Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

About this woman from my NCT group?

72 replies

Tealrhino · 16/11/2014 19:44

I am seriously considering distancing myself from my NCT friends because of this woman.

Our babies are now 4 years old. Ever since we started attending NCT classes this woman has been the leader of the group; she is very attractive, with a seemingly glamorous lifestyle, and in addition is very outspoken and opinionated. She isn't a particularly nice person IMO, and has a way of forcing her opinions on you so that you don't dare to think anything else. However the other ladies from our group seem to think that she's great; they hang on each and every word that she says and go along with whatever she says. We all still meet up fairly regularly.

This woman is so hypocritical; basically we have to listen to her lecturing us about a particular subject and about her viewpoints on it, then when it suits her circumstances her views will take a complete turn and then we've all got to be lectured on the new viewpoint. To give an example, when we were all pregnant she lectured us all on how epidurals weren't necessary and how she didn't agree with them, and in all honesty made me feel that I'd be a total failure if I had one! However she then had her baby and had an epidural! We then had to listen to lots of talk about her extenuating circumstances and about how she really needed an epidural.

Then it was breastfeeding; I formula fed my DS from birth. She BF her DS for a few weeks and lectured us all. Her DS was around the 6 or 7 week mark when she stopped breastfeeding, and suddenly we were all getting lectured on formula feeding and told about how apparently formula isn't much different from breast feeding these days.

A recent thing when we did school applications this time last year was about OFSTED reports; her catchment school doesn't have a very good OFSTED report, but my local one does. When I mentioned which school we had applied for she went on for ages about how the OFSTED ratings do not matter and how she would far rather her child went to a school that he felt comfortable in, than worrying about all that academic stuff! Next thing she has decided to apply for a different school, which is an outstanding Ofsted rated school, and we haven't heard the end of it ever since! Her son got into the school and she is always talking about the school's rating and about how important it is to send your child to a good school.

Another thing that has annoyed me is she basically laid down the law to us all when we met up a few months ago and said lets all not brag about our DCs to each other or do FB posts about childrens' achievements anymore, and how it's best to keep our childrens' achievements to ourselves, as all children are different. Everyone nodded their heads like nodding dogs. However all this woman does is put braggy FB statuses up about her son, and how he can do this and that, and how she's so proud of him, and how at parents' evening last week she was told that he's the most advanced child in reception. Of course then she was fawned over by the rest of the ladies from our group.

It's getting to the stage where I really feel that I cannot have my viewpoints any longer, and this woman is really getting on my nerves. I like the rest of the women in the group but they are all quite easily led, and seem to really idolise this woman.

AIBU to stop meeting up with them all?

OP posts:
AlexD72 · 16/11/2014 23:28

She is not what she seems. I can imagine her lording it up with you lot and going home where no one listens to a word she says!
She also likes to lecture the group. Who has the right to tell you if you can talk about your children on Facebook? Of course her child is the most advanced in reception! What a load of rubbish.
There's something not quite right with people like her. She worries too much what people think of her. I wonder why? Insecure? Unhappy?
I'd be tempted to get to know her better to see why she acts as she does.

Blu · 16/11/2014 23:40

If you do have other friends in the group and enjoy meeting up I would challenge her a few times. Ofsted top rated school? Just laugh and say 'you do make me laugh. AlphaWannabe, last week Ofsted reports were not worth the paper they were written on. You change your mind more often than the English weather!'

fassbendersmistress · 16/11/2014 23:45

Ditch them. She sounds like very hard work and the rest a bit pathetic.

You were only thrown together with this group by chance of your due date. You don't have to stay friends with them and you'll find other like minded mums at school.

DoJo · 16/11/2014 23:49

I can't help thinking that you can't really like the rest of the women in this group if you think that they are just 'easily lead' rather than actually agreeing with the other women? Everyone has the right to change their mind about things, and sometimes when you are forced to make a decision which goes against previously strongly held beliefs, you want to talk around the subject to reaffirm that you have made the right choice. Maybe she lacks confidence and has to 'talk herself' into things which she feels have been taken out of her hands. Maybe she is just a dick, and you have been enabling her dickishness for four years by not challenging anything she has said.

Whatever the truth is, I don't understand why you would have trouble ditching a group of people that you don't actually seem to like very much. I'm sure they would rather that than you meeting up with them and resenting the time spent in their company, and you would have more fun spending time with people that are more on your wavelength.

kiwimumof2boys · 17/11/2014 00:32

There's always one like this in every group! (speaking from experience).
I think it's insecurity. (From her).
Distance yourself . . . bet she's very jealous about you re school!

KERALA1 · 18/11/2014 07:15

Fair enough your group doesn't work but have never understood the sneering about befriending "randoms" who had babies at the same time. Are university friends not randoms whose parents had sex at the same time hence you are in the same year? Work friends are 'randoms" who applied for same job as you at similar time? Don't see why dc related friendships are denigrated whilst friends met in other ways seen as superior?

hellyhants · 18/11/2014 10:39

Ditch them. It's hard because everyone goes on about how they made such fantastic friends in their NCT group and still meet up 20 years on etc and then you wonder why you haven't bonded with your group. But I was the same. My son is 12 and I've not kept in touch with any of my NCT group and haven't seen most of them since the babies were 1. I met one by chance at a running event a couple of months ago. As others have said, you've only been thrown together by chance - due dates being around the same time and that doesn't mean you've anything else in common other than that.

