to be cross after this phone call from school about DS's 'odd' behaviour?

[Mozzereena]

My son is 5 and in year 1 at primary school. His teacher is concerned with the fact that he is very, very shy and reserved, doesn't interact much in groups, daydreams, hardly speaks to anyone, and gets fixated on things. She first raised this issue with myself and DH at the last parents evening a few weeks ago. We both laughed it off at the time and assured her that we are not at all worried about our son, as he is very much the way that we were as children. We know he is a very happy boy both at school and at home. I thought that would be the end of her worries about him.
We put his new teacher's reaction to our son's personality down to her lack of experience. He has been through nursery and reception year with no problems. His teachers have always commented on his shyness, good behaviour and good learning with no problems.
I have just had a phone call from one of the teachers school. She taught my son in reception.
She told me that my son's new teacher has asked her to speak to me regarding her concerns my son's 'odd' behaviour at school.
They are recommending that he is seen by SENCO
I have told her that my son is completely normal and happy, he is learning lots and that his new teacher is overreacting.
I have refused this intervention as I feel it is inappropriate.
I am so cross that I'm actually shaking now. I have a feeling this won't be the end of it. I wonder what she thinks is going on with him at home? I'm going to talk to DH tonight.
I don't know what we are going to do next.
Has anyone else had any experience of this? Please help!

It's great that reading these replies has made you think about having a more open mind. You already know your son is happy and learning well, so anything else the school can do to help him reach his full potential is even better, and exactly what they should be doing.

Maybe you laughing it off at parent teacher night indicated to the teacher that you had no interest in trying to increase the levels of confidence in your son so that he interacts more in group work and day dreams less.

I would have found it rather dismissive if a concern of mine (valid or not) had been laughed off.

Instead maybe at that stage you could have asked whether there were children he did feel comfortable with and if so, maybe you could work with the teacher on involving your son with those children.

While there is of course nothing wrong with being shy and introvert, the school environment does require a level of socialisation that your son doesn't have. It's probably not great for him really and I don't know why you are not more willing to accept the support that has been offered you.

Also - my youngest is 5 and in p1 (reception). She's a shy pie. As time winds on she is relaxing more and more in the company of teachers and other kids. I am so proud of her progress. If she had stayed as introspective as she started out I would be worried. I would look for additional support for her.

Please do keep an open mind and see the teachers concern as a positive thing. She won't have contacted you for fun - having a child assessed by a senco and possibly given follow up intervention and help is expensive and time consuming so they wouldn't be considering it if they didn't think there was a reason. And if everything is fine and your child is 'just' quiet then at least they've crossed off anything that would benefit from early intervention. I'd be delighted the teachers cared enough and had to facilities to help if needed. The amount of time parents can spend desperately trying to get help is enormous, sounds like you're one of the lucky ones either way.

glad you are going in with a positive view. My DS is 5 and ASD. He is also happy at school and learning, but he DOES have additional needs. We'd suspected it since he was about 2 and were relieved when childcare professionals who see hundreds of kids spoke to us about it and started the process.

There is nothing wrong with having an introverted personality. My dd and dh both do.
But if he prefers to be alone, and doesn't want to partake in group activities...he's going to struggle. A lot of early learning is group work.

Additional support can only be a good thing. You have made the right decision. x

I'm glad you're feeling calmer, Mozzareena.

For what it's worth, I think you've reacted in a perfectly normal way. Like I say, I was the driving force in getting help for my son, and I still react with upset and sometimes tears when people talk to me about what's going on. It's visceral - you are facing the fact that your child may not be as happy as he could be or as able to cope as he could be. It's horrible and hard to hear. When I talk to people about DS's problems, I find myself littering the conversation with 'he's a lovely boy'. He is - I just feel so awful for discussing the hard stuff. Disloyal if you like. It's hard, but it's also really necessary - school is still stretching way ahead of him, and as hard as it is, I'd hate myself if I made him face all those years without doing my utmost to help him through them.

