to not have told MIL about dc3 in hospital until things had calmed down

[AllOutOfNaiceHam]

DC3 (11m) has been unwell all week. 36Hrs of constant uncontrollable temperatures above 105F and several trips to see the GP, we were bluelighted to hospital with a HR of 220 and irregular heartbeat. she was taken straight to resus where I spent several hours with her, while they ran every test under the sun and tried to stabilise her heart rate and work out what was wrong with her. We were transferred up to the PHDU late afternoon ish and carried on having ECGs, bloods and constant obs. I didn't even touch my phone for more than 5 minutes to call my husband until 2am, at which time I was completely wiped out.
She improved massively over night and moved to a side room and then discharged by the next evening.
My husband was busy with work and DCs1 and 2, so he didn't tell anyone who didn't cross his path and needed to know about what was going on. I spoke to a friend who came to bring us supplies in hospital because we had left with nothing, but i didn't call my parents. I will probably tell them when we exchange our weekly emails or phone call.
MIL was told a few hours after our discharge, when she moaned about how we hadn't been to her house straight after school to watch her open her birthday presents. she completely flew off the handle at both of us, asking why we hadn't told her, telling us how she needs to know because it's her grandchild, her flesh and blood and that we couldn't possibly understand her point of view until we have GCs of our own. That it's unfair to not tell her, because we are talking about the child of her child here. The tirade carried on for quite a long time. Not once did she actually ask how DD was or what was wrong with her. It was all about her.
I understand that she wants to be told these things, but while in resus, she was the furthest thing from my mind, then we needed sleep. She wouldn't have taken time off work to come an to the hospital, an hour away, or helped out with the other DCs (whom she cancelled on midweek because she was dyeing her hair), so we told her at the first convenient opportunity. If DD had continued to be seriously ill, or stayed in hospital for longer we would have let her know.

This isn't the first time one of our DCs has been hospitalised, and in the past she has refused to help with anything when dc2 was critically ill, made us pick dc2 at 2am from her house when dc1 had to go to a&e with a snapped femur because she needed to sleep so she could go shopping the next day, and last time we didn't tell her until discharge because it was so brief, wasn't serious and it was still all about her.

Did they give you access back when you left for a period of time? If so go straight back. If not ring the peadiatric assessment unit and ask advice. They'll have her records to hand.

Hope DD is ok

I hope your daughter's OK, OP.

Mil a would be 1 of the first people I would call, however she is amazing and an amazing grandmother. She is supportive and I trust her.

Your mil doesn't sound like she would have been any help or support so why waste a phone call to her.

What hampton said.

YANBU and you did nothing wrong.

Your DH should have called his parents and yours at some point within 24 hours, because if someone is that poorly then all their closest relatives should know, including GPs. But it was not up to you to think of that, your priority was naturally being there for your dc and contacting family is naturally not anywhere near the top of your list of things to think of.

Your mil is being very selfish to blame you.

"let's hope there isn't a next time, but if there is then obviously (dh name) should ensure that your feelings are properly prioritized."

i came on to say YANBU after reading OP but now with rash i would be straight back to them (unless they said to expect the rash??)

Depends on the family relationship. My son was in hospital last week - I called my MIL on the way there, told my sister and my sister-in-law (DPS brothers wife). My Mum I didn't bother to inform, and wouldn't have done unless it was serious which it thankfully was not. That is based not on who will be useful but who cares about the children and is connected to them via a strong family bond, and who will pass relevant information on. My Mum is really all about me and my siblings, not so much our children - if I was taken ill, DP would certainly tell her.

Even if in your heart of hearts you think that maybe she should have been told, you get a pass as your baby was very ill. That trumps any obligation to extended family. So ignore the old bat.

I think it depends on relationships too. Theres plenty of things I haven't told my mother about regarding the DSes or myself including hospital visits - but that's because I cannot cope with her incessant worrying and 101 phone calls asking the same questions and her telling me to get second opinions etc etc

How is your daughter now, OP?

While your mil sounds a bit reactionary I think that it's a bit off to not tell close family about a child's admition to hospital. You say you hadn't even told your parents and would mention it to them in a letter at the end of the week? wow. I do understand that your priorities were taken up with your child but I do think that your dh at the very least should have at least let family know the situation was serious.

Imagine if in years to come your dc have children and fail to mention to you if they are seriously ill, or even if they (your own dc) are seriously ill as adults and they don't tell you? I think I would be incredibly hurt if mine did that or even if a close family member was in hospital and I only found out after the event.

Yes indeed wannabe, but wouldn't you be more worried about the child, and less worried about the fact that you did not get the information when you consider you should have ? OP's MIL ended the conversation without even knowing what was wrong with her GC !!

"While your mil sounds a bit reactionary I think that it's a bit off to not tell close family about a child's admission to hospital"

close family wannabe Key point there.

MIL has let OP down spectacularly in the past, causing her to go and get her DC at 2am because MIL didn't want to look after him any more because she wanted to do SHOPPING the next day.

Please don't apply normal relationship rules where there are none.

It's really unhelpful to judge people who have relatives that are frankly crap in NOT telling them something that they don't actually care enough to do anything about.

But she's your DM/MIL/Dsis/DF/FIL/DB/GP doesn't help those of us who have crap relatives.

i guess it depends on the family but if my dd was in hospital i would let all mine know straight away. my sister would do the same with her dd. I know every time she is ill every vaccination every doctors appointment. if I heard my niece was in hospital and I hadn't been told h would be a bit upset although admittedly wouldn't voice that as it would be arsey when a parent has been worried about their child

I think given op still has concerns about her child's health, we could lay off the yabus for a bit

Thanks for the support DD is most definitely on the mend now, and I've finally relaxed a bit. Today was the first day she just had two lightly longer than normal naps rather than sleeping all day (woke at 8.30 then slept 10am-5.45pm on Sunday and went back to bed at 7!) And she's been really happy today.

As for family.. All family on my side live abroad. We have a good enough relationship but my mother overworries and overcriticises and often finds ways to blame me somehow when the children get ill (lack of socks, hard, jumpers, too much heating, not the right food, too much food, dust, mould - you name it, she thinks of it). My dad sort of shrugs and sighs.
They can shrug, sigh and place blame at a later date.

MIL says that she would do something with our children once a week, But in practice she drops by once every 2-3 weeks for an hour with a bag of sweets each.
She says If we needed help ever, all we had to do was ask, but every time we ask she is dyeing her hair, going to a party Or shopping or on holiday.
If she wants to be part of their lives, she is welcome to come and make an effort, but it's been years of disappointments and being let down.

We are quite the pair of loners really.

Glad your little girl is on the mend :)