage.

It can be really funny if they escalate into proper ludicrous territory in an attempt to goad a reaction out of you, as long as you persistently fail to react.

A normal person who misjudged a comment (don't we all sometimes) will take no offence at your flat reaction, so you are safe to use this technique on everyone who makes snippy comments at you.

Do the tits people who do this often idealise their own lives then?

The people I'm talking about definitely do that too. Everything they achieve is exaggerated and what they do or have is The Best when actually if you dig a little deeper it really isn't.

Baffles me what the connection is though.

Thelittleone I've tried that and been told 'I think I'm better than everyone else.' Which couldn't be less true. Maybe I overdid the withering look

I had a friend like this too, full of 'sugar-coated insults'. She thought it was cute to advise me and everyone how to live their lives. She was a sanctimonious hypocrite but everyone who knew her was too scared to address or contradict her.

Sophia, that's what my former friend was like: she saw it as her role to deliver the 'truth'. If I pulled her up she'd laugh and say 'they appreciate my frankness'

Truth be told, they hated her.

"Thelittleone I've tried that and been told 'I think I'm better than everyone else.' Which couldn't be less true. Maybe I overdid the withering look"

No, that's them doing "the pot calling the kettle black", combined with tall poppy syndrome. THEY think they're better than everyone else, but how dare YOU attempt to be up there with them, so they try to chop you off at the knees to "cut you down to size" again.

Ooh that makes perfect sense Thumb I can think of many other occasions and snide comments that would fit.

oh gosh ive got my dad coming over for xmas-invityed himself of course -and he ALWAYS makes comments on my weight(Im a size 14 but a bit flabby as Im disabled and cant do certain exercixes).

he says im fat. always fat fat afat (I had anorexia as a teen because of his constant harping, and as a teen I was a size 8 BEFORE the anx).

anyway, his body is literally Jabba the Hut.

try telling HIM that, I did once as a retort and he didn't talk to me for iover a YEAR!

hate people like this. hes NEVER wrong, and everyones got faults except him.

I hate it when people are hypocritical and try to dictate to you about how to behave. They usually make out that they have extreme circumstances and that it's ok for them to feel that way but that you shouldn't.

I once had a so-called friend who had fallen out with loads of people over the years telling me I shouldn't hold grudges as I refused to have anything further to do with a mutual friend who had been awful to me. I dumped the santimonious friend too after that little comment!

I think I've got my kids out of saying "no offence, but..."

It's not a get out of jail free card. If something's offensive it's offensive.

Skimmed thread but this is my mum to a tee.

Her stock answer to just about anything you tell her is 'oh never mind'.

''DH's head fell clean off this morning mum''
''oh never mind ... did i tell you about the postman's sons cat's operation?''

However - everyone is expected to sit though her excruciatingly detailed tales about nothing much to do with people we don't even know. Or sometimes haven't even heard of!

TheLittleOne 'inner Helen Mirren' Great idea and fun to say.

All of this is really ringing true. It's really opened my eyes, so thanks for starting the thread Slinky

You're quite right OP.
I worked with a woman like this.
What's really interesting that I never realised before is that when people say 'I tell it how it is' (something she would say frequently) what they mean is the BAD stuff. I have yet to meet a person who:

1. Says 'I say it how it is'
2. Says the good, complimentary stuff how it is as well as the bad. You never see people like this saying 'You know, you look great today. And I tell it how it is' As far as I can tell it's used as a cover up to say whatever the insulting, misguided things they want under the guise of 'Honesty' Bullshit.

I remember reading an article, years ago, by the late Maeve Binchy, in which she said that it's strange how people who say 'I speak as I find' never find something nice to say. It really struck a chord with me.
It's used by such people as an excuse to be really rude and hurtful, towards others but their own feelings are so special, they get easily hurt...

Totally agree OP, I've known and still do know people who certainly don't like when you treat them as they treat you.

I am loving this thread.

Always hated 'I speak as I find'

I remember a toxic friend who started "telling it how it is" to me. It was a tirade of abuse about my unborn kid, and everything really. I ended up saying fuck off. And I got the "oooh you're showing your true colours now... Arnt we" line.
I hate that old chestnut. If you defend your self, you're a bad person, you're supposed to take the abuse!

My mother, she is quite direct, rude and and insulting at times to me. But if I give her the same, she gets all tearful and upset. Dear, if you can't take it, don't dish it out!

It's a lack of self-awareness.

How many times have you heard it? People who like to characterize themselves. "You know me, I am just the kind of person who says it like it is. You know where you stand with me."

They probably daydream about how much others admire their honestly.

I used to work with someone like this - she was rather fond of offering up a few "home truths" to people who pissed her off, but got really upset if anyone offered any back to her. And even more so if people pointed out that she shouldn't give it if she can't take it!

I do know someone who says it like it is, good and bad. If you ask him how you look, he may tell you 'You look fat in that'... Equally there's been many times when he's said 'You look beautiful today', without prompting.

I hate people who dish it out but can't take it. I'm very 'what you see is what you get' and even I think people who 'call a spade a spade' are just trying to excuse rudeness. There's a difference between wearing your heart on your sleeve and setting out to deliberately hurt someone.

I am so glad to read other people's experiences of this.

My nana was a "speak as i see it" sort - could give it but couldn't take it. She had my mum so well trained that once i was old enough to answer back/defend myself from her rude, hurtful comments, my mum [her only daughter] would berate me for MY rudeness and for answering back, laying it on thick that i had hurt nana's feelings.

It is sad....when i was little she was a great nana and so much fun...but once i formed opinions of my own/tried to assert any independence, i was often condemned for being rude and cheeky. Apparently.

Nana gone 3 years now, mum dead 10 years...I have some compassion for the fact that my nana lost her only child and it contributed to her becoming increasingly bitter as she lost her health and independence...but unfortunately i remember a lot of the "blunt" comments i was on the receiving end of, and i can't grieve for her. Dont even miss her. Very sad about that....if that makes sense?