I know I am being unreasonable. I need brutal responses to snap me out of it please

[iamsofuckingfurious]

I am meeting my ex husbands girlfriend this weekend, my children will be starting to stay at their house overnight soon.

I know, I know I should be all lovely and smiley, but I really want to write a massive list of rules and reel them off to her.

I feel insanely jealous that she will spend time with my children.

I don't want her hugging them, or feeding them, or telling them off, if Im honest I want to tell her not to even look at them.

I feel physically sick at the thought of this, I have done every bit of the hard work with my children, my ex has had very little input but seems to want to step up now, which is great, but their awesomeness is all my hard work and I dont want another woman sharing in it, I want to snatch my babies and run away and keep them to myself.

I am unreasonable, I know this, but how can I stop myself being so unreasonable

Think it's entirely normal to feel like this -you are offloading safely here rather than struggling when you meet her, which is very sensible. Glad you have arranged to do something nice. Hope the hint that she may be a good influence on your ex is right - and yes, feel sorry for her that she's been landed with someone not good enough for you!

Your ex is an ex for a reason and the new girlfriend isn't a part of that problem. So try to look at it like I do about my DCs, when people like or love them I take it as a compliment.

Remember when it comes to children the love isn't diluted. You don't love the little ones less because the numbers grew.
Hope for them to be happy, not miserable. They'll love you all the more for that.

I agree with Loki. Really, we all want people to be kind and lovely to our children - you're just feeling the fear that then the children will prefer them more than us!

Please trust that your children adore you - your the mum! - however nice other people are, nothing will ever change that.

I hope it goes well OP. Drop me a PM if I can be of any help!

I was very scared meeting the mum of my partner's children but it honesty wasn't anywhere near as scary as we both thought it was going to be.

The girlfriend will be hoping beyond hope that you are friendly and (from my own experience) getting in between the beautiful relationship you have with your children will be the last thing on her mind.

Do something nice for yourself tonight and remember that you have done so well to get to this point.

Totally fine to feel like you are, I was exactly the same too !

I battle it by bring very breezy and just talk to the children, have a great time blah blah blah wave like you're the happiest bugger on the planet. Then go and punch a pillow (obvs not do your teenager can hear ) and then go out with your son for fun stuff you can only do with teenagers

Men can be total turds, but like you he stepped up when he had a decent girlfriend. 4 years on ds loves his dad but really can rake or leave his girlfriend, this is dispite her actually being really good with him.

You are always mum x

Sorry like your ex ds's dad stepped up.

My typing is a bit enigmatic today

Good luck OP. I have been the girlfriend too, like Grape. Now I also have DC I admire my (now)DSD's DM all the more for her graciousness when we first met. It was not easy for her then, but I think she would say it gets much easier. We get on pretty well, I like to think I am a nice person who was/is sensitive to her feelings, which is how any other nice person will be in the circumstances.

You sound like a fantastic mother. You'll be an even better one for having a break every now and then. I know it doesn't feel like a break now, but give it time.

You feelings are totally natural, and you are doing a great thing hiding them. Their relationship with their father is so important. You obviously know that, which is why you are being the bigger person.

Oh, an I don't think there's anything wrong with consoling yourself (silently) with the thought that she now has to out up with him, and you are free!

Put up with him!

It is such a hard thing to do and I don't blame you for having such strong feelings. It would be easier to think that they met after he left you.

Think of it as them going on a sleepover. When they visit friends and stay overnight, you hope they'll be looked after and cared for. You don't assume the friend's mum will be kissing them, cuddling them, etc. You will have to do the same here.

Be strong for your children and let them think you are happy for them to have a good time there. Don't make them feel guilty. Tell them that you had fun while they were away; they won't want to think of you crying at home.

It is really hard.

What have you got planned for yourself?

Thanks again, you are all lovely

Tomorrow my son and I are off to feed the penguins at the zoo (its not exactly a spa weekend but its something I have always wanted to do).

I was going to get all dressed up tonight, but I figure she will probably do that so I'll just wear jeans and a jumper and comfy shoes.

I'm thinking of neutral subjects to talk about and ways to tell both of them about my children, as he doesn't know them that well, without sounding patronising but I am struggling a bit.

It will all be OK, the first time is bound to be the worst. I'll enjoy my free time soon I'm sure.

Thank you all for being so supportive and understanding when faced with my tantrum

It's completely understandable to feel like you do but it's not going to get you anywhere (I'm trying to be brutal here ). You have to have a stern word with yourself and try and get over it.
It is understandable that you are feeling extremely protective about your children but hopefully you will feel more relaxed as time goes on.

It's just so, so much easier if all the adults can get on. I know several divorced families where it all seems to work well.

I'm sure time is the biggest factor in all of this. You have only been split a year so it's not suprising you still feel raw.

I don't think there is anything wrong with admitting to your ex and his partners that you are finding meeting up difficult but that you really want to move on and do whatever's best for the kids.

Good luck. I'm sure you will be ok.

Gawd! I've been there without the children. Just the X and an OW. I'm going to Aldi now for a bar of cheapo chocolate and a £3.89 bottle of wine.

I'll drink a toast to you, OP. As others have said, you'll just have to tolerate it all. I would try not to question your DC too much about what they did, who said what, what who looked like, what DF said the OW etc when they return to you.

If it makes you feel any better, I've been with my dp over two years and very rarely cuddle his DCs. I hug them if they sit next to me on the sofa and kiss them on the top of the head when I say goodnight, but it's a very different relationship from the one I have with my own DCs.

She probably won't want to be too involved with them, she hasn't come into this relationship to usurp you from your rightful place in the their lives. She just happened to fall in love with their dad.

I really struggle with finding my place as a 'step-mum', trying to be affectionate enough for them to feel welcome, but not overstepping the mark. Not having a 'your kids/my kids' division between me and dp, but also being respectful about what their mum might think if they need a bath at my house or we are all invited to family functions etc.

Of course they'll need feeding and if they want a cuddle from their dad's GF then I'm sure she will oblige, but don't imagine for one minute that she will be 'enjoying the benefits of these awesome little people' as you would do, she simply won't see them like that.

They're someone else's kids and she will probably feel about them very much the same way you feel about your DCs friends and will act accordingly, as a responsible adult in joint charge of them, but with the main responsibility being your ex's. I'm sure in time she will come to care about them, but she won't be eager to take over as another mum and will probably leave things like discipline to their dad for quite some time.

If your ex husband's girlfriend treats your children as you would like her to, it will be really horrible for your children.

Go and meet this woman and try to become friends if you can, or at least friendly. In her favour... she is meeting you before the the kids stay overnight. She is encouraging your ex to step up as a father. She is probably the most nervous of the three of you, as doubtless your ex will have told her you're a dreadful witch, (after all, nothing will unnerve him more than the pair of you becoming friends). She may or may not adore your kids, hopefully she will, as having an extra spare grown-up who loves them is never a bad thing. Hopefully when you meet she will want to know any important information about their routines etc.
My children's stepmum taking their idiot father on is the best thing ever happened to any of us. She has never tried to be their other mother, just been a great auntie-style fun person throughout their growing up, and had them to stay at the drop of a hat whenever I had childcare issues.

Get over yourself!

Gruntfuttock, where does the OP indicate that she wishes the girlfriend would not treat her children well? I think your post is a bit uncalled for.

I was the girlfriend (now wife). I bet she is feeling so apprehensive about meeting you! I think how you're feeling is completely understandable. If I had to share my son with my husband's new girlfriend I would be livid.

For what it's worth, my stepsons adore their mother. Nobody comes close! I am lazy compared to her apparently! When they're upset it's her they want. She and I have a great relationship, watching the boys play football and catching up when I drop them home. I'm the intermediary between her and my husband and it works really well. I even took her to the hospital once as she doesn't drive.

It can work. If she's the reason for your ex stepping up she's probably a decent person who wants to make things right.

Trickydecision Quote from OP:- "I don't want her hugging them, or feeding them, or telling them off, if Im honest I want to tell her not to even look at them."

Fair doos Gruntfuttock, I totally missed that, sorry.

But I do understand why she feels like that.

Not wishing to be rude, but I don't really get why you'd want or expect to meet her. I haven't met any of my XPs girlfriends. We are not on speaking terms (though he sees the DC regularly) so I wouldn't expect to be introduced to anyone he was seeing.

I've been in a relationship for almost 7 months, I have met his DC a number of times. So far as I'm aware his ExW doesn't know of my existence, and even if she does I don't foresee us ever meeting, thankfully.

We don't need to come and sort out bail for you do we??

I hope it wasn't toooo bad and that you enjoy the penguins tomorrow
x

Thanks all again, its over now, it went badly

My ex wanted me to be there when my children met her the first time, it wasn't my choice, but I couldn't say no without looking like the 'bitter ex'.

She showed up, hugged my youngest two, before she so much as looked at me, my youngest hates being touched by strangers so that went down like a lead balloon, pissed me off right away because I had to calm her down

My ex stood talking to me, she hovered about behind him, then he finally introduced us and she came for a hug, which I swerved, which I would have with anyone, but said a perfectly polite hello. Then she told ex in what she obviously thought was a hushed tone that I was rude, so I told her she wasn't as quiet as she thinks she is.

Ex then played with two of our DC while I talked to the others and she stood about looking awkward for half an hour. He didn't acknowledge her at all, it was really rude of him actually, but she sufficiently annoyed me that I didn't take pity.

That's the first and last time we will meet hopefully, just have to wait and see what my kids say, if anything, hopefully she was just over enthusiastic and will calm down.

Thank goodness its over.

It sounds like she was trying too hard and didn't have the same reticence as you do. I don't like hugging/kissing but if I'd been in your place, feeling as I do, and was faced with a 'huggy' person I would have skipped out of the way and said kindly, "Sorry, not a huggy person, it's me, the kids are the same with people they don't know well". Your ex went pretty overboard in showing you fondness of the children too didn't he, so it sounds to me as if they were both nervous - and you were fraught also. A lethal combination.

I think you were rude. You probably worked yourself up into a frazzle and that didn't help before you'd even met her. This is not about you or your ex husband and she's not the OW, is she?

This woman may be short-term - or she may be long term and your children may grow to love her and she them - and if not this one then another one will. As much as you don't want to think of that, we don't own our children and we can't call 'dibs' just because we hold the trump card of 'mother' either.

Your last sentence suggests that you'll quiz your children - please don't do that. Don't let them pick up on your angst or visitation will be very hard for THEM indeed.

Go and have and congratulate yourself that this visit is over, if there is another one it will be better than this one.