Bust up with the inlaws :( help please

[NoSnotAllowed]

PIL live over 200 miles away so they come and visit for a long weekend once every couple of months. We also go down to visit them too. We have two DS's who are 2 and 1.

We've just had a very tearful, emotional phone call from PIL who apparently are fed up that we don't talk to them enough, don't reply to texts/emails quickly enough and make them feel uncomfortable when they come to visit.

To be honest I completely see where they're coming from but I don't see how to fix it - we are total polar opposites. DH and I are very independent, quite private people who both suck at making small talk when the subject matter is inane (eg the weather, random neighbours we don't know etc). We have both always been like this and we would both much prefer to sit in a comfortable silence with each other than to talk for the sake of it. PIL are the opposite - talk constantly, want to know every aspect of our plans/lives, NEED to be helpful/useful and also can't sit still for more than 5 mins.

I don't know what to do I don't want them to feel uncomfortable and neglected but I'm also annoyed that they can't just take us as we are. We've tried to explain politely but just get countered with more tears and accusations from MIL. The kids adore them but their visits are becoming more and more hard work.

Anyone got any suggestions about how to deal with this?

I am sorry you are in this position OP. I am not surprised you are annoyed and feel rather FU about the in laws at the mo. I was the same earlier this year when MiL had her rant about me. I have a rather tough hide so I got over it but it made for some awkward outings - but the fact is she is stuck with me - I have made concessions to her needs without betraying my own - and to be honest I have no idea if she has a better appreciation of mine or not but we have had no issues since then. I got loads of dil points for hand making and decorating her birthday cake last month.

Your parents have had their rant and by making a couple of small concessions to it and continuing to facilitate good relationships with their grandchildren - could the GP's skype or something? Then no one would blame you if you let your dh take the strain for a while. If they are unreasonable then he should be the one directing the future visitation parameters. If his own parents cannot accept how your dh is then you cannot expect much understanding from them either. So don't waste your energy beyond keeping things civil. If they can accept some compromise and perhaps now they have got this off their chests they might, then there may be a middle way that will work better for all of you.

I have had to accept that my Mil is probably never going to be satisfied with me, but her happiness is not my main concern. My dh needs to have a good relationship with his parents so I am supporting him by making some small changes to my behaviour. So your actions may rest on how much your dh values a harmonious relationship - or if your in laws need to be shown that they need to make some changes to their behaviour if they want you to change yours.

Perhaps plan something for the evening after the kids have gone to bed, scrabble!?

I agree even if you can't reply to their texts as you get distracted perhaps you can send a couple of photo texts a week so that at least they are getting some communication from you, even if it's not a response to their text.

Could you do (carefully pre-arranged) Skype or FaceTime with them to take the pressure off in between visits? I find the gps only want to gaze adoringly at DS so there's little actual conversation.

I think it's very rude of them to say they feel uncomfortable in our house when they have invited themselves to stay, exhausted the children beyond their limits even though we ask them not to meaning that bedtime is horrendous and then expect two parents of very young children to have the energy to do anything other than chill out after 8pm.

Can you get DH to ask them to stop in a nearby hotel or B& B ? - I reached that stage - it actually got better after that easier to enforce boundaries and get DC and us some space.

In my defence nothing but giving up our bed was going to make them happy - and we were co-sleeping and bf so wasn't an option - bed downstairs they encouraged the DC to destroy - they expect that fore our hand instead they got B & B .

Or say no to visits - few years from now weekends will get busy with DC parties, swimming/dance/gym/sporting stuff so might time to try and space visits more.

Plus if DC have had enough - be firm and insist what you want happens - ignore any sulking and tears. My I are especially bad at considering the DC - how much they can cope with or how exhausting small DC can be- I found we needed to advocate for our DC - firm no they can't wait another 1 or two to eat change nappy or find loo or have another hour up.

I found being firmer with IL - explaining why - but sticking to our guns about visits frequency and how much DC could cope - eventually after bit of unpleasantness meant we actually had better relationship.

Less seething resentment on our side and more respect from theirs. Means we all get to enjoy visits.

To restate something I said earlier: I think with introverted people, it is NOT a question of simply exercising more tolerance, as in 'I don't like how you are but I can bite my tongue and ignore it'. It's more a question of 'You are exhausting all of my resources at the most fundamental level and I can't cope'.

To give an equivalent: imagine we are talking about physical energy. I'm a keen runner who regularly runs marathons, and you are someone who would struggle to run a mile. Is it fair for me to moan that you won't go 15 miles with me? Or is that an unreasonable expectation in the circumstances? Would it be OK for me to ask you to come along and 'just put up with it for the sake of our relationship?'

Of course not. We should find an accommodation - probably involving a nice shorter walk with a pub!

OOps, pressed 'post' too soon!

It is the same with social energy - introverted people are as exhausted by constant noise, bustle and company as people who don't regularly run would be by a 15 mile jog.

As mentioned by a PP, the art of small talk is a useful one to cultivate. I know it doesn't always come easily; when I was younger I found this really difficult, especially with people I didn't know so well. But with age and practice it does get easier.

Not that I want to spend my life wittering on about something and nothing - when it is just DH and I , or DH, DD and I we can sit for hurs in quite companiable silence. However, when out with people, or visiting, or entertaining visitors I think it is good to be able engage in a little light chit chat. If they like to do most of the talking then surely all you need to do is take an interest in what they are saying, make the right noises and ask a few questions here and there to keep them going?

