To ignore dnephew's birthday.

[FamilySucks]

Hello everyone. There is a long backstory to this. If anyone remembers, I'm the poster with the evil Sil who told me I was too poor to talk to certain people at a wedding. Made me feel like I was a low class fool who couldn't talk to anyone richer than me. I've completely cut down contact for a few years now and am better for it but she and my brother still find ways to stab a knife where it hurts and I feel enough is enough.

Last week it was my dd's first birthday. The year before, on their ds's first birthday, my dd was 2 weeks old and I made time (took baby too) and gave him a present, because a baby's first birthday is important right? I was tired and breastfeeding wasn't going well, but I still went because I wanted to.

This year I took my dad to the hospital on dd's birthday and they called me whilst I was in the waiting area with dad (waiting for doctor to write a prescription) and started singing "happy birthday" down the phone, so I quickly stopped them and told them I was still in the hospital and I'd talk to them when I got home. This, it turns out, was an insult to sil. My brother came to pick up dad and didn't even mention dd's birthday. No one else came with him. No present for dd. Nothing. We'd cut a cake for dd that evening and I mentioned we thought everyone would come and wish her happy birthday and he barked back that I'd put the phone down on sil and his dd's. I replied I was at hospital and dd obviously wasn't with me, so what was I supposed to do? He didn't reply.

2 days later it was dd1's birthday who is now 7. No phone call. Nothing. Not even a text message.

I make sure I go to meet My nieces on their birthdays give them cards and money or a present because kids like that don't they?

I'm sick of family not treating my children the same as I treat theirs.

So it's dnephew's birthday next week and I'm thinking of ignoring it and not going. Does this make me a complete bitch? I really don't know how to play this. Does anyone have any good advice because it really hurts when they ignore my children and the spiteful bitch in me want to get my own back but I know it's wrong :(

Sorry it's long.

Don't go OP for sure and to be honest just send a card. It sounds like your brother isn't someone who brings anything to your life anyway and as time goes on and your DD grows up she will only see more and worse behaviour like this- that's not fair on her. Sadly your Dnephew will probably grow up to be just like his parents.

Post a card and just do cards from now on. Even if they don't bother, do cards to show that you are a) the bigger persona nd b) you care but don't bother with presents because it's likely that unless you are in their good books you DCs will get sweet FA. Imagine if your DD 'insults them' somehow, they'll do the same on her. That kind of behaviour isn't fair to inflict on anyone.

Don't go to visit.

Send moonsand as a birthday present, wrapped in a parcel full of glitter and confetti.

Oh, just spotted that he's only 1.

Get him a really loud drum.

Don't go. Get DN a present or money/gift card and give it to him when you next collect your dad.

So yesterday sil came around to pick my dad up in the evening. She came in and completely ignored the fact they'd missed both Dd's birthday. It wasn't even acknowledged until my dd1 showed her pierced ears (birthday present) and then she made a blasé comment about missing their birthdays. I just looked at her and was about to say something and she cut me off.

Then a bit later she mentioned that they were going to come on dd2's first birthday and then they didn't because I should have phoned them when I got back from the hospital and told them excitedly to come quickly. Yes. She said that excitedly thing. I told her that on that day, I'd come home and quickly helped DH finish off making dinner, fed kids and dad and then carried on painting the living room (redecorating), and I'd expected them to come to celebrate her birthday without a grand invitation. I'd bought a cake and we'd done presents earlier in the day. She was adamant I should have called. I couldn't be bothered with her after she made horrible comments in joke about my ds's teeth and then proceeded to call DD2 a little midget walking. Horrible woman.

dd1 is having a proper birthday party next week and sil claims they'll do a big celebration for her then. It's my Dd's party. I'm organising it. I'm dealing with everything. I don't know what sil thinks her big celebration will be.

Then she told me she'd take all the children to a soft play centre on dnephew's birthday which I gave a "hmm yeah" reply to.

