to not want to make a round trip to London (from Cheshire) the Sunday before Xmas?

[tallulahdula]

Apologies for the long thread - I have a dilemma. My dad and step mum live in London and have asked today if DH, DS, DD and I would like to go and have a Christmas get together with them on Sunday 21st December with my other brothers and sisters (siblings have no kids between them). He hasn’t seen much of his grandkids this year due to ill health.

The day would involve drinks at his flat then lunch out. They live in London, we live in Cheshire. He lives in a beautiful flat with low tables covered in glass ornaments, white carpets etc etc. DS is 15 months, typical boy and will be crashing around the place, putting small items down the loo, emptying kitchen cupboards, climbing the xmas tree. It is not a child friendly flat and sitting down to a 2 or 3 course lunch in a restaurant as well (it’s a very smart one) will be so stressful. DH and I will be doing everything trying to keep DS sitting at the table (Dad and SM have Victorian very firm ideas about how children should behave) whilst trying to have a conversation with the rest of my family.

I feel I should go because it would make my dad so happy (has just had the all clear from illness) but it will be so stressful for me and DH. It will also involve a round trip to London in a day the Sunday before Xmas. DH and I have work on the Monday and DD’s bday party and our streets Xmas drinks are on the Saturday before (have offered to help organise/do the catering for the party), so we can’t extend the stay in any way.

Should I just get over myself and make the effort? AIBU? He has said we could arrange something in the new year if we can’t make it.

I think try and go too, with a chat beforehand with your father to try and plan a way of dealing with DS. Warn your father you or your DH will have to take him out for a run-around at intervals. Could there be some screen time (e.g. on an IPad) involved at any point?

I feel for you, I've got a trainee commando myself (female).

Without wanting to guilt trip you in any way, your father is getting on and has been ill. Take all the chances you can for gatherings of the clan, family visits etc. Just feel free to reshape them into something that works for you and your DS.

I'd go. Your DH can take him out for a bit if it all gets too exciting, warn parents to raise important ornaments out of reach and pack new little distractions that he can open during the day. Plus the ipad have a great selection of apps designed for little ones.

Plus I think I'm with bogey on this. I have a toddler and no way would those things be happening. Attempts sure, but not actually doing it.

I've been there (survived Christmas with in laws in a house full of beautiful glass etc all within easy reach of a toddler). Its exhausting to be constantly monitoring and minding but its also so important to spend time with family. It wont be possible to keep a little one sitting at a table for 3 courses but I imagine your siblings would love to take turns entertaining and taking him for a walk. Enjoy!

Go.
Treasure the fact that your Dad really wants to see his grandchildren.

There are lots and lots of adults who will be able to help keep the little one out of mischief. You won't be able to take your eye off him - we've had that in my parents' house, but as long as you can contain him in one room with you (or someone else) sitting on the floor playing with him, it will be fine. You'll be able to chat. Can you rope in your siblings to take him for little strolls for 10 mins - just to give you a break at the restaurant.

I remember days we'd all be up there with toddlers, utterly shattered once we'd got them into bed and then younger sister (no kids at that time) would want to play sodding Monopoly at 11pm.

Sadly both my parents are dead now and I'd give my right arm to have those days back again.

I wouldn't go if it had to include lunch at a restaurant which may not be terribly child friendly.

Getting a boisterous 15 month old who will have been in a car all morning to sit in a high chair for a couple of hours whilst adults linger over lunch would not be my idea of fun.

Could you go for the day but just suggest not going out for lunch. Or maybe go with just your older DD?

Or I would push back to after Christmas when it is a bit quieter everywhere and you could perhaps go for a couple of days.

And my experience of going out for lunch is that other people will be enjoying their food/wine and will not want to take your 15 month old out for a stroll in the cold/rain whatever.

I would go, but go well equipped. Pack a bag of entertaining toys and games that your son will love. Pre warn about ornaments and precious items, perhaps pop out to the local park or go for a walk before lunch to "wear him out".
I took my two everywhere when they were toddlers, I just pre planned the shit out of every trip/lunch/dinner.

On occasions like this DH would take charge of the kids and let me chat (and other way round if its his family). I find accepting I'm entertaining the children and letting DH enjoy an occasion much more enjoyable than trying to carry on adult conversations and half giving my attention to or nagging DS1. Could DH be fun daddy and let you enjoy the day? You may well find family happy to entertain your children anyway.

I always worry a lot about occasions like this and they are always better than expected. Also your Dad will probably be less aware of DS being a handful than you are. He'll just be happy to have you all. I've apologised for DS1 before and got a (i think genuinely) surprised reaction.

Does London Zoo have a decent(ish) restaurant? That would be my plan (and my Dad would love it!)

I would join my family for the lovely adult treat they have planned, but on my own.

There is no way I would subject my children, my DH, or myself to death by toddler in a naice restaurant.

If you have to spend the whole time trying to entertain the little one, what's the point of going?

