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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that DH has chosen to be away for PFB 1st birthday?

52 replies

Sommersprossen · 10/11/2014 16:06

As the title says really.

He's going on a course. I don't think it's an essential one and there would be other opportunities to attend the same course in the new year but because it's important to him, he's going on the day our PFB turns one. I feel really sad that he's choosing to be away for PFB's first birthday, I also feel really sad that every time I ask him what he wants to do for the birthday (in the evening when he returns or the following weekend) he's non-committal or doesn't want to discuss it. People keep asking me what we're doing to celebrate the occasion and I feel embarrassed to tell them that I don't know as we haven't planned anything yet (it's fast approaching!)

Feeling sorry for me, I think, a friend has invited me and PFB out for the day and I'm sure we'll have a lovely time. I get the impression from DH that IABU to think we should make a fuss over our only, long awaited child on their first birthday. Am I? Do I need a grip?

OP posts:
wigglylines · 10/11/2014 16:37

Actually, just a thought, is he worried about money perhaps?

wigglylines · 10/11/2014 16:40

True Alibabaandthe40nappies!

It's the kind of thing I would say, not to imply the event itself is optional, but to try to find out what exactly his problem is.

Original poster
Sommersprossen · 10/11/2014 16:44

Wiggly you've made some good points there. It's not a money issue, we're doing ok and I wasn't thinking of a massive celebration, just a couple of sandwiches, cake etc. I think you're right, it's not so much that he's missing the day, it's more his general disinterest in the whole event. I'm not sure why I'm waiting for him to give me the go ahead, I'm normally very independent and do my own thing but I think it just upsets me so much because this is his first and possibly only child and he doesn't seem at all bothered.

I haven't got any family local so it would be the in-laws I'm inviting round and maybe that's why I've hesitated to plough ahead without his support. Thank you to everyone for your comments, I think what I'm going to do is get the cake I want and see if any of my other friends are available to help us celebrate. If he's lucky, I might save the miserable devil a slice of cake!

OP posts:
Eva50 · 10/11/2014 16:45

I think some people are bothered about things like birthdays and anniversaries, others are not. He is obviously not although it is a shame he won't make the effort for your sake as you clearly are. I wouldn't be bothered about this. I had a party at soft play for PFB's 1st birthday as my friends all had older children and PFB didn't have any friends of his own. Dh didn't come (don't remember what he was doing instead) as he is even less interested in these things than I am.

Why don't you go out with your friend and have a great day then arrange something for the next weekend with your family. Your dh can join in if he wants to.

MaryWestmacott · 10/11/2014 16:51

I would pick the nearest weekend, tell him you are inviting PIL over for a saturday or sunday party afternoon. (possibly ask your family for the weekend?), invite a few others over, do sandwiches and cake, buy in some drinks for a celebration and toast, ask him if he wants to do the toast or you will and just arrange it.

Floggingmolly · 10/11/2014 16:54

He would have taken the day off if he hadn't been on the course... Why??

ZingOfSeven · 10/11/2014 16:54

1st birthday parties are never for the babies.
YANBU

pineapplecrush · 10/11/2014 16:58

It's lovely to look back on too, didn't do anything too major on my ds's first birthday, just a summery walk and lunch in a pretty market town but have nice photographs to look back at and show ds. I would be a bit hurt and mad too OP. I would definitely go ahead and invite in laws/friend, tea and cake etc, present opening and plenty of photographs. Hard when DH doesn't get the importance of it (been there plenty of times).

BackforGood · 10/11/2014 16:58

I don't think he's BU to carry on with his work life - that is pretty normal for those of us that work - I'd have been at work on all my dc's first (and consequent) birthdays unless they happened to fall on a weekend. I certainly wouldn't expect a parent to take a day off for it.

Some people like to make a 'thing' of birthdays and others are less bothered. I like them. If dh were left to his own devices, then he wouldn't bother. What I do I'd do though is just invite people round for a 'birthday tea' on the nearest weekend, and just tell him that's what's happening. As others have said, this is about you celebrating, the baby won't know anything about it.

Babiecakes11 · 10/11/2014 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TalkinPeace · 10/11/2014 17:09

DD is away for my 50th

its only a date

Original poster
Sommersprossen · 10/11/2014 17:13

Floggingmolly - the tentative plan for him to take the day off was because he has a lot of holiday left over to be used by Xmas and that way we could have spent the day together instead of him taking that time off when I'm at work and PFB is at nursery. (It just so happens that one of my days off falls on the birthday, this won't always be the case in the future). This wasn't my idea, it was his until the course came up and he decided then he didn't want to commit to anything at all. Now he won't even see his child on the day as he'll be gone from very early to way past bed time.

