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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Useless little bro!

45 replies

Uselessbro · 18/11/2014 22:45

So bit of history to start with; my brother (aged 21) has suffered with depression in the past. He started uni and dropped out and hid it from the whole family. So has now got a TA job (at the same school as my mother) in a secondary school. He is incredibly good with younger children though.

He is insanely selfish! So parents always said if you are earning and live at home and earn then you pay board. He's not. My parents have just done up his room and given him a load of monitors. (He is a massive computer geek!) During family gatherings (we all get together for Sunday dinner every week without fail) he is constantly on his laptop or he just buggers off upstairs. We asked him (my dh and I ) to help clean out the puppies we have once this evening and he "forgot" so my dad had to do it. I had to work an unusually long shift.

What can I do to get through to him that he needs to pay back some of the support he has been getting? He doesn't have to pay anything at all and my parents seem to think it's ok what he is doing.

So (scuse the essay!?) but AIBU to expect at least a bit more respect from my brother towards myself and my parents?

OP posts:

Suefla62 · 18/11/2014 22:53

Move into your own house then you don't have to put up with him. Otherwise it's between your parents and him.

Hatespiders · 18/11/2014 22:55

In my view, it's up to your parents to decide how to deal with your brother, not you. If they're happy with his attitude, then there's nothing you can say.
If they're fed up with him, then they must sort it out.
It's nice of them to have done up his room, and give him monitors. They may well be trying to lift him out of his depression with a bit of tlc.

You sound a wee bit jealous of his treatment as compared to yourself. Perhaps you could have a word with your mum about this.

LaurieFairyCake · 18/11/2014 22:57

He doesn't owe you anything

Just your parents

maddening · 18/11/2014 22:57

If I was paying and dbro was living free I would move out.

Corygal · 18/11/2014 23:01

I don't understand why you think he's selfish for refusing to clean out your puppies? They're, er, your puppies.

Original poster

Uselessbro · 18/11/2014 23:03

Sorry maybe I wasn't clear enough. I do live in my own house with my dh but when I was at home the rule was always if you earn you contribute even if it's a token gesture. My dh has suggested it is because my mum doesn't want an empty nest so maybe it is different for a younger child?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 18/11/2014 23:05

He doesn't have to pay anything at all and my parents seem to think it's ok what he is doing.

Errrm... So what is your problem exactly?

Original poster

Uselessbro · 18/11/2014 23:05

Also with reference to the puppies it really was a one time ask for a favour. I'm in childcare and was asked to do an extended shift while my husband was away working. We are generally a very close (both emotionally and geographically) family so we regularly help each other out.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 18/11/2014 23:07

Who cares?

Your DH might be right or he might no be

I just really don't get why you feel any of this is your business?

If he was staying in your house, I'd say YANBU

But he's not, is he?

LadyLuck10 · 18/11/2014 23:07

Jealousy is a nasty disease. It's got squat to do with you. Leave your parents and Db to it?
And have some compassion for him.

greenbananas · 18/11/2014 23:07

I think you sound a bit jealous. .. Maybe I'm wrong but I'm guessing there is some sort of background to this. ..

depression can be very grim. . Have you ever suffered with depression?

The financial side is not your problem, it's entirely up to your parents. Being fair to everybody does not always mean treating them in exactly the same way.

Do you like your brother?

(And what's with the puppies? You asked him to do a favour for you and he forgot, is that right? )

Original poster

Uselessbro · 18/11/2014 23:09

Worry my problem is his complete lack of thankfulness at what my parents are doing for him. By his age I had been living independently for many years and when I was home still doing things for my parents. Stupid things and basic things like putting a load of washing on or loading the dishwasher. He won't do any of these things even when people have cooked for him. He just disappears upstairs to play on games.

OP posts:

basgetti · 18/11/2014 23:10

Well he's not 'useless' is he? He has managed to get a TA job which are very competitive and you say he's good with children. Your parents are happy with the current arrangement so it's not really your business.

WorraLiberty · 18/11/2014 23:14

Oh right, so you suffered from depression too in the past and were treated differently, is that what you are saying?

If not then my advice is to wind your neck, stop treating your parents like children who don't know their own minds, and pay someone to take care of your own puppies.

Sorry but this smacks of sibling resentment that at your age (assuming you're older than 21) is very childish.

He's got himself a good job. He's still young. Your parents are obviously happy with their living arrangement so I really can't see why you're involving yourself in what is not your business.

CelesteToTheDance · 18/11/2014 23:14

What's it got to do with you? Maybe they like having him there? They're happy to support him knowing that he's safe and not falling into serious depression?

Why should he clean up after your puppies? They're your responsibility, not his. I wouldn't have helped either.

The rules they agree to are between them. He doesn't owe you anything and he doesn't answer to you. Mind your own business.

