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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Useless little bro!

45 replies

Uselessbro · 18/11/2014 22:45

So bit of history to start with; my brother (aged 21) has suffered with depression in the past. He started uni and dropped out and hid it from the whole family. So has now got a TA job (at the same school as my mother) in a secondary school. He is incredibly good with younger children though.

He is insanely selfish! So parents always said if you are earning and live at home and earn then you pay board. He's not. My parents have just done up his room and given him a load of monitors. (He is a massive computer geek!) During family gatherings (we all get together for Sunday dinner every week without fail) he is constantly on his laptop or he just buggers off upstairs. We asked him (my dh and I ) to help clean out the puppies we have once this evening and he "forgot" so my dad had to do it. I had to work an unusually long shift.

What can I do to get through to him that he needs to pay back some of the support he has been getting? He doesn't have to pay anything at all and my parents seem to think it's ok what he is doing.

So (scuse the essay!?) but AIBU to expect at least a bit more respect from my brother towards myself and my parents?

OP posts:

basgetti · 18/11/2014 23:27

Inboxer the OP doesn't live there, she has her own home. The distribution of household chores is therefore none of her business.

PoppyWearer · 18/11/2014 23:31

I will echo what everyone else has said.

You are not his parent.

WorraLiberty · 18/11/2014 23:33

You don't particularly sound as though you 'love him dearly'.

From what you've posted here, you sound dismissive of his mental health condition, dismissive of his career choice and pretty jealous that your parents have chosen to allow him to live with them rent free.

You have your own marriage, your own home and your own life to concentrate on.

However it sounds as though something in your life is severely lacking for you, to interest yourself so much in the lives of 3 other adults.

Inboxer · 18/11/2014 23:34

Sorry when I started typing there were only two responses so I didn't see the bit where OP said she had her own home.

Original poster

Uselessbro · 18/11/2014 23:34

We are an incredibly close family and share most aspects of our weekly lives around each other. Which is why I do feel I have a say in it. I am trying to help each part of our family here. Trying to keep my brother fulfilled, (he has told me this is not the career path he wants at all) my parents happy (as they are also struggling with this) and our extended family. We live ten minutes down the road from my parents and it is a very inclusive family. I'm just trying to figure out what I can do. Didn't expect the flaming as I'm just trying to help my parents and my little brother here!

OP posts:

Original poster

Uselessbro · 18/11/2014 23:42

I really do love him dearly truly I do! And do you know what yes I probably am a bit jealous in the differences in the way parents have treated us. But my main motivation is how to improve the atmosphere and support towards each other. I am not dismissing his mental health as I really do understand the impact of this. I just want him to understand and reciprocate just a fraction of the support shown to him. And these are really minor things.

OP posts:

Sheitgeist · 18/11/2014 23:44

Your DB sounds spookily like my son, who is intelligent and gentle, but a bit uncommunicative, immature and lazy. He too dropped out of uni and hid it from us, his rent and debts cost us a lot of money.
Back home after that, he contributed nothing to our household - money or help.
He also had mild depressive episodes.
More than anything we just wanted to encourage and help him, help him see the way forward. He had a eureka moment about what he should do and starting studying and working quite hard to make it happen. Now it has and he has begun his new career.
I just mean to say, OP that your db needs to find his focus. He is still very young and has had MH problems. In time he will find his calling and momentum and will mature as a result.

DirtyOldTown · 18/11/2014 23:45

A little bit of a contradiction there, you initially stated your parents were ok with this, but now you say they are struggling with it? You seem to want to parent your brother, it's not your job and I wonder how caring you are about him given your username...

WorraLiberty · 18/11/2014 23:45

I'm sorry to say this but really it sounds (and I can only go on what you've written here), as though you've appointed yourself as some sort of family co-ordinator.

Just chill out and concentrate on you and your DH.

Do you have kids of your own?

DazzleU · 18/11/2014 23:45

Are your parents moaning to you about him - pointing out all these little things?

My parents complained endlessly about my siblings to me - I'd come away angry and annoyed at my siblings - but if I said to try and help or change matters anything I was in the wrong.

Took a long time to realise if my parents actually wanting things to change they could talk directly to my siblings or say no to them.

I was just being wound up and upset by all this moaning. So I started redirecting the conversations pointing out they I wasn't the one to talk to - didn't go over very well but it stopped me getting wound up and upset about stuff I had no control over.

Your brother is an adult - if he wants a different career direction then he can work one out - all you can do is direct him to sources of information when it's mentioned and if he wants to talk through things with you offer advice. You can't sort him out or dictate what he does.

Also with the dog thing - if fine to ask for help and he's perfectly within his rights to say no however the way it's written here does have shades of how my FIL treated DH and my father my brother in late teens early adulthood - the assumption their time was unimportant and a resource they could dole out. Both massively resented it - even if they did often end up doing the tasks. I'd be wary of doing that - doesn't improve relations.

I do agree with everyone else - it's not really your place to do anything.

Sheitgeist · 18/11/2014 23:45

Should have added that I understand your frustration and have felt it, too!

LadyLuck10 · 18/11/2014 23:46

Have you considered that he may still be struggling with his depression therefore not able to see past all the things he 'should' be doing.

DazzleU · 18/11/2014 23:48

but if I said to try and help or change matters anything I was in the wrong.

Clearly I need my bed a - but the jist was me saying anything or doing anything to try and improve change matters however diplomatic or subtle - I was in instant wrong with my parents let alone my siblings.

Stripeeepyjamas · 18/11/2014 23:52

I am an older sis to a similar sounding brother who still lives at home at 30, but mine hasn't worked for 7 years. Anyway I used to feel a it like this, my parents struggle and mum often complains to me but doesn't do much about the situation. I have learnt not to let this become my problem too if there is nothing I can do as none of my suggestions seem to be useful.

Anyhow, turns out my brother has Aspergers, was diagnosed about 4 years ago. I am no doctor but it can be linked to depression, difficulty socialising, lack of social intelligence, forgetfulness, need to stick to strict routines etc. I will spend a day at parents house and might not see brother all day.

At 21 your brother is probably just trying to find himself, he is lucky he has such a supportive family. But do just be aware of any health issues like depression, it must be hard for him and probably feels isolated with it.

Good luck

Northernparent68 · 19/11/2014 00:02

Inboxer, why should the op give her brother a chores list ? It's not her house. As has been said what he does in her parents house is nt her business.it's a bit controlling to manage her brothers relationship with her parents.

Inboxer · 19/11/2014 00:04

OP I think you're only human to feel the way you do but it would be overstepping an important boundary to tell your parents how to run their home especially when it's not your home.

In a perfect world all parents would make rules and stick to them but it's not always easy to do that. Part of having children is realising that one rule doesn't fit every child and you have to keep adapting your parenting style to suit each child. Clearly the rules and boundaries they gave you have worked and you're now an independent strong woman but your brother is different and they're just trying to do what's best like us all. I can understand it must grate at times but this is how they feel they want to play it and you have no choice but to respect that.

I know you care about your brother and I'm sure in time he will be independent and more responsible, he's just going to take a bit longer than you did and he's facing his own unique issues that he obviously struggles to convey to others. What you perceive as rudeness may be something far more complicated. I hope things improve soon for you all but I think you will do well to just try and be supportive to all of them and concentrate on your own life and let them get on with theirs. However flawed it may seem, it works for them so bite your lip and let it be. It may be a different story a couple of years down the line anyway.

Catsarebastards · 19/11/2014 00:05

Its really between your parents and brother. Your OP was in no way seeking advice so you could help. You were bitching about him.

Also- why have puppies (did your dog have a litter?) if your DH works away and your work requires you to do extended shifts?

Inboxer · 19/11/2014 00:10

Northern parent 86 - I've already explained the misunderstanding on my first post and written a second one now I know she doesn't live there. Although for the record I wasn't suggesting a rota would be imposed by the OP but be more of a collective household agreement.

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 19/11/2014 00:18

All you want to do is give him a kick up the bum you said in one post, can I just say that really would advise you to read up about depression if you really want to help. I tended to withdraw from people further more with people with that attitude so could be why your brother does.

Seriously think you need more understanding on depression

Floggingmolly · 19/11/2014 09:37

It is really not within your remit to "keep your brother fulfilled". Really, back off. Your seem to have an idealised idea of your family being so very inclusive, but your description of family life is the polar opposite.
Maybe they'd all be happy if you distanced yourself slightly?

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