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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how much you parents spend on your dc's at Xmas

64 replies

Kab13 · 17/11/2014 13:42

I feel £200 on a 22mo is a bit excessive? I don't think we would even spend that on dd...
By all means, put some aside for savings for dd but £200 on a tou kitchen? Don't they say kids get more expensive when they get older?
Concerned she's going to expect an iPad by the time she's 3 if they spend this on Xmas now.
I'd say £100 for Xmas is PLENTY.
Opinions?

OP posts:

Artandco · 17/11/2014 14:46

Oh and I wouldn't worry at all tbh. Grandparents like spending money. If they spend more on say toys, then you can spend that elsewhere

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 17/11/2014 14:53

i dont think your DD will be turned into a spoiled brat by having a nice kitchen.

However as your own financial situation seems below theirs. I can totally understand your frustration at the amount spent.
Especially when an annual pass would have been far more useful and better utilised.

Can your DH have a word...and say as you cant afford an annual pass your not happy with 200 spent on a kitchen when the current best kitchen is 45 at ikea ( can be hacked to look amazing).

Something that could SHOCK her out of spending that much is saying....if you get it do you mind if we sell after a while?

also buying a kitchen is a large item for you to have in your own house unless its large.

Unfrotuanlty this shows its all more about her than the child...

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 17/11/2014 14:57

Prob £100-200 each. Only two grandchildren in family though wow

Ours are only two as well. I imagine its about £30 if that for older and £10 for younger and my pils are extremely wealthy.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 17/11/2014 14:59

The thing is op, you can get so many toys free now...we get loads from freecyle, charity, car boots so it does irk me when people buy toys, because I get loads for free....

we are all in tough times, it sounds boring but I would prefer clarkes shoes vouchers, annual passes, amazon vouchers ( books) and things like that....

Frogme · 17/11/2014 15:00

It's a kitchen. Dd won't know it was £200 or £20 and won't even when she is 5+. Agree that direct them to playhouses, climbing frames and trampolines as she gets older.

When she does get to an age where she can compare how much you and they spend, then explain it away as you spend your money on looking after her and bring her up. Pils don't have to do that any more as their children are grown up. So isn't she lucky that they are able to spoil her.

She won't love you any less because you spend less.

Any child who is disappointed with what they have, haven't been brought up to appreciate things IMO. They can have plenty but not be spoiled. It depends on how things are worded.

DefiniteMaybe · 17/11/2014 15:00

My mum and dad aren't together anymore, she spends about £20 per grandchild he spends £30. Mil aims for £50 some years we let her, others we encourage her to spend less because £50 from a grandparent feels like way too much.

Original poster

Kab13 · 17/11/2014 15:00

I don't want to deprive my dd of things we can't afford, ie a £200 kitchen. (Actually we probably could but I think it's a silly thing to spend that much on)! I'm not sure she will even really get the whole to kitchen thing for anther year! But I just think £200 is a lot especially for such a young child, I think they will be buying her very expensive presents as she gets older, new phones, iPads etc and that's what makes me feel uncomfortable. £200 is bad enough but reflects how much they are willing to spend to spoil her even when she's so small.
I'd much rather an annual pass but i just don't see it happening.
They end up spending about £350 on each birthday and Xmas. How the f*ck are we going to ever spend £700 on presents between dec and feb?
Doubt she will appreciate anything when she's older that anyone else gets her. My mum can't afford that kind of money, she has 6 grand kids to pay for and I know it gets to her she can't treat dd like mil does.
Guess I'll just try and get dd to appreciate to smaller things in life and hope for the best!

OP posts:

GreenShadow · 17/11/2014 15:04

Our two sets of Grandparents have generally spent about £20-£30 on each DC. My father has 5 GC and DH's mother has just our 3 to buy for.
It feels about right.

Badvocinapeartree · 17/11/2014 15:04

My mum (widowed and a pensioner) spends £50 on each gc at Xmas (she has 5)
My pils are much more well off and prob spend £100 each at least - but my 2 dc are their only gc.

Frogme · 17/11/2014 15:07

It's a good lesson in life to know that different people have different amounts of money to spend and the amount they spend does not reflect on how much they love you.

They will be surrounded by people who are better or worse of than themselves, when they are at school. They can be taught that your dms smaller gifts are given with as much love as pils more expensive gifts. They will only be spoilt brats if you let them be.

Original poster

Kab13 · 17/11/2014 15:07

I would be much happier with £30-£50 my nana used to get me a little present and £40 in a card. I remember feeling so lucky to be given that much money! If someone (even my own parents) spend £200 on me I would be A) incredibly shocked and B) very grateful but it seems to have become the norm to spend hundreds of £ on children for Xmas.
To me, it's not what Xmas is about and feels wrong.

OP posts:

Tutt · 17/11/2014 15:07

Of course she'll appreciate as she gets older as long as you teach her values.
My 18 year old appreciates all/any gift and my Mum has spent thousands on him ( her only GC), thinks nothing of spending £500 plus.
I don't spend that and it's not a competition, he also doesn't see her as a cash cow, he never asks her for anything and saves for things he wants... what I'm saying is just because a Grandparent wants to spoil a child doesn't mean that child will be spoilt.

