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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is wrong

26 replies

pieceofpurplesky · 11/11/2014 17:23

H and I split six months ago, I still love him deeply and hope one day he will see sense. He claims it is not a midlife crisis but has joined a band and hangs round with a different group of people.

One of these people was a friend of mine. We went out drinking and to the cinema etc. I know lots about her including how she still loves her ex and her door will always be open for him to return.
Fast forward to my breakup, I am distraught. We had been together 16 years and had a wonderful marriage apart from the last few months due to my ill health. I then find out that my friend is inviting H and another couple to dinner - on a regular basis. He is now spending a lot of time with the three of them and their children (our own DS is not invited as H only has him on a Saturday and has never had him overnight).
Lots of people are talking about them and I am trying to distance myself from gossip - but I feel the same - it is just not something you do. Both of them.
AIBU or is this normal? Friend no longer speaks to me as she thinks she has done nothing wrong (she knows I still love him) and objected to me asking her outright if they were in a relationship. H denies a relationship and claims they are friends and he goes as he is lonely as nobody else invites him ...
AIBU to think they have both overstepped a line where you just don't do this to a friend and partner???

OP posts:
UncrushedParsley · 11/11/2014 17:26

I agree with you, but it happens unfortunately. A break-up shows you who your friends are IMHO

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 11/11/2014 17:28

Yes they have both over stepped the mark, knowing that this development would devastate you is very very cruel.

He's an arse and she's an utter cow but you must move on from thinking about him seeing sense and coming home and get on with your life.

She's no loss as a friend.

Vitalstatistix · 11/11/2014 17:32

I think that it is kinder if people avoid the ex partners of their friends, particularly when the other person is having a hard time accepting the end of the relationship because there are a lot of potential partners in the world and if you can avoid hurting those who you call friend, it is kind to do so.

SolidGoldBrass · 11/11/2014 17:34

It's not very nice for you but your marriage is over and your H does not want to come back. You need to start moving on with your own life. In the meantime, as he is no longer in a relationship to you, who he spends time with is up to him.

AnyFucker · 11/11/2014 17:36

I think they are both a pair of shits, but as SGB says that it makes no difference to what you need to do. Look after your own interests, work on your detachment from him and hopefully soon you won't care if he is shagging her or Pippa Middleton.

Take care Thanks

Original poster
pieceofpurplesky · 11/11/2014 18:12

SGB I know that but I kind of hoped it was a phase (he has had a couple of breakdowns previously and I hoped he would realise what he had list). DS and I have done lots if travel and are living life to the full. I just wanted to know if I WABU thinking they have overstepped a make whether shagging or not. It's not like we dates for a couple of years - we were together 16!

OP posts:
DoJo · 11/11/2014 19:06

They have over stepped the mark and they are either idiots or sly to be trying to make out as though there is nothing for you to be upset about. However, all you can do with that information is be reassured that you aren't being over-sensitive or a bad friend and try to put the whole sorry situation out of your mind as much as possible.
I'm guessing your main concern is that this will have some effect on how easily you feel you would be able to accept him back in your life if he should change his mind, but there is no point planning that - you have to assume that you are on your own and live your life to the fullest without him in it. It sucks, but it is the only option that won't wreck your head even more than it has been and allow you some peace. Flowers

wonderingsoul · 11/11/2014 19:13

they have both over stepped the line.

its an un written rule you do not go with friends ex's... or hang out even more then before.

did she used to hng out with im before? if not, theni would be worried about her motives.

flowers for you though, broken heart is hard to fix xx

addictedtobass · 11/11/2014 19:29

They've definitely both crossed the line, I just hope it was now and not before- I'd be very sceptical since it sounds like double dating...

I'm sorry OP. They've both behaved shittily. You need to stay away from both of them.

Tinks42 · 11/11/2014 19:35

To be honest I would think it was a shit thing to do but he obviously doesnt care - he is sending that message to you loud and clear. He's also an insensitive arse, good riddance to bad rubbish huh, so as hard as it may be you really do need to turn the other cheek, get out there and live your own life.

ithoughtofitfirst · 11/11/2014 19:39

I agree with staying away from both of them. You deserve better.

