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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not give my children Christmas presents?

71 replies

PastMidnightAgain · 10/11/2014 15:39

I have three-year-old twin DDs. I'm from Southeast Asia, DH is French, we all live in England. I didn't grow up celebrating Christmas, though DH did -- his family (all in France) always exchanged presents, and still do, though it has never been a religious celebration for them. We spend Christmas with DH's family in France every year, and the children are showered in presents from all the relatives. All fine with me.

My quandary is this. As DDs get older and hear about Christmas from nursery and their friends, they have this year begun saying to me, "I'd like a trumpet for Christmas", etc. -- all very sweetly and un-presumptuously.

I haven't given DDs any Christmas presents in the last couple of years, as I figured they were too young to care anyway (though they have always gotten birthday presents and generally get new books and clothes throughout the year anyway they are not lacking!). WIBU to continue (ahem) my tradition of not giving them any Christmas presents, even as they get older, since this is not something I have tended to do, and it's not something people in my culture do that much? DH, bless him, honestly doesn't seemed fussed either way and he's not about to go out shopping for presents for them on his own! If DDs got any presents from me and/or DH, it would be because I went out and got them.

Essentially --
Reasons for not giving DDs Christmas presents: I haven't tended to; they don't need more stuff
Reasons for giving DDs Christmas presents: we live in a culture that does celebrate the holiday, so why not?

I'd be really interested to hear from other second- or third-culture people (for lack of a better term!) about how they've adapted their own traditions once they live in a new culture... Thank you!

OP posts:

throckenholt · 10/11/2014 16:40

I would say that since they get it all with their French family, no need to also feel you have to do it too. Continue with celebrating Christmas with the French, and Chinese New Year in your way. They get the best of both worlds.

FWIW - we have a tradition of putting up Christmas stuff on Christmas Eve - so we don't have all the festive stuff for weeks leading up to Christmas either.

They'll cope. They have their own cultural backgrounds - they don't need to copy everyone else.

Mrsjayy · 10/11/2014 16:40

Dds friend get both Christmas and chinese new year win win could you maybe decorate your house a little when they go to school maybe a small gift when you are in France you don't need to go overboard loads of ddifferent cultures in the uk don't do Christmas at all im sure they manage fine, my muslim neighbour did it for her children when they started school so they would nt feel left out its really up to the individual I yhink

MothershipG · 10/11/2014 16:42

I think you've got a good few years before your DT's will even notice so keep it as low-key as you like.

But when they get to 8 or 9 and their friends are telling them about the ipads they got for Xmas then you are going to have an issue. But of course they could always use their New Year money to get one in the sales!

waithorse · 10/11/2014 16:44

It might not be your culture, but you live in Britain and it is part of British culture. Why wouldn't you want to embrace your husband's tradition of Christmas present giving anyway ? You should have a nice healthy mix of your culture, your husband's and British. But Christmas should certainly be included.

Floggingmolly · 10/11/2014 16:45

You haven't tended to... But they're only three As you said yourself; they wouldn't have noticed up to now, but now they will.

waithorse · 10/11/2014 16:48

Your right about the fairy light's though, you can never have to many. Throw them up.

MrsCakesPrecognition · 10/11/2014 16:54

I think you will probably end up giving them some sort of present, but don't feel pressured into going down the route of vast heaps of gifts.
Come up with your own tradition, whether that is one significant present each from you or perhaps you do them a stocking with smaller gifts in. Perhaps you are a bookish sort of family, so buy a special edition book each year. Or another family might buy tickets to a show each New Year. Whatever you decide will become your family's tradition.

Original poster

PastMidnightAgain · 10/11/2014 16:55

Thanks everyone -- I love the idea of the stockings and little treats!

fakename No, no objections to Christmas. I grew up in Malaysia and Singapore, where, yes, there are Christmas lights up in town as the season comes round, but my family and many of my friends' families didn't celebrate.

OP posts:

Frikadellen · 10/11/2014 16:55

I am sort of the opposite of redexpat as I am Danish but live in the UK.

However like her I find one of the plusses of the different cultures is that you get to do BOTH.

So on Christmas eve we do what I did as a child in Denmark.
On Christmas day we do what dh did as a child in England.

For you I would go with for Christmas you do as your dh did as a child.
& for Chineese newyear you do as you did as a child.

However if you wish to buy them presents or not. That is completely a different question. Not all children gets ipads and huge presents and they grow up well adjusted children as well :)

ArcheryAnnie · 10/11/2014 16:56

YANBU, especially as they get Chinese New Year envelopes!

My son has three cultures influencing his life. I do do christmas, and I do the other holidays as well, but not in as big a way - ie we do fireworks and go to the temple on Diwali, but he doesn't generally get new clothes then. He doesn't seem particularly upset by his cousins getting new clothes, though, as it's never been on his radar for him personally.

Do as much as you fancy and don't worry about the rest. Your kids sound as if they have a lovely life with a lot of festivals!