Frogme · 17/11/2014 15:07

Off

Notso · 17/11/2014 15:07

When your DC's birthday is shouldn't make a difference on what you get her. My 3rd child's birthday is in December but I don't get him less than my other three DC at Christmas, it's not his fault he was born then and he has to wait 11 months before he gets any other presents unlike the others who's birthdays are spread out through the year.
When we just had DD we were very skint. DD was then the only grandchild and both sets of GP's bought her a lot for occasions. I was always grateful that my parents and PIL kind of made up our shortfall rather than it making me feel inadequate.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 17/11/2014 15:10

why cant your dh have a word with her

Gruntbaby · 17/11/2014 15:10

Don't try to compete and anyway the Ikea kitchen, which comes in at around £80 with the microwave bit too is superb, sturdy and looks good.

I feel your pain - my parents buy a ridiculous number of presents for our children, meaning that to avoid spoiling them we can only buy them one present each (between £20 and £150 depending on what they want). We have a high income but don't want to spoil them and I encourage my children to donate some presents to shelters for women and children who've escaped abusive homes with no toys.

We don't even get to do their stockings It also causes difficulties with my in-laws who buy one present for each child. Tbh the total value is probably similar but it's the sheer number that's over-whelming. We don't want to be ungrateful to our parents but it does cause problems. We've had words but it hasn't helped.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 17/11/2014 15:10

or sell the kitchen on ebay and buy a pass

Original poster

Kab13 · 17/11/2014 15:10

It does make a bit of a difference. Because a) we only have 1 child so dd isn't treated any differently to anyone else and b)me, dd and dp all have birthdays around Xmas so we make the birthdays a big present and Xmas lots of little gifts and special time with family (which is what it's about).
We can't afford £200 on Xmas and then £200 a month later, we could afford it in the summer because we'd have more time to save but it's just not the case.

OP posts:

Bilberry · 17/11/2014 15:13

My parents £10 each normally, there are lots of grandchildren but it is a bit random as normally someone gets £100 or more spent on a big present. Not necessarily the poorest of us. Can't follow the logic. Makes it a bit embarrassing for the (parents of the) receiver of the expensive gift.

My mil plans to spend about £40 each but normally ends up spending twice/thrice that on the dgc who live close by.

It is what it is, we appreciate whatever gift they give. I'm just be pleased the GP are still around to give them (the GP are all quite old). We don't open the presents together as live too far apart so that probably helps.

HRMumness · 17/11/2014 15:15

I think my parents spend about £50 to £100. My PIL probably spend about £50. Our DD is the first GC on both sides. We probably spend about £150ish ourselves. However, I will only buy one or two tiny things for our DD2 who is due any day and will probably start to put away toys to give to our DD2 in the following years. As we live on the other side of the world to our family, it only tends to be us and DGP who buy and maybe 1/3 of our siblings so we do overcompensate for that but I also rarely buy things the rest of the year for her.
When I was little my GP used to spoil us rotten all the time but I never felt angry at my parents for not being able to do the same. They spent the rest of the year looking after us. I also don't think the IKEA kitchen is all that, I'm planning on getting one for DD that is more expensive as it has a washing machine / fridge etc.

Frogme · 17/11/2014 15:16

You are still trying to compete. Don't bother. Spend what you normally spend and don't worry about what other spend.

I have however, banned certain things being bought, on space grounds. If they had gone against my express wishes I would have insisted on taking it back to the shop or I would have sold it. If it is really important lay down your rules or sell them afterwards. They will soon get the message.

Whilst I think you are wrong to think you will appear inadequate I don't think you are wrong to set boundaries if you want to.

Themirrorcracked · 17/11/2014 15:16

kab13

Could you try and look at it purely in the sense that it will be nice for your dd to have the things? (If they are things she will like that is)?

My ds will get a lot of things from his many grandparents, large extended family etc, more than we could afford to buy him... I just think it's nice for him to have them, and I can't provide them, so I'm glad that someone else is (not to say we don't provide for him... I just mean big expensive not necessary things).

Notso · 17/11/2014 15:33

You've known when her birthday is for 22 months though it's not as if it changes.
We have 6 family birthdays in December, I put money away in the months we don't have as many so it's not a massive expense in one month.

I don't understand your problem here really assuming you can fit what I assume to be a big item in your house. At 22 months your child won't care if it cost £2 or £200.
If you enjoy keeping Christmas small then you keep it small. There is no reason to match MIL, it's not a competition.

Cannotbelieveit · 17/11/2014 15:39

MiL (has 6 GC) gave £65 between DS1 and DS2 (aged 19 months and 6 months) so it went towards the ikea kitchen and bits for it. My parents (have 3 GC tho only my boys live in this country) will have probably spent about £100-£150 by Christmas.

Eastpoint · 17/11/2014 15:42

£25-30 on each child, depending upon what they want. 5 grandchildren in total, all teenagers. My father is not poor - owns own home mortgage free, has a newish car in receipt of pension but still works.

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