to be cross after this phone call from school about DS's 'odd' behaviour?

[Mozzereena]

My son is 5 and in year 1 at primary school. His teacher is concerned with the fact that he is very, very shy and reserved, doesn't interact much in groups, daydreams, hardly speaks to anyone, and gets fixated on things. She first raised this issue with myself and DH at the last parents evening a few weeks ago. We both laughed it off at the time and assured her that we are not at all worried about our son, as he is very much the way that we were as children. We know he is a very happy boy both at school and at home. I thought that would be the end of her worries about him.
We put his new teacher's reaction to our son's personality down to her lack of experience. He has been through nursery and reception year with no problems. His teachers have always commented on his shyness, good behaviour and good learning with no problems.
I have just had a phone call from one of the teachers school. She taught my son in reception.
She told me that my son's new teacher has asked her to speak to me regarding her concerns my son's 'odd' behaviour at school.
They are recommending that he is seen by SENCO
I have told her that my son is completely normal and happy, he is learning lots and that his new teacher is overreacting.
I have refused this intervention as I feel it is inappropriate.
I am so cross that I'm actually shaking now. I have a feeling this won't be the end of it. I wonder what she thinks is going on with him at home? I'm going to talk to DH tonight.
I don't know what we are going to do next.
Has anyone else had any experience of this? Please help!

Totally agree with you PoirotsMoustache, people now always seem to think that any SEN automatically means ASD.

I'm glad you have decided to speak with the school and hear them out. I have 2 of my 3 dc in school and both have extra support. Dd does have sn so has hers for obvious reasons. Ds1 is neurotypical and has had a little extra support because he is extremely shy. Has been since he was a baby. When the school offered him Lego club and a little bit of 1to 1 in group settings I was grateful they had found some space in stretched resources to help him a bit.
The school are not pointing out sn nobody has said that yet but they have seen that he is struggling with some of the aspects of school and want to support him.
Good on them I say. Sounds like an on the ball teacher that wants to help while school is still fun for your ds before it becomes an unhappy place for him.
Ds2 will not need intervention I don't imagine except maybe a gag. He got enough confidence for both boys but I have seen ds1 become anxious off the back of his shyness it's good to see his confidence growing.

I'm cross on your (and ds's) behalf that she used the word odd I think she could have worded it better. I am glad you are open to input now.

I would have said exactly the same as you about my son, that he's like me as a child etc etc. he is having some speech difficulties which is delaying his reading, finding it hard to pick it up. He was assessed just the other week and was found to have very high IQ but they do think there is an extremely mild form of autism there, so he's going to get extra help now. Socially he's not good in the class but fine in the playground. I'm still sceptical myself of everything they say. I guess it's no harm for investigation even a little, you might be kicking yourself later if you don't.

When my daughter was in nursery, I was taken aside by a staff member and told they wished to contact her HV to come and observe my dd. Apparently this arose from a visiting social worker commenting on my daughter's behaviour and suggested she may have a developmental problem. I was horrified, to me it was there fault for expecting too much of her, how dare they suggest she has behavioural problems? They said her behaviour was immature, that she lacked social skills and that her concentration was dreadful. I said she is only 3, give her a chance. I cried during the conversation, was very angry with them and didn't want to send her back there (in my defence, I was 8 months pregnant lol). I rang her HV who said she has no concerns about dd, but did the observation, and again had no concerns. There: I was right. I was smug, and felt the staff were being ridiculous.

Dd left there and started school. P1-P3 - no problems according to school (plenty of problems at home). P4 - BAM. Major problems. I had to push and push and push for assessments, the current teacher was on my side but her previous teachers said she was just 'immature'. She is now sitting with a diagnosis of ADHD with ASD traits, receives remedial support in school and really has a lot of difficulties.

Oh how I wished I had listened to those nursery staff, instead of being outraged with them!!!!!!!!

Not suggesting this will be the case with you - but please don't sit in denial if people think there may be a problem. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. But be assured that it is very difficult to get a diagnosis - they will soon say if they don't feel there is an issue. They don't have the resources to initiate support for children that don't desperately need it - many need it but can't get it. Don't be offended - it isn't an insult. They are trying to help him reach his full potential.

Be reassured that the school SENCO be doing any diagnosing, and can't do that. The SENCO can help any child make the best of themselves in school - from having a conversation with you about how the teacher or play supervisor might help to facilitate friendships, or watch that your child doesn't get left out though lack of confidence - right through to referring you to assessment for SN. Its not like it was when we were kids. I was shy and I think they thought I wanted it that way.

