AIBU to beyond pissed off and utterly fuming at this?

[Sopissedofff]

This is a long story, I'll try and keep it short but in absolutely fuming.

I have two Sisters, A&B. Every year me and Sister A go to Sister B's for Christmas Eve. Her husband hates us and all the family. It's the only time we get invited over and if we don't go he makes Sister B's life hell. We don't like going because we have to wait around all day until they say we an come over and we aren't made to feel particularly welcome. We do it for Sister B's sake, to keep the peace and so she doesn't have a crap Christmas with him telling her her family hate her.

This year my Son has come out as transgendered. Sister B hasn't told her husband because she thinks he will go mad. So because of this we have been uninvited to Christmas Eve so he doesn't find out.

I'm absolutely fuming that after all these years of going out of our way to keep him happy so he doesn't take it out on her we've been ousted.

I've told her how I feel and now I feel guilty for upsetting her but I'm still so cross. AIBU.

I have sent her a message saying sorry and that it's so hard to watch her being abused and that she knows where we are if she needs us. She said that she understood why I was pissed off and that she loves me.

well done, i really feel for you. i don't know what the correct response is. my first post was a gut reaction as I too would be angry, but it makes more sense to keep the communication channels open if you can.

has she said why she won't leave?

I think yabu sister a is the one who should be fuming if she still has to go and you get out of the hell that is spending time with your bil

She loves him and he's not like it all the time, that's what she says. I don't think she believes she's in an abusive relationship.

Sister A is now not going in principal.

She loves him and he's not like it all the time, that's what she says.

That's what they all say

What she needs to realise is that the only acceptable amount of abuse is zero. So if he is only abusive 1% of the time, that is still too much.

I know.

I tempted to send her a link to this thread so it's not just us saying he's abusive.

YANBU to be pissed off but your anger shouldn't be at your sister but at her absolute twat of a husband. I think that sending her this thread might be a good idea, so if you do...

Sopissedoff's sister, your DH sounds horrible and you deserve better, don't let him come between you and your sisters who clearly love you very much. No decent man would try to control you like this or make you keep up a relationship with your family in secret, and whatever crap he's trying to feed you about them hating you is clearly just that, crap, they wouldn't put up with him every Christmas eve if they didn't love you.

Christmas is hell in a DV/abusive situation. You're trapped in the house, nothing is open to give you an excuse to go out, there are family relationships to negotiate and possibly alcohol involved too. You spend it walking on eggshells and wondering what will cause the abuser to snap this time. My ex had a total meltdown because I made his tea in the wrong mug. He didn't have a set one, I was just obviously stupid for not realising which one he wanted. He hurled the mug across the room at me and I ducked making it smash on the wall, which made him madder still. So, I think your sister is massively afraid and will try anything to smooth the waters over a challenging time. Please understand and please be there for her if/when the time comes.

Perhaps having to spend Xmas without a visit from you, and with him telling her how much you all ahte her, will help her see that he is abusive. Maybe if the rest of you all get together for Xmas and text her letting her know what you're doing, send pics so she can see the turkey, the cracker pulling, the present opening etc as it goes on, it will help her feel included, and also bring her own sad Xmas with only the bastard to keep her company into stark contrast? That sounds so bitchy. I'm sorry. I've explained badly.

I'm so so sorry for your sister.