I know I am being unreasonable. I need brutal responses to snap me out of it please

[iamsofuckingfurious]

I am meeting my ex husbands girlfriend this weekend, my children will be starting to stay at their house overnight soon.

I know, I know I should be all lovely and smiley, but I really want to write a massive list of rules and reel them off to her.

I feel insanely jealous that she will spend time with my children.

I don't want her hugging them, or feeding them, or telling them off, if Im honest I want to tell her not to even look at them.

I feel physically sick at the thought of this, I have done every bit of the hard work with my children, my ex has had very little input but seems to want to step up now, which is great, but their awesomeness is all my hard work and I dont want another woman sharing in it, I want to snatch my babies and run away and keep them to myself.

I am unreasonable, I know this, but how can I stop myself being so unreasonable

You might want to text or email your ex and ask him to apologise to her and say that you were feeling very nervous and didn't mean to brush her off and that you hope they have a nice weekend.

She sounds like she isn't very nice, saying you were rude, in front of everyone, because you didn't want to hug a complete stranger?!

If she's that reactive to a rejected hug, you can bet your ex painted a bad picture of you to begin with. You just confirmed an already biased she had of you. I wouldn't worry about it. If it wasn't the hug, it'd be another reason to dislike you. After all you had him first.

Anyway, have a glass. You survived the meeting.

I wouldn't question the kids outside of a "How was your visit". You don't want them to start stressing visits and returning. No kid likes being caught in the middle, even if that's not your intention.

Oh no, I won't quiz my children at all, I'll just see what they say to me, she will probably relax more when I'm not there.

Its not about my ex, I don't know if she was the OW, if there was one, but I don't care anyway, I've moved on and he and I made each other miserable for years beforehand anyway.

Maybe I was a bit rude, but it wasn't because it was her, I would swerve a hug from anyone I don't know (and a lot of people I do) I hate it. My ex knows that, so I'm surprised he didn't tell her really.

I don't suppose it was ever likely to go well, but that's it over, I'll have a little sob as I hand my children over to my ex, then go to the zoo for the day.

to you all for helping me through a very difficult weekend.

Have fun with the penguins xx

Well done you. I think you handled it brilliantly.

I think the ex and new gf were probably trying too hard.

Im a stepmother and in my experience very very few stepmothers want to take over the mothers role.

Working together for well being of the children is the most important thing ~I think.

I understand your angst too about handing your children over. I also have a DD who I hate to parted from for even a few hours, I feel your pain

She sounds like she has zero experience of kids if she tries to hug ones she's never met.

Oh dear. She sounds well intentioned at least...

Morning OP hope you're ok. I'm a girlfriend in a similar situation. I was completely shitting myself when I met my DP's ex and daughter, complete nervous wreck. And it went terribly! My DSD cried, wouldn't get in the car and we called it off, it was all a bit much for everyone involved.
What we decided to do instead was happen to 'accidentally' bump into each other at a shopping centre, so that was the ExW, her new DH, her two other children and we went for a coffee. We just sat and chatted somewhere neutral and the adults talked whilst the kids are buns. And it worked so well. Maybe that's something for next time for yourselves?
It's been a year now and we all bimble along. I wouldn't ever want to be this little girls mum, she doesn't need another, she has a cracking one, and you sound like one as well. Be kind to yourself, it will get easier.

That's a lovely post, WestEast and very good advice, I think.

iamso... I hope you're feeling a bit better today. It's all very well for me to say I would have said something as I did in my post. I probably would have been like a rabbit in the headlights and dived behind the nearest settee...

The next time will be better and easier for you, and each time after that.

YANBU to feel the way you do but you would be if you were to act as you feel. I know you aren't going to so well done for being grown up about it. It is good you get the chance to meet her as hopefully this will put your mind at rest.

Hopefully you will get along. This will make things so much easier. All round.Your kids won't love you any less for having an extra person in their lives so please don't worry.

Sorry thought I had read the whole thread but obv hadn't and now see you've met.

It was always going to be a bit awkward. Shame you had to dodge the hug as it may have appeared rude if she was used to people doing this. Odd of her to hug the children on the first visit, I wouldn't have done that. I like to give kids the chance to feel comfy with me by chatting before hugs! Nor would I have hugged you tbh (no offence) in the circumstamces and it sounds like she was trying a bit to hard. Odd your ex didn't mention you don't hug strangers but then maybe he didn't expect her to do it. Shame he was rude to her.

Hope you feel better this morning.

I've been on both sides of this one. I'm fortunate enough to have an easy, friendly relationship with my ex's DW and she is great with my DC.

However my DH's ex took a very different approach. I wasn't OW and there was no reason for her behaviour other than, I assume, she felt as you do.

She didn't handle it as well as you are though and has been unrelentingly unpleasant and malicious towards me and about me.

Of course it's had an impact on me, but the people it's hurt the most are her DCs. It's so sad she can't see that.

I know it's hard for you but your DCs have one mum only - and that's you. Nobody else will ever replace you - how could they?

I think you're being brilliant

No matter what she gives them, does for them, says to them, you will always be their mum and she can't take that away from you.

Use the opportunity to do things just for you. Go out without a babysitter, go shopping without dragging kids with you, go to the gym, the cinema....anything you want. I'd suggest that you make some plans though otherwise you might sit around moping

Thanks lying it's hard sometimes, but she's little and been through a lot and she needs nice adults in her life who put her first.

I so understand this OP. My ex always wants to do this when he gets a new gf so he can look like the amazing dad. It soon wears off though so hopefully that will happen in your case too. Just be strong and act like the bigger person even though you will be gnashing your teeth.