From the perspective of a parent of someone with SN the view from a conversation to any kind of diagnosis is a long one. I'm pretty confident that it would be very unlikely indeed for a child to reach a point of being diagnosed with SN without having SN, and usually parents are the ones driving assessment. They wouldn't do anything at all without chatting to you - even asking an Ed Psyche to chat to DS requires your permission.

A diagnosis is a shock.
Even with all my difficulties, Ive always been independent.

At first my diagnosis (even though I knew deep down I had Aspergers) was a bit of a smack in the teeth "What I'm disabled?" "Am I really human?" etc

It takes time to re-frame your world for sure.

Now (after a month or so) I feel much more positive. Acceptance takes time.

What I feel passionate about now is that children get the support they need to play to their strengths.

I am also passionate about people being more aware, understanding and accepting of children and adults with differences/special needs.

I think I can understand the OP's concerns. There seems to be a tendency to label any behavior that falls at the end of the normal curve these days.

Shy or introverted = Asperger/Autism. Too chatty or very physically active = ADD. Clumsy = dyspraxia. etc.

I feel there is a push to label and medicate many. Part of the problem of course is that schools do not have the resources to support 'normal' children that fall slightly outside of 'average' and the only way to get the support funded is to get a 'diagnosis'.

The cynic in me feels that the problem with SENCO and the like is they are there to find problems and if you are looking for certain traits or problems in a child then you are more likely to find them.

If you feel DC is fine then I would not be nagged into getting an assessment you do not want.

Brainymess is spot on in her post on page 2.

Also, many a parent hasn't realised till they had a child with certain difficulties, or their child got a diagnosis, that they themselves would also fit the criteria for one.

My friend is in this situation, she has a 21 year old daughter with HFA, and its only now that she and her husband are approaching 60 that she's said to me - I think DH is on the spectrum. Personally I think they both are.

eyebags I actually thought like you.

Seriously I thought a lot of these new diagnosis were a way of cheap labeling, the foundation of a new industry with non jobs for fake therapists to treat these fake/imagined conditions and an easy way to access benefits.

Seriously I did.

I was dead wrong.

Ive been labelled various things throughout my adult life.

The first name I was called at school was Brainy Mess.
To this day I can remember the twisted face of the girls shouting at me
"Your such a brainy mess"

Forward 30 years to a neighbour shouting at me "Your bloody weird, mental, you should be sectioned. No one around here likes you"

It was something about the venom in the neighbours attack that got me thinking and researching. "Whats wrong with me? Why does this keep happening?"

When I found how the presentation on Aspergers was markedly different to that of boys, I found myself :(

Now I am convinced that there have always been many many people with Aspergers/ASD who were left to rot/sink or swim.

The prevalence of ASD has not gone up at all, but now at last there's recognition and help that was never there before.

Todays children must not be failed like the children of past.

The numbers will keep rising.

BrainyMess
One of the reasons I am so cynical is because I have labels myself and I'm not convinced being labelled sorry, diagnosed, helped at all.

I feel the problem is the system doesn't treat children as individual and has rigid standards that have to be met - anyone who doesn't/can't meet those standards is deemed to have a problem, when in reality the problem is the system itself.

I don't disagree that support should be put in place, my main issue is that support should be there for every child, not just those deemed to fit some arbitrary diagnostic criteria. I also feel the labels can be stigmatizing and not beneficial in the long run.

Your son sounds like he could be an introvert? Nothing wrong with that, and certainly no need for interventions, just an awareness and understanding of how he ticks.

Indeed Rustic, but there is no harm in the SENCO finding out more about how he ticks to make sure the teachers are indeed taking it into account. And Eyebags, a SENCO cannot diagnose or indeed label anyone with anything (that has to be a paediatrician) but they can look at the child holistically and make suggestions on ways to help them learn, which is what you want, no?

It all leads back to the same place, there is no harm in letting someone watch your child at school, and see if there is a better way to help them learn.

as a secondary teacher I have witnessed many times student's who need support and don't receive it as their parents flatly refused to address any issues also students whose primary school did not flag up any concerns which has then taken use time to sort out and has meant that the student has lost years of education because their needs have not been met/supported.

Please make the most of this teacher's concerns; if there is nothing to warrant support then all is well, but its far better to know sooner rather than later and for you as parents to accept that support might be needed

Working with the senco doesn't mean that someone is going to be labelled, it doesn't mean they are going to always struggle. It just means at that point in time they need additional support with some things be that educationally or socially. A child being painfully shy in school can hold them back and so it's great if a school is proactive enough to work to help improve the child's confidence so they are willing to speak in school.

