Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my foot down with mil?

77 replies

BerryNaughtyBoy · 13/11/2014 22:46

Mil has just text to say she has booked flights to come and stay with us next weekend. The problem being that she didn't ask if this was suitable. Now we've said it isn't she's piling on the guilt trip.

The problem is we have an engagement party for dps close friends on the Friday. She arrives on Saturday morning and will need picked up from the airport (an hour away). I don't drive and Dp will be slightly worse for wear so can't drive. I'm working Saturday all day and Sunday all day. Dp is working Saturday and Sunday night so it will be a quick change over to be in for ds. We're both working all day Monday, Ds is in nursery.

That weekend is pretty much all go, which is unusual as I'm usually off. We're both going to be absolutely shattered and the last thing I want to worry about is making dinner and entertaining mil. I'll just want to come in, quick dinner, pjs on and put ds to bed and do some work on my essay. If mil had asked we would have said it wasn't really suitable for us and arranged a different weekend. We live in a tiny 2 bed so would have to give up our bed for her too, a total nightmare when I need to get ready early in the morning.

Am I unreasonable to put my foot down and say no? We've told her it isn't really good for us but she is insisting.

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 14/11/2014 10:04

How rude of her.
Just say unfortunately it's not convenient that weekend and PLAN another one that is.

hollyisalovelyname · 14/11/2014 10:05

She's an emotional blackmailer.

LoonvanBoon · 14/11/2014 10:08

But do they need to book flights, ShopGirl? Because even in a family where dropping in is accepted & welcomed, I think it's odd to go as far as OP's MIL without checking it's okay. What if the whole family were going away for the w/end, or going to a wedding or something? Mucking in's one thing, but it seems to make sense to check the people you're visiting are actually going to be there.

I don't think your dynamic sounds at all rude or twisted - it's great as long as everyone's happy with that. It becomes problematic when it's foisted on people ("that's just how we do things in this family"): or when some people attach so much emotional significance to being able to drop in whenever, without being able to appreciate other people's POV, that they interpret it as a sign of being unloved & unwanted when it's not convenient.

feebeecat · 14/11/2014 10:12

I'd let her come. Then stick with your original plans, including sending ds to nursery. And when she complains, as she will, you can tell her she was warned & maybe next time she will check first!?
Had a friend who used to do this, she once got very peeved when I refused to stop what I was doing - feeding v.small squealing twins - to make her a cup of tea as she was 'a guest'. Albeit an uninvited one who demanded full attention on her. When she saw how 'full on' our week-ends can be and not with all the exciting stuff she thought we were up to, the penny did drop & she was more understanding.
Does mil work/have any interests or hobbies at home - sounds like she has too much time on her hands to sit & fester/bombard people with texts.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 14/11/2014 10:16

She's said she can stay with a friend, so she can do that. She can see DH & DS on Saturday/Sunday while you are at work, but she needs to go back to her friends before x o'clock as you have plans in the evenings. No need to keep DS off nursery.

Though frankly, he's 3, there's no way I'd be bothered about keeping him home if I wanted to, plenty of time for that kind of restriction when he starts school! He's not going to fall behind because he doesn't go, that's bonkers!

allmycats · 14/11/2014 10:18

I would contact her, by e mail preferably and explain your schedule over the weekend and Thank Her for coming over and looking after your family/cooking/babysitting etc over what is a very busy weekend, also let
her know that you will book her a taxi from the airport and she doesn't have to pay in advance because the driver will collect the money when he picks her up !

JustAShopGirl · 14/11/2014 11:04

but OP and/or her DH do not want her there this weekend, or to take DS out of nursery for a day whilst she is there if she stays with a friend instead, or for Christmas - it does seem like she is a bit of an inconvenience to be scheduled in when it suits.

( LvB... 1000 miles means my mum arranges flights last minute - cheap that way- she would know if we were going away - we talk... but not if we were going to be busy so takes pot luck)

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/11/2014 11:15

Yes she feels unloved, unwanted and that she's a problem

I very much doubt it - more likely it's pure attention-seeking, the kind of which I see constantly from my own ghastly MIL

Look on the bright side, OP: by refusing her visit (or doing nothing with/for her if she comes) she might finally realise the importance of checking with you before descending on your home

WhatchaMaCalllit · 14/11/2014 11:26

I think FunkyColdRibena has the perfect response put together for you @ Fri 14-Nov-14 06:44:56

Best of luck & let us know how you and your DH get on with telling her repeatedly no Smile

AlexD72 · 14/11/2014 11:52

You don't need to answer to your MIL about your planned weekend. Tell her no. You won't see her anyway and it's more stress that you don't need. It's her mistake not yours and she should ask if she can come and stay.
She cannot expect you to drop everything to cater for her. Unloved?! Bloody hell fire how old is she?!
Put your foot down with a firm hand!

2rebecca · 14/11/2014 12:13

I wouldn't let her come because I'd find it stressful. I wouldn't give her my itinerary and just tell her she can't come this weekend because it is inconvenient because we have a lot of stuff on and that she should check in future if she wishes to be invited to stay with us.
People have to learn to treat their family as considerately as they'd treat their friends.

NanaNina · 14/11/2014 13:29

Have any of you noticed that the OP says her MIL is lovely - it's just inconvenient this weekend. Then you all pile in with the usual tosh about how to handle it - Holly says she's an "emotional blackmailer" - wow you must be clever to make such a statement about someone you've never met and about whom you've read a few lines of text.

