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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my foot down with mil?

77 replies

BerryNaughtyBoy · 13/11/2014 22:46

Mil has just text to say she has booked flights to come and stay with us next weekend. The problem being that she didn't ask if this was suitable. Now we've said it isn't she's piling on the guilt trip.

The problem is we have an engagement party for dps close friends on the Friday. She arrives on Saturday morning and will need picked up from the airport (an hour away). I don't drive and Dp will be slightly worse for wear so can't drive. I'm working Saturday all day and Sunday all day. Dp is working Saturday and Sunday night so it will be a quick change over to be in for ds. We're both working all day Monday, Ds is in nursery.

That weekend is pretty much all go, which is unusual as I'm usually off. We're both going to be absolutely shattered and the last thing I want to worry about is making dinner and entertaining mil. I'll just want to come in, quick dinner, pjs on and put ds to bed and do some work on my essay. If mil had asked we would have said it wasn't really suitable for us and arranged a different weekend. We live in a tiny 2 bed so would have to give up our bed for her too, a total nightmare when I need to get ready early in the morning.

Am I unreasonable to put my foot down and say no? We've told her it isn't really good for us but she is insisting.

OP posts:
AddToBasket · 13/11/2014 23:21

Oh well, if she's coming she's coming. Put her to use?

How often does she see DS? Is he actually going to miss anything at nursery or is this you taking a stand?

NanaNina · 13/11/2014 23:22

Hmm - think she should have checked especially if booking flights. So I don't think you are being unreasonable. However I can't see why DS can't be kept off nursery for one day - what do you mean "proper classes" - he's not going to miss out by not being there for 1 day surely. Wouldn't it be a compromise to let granny have DS for the day?

Ohfourfoxache · 13/11/2014 23:31

A compromise is that DS stays off nursery when a visit/dates are planned/discussed.

Keeping him off nursery is not a compromise - it's giving in to emotional blackmail.

Original poster
BerryNaughtyBoy · 13/11/2014 23:34

It'll be 2 days he's off that week and he's only in 3 days a week. Proper classes means that they do lessons, they have a project and do numbers, the alphabet etc. I know it's minor and he won't be missing much but I'd rather he went. We would worry anyway she's very 'he's fine!!' as he goes bolting off through shops, heading towards the escalator (this actually happened, she was meant to be holding his hand). I really don't want to be a bitch about her, she's lovely, it's just going to be a total pain that weekend.

OP posts:
SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 13/11/2014 23:41

It's not convenient. Simple.
Don't back down.

MrsAmaretto · 13/11/2014 23:51

Don't back down. I told my mum it wasn't convenient to fly to us = major huffs. But it bloody well taught her a lesson she needed.

CatHackney · 14/11/2014 00:08

She sounds awful.

I wouldn't leave her in charge of a child if she can't be trusted, and I certainly wouldn't be driving to the airport or giving up my bed!

Sounds like she does it because you let her, though! She needs to learn a lesson in basic manners.

Ohfourfoxache · 14/11/2014 00:10

Berry even if she does travel anyway, I think you need to be firm and not see her. You've said it isn't convenient, you've asked her in the past to talk to you first to agree dates and not just turn up and she has ignored you.

The time has come to make a stand. And it's not just an arbitrary stand - you have a busy weekend and have plans already. It would be different if you had nothing else on.

Original poster
BerryNaughtyBoy · 14/11/2014 00:35

She does do it because we let her before. It was always ok before, it's been irritating but it's always worked out that it's been days when we haven't got much on. This is the first time since she moved away that we are really busy. I'm going to remain firm though, this thread has helped!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 14/11/2014 00:45

I'd keep saying no and tell her that normally if you're visiting someone you either wait to be invited or ask it it's convenient and she's chosen a very inconvenient weekend and is selfish to expect you to jump to her tune and not realise your lives and plans are as important as hers. I would have nursery as non negotiable.
I would tell her that her selfish attitude pissed me off and made me angry. The fact that she has form for this sort of thing means that you haven't been sufficiently unpleasant to her when she did it before and made it clear that this is selfish behaviour which pisses you off and makes you want to see less of her and that if she wants to see you she has to be more considerate. People only treat you poorly if you let them.