Floggingmolly · 18/11/2014 23:15

God, I wouldn't have cleaned out your fecking puppies either Do you think he owes you domestic duties in lieu of rent (even though it's not your house he's living in)?

MagicMojito · 18/11/2014 23:16

Yabu. It doesn't seem like your dbro wants the close family dynamic that the rest of you have I don't blame him If he doesn't want to do you favours and if he's not engaging in these regular get togethers. It may be sad for you but it's his right to live life the way he wants. It's not selfish

His living arrangements are nothing to do with you.
Hth.

greenbananas · 18/11/2014 23:17

Yes, it's not easy to get a TA job. Good work on his part, I think, at least he is not just bumming around in his bedroom all the time. This is a major achievement for someone who was depressed enough to drop out of university and try to hide his failure from his own family.

Original poster

Uselessbro · 18/11/2014 23:20

Ok evidently wrong based on these comments and should just butt out. It's hard to explain a living situation on forums like this. Yes I adore my brother, truly I do and love him to pieces but I just want to give him a kick up the bum! He is incredibly intelligent and just want him to find a career that excites him! He only went for the TA post as my mum pushed him into it ( has said so) and I think he just lacks a focus. He has so many skills either as a primary TA or teacher or (completely different track) a sound and lighting engineer)

It's just that he doesn't seem to appreciate what people are doing to support him.

The puppy thing was a minor thing but I think it was just the final straw tbh. He regularly "forgets" to do stuff for family as a helping hand.

I love him dearly and want him to find a career that just excites him! He could do so much!

OP posts:

MyFirstName · 18/11/2014 23:21

You sound very bitter and angry. Are you angry with your brother? Or with your parents?

Have you ever suffered from depression? Ever recovered from it? Has your brother recovered fully? Or do you not know because you are too busy counting the chores he has (or has not done) to find out?

How old are you?

I will confess when I was 21, and not depressed but just back at home for a short while after uni I was crap at remembering stuff my parents had asked me to do. I was 21 and self-absorbed. I had not really grasped responsibilty. I learnt when I moved out properly. If my big sister had tried to thrust her self-righteous "I am perfect you are a lazy good for nothing" shite down my throat it would probably have made me lie back on the sofa and think "fuck you".

Back off. It is not for you to dictate.

DoJo · 18/11/2014 23:21

I don't understand why you are so concerned about your parents - they seem to have had no trouble laying down the law to you, so why assume that they are unhappy with the situation with your brother? Perhaps they have different expectations from him, perhaps they would prefer him to stay at home, perhaps they are so happy that he has a job that they aren't bothered about him not contributing more. Whatever the situation, I genuinely can't see why it concerns you except that he didn't do you a favour when you asked, which might have been annoying, but is his prerogative.

WineWineWine · 18/11/2014 23:21

Why are you trying to parent your adult brother?
This has diddley squat to do with you.

MyFirstName · 18/11/2014 23:22

Cross-post.

Inboxer · 18/11/2014 23:24

If my son dropped out of uni and didn't tell me I would be gutted that he didn't feel he could come to me and I would feel guilty and blame myself if he suffered from depression. Whether it not it was my fault or not, parents do feel responsible. Perhaps it is because of this and his illness that they feel extra protective of him and try to over compensate with him so that they don't 'lose' him entirely and so that he feels secure and cared for enough that he won't hide his suffering from them again.

Unfortunately this is inevitably impacting on you and you are quite right, it's not fair that the rules are bent for him and that expectations are higher for you. It's not that they care more for him than for you, it's just their perception of him is different. He is seen as the more vunerable 'child' and protecting his feelings has become a priority over general fairness.

I think it may be unrealistic to expect them to stop feeling this way about him but I think you have a right to request that one or two minor obligations be put on him if it makes the general atmosphere in the house better for everyone. Perhaps a little jobs rota on the wall which distributes the household tasks as realistically and fairly as possible might make you feel like your feelings are valued too and give him a sense of responsibility towards others, it might stop the situation exploding at a later date when you get really fed up with it all.

I think you need to find a balance between making allowances for your brother's (often quite debilitating) illness without feeling that you're the forgotten sibling. It might mean you have to be satisfied with just a small amount of responsibility being put on his shoulders in return for you letting him bugger off when he feels he needs to. You are quite right to feel annoyed but you also have to be realistic and find a balance between asserting your own needs and being sensitive to the needs of your family. Sounds like your brother is not all bad, perhaps his depression has made him fall into habits of behaving in anti social ways but if you are going to hope to change his behaviour you need to take the time to truely find out what's behind it first.

basgetti · 18/11/2014 23:26

He was unwell and unable to continue at uni, so maybe the priority for him at the moment is to have the support of your parents whilst he recovers and increases his confidence and gets experience by working in his new job. Pressuring him to get a 'better career' would be cruel, he is probably doing as much as he can at the moment.

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