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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have no sympathy for my boyfriend over work.

58 replies

Vintagecrap · 14/11/2014 10:05

He is a nice guy but he us doing my head in.
He didn't work till the age of 30. He is educated, has a private school education, but had a lot of money so had no need to work.

He started working and has been doing the same job for the last 4 years. He works 4 days a week. Has no dependents, no pets or responsibility.

He usually works core hours 9-6 ish but with xmas coming up the hours have all changed. Some days he is starting at 7 but will finish at 3. Some days start at 2 and finish at 11.

He has not stopped complaining about it.

He sent me a text this morning saying ' fuck this' at 630 am. I had already been awake for 30 mins at that point and was getting out of the shower. I get up at that time everyday, have done for years.

I have friends and family that work 12 hour shifts and have to juggle children and a home too.

And just want to tell him to man up.

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 14/11/2014 12:31

Well it really depends what you want doesn't it. If you don;t mind someone who is just a boyfriend to go out with once a week then if you can get him to knock the moaning on the head then fine.

Having a boyfriend should just make your life nicer. If he is then fine, if he isn't then ditch him.

Seriouslyffs · 14/11/2014 12:35

^^ what Kew says. If he's just a tactless friend, roll your eyes and enjoy the good times although I'm struggling to see how you could enjoy being with such a twonk.
The second he impinges on your peace of mind or you're worried he's modelling poor ethics/ bad behaviour to yor dcs, dump him.

JanineStHubbins · 14/11/2014 12:35

I think you should re-read your other thread.

Original poster

Vintagecrap · 14/11/2014 12:54

Hes just a boyfriend to go out with once or twice a week.

He is usually very lovely and fun to be around, he took me out for lunch yesterday when i was upset over work stuff and im going to his this evening and he is cooking. Then i wont see him till the following friday.

I already knew it wasnt going to be a big, serious relationship and the eventful night with his dad just cemented that. But, it doesnt mean he is an overall shit boyfriend. Nor, does him moaning about getting up early, to be honest. Ive told him, he said im right and he wont do it again.
If he does ill just play a tiny violin just for him, and laugh.
:)

OP posts:

Seriouslyffs · 14/11/2014 12:59

Well it obviously does bother you or you wouldn't have started a thread. Especially as the Mumsnet hivemind buzzed a resounding ftfo to him after the drunk night.

PrivatePike · 14/11/2014 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Vintagecrap · 14/11/2014 13:08

where do i sound invested?

I know most of MN said to dump him after that night, but, they werent privy to the rest of the relationship, and, i made a choice. He hasnt done anything like that since, and, if he did that would be it.

I was/am just narked at his moaning about having to get up, thats all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Vintagecrap · 14/11/2014 13:10

it isnt a big serious relationship.
I see him maybe twice a week, DD sees him maybe twice a month for 2 or 3 hours. We dont even stay over regulary. Ive stayed at his once.

Neither of us have any desire to move in or to have more of a full on relationship than what we have.

OP posts:

championnibbler · 14/11/2014 13:14

Whatever you do, do not get pregnant by him.
Sounds like we have another manchild here.

Original poster

Vintagecrap · 14/11/2014 13:16

I dont want any more children, he doesnt want any, and im infertile anyway.

why do people always assume that as a woman you must want moving in, marriage and babies?

I dont want any of those things.

OP posts:

PrivatePike · 14/11/2014 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotActuallyAMum · 14/11/2014 13:24

"Unless he has a golden cock you really don't need him in your life"

SuperFlyHigh · 14/11/2014 13:24

OP - i dated a man like your boyfriend a few years ago, a trust fund kid who didn't need to work, could've worked in his family business but fell out with family over this.

He got married on a whim in USA to piss his parents off, lived homeless for a week or 2 in USA to 'make a point' then crawled back to UK and back to trust fund.

He has a house, flat, income that's far more most people have. He'll never be poor.

He complained he was getting ill due to being overweight and indulging in sweet/fatty/too much food and too much alcohol and he didn't exercise.

I put up with this for a while but then I thought I don't need a man child in my life, I couldn't imagine children with him or a future and he was 38 or 39 I think.

SuperFlyHigh · 14/11/2014 13:25

If neither of you have any desire to move in or have a full on relationship then either put up and shut up (yes rude of me!) or just end it.

Kewcumber · 14/11/2014 13:35

why do people always assume that as a woman you must want moving in, marriage and babies?

I don;t assume this - I don't want that either. But I do have some experience of just boyfriends and whatever the totality of your relationship that evening she mentioned previously was hideous enough that I would have ended it there and then.

No amount of nice lunches would have made me look at him in any way other than a total dick after that.

But everyone has their won level of dickery with which they'll put up - you just have to be prepared to put up with more than most as he's already proved he isn't a prince amongst men. Moaning about getting up early does seem to be a small thing in the overall scheme of what you put up with.

Original poster

Vintagecrap · 14/11/2014 13:40

I put up with one bad night.
I let rip at him, should it ever happy again i wont be seen for dust.