I would go on your own, and invite dad and partner up for a weekend after Christmas. Much easier for your kids to be in their own environment.

Your child isn't too young to learn that he shouldn't be flushing things down the loo and being a general nuisance. If my child was as badly behaved I don't think I'd inflict him on others who were trying to have a nice day out and a meal. I think a more family friendly eating place would be more sensible.

I assumed the OP was exaggerating a little regarding her 15 month old's behaviour. But even if she isn't - he is still a baby!

hang on a sec

at what point do we stop living because we have children?

I have four dc youngest dss has just turned 3 and believe me when I say that he can be a nightmare.

we have just returned from a 600 mile round trip to attend a party and would never have thought not to attend because of the dc and boisterous behavior.

OP you cannot keep your children away from family events or meals out because you dont quite fancy the aggro. ..yes it can be exhausting but a little forewarning to your dad and I bet when you get there people might help you out.

You are making excuses imo.

I'd echo the suggestion of a potential girly day out for you and DD, she may enjoy a train journey just the two of you and it could be sold as a special 'grown up' birthday treat. DS and DH can have fun at home.

pop him in a playpen while at your dads?

surely family members will want a cuddle too?

when out for the meal he will have a highchair..take toys etc with you.

I reckon you may be over thinking.

go and enjoy for what it is. family is chaos...especially around Christmas time

He's probably nothing like as bad as you think. Sorry my post was over the top.

I'm an expat. Last month I landed at Heathrow and drove 4-5 hours north after a longhaul flight with a one year old and three year old to see my family. I agree that restaurants with small people aren't necessarily an easy thing to negotiate, but it's one day, it's your dad and it's Xmas.

Incidentally, I used to live in London and would drive up and down the M6 regularly. It's not that bad a journey. Seriously. There are decent service stations and you can stop off en route if you need to. YABU I'm afraid!

I definitely think you should go, but I think you should raise the concerns that you have with your Dad. E.g. 'Dad, I can't wait to see you, but I'm a bit worried about your lovely place. DD is tiny and liable to make a mess everywhere, and I don't want to wreck your carpets. Is there something we can do to childproof an area of the lounge where she can play? Also, the restaurant - can we make it somewhere informal and family-friendly, as otherwise I am worried there might be a really embarrassing screaming tantrum! I've done a bit of research, and X, Y and Z sound like good places. Would you mind?'

Hi All and thanks for your messages. You are right, we should all go. Its the time of year to make the effort and for one day.

I like the suggestions of getting some of the journey out of the way the day before and will look into going on the train too.

I was exaggerating the behaviour, he wouldn't climb the xmas tree but he certainly is a bouncy boy - cue roping in doting aunts and uncles.

Thank you also for the activity suggestions and I've just remembered I've got two Vallium tablets left over............

You are making excuses here. DS won't be doing those things because you will be there to stop him. Sometimes we hazve to put ourselves out for family, especially if you live distantly.
However it does seem like they haven't considered the needs of young children in the arrangements. Why not chat to your dad, explain that DC won't be able to cope with plans as they stand and see if they can be adapted?

I would leave the dc at home with your dh and go by yourself to enjoy a catch up with family.

Invite your dad and stepmum up after Xmas, or meet them halfway at a National Trust property where your dc can run around.

I would go but either on your own or with DD and see if you can find a less smart more child friendly venue for the lunch.

We certainly didn't let DS stop us doing things, but on the other hand, during the toddler years we used babysitters if we wanted to go anywhere smarter than Pizza Hut

It does sound like a lot of hassle for what will be not a fun day for you (that age is a nightmare, you can't talk and reason with them, but they can be very fast and bouncy, it's the worse age to be in a family un-friendly flat then meal).

How about calling your dad, saying that you'd love to see him, but as it's not going to be a very family friendly day - that your DCs won't enjoy the long journey or meal, so your DH will stay at home with the DCs and you'll go on your own. Then say that you'd love to have him and DSM up to visit when suits them, maybe for a weekend in the new year if they can't do it over Christmas.

You and everyone else will have a better day if you aren't trying to control small children. you can get the train down and back in the day to make it easier, if you book it now, you should be able to get cheap deals.

I wouldn't go - I would leave it til the new year when stresses and expectations are lower. Christmas seems to raise everyone's expectations of family time - people have visions of a brilliant family day with well-behaved children, fabulous conversation, etc etc. it rarely happens like that and I wonder how much your dad would really enjoy the day as it is currently planned? Your DC will have been stuck in a car or train for ages, then you'll arrive at an immaculate flat, then off to a posh restaurant with GPs who are strict on behaviour.

The idea upthread of going to London zoo is fab - that in the new year, with you all staying over in a local B&B or apartment hotel so you all get more time together, or even a day out in London followed by dinner out somewhere smart with a local babysitter at your dad's for the children, could be really lovely and relaxing and much more conducive to a proper family catch-up.