Notmeagain1 · 11/11/2014 19:48

So sorry you are going through this, but it is clear he has moved on and now you need to put on your big girl panties and move on too. Its hard after a long relationship breaks up, but to wish for things to go back to the way they were are wasted wishes.

Move on and have a happy life. You still have a lot of living to do and need to start today. Good luck.

Original poster
pieceofpurplesky · 11/11/2014 20:26

Wondering no they were no friends before, other than the odd chat if we met her when out.

I do know nothing was going on before and it has been a more recent development. I am moving on I just wanted to know if it was me BU thinking it was a shitty thing to do!

OP posts:
Notmeagain1 · 11/11/2014 20:30

No your not being unreasonable. It is a shitty thing to have done, but you can't control what you can't control.

Glad your moving on. Dont fret on what might have gone on prior, you will drive yourself nuts. Been there and have the t-shirt for that one. Grin

Tinks42 · 11/11/2014 20:35

maybe transferring this to "relationships" would be better OP? You will find squillions of advice there?

Original poster
pieceofpurplesky · 11/11/2014 20:44

Thinks it's not advice I wanted - if he is with her then there would be no going back. I guess I just wanted justification that it is just something that should not be done. Don't shit in your own back yard thing!

OP posts:
ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 11/11/2014 20:45

She is no friend OP. This is a hard time for you...I agree that relationships would be a better place as people there have been where you are.

Ask MN to move your thread. Flowers

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 11/11/2014 20:46

Do you think he IS with her? He probably won't admit it even if he is...and neither would she. Is she still masquerading as your friend?

Delete her and him from any social media you have. You don't need to see them...and ask your mutual mates to not tell you ANYTHING about either of them.

Original poster
pieceofpurplesky · 11/11/2014 23:05

thanks Claw, I have done all that and no she isn't pretending to be a friend she is bleating to everyone that she can't understand why I am upset .... She is not getting much sympathy though!!!!!

OP posts:
youareallbonkers · 11/11/2014 23:11

Unwritten rule, rubbish! You don't own your exes or your friends. Someone who wasn't right for you might be the perfect person for your friend. If you cared about either of them you would want them to be happy. If that means they are together and you aren't then so be it.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/11/2014 00:01

She may, actually, not be shagging him. She may just be more supportive of his life change than you (quite understandably) are.
I appreciate that it's rotten to be the one who got dumped, but I wonder if you and your H married young? You mentioned that he has joined a band and got new friends - maybe he reached a point where he wanted something different out of life to what you want.
No one is entitled to an ongoing relationship. If he has decided to leave you, he has every right to do so. Even if you 'still love him' that doesn't mean you own him. You need to focus on your own life now.

Original poster
pieceofpurplesky · 12/11/2014 09:11

No bonkers I don't own him but I would like to think after 16 years he wouldn't do something like this. And no I would not want to be happy for them if they were together. I would never do that to a friend as I am a decent person and would see what damage it would cause. Maybe it's just a different moral code.
SGB we were not married young - I was 29 when I met him, he was 30. He had everything that most people want in life but the last year due to me suffering a really nasty miscarriage which resulted in surgery six months later he felt as if I had not had enough time for him. He now gets adulation from being in a band and being friends with my ex friend.

At least the majority agree it is wrong to do this, so at least I know the majority have decent morals about what is right and wrong.

And again, I am moving on with my life. It has been six months ... Less than a year ago he was telling me I was his soulmate and writing me poetry ...

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 12/11/2014 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks · 12/11/2014 09:58

Bonkers you do sounds bonkers if you imagine OP would be HAPPY for him after a 16 year marriage and him running around with her friend!

ScarletFever · 12/11/2014 12:21

re the unwritten rule: if you (op position) still have feelings for said-ex then its very off to go for the ex, unless you really cannot help your feelings and think its a long term possibility and in which case you come clean face to face

if there are no feelings for said-ex (or bad feelings for), then its all systems go