He didnt cheat, he didnt abuse me. He got too drunk, put on a sexist song which i found intimidating and left me to deal with his father, who is like that to everyone, not just me specifically. Yes, it was bad, and i roasted him for weeks over it. It wasnt dumpable, to me, as he showed such remorse, has changed his drinking habits and nothing even close to that had happened before.

OP posts:

Original poster

Vintagecrap · 14/11/2014 13:43

super - ah, sort of similar then. Yes, he is a man child, doesnt live in the world that most people live in, because of the cushion of money.

We have a nice time together, he had helped me with a lot of things and he has a lot of plus point, but he still is a man child. SO, for that reason it wont go anywhere. But, at the moment, i dont want anything to go anywhere anyway, i like my life, i dont want things to change and DD has and always will be the priority.

OP posts:

Purplehonesty · 14/11/2014 13:55

What did his dad do? (Nosy...)

SuperFlyHigh · 14/11/2014 13:55

OP - the guy I dated he did do voluntary work (which he was very good at) - just when I was out sometimes he was charm personified etc but he got this Eeyore complex sometimes where he'd whinge that mummy and daddy etc (therefore control of the trust fund) weren't being nice/fair to him etc... hence his 'points making' with his marriage etc (ended in quickie divorce, shame to him and his parents).

after a while I realised I really could not put up with trivial whinging.

And he'd have been no better if I had settled with him (I'd have wanted for nothing etc) but I couldn't see that way of life. He wanted a 'yes woman' which I am not!

Aussiebloke · 14/11/2014 14:01

Tell him to man up, what keeps society moving forward is the work we put in even if we don't want to do it.

Original poster

Vintagecrap · 14/11/2014 14:02

His dad was just offensive. Made offensive/ inappropiate remarks.

If the boyfriend hadnt have been so drunk, he would have noticed and said something, but he was barley able to stand up, let alone aware of what was going on. The dad was also that drunk.

The dad is known for being like it, so, it wasnt just aimed at me, he is like it towards eveyone, including the boyfriend to be honest.

The boyfriend said he is just used to him and pays no attention, so didnt really realise how bad he would seem to an outsider.

The whole night was awful, i felt very uncomfortable.

OP posts:

MillionToOneChances · 14/11/2014 14:05

I lurked on the previous thread too. I get your reasons for sticking with him, but you haven't got much incentive to tread lightly when trying to get him to stop moaning.

I like the tiniest violin idea :D

bumblingbovine49 · 14/11/2014 14:07

Am I the only one who thinks this man sound fine . He seems to be trying with the OP and has modified his behaviour when asked to. It is not his fault he hasn't needed to work until now. What do people want him to do? Throw away his money just so he "has to work" and get up just because other people have to. As to moaning about getting up early to someone who has to do it all the time, that is a bit insensitive but hardly a massive personality fault.

Op - You don't sound like you respect him though. That is probably because many people who have had to work hard and come from hard working families respect a strong work ethic and this man probably does not have that as much as some people who have had to struggle more. He has probably just had an easier life than you have up til now. That is mostly about luck of the draw (i.e who/what he was born to)

I have always though a successful long-term relationship needs to be based on respect and some level of admiration for the sort of person the other person is (as well as sexual attraction and love of course). Obviously we can all get irritated by our partners but fundamentally I respect and admire dh.

It seems like much of what you respect and admire in a partner is tied to tied up with having a strong work ethic and being abele to overcome hardships etc . Either you change some of what you think of as admirable" and to be respected or you look elsewhere for a long term partner. You really can't have a successful long-term relationship (of any sort) with someone you don't fundamentally respect. By long-term I don't necessarily mean living together, having a family etc, I just mean a relationship that goes on for a long time and works on whatever terms you want it to work.

As well as having faults (like most people), Your boyfriend has shown some admirable traits as well, he is willing to say sorry quickly, he is willing to try and be more sensitive etc. He can never change his background however and how he was brought up. You probably need to decide if that part of him is an obstacle to you respecting him that you can't get over or not.

Original poster

Vintagecrap · 14/11/2014 14:08

I didnt tread lightly.
he said i was right and he would stop moaning.

i cant be arsed listening to it. real moans, yes, shit ones that people have to deal with everyday, no.

OP posts:

Original poster

Vintagecrap · 14/11/2014 14:13

Bumbling, i agree with what you have just said, which is why i am still with him.

i do respect a strong work ethic, not so much about overcoming hardships. but work ethic, yes. I think its an important quality to have.

And, i totally understand that he doesnt have one as he has not had to have one, which is what i said in my first post i think?

And, i tell him, and he takes it on the chin and says im right.

But, i dont want to have to be telling someone, for the rest of their life, and, i dont want to be with someone, whos default postion is very very very lazy. So, while it works for now, it isnt going to work long time.

Saying that, he helped me sort my garden for winter, which i was really surprised at. He isnt good with deciding what needs to be done, but if you tell him to do something, he works hard and fast and gets it done.

OP posts:

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