to not have told MIL about dc3 in hospital until things had calmed down

[AllOutOfNaiceHam]

DC3 (11m) has been unwell all week. 36Hrs of constant uncontrollable temperatures above 105F and several trips to see the GP, we were bluelighted to hospital with a HR of 220 and irregular heartbeat. she was taken straight to resus where I spent several hours with her, while they ran every test under the sun and tried to stabilise her heart rate and work out what was wrong with her. We were transferred up to the PHDU late afternoon ish and carried on having ECGs, bloods and constant obs. I didn't even touch my phone for more than 5 minutes to call my husband until 2am, at which time I was completely wiped out.
She improved massively over night and moved to a side room and then discharged by the next evening.
My husband was busy with work and DCs1 and 2, so he didn't tell anyone who didn't cross his path and needed to know about what was going on. I spoke to a friend who came to bring us supplies in hospital because we had left with nothing, but i didn't call my parents. I will probably tell them when we exchange our weekly emails or phone call.
MIL was told a few hours after our discharge, when she moaned about how we hadn't been to her house straight after school to watch her open her birthday presents. she completely flew off the handle at both of us, asking why we hadn't told her, telling us how she needs to know because it's her grandchild, her flesh and blood and that we couldn't possibly understand her point of view until we have GCs of our own. That it's unfair to not tell her, because we are talking about the child of her child here. The tirade carried on for quite a long time. Not once did she actually ask how DD was or what was wrong with her. It was all about her.
I understand that she wants to be told these things, but while in resus, she was the furthest thing from my mind, then we needed sleep. She wouldn't have taken time off work to come an to the hospital, an hour away, or helped out with the other DCs (whom she cancelled on midweek because she was dyeing her hair), so we told her at the first convenient opportunity. If DD had continued to be seriously ill, or stayed in hospital for longer we would have let her know.

This isn't the first time one of our DCs has been hospitalised, and in the past she has refused to help with anything when dc2 was critically ill, made us pick dc2 at 2am from her house when dc1 had to go to a&e with a snapped femur because she needed to sleep so she could go shopping the next day, and last time we didn't tell her until discharge because it was so brief, wasn't serious and it was still all about her.

you did nothing wrong love.

IF this poisonous witch brings it up again, just look bored and repeat 'me me me me me.. your GC was seriously ill and you haven't asked about her, about anything, you should be ashamed of yourself'

then disengage. she's no use at all to any of you, so cut her loose.

Your Bu thinking YABU

Seriously, your DD was ill in hospital - no explanation as to why no one was your priority at that time is needed.

The ensuing convo should have been simple. A text or call asking why you didn't go round, a reply of dd has been ill in hospital and then a discussion about how she is and how you and DH have coped.

I'd have thought the fact her DGD was discharged well again would have been enough of a present.

That is unforgivable. If she were my mother and spoke to DW like that in such circumstances, we'd be having words.

Totally normal to be wobbly now you finally have a minute to reflect on things having just been so busy doing what you have to do for your family.

With a little bit of time all will be well again but dealing with a drama-llama is not helpful when you're trying to process everything. So just don't. Ignore her and put some distance between you until you're feeling up to dealing with her.

My dd has complex health needs and we often end up in hospital. I don't udually tell any grandparents until we're settled and know what is going on because I can't deal with other people and their emotions. It's a self-preservation thing I think. None of the grandparents have ever shown any hint of annoyance yet.

she should not have shouted at you BUT you told friend or husband did .and he did not phone his mother that was poor show on his behalf .no wonder she mad

I think her reaction was pretty awful, but I do think she should have been told.

I assume your other children go to bed a reasonable time - would it really have been so difficult for your husband to send a quick text or make a phone call in the evening?

You must be completely rung out and shattered.
Any normal person would have been asking "what can I do to help?" (after finding out how DD was now, obviously!), not making it all about themselves.
Sadly, such people do exist and are very hard work.
You did nothing wrong. Your priority had to be DD and DH's to be looking after the other DC. It's not as if she would have given any practical or moral support if you had called her - probably just gone on about herself - again.
She's a selfish cow.
Hope you are getting over all this stress - you certainly didn't need MIL adding to it

I'm glad to hear your little one is better. How terrifying ... hope nothing like this ever happens again!

and in the past she has refused to help with anything when dc2 was critically ill, made us pick dc2 at 2am from her house when dc1 had to go to a&e with a snapped femur because she needed to sleep so she could go shopping the next day,

She lost hte right to expect any consideration from you. Out of kindness if you felt like it, you could let her know when it's possible for you.

But really I think you've been extremely self-controlled in not telling her to look beyond the end of her own nose. Maybe a bit too self-controlled.

Don't give this any more headspace. Breathe deeply, let it go. It's her that has the problem. Not you. You did the right thing and concentrated your energies where they were needed.

Hope DC makes a full recovery. It must have been so stressful.

my ds was injured in an accident this spring, rushed to hospital with burns to 13% of his body.

I told my 2 closest friends AND my other friends from the first ambulance journey, before I texted my 'family' and ds dad.