As for the uni friends, well there are thousands of young people in a university and you choose from an enormous pool - whereas NCT groups are 8 people or less. Workplaces usually have more than 8 people as well. I'm not sneering, but my closest, most long-standing friends are either university or workplace friends (and in one case someone I met randomly on a train but now lives in Australia). Nobody I have met via my son.

KERALA1 · 18/11/2014 11:36

I actually feel I have more in common with my child related friends they are more varied in terms of class/occupation. People at work much duller and career focused. Horses for courses just find it abit dismissive this talk of "randoms" happening to have kids at same time. There are lots of ways to meet friends via kids is no better or worse than any other way.

SaucyMare · 18/11/2014 11:39

Kerala, i have worked in 5 companies now, and made a handfull of good friends, so one handfull out of 100 people who i had something in common with as we all had the same job.

Now compare that to 8 people so my friend rate is 6% so from an nct group cant be arsed doing the maths but i'M likely to make 0.02 friends from that group not good odds. People arent sneering they are just trying to say what are the chances of you meeting a good friend in this very small group of people that you only met because you were having babies, not because you actually have any interests in common.

Using my chance at university there were 140 people on my course so i was likely to make 7 friends, which is about what i did make. Once again all people who i had something i enjoyed in common with not just children.

KERALA1 · 18/11/2014 11:43

That said I'm not close to my nct group. My best "mum" friend I met in coffee shop! I don't look at friendships in a statistical sense (?!) but I found having your first baby such a life changer that it really helped having peers going through the same thing. Though obviously not if one of them is an arse as the op is experiencing.

jaykay34 · 18/11/2014 13:45

In most forced groups you get one like this. I would even bet there are others in your group that feel the same as you but don't speak up because nobody else does.

Ditch the group ! You don't need these people anymore. When my eldest went to infant school / nursery etc I was involved in these faux friendship circless and would find myself irritated by others in the group. They are not your real friends - just people who you had something in common with years ago. Time to move on Smile .

youareallbonkers · 18/11/2014 14:06

everyone else thinks she is great except you...

whatswrongnow · 18/11/2014 14:12

newbe, sorry what is NCT group

AppleSnapple · 18/11/2014 14:17

I think I would ditch her, yanbu at all. However, just to fly the flag for NCT groups... Although we were a group of 9, 4 of us stayed in touch and I couldn't wish for a closer, more lovely group of friends. We needed and relied on each other for support when our pfb's were tiny, and now our relationships have matured so we definitely don't talk about our 5 year olds, or their subsequent sublings, all the time! One of my friends went through something so awful during this time and we've all become closer as a result- I can't imagine life without them even though our girls (and boy) are now at different schools, now we meet up in the evenings so it's more about us, I suppose.
I think friendships in general are random, tbh. What dictates whether we get on or not- agree it's all pure chance but I suppose there has to be some common thread to get us chatting in the first place.

I don't have a huge vast quantity of close friends but the ones I have are diamonds.

AppleSnapple · 18/11/2014 14:22

I sent that a bit early (despite the essay!)
What I mean re the friends who are diamonds- life is waaaaay too short to spend precious time with people who are not important to you, of whose company you don't value.

right, that's enough from me!

mum9876 · 18/11/2014 14:25

My NCT group were all really nice. But 2 moved away, then we moved away. I'm still in regular contact with one who now lives near me.

Some of the other groups of mums I've encountered though follow this pattern. I don't understand it at all. It's very bizarre how seemingly intelligent people just blindly follow these types.

You are very lucky that your dc are not going to attend the same school. I was not so lucky.

I think it's the perfect time for you to move on now they're all at school.

ItMustBeALime · 18/11/2014 14:32

As an escapee from a highly dysfunctional NCT group I congratulate you on making the 4 year mark and hearby recommend taking it as a great point to move on.

minifingers · 18/11/2014 14:39

When you say 'lecture' do you mean 'express and opinion you happen not to like'?

Because it's a pretty pejorative word in the context you're describing. I wonder how accurately it describes how she expresses herself?

dipyourfeet · 18/11/2014 15:37

Do you have friends in the rest of the group? If this woman annoys you, you are not obliged to meet her. A lot of people who plan 'drug free ' births end up with epidurals, and a lot of people switch to ff, people are allowed to change their mind s!

aphrodites · 18/11/2014 15:43

yikes, this is why I hired a childminder, Parents at baby groups are the biggest bores on the planet. You don't need to stop seeing everybody else or maybe still invite her and try and change things, in life there will always be that overbearing friend/acquaintance/relative.

Norfolkandchance1234 · 18/11/2014 15:49

Once your DC starts primary school you will make a whole load of new mum friends.

Do not ever invite this woman out to meet your new friends.

Look at threads about wendying, she seems the type.

You should however once they start school arrange to meet up one to one with any of the NCT women you have met for coffee etc. and join them all once in a while if they arrange an NCT get together.

MrsJossNaylor · 18/11/2014 19:16

Just don't see her any more if you don't like her.
Your very lengthy post about all her character flaws made you appear quite needy and insecure, IMO.
If she's such a knob, why are you still seeing her, four years on?
If I were you I would just hang around with another group of friends, rather than people I don't like.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread