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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go to Christmas work enforced fun

79 replies

honeyistoosweet · 15/11/2014 20:25

This year my office has decided on a daytime Christmas party.

My department has decided to host our annual Christmas lunch the same day. So from 12-1pm on said day our team are heading out for a three course meal to then return to join the rest of the office for the rest of afternoon in the conference room for the 'party' until 5.30 home time.

Normally, after the department meal we would be allowed a half day and to head off home.

The office party is no alcohol and from what I understand is just food.

Im irritated that it feels like food food food all day long and I'm overly sensitive to this as I have an eating problem and will really really struggle with the day as is. And secondly, surely we we should be able to choose whether we attend the Christmas do? Or is that not how it goes?

On writing this I think it's probably just my food issues clouding my judgement but I feel it's a bit silly going for a full on meal to then go back for another party spread.

OP posts:

VoyagesOfAStarship · 16/11/2014 11:16

OP I think there's definitely an argument that you will be unwell on the day - with stress from what you are having to do. I don't mean you have to say that to your bosses, unless there is s sympathetic one you could confide in - a migraine etc. is a good excuse. But from your own POV, let yourself off if you are just going to find it too hard.

manchestermummy · 16/11/2014 11:20

It's common to have to pay and it's the reason I tend to cite for not going.

Op I am sorry you are having a hard time from people telling you to suck it up and not be miserable. If someone was mortally afraid of heights would you force them to pay to do something like Go Ape? If someone had a significant speech and language difficulty, would you force them to engage in unecessary public speaking?

skylark2 · 16/11/2014 11:28

Would you be okay with it if it was just the lunch? I really don't think anyone will notice whether you eat at the buffet or not (and I imagine a lot of people won't want to that soon after a 3 course meal). I would be in the corner sipping a glass of something and chatting.

I suspect you will be back far later than 1pm anyway. £30 can't be only one course, can it?

I think it's mean for a company to make you pay for a Christmas meal, and probably wouldn't go if mine did.

raltheraffe · 16/11/2014 11:28

As an employer I hate this "pull a sickie" mentality. Sick leave is for people who are ill, not for people who would rather be doing something else.

SmilesandPilesOfPresents · 16/11/2014 11:32

As an employer I hate this "pull a sickie" mentality. Sick leave is for people who are ill, not for people who would rather be doing something else.

Stop forcing people to pay for events they don't want to take part in, then pulling a sickie wouldn't be needed as an option.

A simple, "No thanks, it's not something I'm keen on but you all have a good time" should be sufficient for ANY invitation.

VoyagesOfAStarship · 16/11/2014 11:34

And as I have pointed out, OP is ill, and having to go through this day will exacerbate the stress she is under.

I was never a sickie-puller and I don't advocate it at the drop of a hat. This isn't about OP lying that she's ill to sneak off on holiday. She actually has a good reason to go off sick and if her employer had a modicum of thoughtfulness they wouldn't enforce a party that you have to pay £30 for and not even let people take annual leave. They're asking for it IMO.

Original poster

honeyistoosweet · 16/11/2014 11:36

Well to be fair - I am unwell - mentally unwell at the thought of having to sit down and eat three courses of food in an hour! It's actually giving me panic attacks. And I don't know of I can handle it. The buffet is okay as no one will notice if I eat or not. Meal is a different story - only 8 of us so potentially v. Awkward.

My line manager has asked about my weight but does not know it is anorexia specifically as I have had other health complications recently too.

OP posts:

PowderMum · 16/11/2014 11:55

Honey I don't have an in depth knowledge of your condition, but as a manager if like your manager I had prior knowledge that you had been unwell i would fully understand if you asked to be excused. Can you talk to your manager, not to tell them about your condition unless you want to, but just to explain that because of your past health problems you are going to struggle/have difficulty with the meal and can you work a way in which you can miss it. My suggestion would be to agree that you had a medical appointment. But you are not my employee.
In my last role I had an employee who didn't share food or take part in any buffets etc laid on by colleagues or management, she was not able to confide in me as to why but I was happy to accept her decision.

Cornettoninja · 16/11/2014 11:59

Is there any chance you could get your manager alone for a chat? I think you should have no shame in embarrassing them for putting you in an embarrassing position but I know that takes a certain frame if mind to pull off in a 1:1 conversation. Never mind feeling forced to reveal things that aren't relevant at all in a work setting i.e health issues, personal finances etc.

If you can leave things open to interpretation so your food issues could be anything from intolerances to anorexia and imply that it will leave you in a difficult financial position I would ask for a half days holiday with their quiet support so you can avoid further embarrassment and stress. Sometimes appointments etc. can unavoidably crop up at inconvenient times.

The meal then buffet does sound excessive for anyone, is it worth suggesting instead of the afternoon buffet having a special breakfast buffet on another date? Even without you're other concerns it's daft to have both on the same day and a lovely breakfast spread with nice coffees and teas is a bit different.

Snapespotions · 16/11/2014 12:00

As an employer I hate this "pull a sickie" mentality. Sick leave is for people who are ill, not for people who would rather be doing something else.