Didactylos · 14/11/2014 01:04

'unloved, unwanted and that she's a problem'

suggest you reply to this little phrase;

  1. Shes made herself into a problem, by booking flights and making arrangements without checking with her adult children whether its suitable
  2. she is, yes therefore unwanted on this occasion as accommodating her will be a problem
  3. she is not unloved but bloody well will end up that way if she makes a habit of doing this?
missedmebythatmuch · 14/11/2014 04:09

Sad Shock

rootypig · 14/11/2014 04:20

YANBU but - is there any chance she is having a crisis of some sort, and she simply needs to come and be with you?

diddl · 14/11/2014 04:26

Obviously if she decides to come that's up to her, but you don't have to pick her up, put her up, cook for her or entertain her!

FunkyBoldRibena · 14/11/2014 06:44

'Dear MIL, please stop with the emotional blackmail. If you had asked rather than booked flights then we would have been able to tell you we were busy all weekend. Which mainly includes work. So next time, ask. And then we can book an agreeable time for you to visit.'

Original poster
BerryNaughtyBoy · 14/11/2014 06:52

Nope, no crisis that I know of. She would usually tell us. We skype every week. She was wanting to come up over christmas but can't so we've arranged to go down at the beginning of January and have a second christmas there. To be fair, she realised that our place was too small for christmas. Ds couldn't sleep in our room because the presents are kept there and we can't sleep in the living room because it will be all set up for the morning. my house is tiny.

OP posts:
StackladysMorphicResonator · 14/11/2014 08:30

Stick to your guns, OP - although I'll be interested to see whether she'll descend upon you anyway!

BogStandardOldWoman · 14/11/2014 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Andrewofgg · 14/11/2014 08:41

Stand fast. And keep us informed!

Vitalstatistix · 14/11/2014 08:46

Hopefully she will realise that it would be ridiculous to come when nobody is free to spend any time with her and she will change her mind. But if she does come, then do exactly what you were going to do. You're both working. Quick handover. Quick meal. Bed. Work. School. Busy.

You can even apologise to her for it! Sorry that we aren't able to spend any time with you, but as you can see, things are hectic. Next time we'll make sure to plan it so that you come when we are free.

If she sees that you are not going to cancel everything because she's said she's coming regardless, if you do things the way you planned to do them, if she has to entertain herself, if you do this not in a nasty way, but in a very sorry, but this is how it is on a busy weekend we can't just stop everything way, that will teach her far more effectively that there actually is a reason why visits must be planned and agreed and that it is for her benefit!

fluffyraggies · 14/11/2014 08:58

Good lord who books flights to see folk without checking it's convenient for the hosts?! Terrible behavior! Very controlling. She should be ashamed of herself for the fuss she's making.

It's all been said already - but i wanted to just point out that you didn't need a list of reasons to justify why you would have said no to MIL by the way.

Families might have want a weekend to themselves, and it is allowed. It's not unheard of to just want a bit of P&Q at the weekend when you're working and have kids and it's not compulsory to say yes to visits/visiting just because you happen to be doing nothing for half a day. Or a whole day. Or 10 mins.

vdbfamily · 14/11/2014 09:22

If she got herself from the airport to a friends house,could she not help look after your child during the day sat/sun and give DH a chance to nap before his nightshifts? In some ways it is a good weekend to come as she could have quality time with her son and grandchild whilst you are at work and her meals could be provided by her friend, or she could cook for all of you and have it ready for you getting home. Just explain that she needs to leave early evening so that you can relax in your PJ's without having to entertain her.

Mrsgrumble · 14/11/2014 09:23

The woman has serious issues

LoonvanBoon · 14/11/2014 09:44

Of course YANBU. Astonished that anyone would actually book flights on the assumption they could stay with family without checking first. It's really rude & I agree that you need to be firm now to ensure this doesn't keep happening.

Is she depressed, do you think? The repeated texts about her feeling unloved, just because a particular w/end isn't convenient for you & DH, sound very OTT & as if she takes everything incredibly personally.

JustAShopGirl · 14/11/2014 09:58

Totally depends on your family dynamic though. My mum and MIL know that they can come here anytime and will get themselves here and muck in. If we are busy or going out, hey-ho we are busy or going out - they would cook dinner, see to the kids, or even in my mum's case do the ironing - she is a star!

We don't have a spare room either, but we just manage.

They are family, we are as welcome to drop in to stay there as they are here.

Our family must be completely "rude" and twisted though... MN does not allow for our dynamic very much at all.