I told them the next day, while he was being operated on. DM swooped in, regardless of the timings and hospital stuff going on, so came only for herself and bragging rights, this is typical of her. it wasn't on my terms, only hers. DF complained about a painful shoulder due to having had to drive all the way to see us. he'd not seen ds in over a year at that point. hasn't seen him since either. despite 2 invitations i've made. Dsis said she hadn't called me to ask about the 2nd operation as she was exhausted with the mental anguish of seeing him like that for the hour or 2 she spent there previously. DS dad (abroad) instantly told ds/me about having slipped in the shower and having banged his hip. telling me off for poor reception of phone in hospital.

my friends instantly asked if we were ok, what did we need? they came, spent time and helped me get back home to collect my car/some things etc. they rang every day.

when you have a decent family support network (give thanks to god) you can trust and rely on, you call them and they are there for you, for your child.

when you have the shower I have, you love your friends more than your family and appreciate every gesture they make, because they have no obligation to you, but choose to help.

OP, you absolutely did the right thing. the most important thing for your family, and you involved those who care enough to support you in what is truly beyond excruciating.

I too hope your dd is well and truly on the mend now!

Ok... I am obviously in the minority here, but you called a friend to ask her to bring you some stuff.... So you could have called her. my first thought would always be calling any of the 4 grandparents, then asking them to relay it to the others. I love my family, and would be devasted if something awful was happening and no one let me know.

Glad your dc is better.

You're right hissy. I have a wonderful family. (But I also make an effort to be the kind of dil I would love to have one day - mother of 2 boys and all that....)

OP could have called the grandparent, but past experience from an earlier medical emergency in the family led the OP to believe that MIL would not be willing to offer any help or support. In that instance, the MIL insisted that the OP , who was dealing with one child with a serious injury in A&E, collect her other child from MIL so MIL wasn't tired for her shopping trip. That doesn't suggest a person who would be willing to offer support and rally the troops. The friends did offer practical help.

MIL didn't even ask how the OP's child was after being so ill- she doesn't seem that devastated by her grandchild's illness. She's just annoyed about her ranking in the order of importance.

Why would OP ring a person who would be of no practical assistance? And would then probably moan about how it had ruined her evening, given her past and current form? Why add more stress to an already fraught situation?

Her MIL is clearly very different to your family, beautifulbabyboy so it's not very helpful to a person who's been through a terrible ordeal and then had to cope with her selfish MIL who doesn't give a toss about the baby to say what you would have done in the circumstances.

Sounds like we have similar MIL's OP, that's the kind of shit I'd expect from mine. It's really awful that when something so traumatic and upsetting as your child becoming seriously ill happens they still don't seem to care enough to look beyond themselves and how it's affected them. You are so NOT being unreasonable. for you, you've been through such a rough time. I'm glad your DD is better. Ignore the cow.

beautifulbabyboy some people actually make things worse when you get them involved, sharing blood doesn't give people a right to be told things immediately. What was important for the OP was concentrating on and being there for her daughter, not getting people involved who could actually add to her troubles.

she is not unreasonable to be upset about not being told, but is exceptionally unresonable to voice that opinion so vocally. you had to think about your child first and any reasonable person would understand that.

I would be upset if children did not tell me about a grandchild being ill, though that would be becasue I would want to rush to their (parents) aid and do everything possible to support them in looking after their child. SOunds like she was upset because she was not thought of first. completely different.

Of course YWDBU and she does sound like hard work.

Just to look at it from another point of view though; maybe she lashed out because she was worried about her DGD and felt a bit guilty for going on about her presents when your DD was seriously ill? I know it doesn't excuse her behaviour but might help to make sense of why she reacted like that.

I'm glad your DD is a bit better, you must be exhausted.

Outrageous, outrageous, outrageous behaviour on the part of your MIL. I would go so far as to say it's unforgiveable, and I'm normally the person who thinks people are overreacting and not being kind enough in these thread!

In your shoes, I would cut contact for a bit, and offer an extremely emotionally cold explanation of why her behaviour was utterly selfish when pressed. And I would definitely reevaluate the entire relationship.

I hope you and your family have some time to chill out this weekend after such a terrible ordeal.

YANBU.

I agree with PP who advise cutting/reducing contact to a manageable level. She sounds pretty selfish and toxic.

If she starts on you, you have my permission to tell her to shut the fuck up and hang up

Glad to hear DD is on the mend. Spend your time on her, instead of wasting it worrying about idiot MIL

Yes, I suppose my husband could have probably found a moment to text her if he wanted to, I suppose.
I don't doubt that she loves her children or grandchildren, but over the past 10 years she has proven plenty of times that she is pretty selfish. Her and my dad would get on like a house on fire if they didn't live a thousand miles apart..

DD has now come out in a red patchy rash all over.. I'm swinging between wanting to feel reassured that it's probably a post viral rash to utter paranoia that it's something they missed.

Take DD back to the hospital or out of hours docs. It's probably nothing but you need to be sure.

YY to getting her checked out, for your peace of mind as well as her health. You've both been through an ordeal.

I'd have been seriously tempted to say "I'm sorry, I only had time to call people who would help."

YANBU.