To not want my 13 y.o. DS watching porn?!

[kellyandthecat]

One of my DDs let slip that my sons have an external harddrive that contains a large amount of pornography which they pass down like some kind of family heirloom! I remember buying the harddrive for DS1 a few years ago and then it disappearing. Apparently DS2 has had it since at boarding school and now that DS3 is thirteen they are planning to give it to him. My oldest DD who told me this seemed to think it was hilarious in a disgusting way and my DH says boys will be boys and will not talk to them about it. I don't want my DS to be watching this stuff after I read so much about it giving boys strange and terrible ideas about women and I'm dissapointed in my other sons!! AIBU expecting my DH to do more about this?!

This might a bit its its a link to a charity that supports ex porn actors both women and men it has a section about their background and how they got into porn

www.thepinkcross.org/page/what-pink-cross

Seriouslyffs I meant more that they could touch themselves under the school's roof rather than mine and I wouldn't have to wash the sheets etc. (Disgusting I know!) We have raised them right in that regard and both DS1 and DS2 have both had real life girlfriends with no problems so I don't think they're going to abuse women or anything like that - I would not stand for it! It is just as others have pointed out a slightly tawdry double-standard given the way they dote on their sisters and they would not want to see them or their female friends (or me!) doing it would they?

Thanks for those who suggested the 'survivors' sites I think that will make them really think about it quite hard to read

DH says boys will be boys and will not talk to them about it ... AIBU expecting my DH to do more about this?!

Why can't you talk to them about it? perhaps it would have been a better idea to keep an eye on what they got up to with this harddrive, no?

Humiliate? Really? And porn isn't humiliating, is it? Do families really have this dad talks to the boys rule?

differentnameforthis Yes I'm sure it would have been a better idea to completely control everything my children do and own so no issues ever happen at all and they would never see porn ever

I'm trying to make this into a learning opportunity with my DS as sensitively as possible (while sharing my moral views about porn) and he may be more comfortable talking to his father I feel. If either of my parents had talked to me about porn (because we all know what it's for so we're really talking about masturbation) when I was 13 I would have died!

Yes porn is humiliating for the women involved and yes i am against it but some of these responses have been so extreme. what does me making a huge scene and embarrassing my DS and potentially damaging our relationship actually do to help any of these poor girls? Nothing sadly.

I like the idea some people have had of saying I guess you guys have seen some porn by now and using that as a way to start a conversation about survivors etc.

Yanbu at all.

I am absolutely 100% against porn and its contribution to rape culture. That children are being exposed to hardcore stuff at young ages and thinking that is what constitutes a normal sex life is terrifying.

That's the thigh.. you don't seem to care about the porn at all.... don't really seem to give a shit that your other kids are going to give a hardrive to your 13 yr old.

Why do you have to involve your 13 yr old at all? He doesn't know about it does he?

Maybe boarding school has shielded you from the realities of parenting... your older kids are massively out of line.. They are the ones you should be dealing with.

I think you have to talk to the older boys/DD. This isn't funny.

I would make the point that showing pornographic material to under 16s is a criminal offence. Them doing it is no different from some perve doing it. If they are planning on giving copies to their brother, who else is passing this porn around at school, are other underage boys seeing it? It could be seen as grooming. It is not appropriate behaviour. Some of those older boys could end up with a criminal record and on the sex offenders register. That might make them all take it a bit more seriously and not see it as a big joke.

I might have a word with the school and let them know there's a porn collection being passed around the boys.

I'd also want to talk to them all about porn in general. I was never particularly anti-porn in the past, but current porn is truly abusive and awful. Without going into how, I saw a lot of porn mags when I was a kid. Didn't do me any harm, didn't effect my sex life, because what was depicted was pretty normal sex (with any kinky stuff appearing to be consensual and not abusive). I've also seen porn movies from 80s and 90s. I wouldn't want a kid to see those (or mags of course) but again, nothing I would say would be particularly traumatic. I've also seen some of the free internet porn available now. It is shocking. Very violent and abusive as a matter of course and no attempt to show anything like normal sex. Women faking enjoying being gagged during oral sex until they are vomiting, and then made to drink the vomit, and forcing a horrible smile throughout it all. Women being hurt. Anal sex as a standard and they are lucky if it's only one penis. Anal 'stuff' that deliberately creates a prolapsed rectum as 'sexy'. Jeeez. I'm never looking at porn again.

Studies are showing that teenage boys and girls are developing very fucked up ideas about sex. That they believe these things are normal. That girls who don't enjoy this type of sex have something wrong with them. Or that of course girls don't enjoy it, but that doesn't matter, it's for the man to enjoy and the girl to service him. I'd be desperately worried about even your older children.

Muddy... Are you for real.

I think your moral compass is shot to buggery OP.
Take the hard drive away. Disassociate porn from masturbation in your own mind, the latter does not require the former. Tell your older boys off. Have a chat with the youngest boy about his feelings/questions re his changing body. Talk to your dd about what she expects from a healthy relationship.
Be their mother.

I've decided not to name change for this.

I would get some facts together about the Porn Industry and educate them.

I say that as a watcher of extreme/fetish Porn.

