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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

About this woman from my NCT group?

72 replies

Tealrhino · 16/11/2014 19:44

I am seriously considering distancing myself from my NCT friends because of this woman.

Our babies are now 4 years old. Ever since we started attending NCT classes this woman has been the leader of the group; she is very attractive, with a seemingly glamorous lifestyle, and in addition is very outspoken and opinionated. She isn't a particularly nice person IMO, and has a way of forcing her opinions on you so that you don't dare to think anything else. However the other ladies from our group seem to think that she's great; they hang on each and every word that she says and go along with whatever she says. We all still meet up fairly regularly.

This woman is so hypocritical; basically we have to listen to her lecturing us about a particular subject and about her viewpoints on it, then when it suits her circumstances her views will take a complete turn and then we've all got to be lectured on the new viewpoint. To give an example, when we were all pregnant she lectured us all on how epidurals weren't necessary and how she didn't agree with them, and in all honesty made me feel that I'd be a total failure if I had one! However she then had her baby and had an epidural! We then had to listen to lots of talk about her extenuating circumstances and about how she really needed an epidural.

Then it was breastfeeding; I formula fed my DS from birth. She BF her DS for a few weeks and lectured us all. Her DS was around the 6 or 7 week mark when she stopped breastfeeding, and suddenly we were all getting lectured on formula feeding and told about how apparently formula isn't much different from breast feeding these days.

A recent thing when we did school applications this time last year was about OFSTED reports; her catchment school doesn't have a very good OFSTED report, but my local one does. When I mentioned which school we had applied for she went on for ages about how the OFSTED ratings do not matter and how she would far rather her child went to a school that he felt comfortable in, than worrying about all that academic stuff! Next thing she has decided to apply for a different school, which is an outstanding Ofsted rated school, and we haven't heard the end of it ever since! Her son got into the school and she is always talking about the school's rating and about how important it is to send your child to a good school.

Another thing that has annoyed me is she basically laid down the law to us all when we met up a few months ago and said lets all not brag about our DCs to each other or do FB posts about childrens' achievements anymore, and how it's best to keep our childrens' achievements to ourselves, as all children are different. Everyone nodded their heads like nodding dogs. However all this woman does is put braggy FB statuses up about her son, and how he can do this and that, and how she's so proud of him, and how at parents' evening last week she was told that he's the most advanced child in reception. Of course then she was fawned over by the rest of the ladies from our group.

It's getting to the stage where I really feel that I cannot have my viewpoints any longer, and this woman is really getting on my nerves. I like the rest of the women in the group but they are all quite easily led, and seem to really idolise this woman.

AIBU to stop meeting up with them all?

OP posts:
I8toys · 16/11/2014 19:57

I did the exact same thing with my group of baby mum friends. I lasted until my eldest was 4 and started primary. I felt drained every time I was around a certain member and it made me feel bad about myself. I just distanced myself and found new friends as my son began school. Best thing I ever did.

JamTarte · 16/11/2014 19:57

YANBU. I've worked with women like this ... no idea why other people feel the need to bow and scrape to them. Best thing is to just cut her out of your life completely. She doesn't want friends, just an audience.

Legohair · 16/11/2014 19:57

Honestly, OP, every time I hear about this kind of situation in RL or on Mn, I say the same thing. These kinds of bores can only operate with an audience, they can't sit solo in their kitchens telling the breadbin about how it should be feeding its baby - so why are you choosing to enable her by letting her hog the conversational limelight and lay down the law? Does no one ever challenge her or laugh in her face after one of her abrupt about-turns on epidurals/bf/OFSTED? Have you never said to any of the others 'X would try the patience of a saint when she gets on her soap box, doesn't she?'

WorraLiberty · 16/11/2014 19:59

I agree with SinglePringle

When you dont like someone, everything about them can be so annoying.

This might be why the others like her, as they don't find her as annoying as you do.

Also you mention 'She is very attractive', that's what made me wonder if you are also a bit low in self esteem? Otherwise I see no reason why you mentioned it.

LaurieFairyCake · 16/11/2014 19:59

5 years without beating her to death with the wet end?

Flowers
CrimboHornedSnowflake · 16/11/2014 20:02

YANBU I distancing myself from my NCT group too, very much the poor relation compared to them so can't keep up with the constant fucking boasting and expensive trips out everywhere. The DC are at school now so we've had a good run.

