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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my husband should agree to accept the money from my parents?

60 replies

runningandjumping · 18/11/2014 13:16

We decided to buy a house (we're renting at the moment) and my parents offered to give us a large sum of money for our deposit, so that we have less mortgage to repay. Now my husband doesn't want to take money from my parents, as he doesn't want to owe them anything and thinks that they would interfere more should we accept the money. Generally my parents and DH have a good relationship, so I'm surprised by his reaction. I haven't told anything to my parents yet, as it would probably offend them. They can afford helping us and my children are their only grandchildren. Do you think I should try to persuade my DH to take the money?

OP posts:
Greengrow · 18/11/2014 14:49

He's being an idiot. The money is likely to come to you when they die anyway so much better you get it now rather than the state taking 40% of it on their death as inheritance tax.

However it might be worth your parents doing a loan agreement with you so if the husband divorces you as he may well do as 50% of mortgage fail then what your parents put in goes back to them and is not something he gets his filthy mits on. My daughter's parents in law have loaned the couple money to buy and I have given my daughters a lump sum too when they bought their first places. I only did that because I could afford to and wanted to.

Greengrow · 18/11/2014 14:49

(marriages fail (not mortgage fail)??)

FraidyCat · 18/11/2014 14:54

If you have separate finances, maybe try and structure it so the money is a gift only to you. Anyone who is proud of paying their own way through life is going to have mixed feelings about taking money from in-laws, or even their own parents. Passing on the money to grandchildren is a solution.

shushpenfold · 18/11/2014 14:59

How about the suggestion that they're just trying to avoid paying so much in inheritance tax? Are they doing (or will they do) the same for any other siblings? Families are funny things like this....I have one set who are desperate to sort the money side before anyone dies (realistically in the next 20 years) and another set who still talk about everyone joining in to pay for family meals! You can't win, but inheritance tax would take the edge off for me......

trainersandaches · 18/11/2014 15:12

Running I am in the same position and my DH also felt uneasy.

We have thought about it for two years and got better-paid jobs so we can afford the mortgage and aren't just receiving handouts from my DPs.

We will pay them the sum back, plus half whatever the increase in value is, when we move.

emotionsecho · 18/11/2014 15:14

At the moment your dh's relationship with your parents is as equals, you have intimated that they do interfere already and your dh no doubt feels he will no longer be seen as an equal in their eyes if you accept the money on the terms proposed.

Money handed over as a gift with "Here is some money to help towards your new house" is different to money handed over as a gift but with specific instructions/strings attached to it "We are giving you some money to add to your deposit so you need a smaller mortgage". Maybe that's the issue here, in the first instance you use the money for whatever, even a bigger deposit if you so desire, but you decide what to do with it, in the second your parents are handing the money over for one purpose only, it's not your decision how you use the gift it's theirs.

mynewpassion · 18/11/2014 15:19

I think you're discounting his concerns about your parents' interference. You think you only hear of it but I think he does hear it, too, and that is why he's hesitating.

Greengrow · 18/11/2014 15:23

He cannot prevent it. You're an adult. You can take the money. Make sure it's just ear marked for you and there is a written loan so on divorce he is not allowed to claim it. That way he is not being given anything and can maintain his moral purity (and your parents can prevent the husband getting the money if you split up too - win win all round).

Davsmum · 18/11/2014 15:24

I think that would just cause more problems Greengrow

Greengrow · 18/11/2014 15:26

It will call his bluff. If his being difficult over this means it comes in as a loan not gift then he is not beholden. Perhaps he could pay interest on it too.

Davsmum · 18/11/2014 15:32

I don't think he is bluffing. He doesn't want their money.

LightastheBreeze · 18/11/2014 15:36

I think he is being sensible. It's different getting the money in an inheritance, then you are not beholden to anyone.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 18/11/2014 15:45

ask him if he could afford it, if he would want to do that for any children he had? so whats the difference? (assuming he says yes of course)

sanfairyanne · 18/11/2014 15:47

get it put in accounts for the kids instead

Original poster
runningandjumping · 18/11/2014 17:09

thanks for your answers so far!

OP posts:
AryaUnderfoot · 18/11/2014 17:33

I am in a similar positionn but the other way around - my in-laws are 'helping us out' with our extension.

DH and I have been married for 18 years and haven't asked for any money from parents before (we didn't ask this time).

In-laws are pretty well off. They inherited a lot of money from DH's grandparents, but not until they 'didn't need it'. As a young couple with kids, they really struggled (as most of their generation did as young families in the early '70s).

They have been clear that it is a gift and not a loan. I felt pretty uneasy about it at first but it's their money and they want us to have it. DH convinced me that they'd have felt a bit upset if we'd then gone and borrowed the money on a mortgage.

I don't feel it's my place to make the decision - it's about DH and his relationship with his parents. My relationship with the in-laws has been up and down over the years, but is ok now.

As far as being 'beholden' to them - I think that can end up happening whether money is gifted/loaned or not. My Mum absolutely loathed her step mother, but still ended up feeling obliged to 'look out for her' for years after her father died. She had never given her a penny.

Topseyt · 18/11/2014 17:38

My parents have often gifted money to my sister and I over the last few years.

We don't ask for it. They have done it in the hope that it will minimise the level of inheritance tax we will have to pay when the time comes if at least one of them has survived 7 years or more beyond the date of the gift (don't really like dwelling too much, obviously). Otherwise, 40% could be lost to IHT.

Is that part of your parents' thinking? If so then it is very reasonable of them, and rather silly of him to be digging his heels in.

Accept it, if it won't cause your parents any hardship. If he remains stubborn then as others have suggested, get it ring-fenced as yours when the house purchase goes through. The solicitor can organise that.

Sixweekstowait · 18/11/2014 17:52

I helped my daughter and her husband with a substantial deposit and seeing them in a nice sized home with a manageable mortgage brings me so much pleasure. I know I have made life better for them and hope they never feel beholden to me in any way. She would get all the money later anyway and it makes so much more sense for them to enjoy it now .

Viviennemary · 18/11/2014 17:57

I think he is within his rights to disagree with your parents offering to help out. If it was a smallish amount I'd say talk him round. But re large amounts If one person isn't happy then I'd say it was a no. He will only be resentful.

hackmum · 18/11/2014 18:14

I'm with your DH. But I have always really disliked the idea of being beholden to anyone, and so just wouldn't accept any offers of financial help.

syne · 18/11/2014 18:22

Ask him if he'd ever give his children money for their deposit? I don't see any difference, if he says yes, he would. Then simply accept the gift/loan and move on.
From what I've read your family wants to help out family which includes him now.

addictedtobass · 18/11/2014 20:07

I think it's fair enough to be worried. What you could do is when you buy the house, you have it written in via the solicitors that your parents have give X amount and on sale of the house will be given it. Less beholden that way and they have no standing to interfere.

Babycham1979 · 20/11/2014 15:58

Good for him! You should respect his wishes and his desire to be independent. It's no fun feeling like you're in-hock to someone, especially if they're your outlaws!

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 20/11/2014 16:07

I'm probably more with your husband on this. I hate feeling indebted to people, and being given large sums would fall into that.

If on the other hand they told me that they were trying to ditch cash before it got inheritance taxed - they I could probably accept it (provided that it was all never mentioned again)

skylark2 · 20/11/2014 16:12

"If on the other hand they told me that they were trying to ditch cash before it got inheritance taxed"

That's what my parents said, basically "this is coming to you anyway, but if you have it now and we live 7 more years you won't get inheritance taxed on it."

I hope and expect that they'll live a darn sight longer than that!