AIBU to beyond pissed off and utterly fuming at this?

[Sopissedofff]

This is a long story, I'll try and keep it short but in absolutely fuming.

I have two Sisters, A&B. Every year me and Sister A go to Sister B's for Christmas Eve. Her husband hates us and all the family. It's the only time we get invited over and if we don't go he makes Sister B's life hell. We don't like going because we have to wait around all day until they say we an come over and we aren't made to feel particularly welcome. We do it for Sister B's sake, to keep the peace and so she doesn't have a crap Christmas with him telling her her family hate her.

This year my Son has come out as transgendered. Sister B hasn't told her husband because she thinks he will go mad. So because of this we have been uninvited to Christmas Eve so he doesn't find out.

I'm absolutely fuming that after all these years of going out of our way to keep him happy so he doesn't take it out on her we've been ousted.

I've told her how I feel and now I feel guilty for upsetting her but I'm still so cross. AIBU.

her problems are far greater than yours tbh, you sound like you've greated a loving, supportive unit.

have you encouraged/supported her to try to leave him?

get angry with the sad pathetic twat for destroying your sister, not the poor victim of his vile abuse.

It's very difficult. As a matter of principle, your sister should support you and your family as you have supported her. However - your reason for going over on Xmas eve is to make her life a bit less crappy, not to make yours better. If she thinks that this year your going will make her life even worse, then the reason for your visit is gone. You haven't said whether she also disapproves of your DS, if she does I can understand completely why you are pissed off (I'd be more than pissed off). If she is actually seeking to protect herself and possibly your DS also from a horrible bully then perhaps she thinks she's doing the right thing and perhaps she actually is - perhaps everyone will have a better Xmas if you don't go. So you will still be doing her the favour you've done her every year - trying to make her Xmas less crappy than it would otherwise be. Only this year, you get a bonus too because this year your Xmas will be better.

cross post. call the twat out if he's rude to you.

She is in an abusive relationship. She is doing all she can to make life as easy as possible as she knows what he will do. Chances are what she tells you is not all if it. Please don't take it out on her and accuse her of not being loyal to you. One day she may feel able to make that step to leave so make sure she knows you will support her whatever.

keep asking her how little is she prepared for her life to get?

tell her it's up to her now.

It is very obvious that your sister is being abused. Surely you can see that she is in a very difficult situation and has possibly uninvited you for YOUR OWN benefit. She knows her DHs reaction to your son would make for a very uncomfortable xmas eve for you. Why are you fuming with her?

You can't help someone who isn't ready to be helped.

Op tell your sister that your doors are always open and when she's ready to leave him you'll be there and leave it.

No way I would be doing any more visits to keep the peace.. why are you all dancing to his tune? I seriously wouldn't be able to keep my tongue in my head with him.

Don't be mad at her. She is clearly being abused, and is attempting to make things a bit easier for herself and probably yo, by moving you out of her husbands firing line.

Yes it sounds awful for your son, but there are much bigger, more deep seeded issues going on here I'm afraid.

Do you have anytime with your sister away from her husband?

Now I feel really bad.

I can understand how frustrating it must be for you, and I'm not even sure it's a bad thing to have got upset with her, so she can see what her relationship is costing her. But at the end of the day she is probably in extreme protection mode -- yes, she's upset you, but her husband is in a position to make her life hell 24/7 so that is where her 'loyalties will lie' as you put it.

Please keep seeing her once a week and letting her know you don't hate her and will be there if she wants to leave.

It's probably better to do that than go for xmas anyway, sitting around pretending he's not an abuser and somewhat normalising the situation.

We all dance to his tune for her sake. If I told him what I thought of him he'd take it out on her.

We get an hour once a week with her if I'm not working. In her lunch break so he doesn't know.

What can I say to her now. I've really given her both barrels and she's upset. This is why I feel bad. I think my anger is more frustration at her not leaving him.

x-post

Don't beat yourself up! You are in protection mode about your child and that's valid too. And like I said, she needs to see what the costs of staying are.

But don't cut her off or prove his point that you hate her.

arrgh x-post again

'I think my anger is more frustration at her not leaving him.'

I think maybe you should tell her this.

There isn't really anything you can do.

I'm not going to cut her off, I just need to calm down before I speak to her.

Don't feel bad OP - you didn't cause this situation.

Clearly your priority has to be protecting your DS from BIL Knobhead. You have been released from your "duty" of having to see him so be thankful.

Re DSis abuse situation. All you can do is stay in contact and tell her you will be there for her whenever the time comes. I know it is hard but she is an adult and there really isn't anything else you can do.

Please don't feel emotionally blackmailed into seeing him because if you don't he will "make life hell" for your sister. If you do this you fall into the abuse yourself. Dsis has to see that some people can stand up to her DH, that saying NO to him is possible.That is how you set your example and support her at the same time.

Good luck.

We all dance to his tune for her sake. If I told him what I thought of him he'd take it out on her.

He will take it out on her anyway. If he is an abusive man, OP, there is is nothing you can say/do or not say/not do that will change his behaviour. He will carry on being abusive regardless.

The only person who can change the situation is your sister so all you can do is tell her that you don't like him, he is abusive and you won't be seeing him again. Ever.

If she wants to visit you, she can.

Anything else and you are just enabling her to carry on like this really.

I wish I could just go and kidnap her, bundle her into the back of the car away from him. It's heartbreaking.

Don't underestimate how hard it is to stand by watching someone get abused but to be powerless to stop it :(. We are all allowed to reach breaking point and snap. Leave it for now. Meet her for lunch as usual and tell her you are sorry for losing it, but that it is hard to watch her living in this abusive relationship and remind her she has alternatives. It's all you can do really.

She's not disowning your DS, she's doing what previous little she can to stop some of the abuse, try to remember that, even though it's really hard.
X

I know exactly what you mean x one cousin, one friend... I'd love to do the same x

You shouldn't feel bad. It sounds like you are a lovely mum and a lovely sister.

Now you've made me cry.

Poor you

I would take a deep breath and tell her (again) that you know he's abusive even if she can't see it or isn't prepared or able to leave him. Tell her how frustrating it is for you to stand by helpless and let her know that if/when she chooses to take action that you and sister A will be right there behind her to help in anyway.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/graphic.php

Check out the dominator graphic.

I hope you manage to keep a relationship with your sister.

www.tenuk.org.uk/

This is a very new charity out there.