To know not if my Mum IBU about my Grandad at Christmas

[unfairrornot]

She has asked me for advice and I am unsure.

Background. My Nana died in 1995 and my Grandad has spent Christmas at my parents every year since then. My DP and I go to my parents or his for Christmas. My Grandad cannot come here because he cannot manage the stairs in my house and we don't have a downstairs toilet for him to use so we do not host Christmas, although if he could, we would.

We all live a couple of hours away from each other so having him just for the day is not practical.

My Grandad is very difficult and rude. He has always been a rude man. He can be quite toxic, always has something negative to say, never says thank you or please. Regularly tells me how fat and useless I am. He is also 93 and so this could be his last Christmas (although he is in good health.)

My Mum wants to ask her brother to have him for Christmas. My Grandad has an ok relationship with him, my uncle has checked out emotionally due to my Grandad's rudeness although he does his duty on birthdays etc. It would not occur to him to have him for Christmas so my Mum will have to ask. He lives nearby so can have him just for the day.

Part of me thinks my Mum INBU because he is so difficult and he casts a real downer on Christmas. But part of me thinks that he is so old and he does love us very much, even if he doesn't show it very well, he is very lonely and I think going to my parents for Christmas is the highlight of his year.

My Mum has asked me what I think and I am unsure. I have offered to have us all for Christmas but like I say above it is not practical for him to come here.

Drudgetrudy: There being hours of driving for anyone to reach grandad is is precisely why I suggested it. It sounds as if, currently, mum and dad drive hours to get him, entertain/tolerate him all day (overnight?), and drive hours to take him home again. OP and her spouse show up to help mum and dad on the day, but currently nobody else does a damn thing at all.

This way more family members make a single round trip, but nobody is burdened with two round trips or the effort required to try (but fail) to make grandpa comfortable away from his own home. Plus, people who have built up the habit of not seeing him learn they might ought to make an effort as It Might Be His Last Christmas. (excepting anyone who intends to be No Contact)

It is not unreasonable at all for your poor mother to have a year off. She has done her duty and more over the last 19 years and it is certainly not unreasonable to ask and positively encourage her brother to give it a go.

How old is she?

My in-laws entertained the aged parents who went on to 87,91,89 and 94, as well as two aunts 87 and 82) but they only lived to 71 and 73, leaving not many Christmasses where they got to please themselves.

He might have another 4 Christmases. This is a red herring, IMO.

I do not think your Mum IBU.

What about renting a holiday house an hour or so away from Grandad for you and your mum and dad and saying that you won't be free on Christmas but you can see Grandad on Christmas Eve or Boxing day and go out for a meal. That way you get the actual day off in a nice holiday place and you see Grandad but in a more neutral location for a limited amount of time?

I also think it is reasonable for your mother to have the year off.

May I suggest wireless headphones and a DVD of Westerns for GD this year and a new game for everyone else?

Can you define rude?
if there are aspects of his behaviour that you do not like, as a family, why cannot one of you discuss this with him?

The thing about this "it could be his last Christmas" is partly about societal expectations (respect your elders, even if they're nasty) and partly about the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). It could well end up as being "his last Thursday in August", but if your Mum didn't have him in her house prior to that for that "last meal with the family", no-one would bat an eyelid.

Your Mum has gone beyond the call of duty. Time for her to have a break.

Another 4 Christmases Blu ? Wow,lucky guy.....

I think your Mum is right. She needs a break.
Life is too short to spend with obnoxious people, whether they're related to you or not. Why is he so horrible? From what you've said, he isn't an old man who's become cantankerous due to the pain and sadness of old age, he's always been like this.

Support your mum to take a break and have the christmas she wants.

What does it matter if it is his last Christmas? Why should the last one be any more important than all the other christmases from the past 20 years?

Your mother has done nearly 20 years of having him. She wants one off. It may or may not be his last one but if it is, then no guilt - she still spent 20 years being a good daughter and hosting him for Christmas. She is still being a good daughter even if she wants one Christmas off.

And if he is in good health at 93, there is no saying it is his last anyway. God forbid and all but it could be any family members last Christmas - we don't know. Your mum needs a break and a good Christmas.

If he was 45 99% of the people on this thread would be calling him an abusive bastard. Because hes 93 though he gets to play the "get out of jail card"

So whats the cut off age for allowing abuse. Is it 60 65 75 80

The brother has maybe gone NC for a reason.

So suddenly we're talking "abuse".....

I don't understand why your Mum hasn't insisted her brother takes his turn over the last 20 years.... ?

The brother should host Christmas, everyone pitch in and make mum guest of honor, no work allowed. She can sleep in and wander over for the festivities.
Gift idea for her...stay at a SPA for a few days, maybe you could go with her.

Maybe the old grumpy guy would like a medicinal cookie? May cheer him up.jk.[biscuit to me] Or a glass of brandy? Sat in a chair with a blanket and a tv for his westerns, out of the main area.

Go out somewhere for Christmas - yes it is expensive but has the benefit of others doing the work and people being forced to 'behave' as they're in public. If it's the whole 'it Could be his last Christmas' thing then style it as a treat (and ideally get him to pay!!).

Clawdy this elderly man is emotionally abusive And was also this way when he was younger by the sounds of things.

So at what age does this behaviour automatically become not abusive? Is it 65 70 85. I dont see what difference age makes. Calling the OP fat and useless IS abusive.

My DM called me a whore several years ago which was abusive.......but oh hang on maybe it wasnt because of her age.

If this was a thread about someones abusive husband no one would be saying "its so and sos turn to have him at Christmas."

It is difficult but I reckon your Uncle should take him this Christmas and (hopefully he will be), if he is still here next year then your Mum. At least then if he does play up he won't be ruining this year's Christmas for you.

Your brothers turn to host the old fart upon further reflection.

An update. My Uncle is having my Grandad for Christmas. I have offered to host Christmas for my parents but my Mum is keen to host at theirs so she can have a nice time at home. Your advice was appreciated.

Glad it's sorted out. Your mum just needs to remember, her dad is spending christmas with one of his children, she's not to feel guilty as if he's on his own.

Glad she is having a well deserved break from it. Hope it goes well.