I'm still definitely not going to their house on his birthday. I'm fucking angry now. It's obvious my children don't matter at all, and I must be stupid to take my children somewhere they're not obviously loved or appreciated to celebrate their cousins birthday. Even though I love my nephew, I don't love him more than my own children, and that's that.

I'd ring sil & tell her bday & Xmas presents are off from now on,
don't even ask her, cow, they have already stopped ! she knows perfectly that she is manipulating you, don't play !

I would distance myself from her and take things with a big pinch of salt. Don't give her any details about your dc celebrations

I'd say I've distanced myself from both of them considerably. But they (particularly sil) will always find a way to get to me even without meeting me by saying something to a mutual friend/acquaintance. I haven't seen her in about 6/7 weeks until yesterday. Db I see more often because of dad.

I feel physically drained and anxious after I've met her. .

It sounds hard but you are going to take her with a big pinch of of salt and keep saying whatever to her

Don't give her any ammunition

Yes I think you're right aeroflotgirl, it will be very hard.

I kept going over and taking my nieces and nephew gifts on birthdays because I wanted them to be happy and thought my brother at least would appreciate it. Obviously not. I don't understand how my own family can be such arseholes to my children.

"I don't understand how my own family can be such arseholes to my children"
Because they are arseholes, full stop. And they are arseholes to you too. And by passing on their attitudes to their children, they are arseholes to their own children as well as yours.

I'd even go as far as to say that your SIL thoroughly enjoys needling you. She will positively sneer in triumph when she receives your gift to your nephew.

I repeat - there really are times when 'being the bigger person' is just not appropriate.

Exactly because they are. As long as the children are happy with the gifts that is the main thing.

It sounds like this situation is making you really unhappy.

Your brother is a twat and so is his wife. I would just cut all contact and see your dad. If that means you picking him up and dropping him off, then so be it.

Honestly, they are being cruel for no earthly reason. I don't even understand why they think the things they are saying are legitimate - they sound unhinged!

I completely cut them off for a second time this year after she breastfed my dd2 without my consent (there was a thread about it). Then I don't know why or how contact was made again.

snatchoo, yes she's definitely unhinged.

I'm just worried about looking petty and taking cheap shots to get my own back if I don't give a present. No one even wished my Dds happy birthday. Even a birthday wish was too much for them.

She breastfed your child?!?!?! Why the hell would anyone breastfeed somebody else's child, that's bizarre.

chubbymummy because (as I've mentioned above) she's evil. She's an absolutely horrible person. I can't think of anything she's ever said or done that is nice, and she's been married to my brother for 15 years now.

Sounds like your brother has shit taste OP. Seriously why does he not say anything to her being shitty to his nieces? Forget the present and the birthday, send a card and go out with your Dcs instead. Forget to tell them too, see how they like it and enjoy the bliss that comes with them sulking over it and ignoring you.

Is breast feeding someone else's child evil? If a child is exclusively breast fed and is crying and hungry when not with mother but another adult that could feed them, is that really evil?! Other cultures breast feed babies other than their own if needed.

I would send a card with £10 in it for the birthday. I would however put the card in a big box filled with stones and no stamp on it just to piss her off

Adarajames I remember that thread and it wasn't about the SIL just feeding a hungry baby, it was about her meeting her own selfish needs rather than about the baby, and ignoring the wishes of the OP.

Ok, so slightly different circumstances than a pp yelling about breast feeding someone else's baby being evil!

I remember your thread about her feeding your baby, your right she is evil. I don't think you will ever win with her.

Adarajames I think breast feeding someone else's baby without consent is evil. My baby had a full feed before I left her there and she was 6m old and eating yoghurts and other small finger foods. But that was another thread and don't want to be reminded of that shitty incident; one of many where sil is concerned. Come to think of it, I'd taken my dad to the hospital that day too. I see some kind of pattern emerging with her shittiness going up 10 notches when I take my dad to the hospital.

As I said, obviously a different situation / circumstance.

As others have said, sounds like you'd be best off with no contact, someone being family / married into family doesn't stop them from being utter arses to us sometimes, and certainly doesn't mean we have to put up with it any more than from a stranger