OK as you might have gathered I'm a MIL but I'm also a mother, grandparent, aunt, sister, cousin, friend..........I'm lucky to have lovely DILs but I'm a lovely MIL! I really dislike the way that on these MIL threads all you young women pile in telling the OP what she should do - and there are some very unpleasant suggestions. I often wonder if it's just people who dislike their MILs that come on with their suggestions.

I've said this before on MIL threads, but can I remind you that one day you will almost certainly be MILs yourself, and if you have sons, hold them tight tonight because one day they will have a partner/wife and you will have a DIL and I just hope she's more generous spirited than some of you on this thread. I had a MIL who was not "my sort of women" and when I was a young mum with my first baby she was very interfering, but that wore off and I was always patient with her because she was basically a kind woman, and I supported her in her last few years. My adult kids have happy memories of their Nan, and I'm so glad I was able to ride out the things that I disliked, and stay on good terms. Children have a right to make good relationships with their extended family.

And I think it's so unfair to deprive this grandmother of the company of her grandchild for one day, just so he can learn letters at nursery. If you're worried about her care of him, suggest they stay at home and maybe go to the local park. Surely she's capable of doing that if she is capable of flying over to visit. Yes of course she should have checked first but she didn't as this seems to be the custom so in a way she can't be blamed.

OK I'll not retreat with my hard hat on.................

diddl · 14/11/2014 13:57

Well tbf NanaNina, she's not lovely all the time as she's booked without asking & is now laying on a guilt trip about being unloved & unwanted!!Hmm

BogStandardOldWoman · 14/11/2014 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaltyandSweet · 14/11/2014 14:10

Agree completely NanaNina. I am a DIL, my sons are little. My MIL can be hard work but is essentially a lovely, loving person. We have a great relationship but we both do work at it and I sometimes find it very hard. I think it's important if at all possible to remember that the woman might "only" be an MIL to you but is your DH's mother and wants to remain a part of his/yours/your DCs' lives. I too will be an MIL one day and I hope my future DILs give me and my actions the benefit of the doubt.

In this case, the MIL sounds lonely, perhaps not realizing the strain of moving far from OP and family. A little compassion would be good whilst still being firm about non-negotiable boundaries, like the weekend trip which should definitely not happen, even purely to prevent festering resentment should she foist herself on you.

Roseformeplease · 14/11/2014 14:14

Call her bluff. Tell her it is because you love her, you don't want to put her through a weekend with you out all the time, sleeping on the floor (you need your bed as you are working all the time.) You really want to SEE her, not just stumble over her mattress on the way to your job.

morethanpotatoprints · 14/11/2014 14:19

I don't understand why she stays with you when you don't have the room.
First of all she needs a hotel, then I would let her come.
She will see how busy you are and what's going on and not book next time without asking first.
Let her have a wasted journey and weekend in a hotel.

BiddyPop · 14/11/2014 14:24

Even if she does turn up, I wouldn't give up your bed. You are working, DP is working, and you are both going to be run ragged as it is.

MIL didn't ask, she HAS to take whatever couch, pullout bed or emergency option you have.

morethanpotatoprints · 14/11/2014 14:32

I think its fair you keep him off nursery though, they only play.
School is different.
Let her take care of him on Monday, they'll both enjoy it.

Original poster
BerryNaughtyBoy · 14/11/2014 17:01

i haven't heard from her today, not sure if dp has. This wasn't started as a mil bashing thread to those who think it was, she really is lovely. If she had picked any other weekend it wouldn't have been a bother, it just happens that we're busy. I'm not keeping ds off nursery, I know that sounds mad but I really want him to go and Dp doesnt trust her to babysit after the shopping incident (I wasn't there).

OP posts:
Calloh · 14/11/2014 18:07

NannyNina, I'm sure you are lovely. But not every MIL is lovely and neither is every DIL. Children do have rights to see their extended families but a MIL does not have the right to disrupt a weekend because it's convenient for her when it is clearly troublesome for her son and his partner.

She should have checked, she didn't. She should take the hit and not emotionally blackmail her DIL. And that is what it is - saying "I feel unloved", instead of saying "of course, I totally understand, when would be a good time for me to come instead" is emotional blackmail.

I hope that when I am a MIL, I will support my children and their spouses in their parenting as well as enjoying being a grandparent. I hope that I will respect their choices and wishes, and checking first is a pretty reasonable request.

I think Berry sounds like a great, and very fore bearing DIL, to call her MIL lovely at all.

hollyisalovelyname · 14/11/2014 21:36

NanaNina have you read the OP's message - her mil said 'she feels unloved'
The OP said her mil is lovely but that the weekend her mil has invited herself for just isn't suitable and mil replies that 'she feels unloved' !!!!
I consider that emotional blackmail.

Meerka · 14/11/2014 21:37

I think you're right to draw the line. Equally you do say she's normally lovely.

So would somethign like this work?

"we love having you but as we've said, we do need to know the weekend in advance. I say that because that weekend is just impossible.

Could you possibly change the flights to XX or XX weekend? Do let us know, and let us know next time in advance because it's a real shame that we're going to miss you"

RandomMess · 14/11/2014 21:42

I suppose I would have let her come but not amended plans at all to accommodate her and offered the lounge to sleep in...

She woudl that way still see your ds.

Didactylos · 14/11/2014 22:47

NanaNina - do we really need a #not all MILs! moment on each thread?

I have a lovely MIL and lovely DM who would never dream of pulling a stunt like the one the OP describes - however have another close female relative who has form for this sort of thing - making arrangements to suit herself while inconveniencing others and then crying about it/trying to make an already harassed set of people feel guilty about not accommodating her. I totally see where the OP is coming from: its not about who the MIL is in the family, its about the behavior shes exhibited.

Swipe left for the next trending thread