ILovePud · 16/11/2014 20:02

Life is too short to hang around with 'friends' that you actually despise. Do you like some of the other's in the group though, can you arrange one to one meet ups with them? BTW if she's as irritating as you've made out I bet you're not the only one who feels this way. If she is a Mumsnetter she'll probably be commenting on this thread going on about how awful people like this are, blissfully unaware Wink

SophiaPetrillo · 16/11/2014 20:02

You can't win with people like this. They believe in themselves so totally and absolutely, their hypocrisy and two-faced behaviour never dents their cast iron delusion that they're 100% right 100% of the time. Just distance yourself and you'll feel so much better.

Velomapetite · 16/11/2014 20:04

Ltb!

Tealrhino · 16/11/2014 20:05

Sophia, yes that is it exactly! She has total cast iron belief that she is right all the time!

OP posts:
Catsarebastards · 16/11/2014 20:08

why on earth didn't you just distance yourself from the start? Confused i'll never understand why women maintain these relationships with people they really dislike and then moan and criticise them at every opportunity. life is too short.

SophiaPetrillo · 16/11/2014 20:09

...I speak from experienceTealrhino, you'll wonder why you put up with it for so long when you stop engaging with her.

SophiaPetrillo · 16/11/2014 20:09

...bold fail...Grin

Gawjushun · 16/11/2014 20:13

Leave and use your newly free time to get a hobby. Find some awesome friends who you have stuff in common with other than babies.

I'm glad I was too poor to do the nct antenatal group. They sound a nightmare.

LapsedTwentysomething · 16/11/2014 20:15

Why would you want to remain in contact with any of them of they're drippy enough to hang on her every word and take it as law?

Tell you what, it's been a revelation not to bother with any of the bullshit second time round that i worried about when DD was tiny. I haven't met a single woman who had a DC at the same time as DS and it has been so much more pleasant. Apart from two or three gems (who know who they are, if they're reading) I'm done with it.

whattheseithakasmean · 16/11/2014 20:19

YANBU. She sounds like my sister - I wouldn't choose to hang out with her if we weren't related.

elQuintoConyo · 16/11/2014 20:23

Christ, as soon as baby came, I never went back to my group. Bumped into 1 or 2, said hi and general baby coo-ing, but always had to 'be somewhere' etc.

All you have in common is your children's birthday, as a pp ^^ said. I couldn't be arsed listening to what perfect drug-free sneezebirths they'd all had, when in reality it'd been horrid for about 70% of us.

Gah!

cannotchange · 16/11/2014 20:48

I think it's one of life's great mysteries when it comes to group dynamics. There is often 1 person who dominates things and the group hangs off their every word, they are in control and generally not very nice. I think it is human nature that people want to be part of group, don't want to be excluded and therefore do not challenge. But it is extremely frustrating to feel like you are the only person that can see it, but in reality you are the only person who has a backbone. I understand why you may have hung on for so long as its not that easy to drop the group and go out and find another one and / or other friends.

I am finding a similar situation at DD's school, I was determined to make some friends amongst the mums but these group dynamics have come into play and 1 particular pain in the ass parent is dominating the group. A lot of the parents are nice one on one, but when were stood there in a group everyone has to stand and listen to her talking about herself etc. So now, I often find myself standing on my own as I will not bow down to her.

CombineBananaFister · 16/11/2014 21:03

I think you would not be even slightly unreasonble to leave the group right now and call her out on her ridiculous behaviour.

just because others are willing to be sycophantic and put up with her hypocrisy (probably at the expense of their own principles and morals) then let them be weak willed and fake.

Sometimes the hardest thing is not following the supposed 'norm' when everyone else seems okay with it.

Keep your integrity and leave them too it - cannot abide people like this, and even more so people who let themselves be influenced by them.

Go find friends you deserve Grin

hiccupgirl · 16/11/2014 21:15

I'm impressed you've managed 4 yrs without dropping them tbh.

Can you try meeting up separately with one to two of the others if you get on with them or is that a no-no for the Queen Bee?

BathshebaDarkstone · 16/11/2014 21:18

YANBU. What a ghastly woman. Angry

ChickenMe · 16/11/2014 22:13

Oh no she sounds ridiculous (albeit entertaining)
I was wondering whether to join NCT or not.
I'm put off now.

QTPie · 16/11/2014 22:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Yarp · 16/11/2014 22:25

In all honesty, i'm amazed you managed to stay together with a bunch of randoms you just met by virtue of being pregnant at the same time. I can't think of anything worse than hanging out with the same people and their barely-supressed competitiveness.

Buzzybee123 · 16/11/2014 22:34

I am amazed you have lasted this long, time to move on, you don't need to be lectured by someone who has personal issues about herself, I only managed 6 months before I decided I had better things to do with my time then listen to Mrs 'Control Freak' and Mrs 'Keeping up with the Jones'. I still see a couple of the NCT ladies but don't miss the others :)

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