LOVE that analogy outofcontrol that's it exactly

I agree, 5Foot - you can also make lists of things to talk about which really helps!

However, I think subsequent posts have revealed that the OP isn't just struggling with the smalltalk - when the ILs are there she is actually struggling to speak at all because she's so damn tired by the evening. That cannot be right. If she is to attempt small talk against her habits, she needs to be in a state where she's not exhausted! So the inlaws need to stop pushing to rush around so much.

I also think it is important you don't give credence to the idea there is anything wrong with your husband. It is horrible to be disapproved of by them for the 'crime' of not being great at small talk and just being a quiet person, and I honestly would not pander to this too much at all. What if your children, as often happens with quiet people, also turn out quiet and independent? Are they going to be accused of not paying them attention too?

I think this is a very good point.

I would have tried to post a lot of practical advice about what to do, but for the fact that in a later post you say :DH has always been like this and they've always given him a hard time over it.

I can't believe that after bringing your DH up, they still don't accept him for who he is and they are still taking his quietness personally. It does come across as, if not manipulative, at least very lacking in emotional intelligence.

All that said, there must be room for some middle ground. I think your DH has to talk to them about it, being quite firm that there has to be compromise and understanding from them as well as you.

So what about:
-doing less during the day when they come;
-really being firmer about not running the children ragged;
-have something to do in the evenings some nights-game, guests, whatever, to give a focus;
-make clear you are going to bed early on the other nights.

This is not about the op's social skills really - who the hell wants to sit and talk about shit 3/4 nights every 6 weeks or so when you have 2 small children and have been active and hostessy all day ? im a sales re and extrovert and can talk about nothing for hours but its exhausting and wearing even for somone like me with major bullshitting skills. They are parents not the entertainment!

surely small talk is for strangers it is a bit sad that the in laws are still as strangers - when visiting. My Mum could talk the hind leg of a donkey. But we are not limited to small talk when she visits we have a rich seam of weird and wonderful relations to mine for chat. There must be some reminiscing about shared memories or something - desperately grasping at straws here... with my in laws we can bore on for hours about the children and which family member they look most like this week etc.

Yes outofcontrol2014, when I was talking about improving small talk earlier it was on the basis that there are no other issues and OP's PILs are basically nice people with whom she wants her DC to have a relationship. But now it seems that there is other stuff going on!

And cross post with monstrousRatbag, her list of suggestions is good.

One tactic you could try if the PILs make the kids hyper is get them to put the kids to bed. If it's a two hour job and you can shut the noise behind a couple of doors, that should give you some time to at least partially recharge your batteries.

Sympathies, it's very difficult to have people stay in your home when you need both physical and mental space and the visitors keep getting in it.

I also repeat the boardgames suggestion - this is exactly what I do when my inlaws come to stay. Also, my MIL is a jigsaw genius so I have taken to buying a new jigsaw puzzle for every visit - the bigger and more challenging the better! It works as an activity to fill in between other activities over the visit wonderfully and we join in occasionally to help. I never enjoyed jigsaw puzzles as a child but I've certainly come to appreciate them as a DIL!

Who here would honestly think to themselves ...

''oh, y'know i wish my adult kids would text me more often, and chat a bit longer in the evenings when we stay at theirs''

... and then decide the best thing to do would be to ring up and cry down the phone to them about it??

Pathetic. Sorry.

I can't believe that after bringing your DH up, they still don't accept him for who he is and they are still taking his quietness personally

Believe it! This is exactly what my parents are like and I'm sure plenty of parents can't accept the way their children are. Sad.

Use their incredibly childish phone call as a way of sorting this out once & for all, stand up to them now & as a PP said, you'll garner more respect in the long run.

Sorry havent read whole thread, get some board games, there are many threads on here suggesting good ones (NOT monoploy) it makes talk so much easier for those crap at small talk, as you have something to talk about.

I think shorter, more regular visits may help here. I get on fine with my in-laws but would definitely run out of conversation during a 3-4 day long weekend. Maybe monthly visits but only for a couple of days at a time? Also maybe try and get out of the house and do things with them when you are with them so you can make conversation about what your doing and avoid the silences? x

So many good replies, thank you so much everyone. I wasn't going to post earlier this morning as all my previous PIL threads have gone horribly wrong

I agree with a PP that it shouldn't be small talk with your family, it isn't with my own family. But they have a very small family, DH doesn't know most of his relations. So once we've discussed his brother and his aunt, and asked after work/the garden then we're out of ideas. We don't share many interests except the kids and after spending all day with the kids the last thing I want to do is talk about them all evening!

DH agrees a board game is a good idea so we'll source one of them from somewhere. And sending a photo or two during the week is definitely a good idea and will score me DIL points. They already FaceTime 2 or 3 times a week so really don't want to do anymore of that - the kids love it but we find it soooo cringeworthy!

I'm feeling calmer about it now. I think we've all agreed to try a bit harder so we'll see how the next visit goes.

Thanks again everyone, you've really helped

Totally get why you are angry. They are putting a lot of emotional crap onto you but certainly keep the peace I think.

Send the photos, text as soon as they do but break free from too much emotion crap If you can.

However, if it continues of escalates, be assertive and say that you find it offensive that you are trying your best and its exhausting with a one and two year old.

If in doubt bombard with photos of children - works for me. I snap them whenever we are out and about and send them to pil. When they come to stay we rent a movie every night or suggest a board game.