But, like other people have said, the SENCO will be focussed on your son and helping him. My DS is undergoing an Autism assessment at the moment. Outside of that, the school and giving him help with social interactions, anxiety, keeping a really close eye on what's happening with his friends, giving him a lot of support to help him feel better about himself. None of those things are reliant on him having an ASD. They're just the school trying to help him feel comfortable. If he does have an ASD, then they'll have a freer rein to offer more support, so we're going for it with that too, but even without it, they just want him to be happy.

My DH and I were not remotely worried about our son either, but didn't mind when reception staff referred him to the SENCO. Tests and assessments were done... they concluded that he was lazy! Had anything else shown up though, I'd have been pleased at the early intervention.

On the flip side, A Y2 child I taught recently clearly had an undiagnosed condition, yet his parents were in denial and refused the opportunity to have him properly assessed at a specialist clinic.

Please accept that your son's teacher is trying to help not condemn your son, and has done the right thing by acting on her concerns; if it leads to nothing, no harm done.

I had a similar experience with DS when he started P1. He had the opposite personality to you son- he wouldn't stop talking! It was badly mishandled by the school. For example, he started being put into isolation in the library for half an hour at a time and had to sit and stare at the table. He changed from being a talkative but happy child to a talkative but highly stressed child. The Head of Juniors was convinced he had ADHD and kept on at us about taking him to the GP to see if they would recommend medication.

Finally they arranged for him to be assessed by the Educational Psychologist. We agreed to it, being fairly certain that he didn't have ADHD. The Educational Psychologist observed him for the day and concluded that he didn't have any primary problems, but the way the school was dealing with his talkativeness has resulted in a host of secondary problems.

The school's response was to say that often children are often aware that they are being observed and modify their behaviour in front of the Educational Psychologist and ignored the report. We then kicked up a stink and raised a formal complaint. All was eventually resolved following that complaint but it was a terrible time for all involved and suffice to say, we moved our son out of that school as soon as we could.

So- all of that to say, do let your child be assessed. They may well come out with some excellent suggestions for you.

I was the exact same when I was his age, my nursery/school reports all said the same things and I never grew out of it. I'm an introvert, I like my own company and my own thoughts, I only have a small handful of close friends and I don't think I'm that odd.

I can get quite fixated on things but I do have OCD, which I have had professional help with.

My DS1 (now in Y5 and turning 10 next week) never wanted to play with others at preschool or through Reception/Y1, simply because he was always perfectly happy with his own company and had a very clear idea of what he wanted to do and how he wanted to do it. He even hated it when I tried to play cars with him! He was, and still is, a dreamer and a serial obsessive (since he was 18 months we have had: fire engines, planes, Beast Quest, recorder and football - at the time it's all he will draw/write/think/talk about).

We also had the calls from preschool and school about his behaviour, which took us by surprise initially. He's just DS1, we thought, that's just the way he is. We didn't think to compare him to others - they're all different anyway, aren't they? Thing is, we found that as he got older (and when two younger siblings came along) his 'differences' became more marked. What we saw as his personality traits really did start to affect his learning, and his increasing frustration began to manifest itself in anxiety, low self-esteem and meltdowns.

Please don't worry that anyone will be judging you or making assumptions about your home life. In answer to your OP: no, I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel cross. DH and I have experienced at various stages denial, anger, despair, frustration and a recurring need to defend and protect DS1, but in our (admittedly limited) experience we've felt that the aim of both schools he's attended has been to work with us, not against us. I'm sure any suggestions from your son's school are being made only with the best of intentions - the desire to work out what makes him tick, to help him integrate socially and to maximise his learning potential. (I sincerely hope they didn't actually use the word 'odd' about his behaviour, though, because I don't think you WBU to object to that!)

Remember, you know your son better than anyone, and your voice DOES count! Good luck.

PS If it helps at all, I remember that when DS1 was observed by the SENCO in Y1 that's pretty much all it was - just discreet observation during class time and playtime and a few gentle questions - he wasn't grilled or tested or anything, and he was pretty much oblivious to it himself. (I, on the other hand, cried in the meeting beforehand .)