Porn isn't the issue, the industry is, as are the free websites.

There are lots of workers around the world that are used as child slaves, exploited etc, you support these companies, if you buy non fair trade Chocolate or Coffee, for example.

There are changes we can all made to out Consuming habits, Porn is just one.

It's nice to know the issues, the youngest is too young to know all of them, but it's a good place to start a conversation about consent and respecting boundaries.

I would say, he's going to see porn anyway, if he hasn't already - most boys have by his age, it's not hard to find.

First google some yourself so you understand what kind of things he's actually likely to come across.

Talk to him about how this isn't anything like what real sex is like. The other stuff that gets passed around are shock sites - 2 girls 1 cup, etc. Most porn is people putting on a show. Often the performers are on drugs just to get through their working day, it's grim stuff.

Girls - even girls of his generation, before he writes you off as old and past it - don't like the stuff that you see in porn as a rule, it's extremely far removed from normal sex which is more about exploring each other and finding out what you both like. It's not a race, it's about respect, communication and boundaries.

Just basically reassure him that he doesn't have to perform/do stuff like that and explain that boundaries and consent are a thing (in porn they are mysteriously missing).

Obv I would also confiscate and wipe the hard drive to make the point, but that's not going to stop him accessing anything.

There are changes we can all made to out Consuming habits, Porn is just one.

Absolutely. We use the same approach with drugs - follow the trail of destruction and abuse and criminality they leave in their wake and then consider whether your enjoyment should come at the cost of other human beings' welfare.
You cannot prevent porn & drugs coming into your DC's lives but you CAN help to equip them with ways to handle them.

""explain that boundaries and consent are a thing (in porn they are mysteriously missing).""

I bought up the discussing of boundaries and consent, also.

These aren't missing from the "pay for" fetish sites and the on line discussions around inflicting any sexually provocative etc behaviour onto others are intelligent and informed.

I'm sick of listening to the details of the sex lives of shop workers, other bus passengers etc.

It does seem to always be young men/older teens who take this as a joke.

These are discussions that need to be had with our teens.

I understand that there probably is porn where consent and boundaries are overt, but it's not likely to be the kind of porn that a 13yo comes across.

Bertie, I agree, that's why I think that with the availability of free porn sites (which is what I'm against, not Porn), parents need to have these discussions.

I would be tackling the "boys will be boys" comment by the DH, as well, personally.

Thank you Bertie and Birds I found your comments very helpful. Reading all the responses has made me think more about what I actually think about porn and I guess my first reaction was more about thinking of my little DS becoming sexual (gross!) rather than actually thinking porn itself is always inherently evil which I don't (while knowing that these days there is much more nasty and exploitative stuff out there which I'm against). From what their sister said I'm absolutely sure my boys aren't regularly looking at anything like that

bodhanbrae I like your comparison with drugs - this is a conversation I've had with my DCs before and was suprised and pleased how well they understood the effect their actions can have on other people along the line

DS2 is home for the weekend so it will be a good time for a conversation. I have emailed him telling him to bring home the hard drive as I need it for an art project - it won't be going back to school with him!

I think it's difficult for us who came of age before the widespread availability of internet porn to really comprehend the immense damage it does to young minds still forming their ideas about sex and sexuality.

Your DH is naive to think that modern internet porn is akin to a dog-eared 1970s copy of Razzle. Teenagers exposed to hardcore porn can't erase those images from their minds and they will become the images which they reach for to turn them on. Their sexuality literally becomes dysfunctional - dependent not on eroticism and the thrill of closeness with partner but on the aggression and extremism that they've witnessed online.

Any woman who has dated in her 30s will have seen the difference in a man who matured pre-internet porn (roughly 35 and up) and those whose first sexual experiences were watching gangbangs online. It is sincerely depressing. If you can possibly prevent your sons being exposed to this stuff until their sexuality is formed you really ought to.

I remember reading somewhere one man saying hard-core porn was rife in his public school in the 1980s. (but that was pre-internet so it may be even worse now).

I think you need to keep this on the conversational agenda from a reasonably early age, that children themselves need to protect themselves from porn and other things online that can have a big impact. I believe people need to protect their own innocence and integrity, and children need to learn to be able to do that too, even if its not "cool".

By the age of 13 this can be a reasonably grown-up conversation but if your son is at boarding school, this may be hard to do on an ad hoc basis. You may have to have a longer talk.

It does sound like your sons have picked up your DH's attitude about it all. You may have to make a bigger intervention to put forward your concerns about it.

Aren't you putting the cart before the horse here? If I follow what you say, your 13 y o hasn't seen it yet - it's been with his elder brother(s). Shouldn't you be talking to them and not him? Also, ask yourself what harm has it done them? Whatever your views about porn I wish you luck in trying to stop a teenage book from looking at - you'll need it. Also, if you do go down the "Give it to me so I can take a hammer to it" route, I would let on that it was your DD who revealed it's existence. Could make her less than popular with her brothers.

"teenage book" = "teenage boy"

"would let on" = "wouldn't let on"

Not a good typing night!

Sit your boys down (without you obvs) to watch a program called 'porn on the brain' It's on youtube, here is a link.