Sometimes people seem to see extra support as a bad thing somehow when actually it's a good thing that needs have been identified and work being done to help them.

Eyebags, thats all well and good but the reality is that the majority of people would not think as you do.

Ive come across so many people over the years who felt nothing but relief when their children had a diagnosis, or at the very least their children's difficulties were acknowledged. Ive also come across many parents who were relieved to go on to a diagnosis after their child got one.

Personally I have one 23 year old son who is severely autistic, and another one who's 32 and dyslexic, he also has CAPD. My granddaughter is 9 and dyslexic, she also has CAPD as well as sensory issues. And funny enough my son who is severely autistic has neither CAPD or Dyslexia but both are co-morbids if ASD.

Im glad we eventually knew enough about whats what to be aware there really was something going on with my 32 year old, and subsequently my granddaughter who's my daughters eldest child.

We've been able to put things in place for them and though their difficulties may seem not so great in the grand scheme of things and they are 'just' individuals, the reality is that for them knowing whats going on has been the best thing.

Cricketballs - spot on!

"Has anyone else had any experience of this?"

Yes - with my bright, extremely "normal" DS, at about that age. They recommended he had speech therapy. And yes, I took it personally, clearly it meant they thought I couldn't even teach my own child to talk properly!

But I calmed down, I took him to speech therapy, he had a lovely time playing with the therapist for half an hour at a time, she discussed with me the techniques she was using to encourage him to speak better, and it was a completely positive experience.

I honestly recommend you ring up the teacher and say you've reconsidered and would like the SENCO to assess him. It's not a judgement on your parenting. It really isn't.

In defense of 'odd', it merely means different from what is usual or expected. It can certainly be used as a pejorative term but in this case it's a better choice than many of its synonyms.

Don't fret; Einstein was odd. Vivienne Westwood is odd. Da Vinci was very odd indeed. Even someone like Jessica Ennis must have been considered odd at some point. Emily Dickinson? Odd.

Odd is no bad thing. They simply are seeing things they might be able to help with, and offering support. Best of luck to you and your sweet-sounding, daydreaming son.

Pictish's first post on this thread chimed with me.

When my eldest daughter was still at primary school (think it was year 4) I was approached by her class teacher who suggested she might need an eye test. She has no learning difficulties, but her handwriting had always been shocking and she now seemed to be struggling to see the interactive whiteboard at the front of the classroom. I took her to the optician and sat in the same room while she had the test. I was horrified at how she struggled and hardly needed the optometrist to tell me she was short-sighted.

Sometimes as parents we are too close to spot things, or perhaps to us the change has been gradual and less noticeable. In my daughter's case her sight had tested as within normal range a couple of years earlier, and she hadn't shown any obvious signs of a problem at home. I had just thought she was being sloppy with the handwriting issue. I was wrong. She couldn't see it well enough so how could it be expected to improve? It did once she had her glasses though. That teacher did her a favour by picking up on something sooner than I would have.

It is good that you have now relaxed about the idea of the SENCO. The school are not trying to imply criticism of you or your husband. They are trying to help your son and to see if he can be helped to integrate better.

I know how you feel op. My son is 7 and he has a hearing problem, he has 2 hearing aids and sometimes a special teacher comes to see him to make sure he's getting the right help at school.
He went through reception and year 1 with no problems and then his new teacher started saying to the teacher for the deaf that she had concerns about him not playing with the other children, in a world of his own, head in the clouds and I was very upset by this as nothing had been said before, he has a younger brother who he plays with at home. I was mostly hurt because I felt like they were looking for things that I felt were not there.
He does have some issues with not always finishing his work and yes he doesn't play with the other children but I was the same at school.
Nothing more was said or done and his school report was very positive. Its very hard when people say anything negative about our babies

We put his new teacher's reaction to our son's personality down to her lack of experience
How arrogant! she has a darn sight more experience with 5 yr olds than you!!

People would look at my 25 year old, she's a teacher, and assume she had very little experience of much let alone special needs but the reality is she's been immersed in special needs all of her life due to her brother and other members of the family who have similar needs to him. Far from not being experienced its actually the opposite, she has an eye for it, and maybe the teacher in the OP does also. It doesnt even have to be an eye for ASD, its just an eye people can have for there being more to something.

If he has additional needs, senco won't change that and may give him the support her needs to have a successful schooling. If he doesn't, senco won't change that either. The worst that can happen is that if he comes up as needing additional support, he'll get it. If he doesn't, then no harm done.