OP I understand how you feel. When my dd1 was in nursery her teacher asked me to come in as he had a few concerns over her behaviour and actions. I took my mum with me to the meeting and I really wish I hadn't. She convinced me that he didn't know what he was talking about he was criticising my parenting rather than being concerned that dd1 may have some special needs.

I really wish I had listened to her teacher and agreed to more investigation instead of listening to my mother. As a result it took until my dd was nearly 9 before she was diagnosed with both Autism and Dyslexia. My life, my dd's life and the school's teaching of my dd would have been a hell of a lot easier if I'd listed to her nursery teacher and possibly got an earlier diagnosis. Rather than listening to my mother's rantings especially when she didn't have a bloody clue.

OP let your DS see the SENCO. The SENCO is only another teacher at the school who is trained in special educational needs. They are there to help both you and your DS. It can only make your DS's life a little easier if nothing else. The SENCO at my dd1's primary school was an absolute star and she went out of her way to help dd in so many ways.

Doesn't react much in groups and hardly speaks to anyone

Even if that is just down to shyness (and if it is, he can still be giving coping strategies), why would you "laugh off" their concerns?
That is concerning. It would concern most people.

Also meant to add, there's nothing 'wrong' with being different - different is worth celebrating! I'm sure your son's teacher will find ways to build on his skills and strengths as well as offering extra support wherever and whenever he needs it.

My (local equivalent to) hv stunned me a year ago by suggesting my perfect but shy dd (3.5) had behavioural and developmental issues. I tried to reassure her that I had been just like that As a child but it didn't sway her.
Anyway, i was livid and devastated and I went for a second opinion and they said she was just fine.

The second opinion was wrong.

My dd has high functioning autism. Which can "mask" really well.
Fortunately I did a lot of research between the two appointments and was starting to put two and two together by the 2nd one, and walked out just thinking well, that was a waste of time.
I went private for full asd assessment to "put my mind at rest" and they all said asd... Even though not one of my friends or even my dp agreed. He does now tho.

She is wonderful: happy, polite, well mannered and cuddly. Great eye contact at home.
However, she can't interact in groups at all, daydreams (spaces out) and has slightly peculiar speech patterns when we can entice her to speak , which isn't all that often. No eye contact outside the home apparently.

I didn't think we had restrictive/repetitive behaviour but in hindsight It's tiny things like having the exact same size toothpaste every time. Cushions have to face right way. Watch tv programs in specific order. Must have an apple In the car. None of them seem significant but when you write them all down together and realise the lengths you go to to avoid conflict.......

We don't get the huge meltdowns that everyone thinks are a given for asd, we get shutdowns. She'll just lie down(the old stop and drop) and not move if the toothpaste is wrong, or if she's tired and the xyz is facing the wrong way. Doesn't talk AT ALL when tired or stressed. Except for the word quack or bum.

Your ds sounds like my dd. So, get it checked out. To put your mind at rest. Then you know you've done the best for your child.

I don't want to change dd, she's a delight, ( how many kids do you know that prefer tidying up to tipping toys out - we are always shell shocked when other kids come to visit, the noise, the mess) but I do want to make sure that if SHE decides she WANTS to have friends she can, and if she WANTS to converse she can. So we'll do the speech and OT and we'll learn as much as we can to make that WE understand HER and can support her learning style.

As an added note, she's only 4 and although we haven't told her "you have autism" cos she's just not ready yet, we have talked about how she thinks a little differently, ..... Just like mummy and daddy do.

are you both introverts? I have come across a few people who think that introversion is a problem that needs to be fixed. mainly arrogant extroverts. (not all of them, just the occasional one)

My ds is totally "normal and happy" but he still needs extra help in school, and we see the SENCO about his iep etc.

I think it is great that the school have raised these concerns now rather than letting it go but I get why you are upset.

My ds is one of 5 children and when all of this started I spent weeks close to tears trying to think what I did differently with him as the others have no special needs. I was (I am sad to say now) ashamed that he was struggling. Over time though and especially because of the fab help the school have given I have realised that I havent done anything wrong and neither has ds, its just how he is and tbh since that first meeting he has improved a lot. He couldnt write his name when he was in year 1 and now in year 3 he can write little stories and sentences.