I get that birthdays are not important to everyone and it may seem like I'm making a fuss over nothing. It took me the best part of a decade to get pregnant, it's almost a miracle the PFB is here which is why the first birthday means so much to me. I'm going to take the advice that I should just do what I want and either he'll join in or he won't.

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 10/11/2014 17:20

I think that's your best solution To Be Honest.

You've asked him. He hasn't given you an answer. So plan the celebration you want. He will either be there or not.

First birthdays- yes your baby won't remember. But first birthday celebrations are for the parents imo.
And it's nice to look at the photos when they are teenagers and say oh look there's your very first cake etc.

So just go ahead and enjoy it

maninawomansworld · 10/11/2014 17:23

YANBU to be upset but YAB a bit U to expect him to be really really enthusiastic.

I can see where he's coming from, I am not fussed on birthdays / Halloween / Easter / anniversaries etc. I love Christmas, I always spoil DW rotten on her birthday and on our anniversary but apart from that I'm not bothered. All I ever ask on my own birthday is that someone else gets up at 5:30am and does the morning round on the farm for me so I can have a couple more hours sleep and a nice leisurely breakfast, I never ask for cards, prezzies, fancy dinners out or anything else.

For our twins first birthdays this year we had a small family tea with a few cards and some small presents, mostly for the grandparents benefit. If it weren't for them I think we would have skipped the festivities altogether and just had a nice family day out together. I just don't see the point until they're 3 or 4 and actually have a rudimentary understanding of what's going on.

I think you need to have a chat about why he's not that bothered. It might be that practically speaking, going on the course is just better done on that date. He might be worried for his job and not telling you, he might have had pressure from work to go, it might simply be that some people he knows are attending and going with them will make the whole tedious affair a bit more bearable.

Nydj · 10/11/2014 17:24

You do not need a grip! I would feel very sad too if this had happened on our child's first birthday.

ZingOfSeven · 10/11/2014 17:35

come on it's a 1st birthday and it's a big deal to some!
I'd be sad if dad couldn't be arsed to be present.

DixieNormas · 10/11/2014 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alicebannedit · 10/11/2014 17:57

OP It took me the best part of a decade to get pregnant, it's almost a miracle the PFB is here which is why the first birthday means so much to me.

I totally get this. What I don't get is that I haven't picked up on any other poster commenting on the fact and feelings, even though you hinted at it from the start..... maybe late to remind him of this, and maybe he's being
pragmatic and unempathic because that's just how he is?

I really hope you enjoy the birthday with people who appreciate your little miracle and are glad for your sake and PFB's Flowers

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 10/11/2014 18:06

My DH is away on a stag do for DD's first birthday this week! I was mildly annoyed but he couldn't control the date of the stag as there are 20ish people to accommodate. We're just going to celebrate on a different day.

flapjackattack · 10/11/2014 18:30

I was in hospital having an operation on pfb's actual 1st.
We just did a party the day before as it was the weekend, family could be there and she had no idea :-)

Preciousbane · 10/11/2014 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RevoltingPeasant · 10/11/2014 22:41

OP I am probably reading way too much into this but are there any associations with the birth or birthday that he's keen to escape?

Eg did you have a particularly traumatic birth or did he find it hard?

Is he the type of person who at some level doesn't like "jinxing" things by celebrating too much or too soon? Is he still getting over how long it took to happen?

Honeycrumb · 10/11/2014 23:07

I might also be reading too much into this but might he resent the attention you're giving your PFB? Your understandable joy at finally having a child might mean you are so focused on your PFB that unconsciously, your DH feels rejected/overlooked? Just a thought.

To me, our PFB's first birthday was a celebration of us becoming a family. Birth was traumatic for us, but in a way that made it even more special -- because we got through it together and had our PFB at the end of it. It makes no difference to the baby but it mattered to us.

pennefab · 11/11/2014 00:44

YAB(slightly)U. I'm one of those people who just don't care about birthdays or anniversaries. And while others say the celebration is to mark your first year as a parent, then it really doesn't matter what day the celebration for you, the adult, is on.

Why all this hype over a day? Just celebrate when convenient. Usually a weekend is more convenient.

And, consider making it birthday week - takes the pressure off the specific day. Can celebrate (simply or lavishly) however you wish. Plus, if the day itself is a dud, there is time to do something special afterwards.

GinIsCalling · 11/11/2014 03:57

I'd be really upset if this happened. I think your DH has decided he should go on the course, and to justify it is trying to pretend the birthday is unimportant.

But it's important to you, whatever he thinks, so you need to organize the celebration you want. It's pretty normal to celebrate birthdays on a weekend, so just pick a day, invite people and get it sorted.