I absolutely agree, and would never normally advocate taking sick leave when you aren't sick. However, the OP has anorexia - a mental health illness - and she is feeling extremely anxious about the planned events for this day. Under these circumstances, I don't think it would be unreasonable to ring in sick. She is sick.

rookiemater · 16/11/2014 12:13

OP if you have other health issues then can you say to your manager that you don't want to go to the meal because of these and because it costs £30.

I have no health issues, am greedy and we're financially ok, but I would greatly resent paying £30 for a lunch with work colleagues which I'd have to wolf down. I'd have no problem with turning the invite down.

MarshaBrady · 16/11/2014 12:14

It doesn't sound very enjoyable. So much food, so quickly and having to pay for it.

MarshaBrady · 16/11/2014 12:15

You should be able to skip the lunch and just do the afternoon part.

SuperFlyHigh · 16/11/2014 12:20

One of my workplaces we got so bored with them being boring that we got tequila and vodka and made everyone do at least 1 shot. Then party hats (fez, captain sailor hat etc) and games and presents for the recipient. I swapped my gift for handcuffs! we got our hated female boss a plug in shape of full sized penis and got pics of her forcedly smiling whilst holding it up! Ah happy days....

SuperFlyHigh · 16/11/2014 12:23

Ps I try and bow out of ours now, my bully who temps with us (friend of boss) comes sometimes....

Also it's conveniently located to be near my other evil colleague's home and is a pita for me to slink home from. If my boss dances I can always film and put on YouTube send to you've been framed. and presumably await my p45

Snapespotions · 16/11/2014 12:29

Actually, if the lunch is only from 12 to 1, is that technically in your lunch hour? If so, I'm guessing that time is unpaid, so they really can't force you to go in your own time and with your own money!!

OOAOML · 16/11/2014 13:22

Well apart from the fact it is very unlikely you can go out for a group 3 course meal and be back in an hour (most of these things seem to be very disorganised, with restaurants cramming people in and then making them wait ages for lukewarm turkey) it seems ridiculous to plan a buffet party the same afternoon.

If you are not comfortable telling your boss about your anorexia, but they have noticed weight loss, could you lead them to believe you have a food intolerance issue that is going to make a rushed meal followed by buffet completely impossible for you?

Shockers · 16/11/2014 13:32

What about that dental appointment you have at 12.30 OP? It's not worth you going for the meal, but you might get back for the last couple of hours of the afternoon do...

SmilesandPilesOfPresents · 16/11/2014 13:34

Shockers! That's genius!

MarshaBrady · 16/11/2014 13:35

yep say that

musicalendorphins2 · 16/11/2014 13:39

You're upset, and I am concerned about your comment about visiting the restroom afterwards. Can you arrange to have a private talk with your boss and explain you can an eating disorder, and it is taking all of ying around more eating more than that, and it may trigger you. Tell him you are sorry, but you have to excise yourself from the party.
Or if it would not be something that would help you to do the above, suddenly get ill after lunch. Migraine you fought all day have won?

Carrierpenguin · 16/11/2014 13:41

If you weren't being asked to pay, I'd say yabu. As you are being made to go for a lunch you don't want to go on and you're being asked to pay I'd say Yanbu, can you talk to your manager and explain your mental health problems make this difficult for you to attend?

musicalendorphins2 · 16/11/2014 13:43

Umm, not sure what happened. Try again.
You're upset, and I am concerned about your comment about visiting the restroom afterwards. Can you arrange to have a private talk with your boss and explain you can an eating disorder, and it is taking all of your will power to go to the first lunch, and being around more eating than that is making your anxious, & it may trigger you. Tell him you are sorry, but you have to excuse yourself from the party.

Or if that would not be something that would help you, to do the above, suddenly get ill after lunch. Migraine you fought all day have won?

Original poster

honeyistoosweet · 16/11/2014 14:03

I'm not sure what comment I made about visiting the rest room afterwards? But anyway, I think I will do as others have suggested and just get out the meal and make my appearance at the party. Far less stressful!

OP posts:

t3rr3gl35 · 16/11/2014 14:51

I'm in a similar situation - have recently started a new job where the team is expected to pay for and attend a Christmas lunch during lunch hour and also a Christmas party the same evening. I also have issues with food and I have issues with alcohol too. I have a coeliac disease and resent paying £35 to be given the choice of take the available option or leave the available option and we cannot provide a dessert, although we will still charge the set menu price of £35. My issue with alcohol is that I do not drink and find drunk people somewhat threatening, especially when they start pulling "funny" drunken pranks.

I told my colleagues when I started the job that I would not attend work functions yet they have insisted on choosing a venue for Christmas lunch that caters (badly...) for coeliacs so that I won't be left out- despite me telling them that I did not want them to consider me in their plans - and now are offended that I am still refusing to attend. As far as I am concerned, i have made it clear from the outset that I have no interest in attending and I will not be coerced into attending. I'm paid to work with these people, not to socialise with them and if that makes me unreasonable, then I'm unreasonable and proud!

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