Mozze - it's really good news that you're a little more on board with this. I wanted to share a story of my own DS with you.

I was approached by my DS's nursery about his behaviour/communication/speech issues when he was 3 and although this then started a massive cycle of interviews, paediatrician(as an autistic spectrum condition was suspected), SALT etc appointments eventually he was diagnosed with a speech problem related to a difficulty understanding language and also in making himself understood. It was an interesting time for us to say the least. To be honest though, knowing what the issue was meant that we dealt with it and still continue to do so. My DS is now 14 and has had learning support in some form since 4yrs old. Whenever we thought that he might not need it, 6 months later his results (and then confidence) at school would have dropped again and hence we've kept at it. He's now doing well at an academic school, has friends, has confidence and is behaving more like a typical teenager than we could have ever hoped! (given the shy, sensitive, uncommunicative little chap that he was) I'm still amazed when I look back at camcorder video of my DS at 3 as the difference is incredible.

Your DS may just be a shy little lad, but at least you'll know if there is anything which would benefit from some intervention and that will be of benefit to your DS in the long run.

My brother reacted similarly when nursery suggested his dd might need to see somebody for an assessment.

It was years ago now and my brother can talk in hindsight about why he was shaking with anger and so affronted. He was shocked, frightened, offended. Offended because it seemed like an accusation, like somebody else could read something in his child that he couldn't. Like maybe, just maybe somebody was saying his daughter wasn't good enough or didn't fit a profile or they'd failed as parents. His dd was just introverted and shy and didn't like groups. She was a fantastic learner and very happy. What was the problem? He couldn't quite confront it. There wasn't a problem because her autism isn't a problem per se. It's an aspect of who she is that he wasn't ready to address.

It might be nothing; it might be something. Well done on changing your mind on the initial meeting. You've responded with good grace. Sometimes AIBU doesn't allow that. Hope it all goes smoothly and you feel calmer.

OP I think deep down you know you're being U.
I'm a teacher. It's our job to flag up this kind of thing. We see kids day in/day out and we're usually pretty good at picking up on things which merit investigation. Sometimes it comes to nothing; other times things are identified. Either way, the teacher and the school are caring and trying to support your DS as far as they can. Don't take it personally; it's not a criticism of your parenting.
It's scary to think there could be a problem, but lots of referrals come to nothing; it'd be worse to refuse it and for your son to miss out on support (of whatever kind) he may need.

You seem afraid that someone might tell you something that you don't want to hear.
If they are offering a SENCO to look at him and offer any help he may need then take it with open arms. One thing I will add is not to use the word "normal", it can be quite offensive to some people that have a SN child as all our children are "normal", just some might need a bit of help educationally/emotionally.

I agree LL12. The use of "Normal" was really beginning to grate on me.

My DS had very early intervention for HFA and has had support throughout school. He has entered sixth form without support as an increasingly confident young man. This is because he had help from an early age. Take any assessment or support you can get.

Could your DS is just a quiet little boy...

However..

At primary school I was...
very, very shy and reserved, didn't interact much in groups, daydreamed, hardly spoke to anyone, and got fixated on things.

I have recently been diagnosed Autistic Spectrum Disorder level 1 (Aspergers)

If a kindly teacher/lecturer had picked up on my early presentation it might have been saved me decades of problems with ridicule, isolation, anxiety, depression, self harm etc

As others have said its no reflection on your parenting and the teachers are there to help.

Please keep an open mind :)

May I just point out that a child having SEN doesn't always mean that they have autism/ASD/other conditions.

My 8 year old, YR3 DS has a SEN map, because he needs extra help with his writing. He is also in a social group once a week to help him with being more forthcoming in groups, and to encourage him to make friends with more than just one or two children.

DS doesn't have (as far as I am aware, and it hasn't been suggested by any of his teachers) any underlying conditions that are causing him to need the help, it's just that those are areas he is weakest in, and he needs a bit more help with them.