Mrsjayy · 10/11/2014 17:08

I agree with ^^ do what you like pick and mix join in with stuff when they are at school but don't feel any pressure and they get Christmas in France so they do get to join in

Frogme · 10/11/2014 17:09

My friend from a very differnt culture always celebrates christmas but without the religious emphasis. Everything else is the same as us. She says its an excuse to party and swap presents and her children have loved the magic of christmas as well as their own religious customs..

OnlyLovers · 10/11/2014 17:18

Well, it's not really true to say that the whole country will be doing Christmas, and it's not very meaningful to say it's part of British culture as British culture is so varied. I think those arguments are quite meaningless.

IMO your DH's point about already having a lot of stuff is a very good one and goes deeper than just not wanting more clutter; why is it necessary to buy into a culture of Christmas being about shopping and acquiring?

I'd say carry on as you are. It sounds as though your children get plenty of presents, Christmas decorations/food/traditions and (most importantly) love and attention from their wider family over the holidays.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 10/11/2014 17:20

I think it's completely different that you didn't get them something at one and two, than it will be at 3,4.5,6,7,8,9,10!

I'm not surprised you're starting to think about it for this year.

Basically I think you should both get them something for Christmas (one thing from you both is fine, and doesn't need to be a big thing, especially as they get lots from other rellies)

As they grow up (& living in this culture) I do think they'd tend to feel something was lacking if you didn't

Snapespotions · 10/11/2014 17:22

There are no right and wrong answers here - it's up to you and your DH. Your kids will not suffer if you choose not to buy them gifts, but equally, as they get older you might feel that you want them to enjoy Christmas in the same way as their friends. It really doesn't matter - as long as they have a happy and loving family, I doubt they will really care either way! :)

FWIW, we know a lot of families here in the UK who don't have Christmas as a part of their culture, and most of them (not all) have chosen to celebrate Christmas to some extent. But it's a personal choice for you and your DH.

cindydog · 10/11/2014 17:24

Celebrate Christmas ! It does not matter if your house is overflowing with toys and clothes already ! Your little one has requested a trumpet so Santa should get one :)

Boomtownsurprise · 10/11/2014 17:31

Every Asian family I know takes the bits they like and adapts it to suit them.

The one family I know that's Jehovah's Witness that never did Xmas both kids grew up and left the faith as both felt tremendously left out everything for 3 mths every year.

I understand not celebrating it from a Christian perspective. But why not pick and choose bits from different cultures worldwide that do? Make up your own family traditions! It's more than baby Jesus. That's just one view of what Christmas is.

HoHoHappyHolidays · 10/11/2014 17:32

We don't celebrate Christmas but I have asked what DS (3yo) wants as a gift so he doesn't feel left out from his friends.

MrsMook · 10/11/2014 17:42

My cousins were brought up as Jehovah's witnesses and all feel that they missed out on birthdays and Christmas. None have stayed with the church and all celebrate Christmas as adults.

3 is old enough to notice. My 3 year old is talking about it, and things he wants already. We don't do anything in that department until December. For him, it's also tied up with his birthday.

You don't have to go mad, but do something. They are getting to an age of forming long term memories.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/11/2014 17:46

Yabvu, that's mean. Even my non Christian friends give their dc presents. Obviously don't go overboard, but a couple won't hurt!

ArcheryAnnie · 10/11/2014 17:48

Aeroflotgirl do you give your kids big fat red envelopes of cash on Chinese New Year? And if not, why not? Because if you don't, that's mean.

And how were the fireworks you let off to delight your kids this Diwali? It would have been very mean of you if you hadn't arranged any for them.

(etc etc)

Merrylegs · 10/11/2014 17:48

I would go the other way and say don't get them stocking fillers. Get them one present each from both of you. Just one. Something they really want eg a trumpet. Or a massive cuddly bear. Or a set of goal posts. Whatever. But no extras. Especially if they are getting other things from the family. We are a mix of European, SE Asian and Indian in our family and this is how we do it. It makes it really easy and hassle free and exciting as well because the kids hope they are getting something from the list, but it's a surprise.

OnlyLovers · 10/11/2014 17:54

MrsMook, it sounds to me as though the OP's children have got plenty of nice material from which to form long-term memories: happy family gatherings in France with lots of presents and Christmas celebrations.

And as for 'mean', that's just silly if you've read all the things the OP says they DO do to celebrate festivals.

vrtra · 10/11/2014 17:55

Gifts are not the important bit - as a kid I loved making the house festive, putting up a tree, tinsel, etc. Making the food. And getting a stocking! Never got huge gifts just satsumas and chocolate coins, maybe some hairslides!

You don't have to go all commercial but I do think Christmas is lovely for children, you don't have to believe in it (I don't and still love it )

Aeroflotgirl · 10/11/2014 18:03

Archery tgey are in the UK and their friends at nursery will possibly recieve gifts and talk about what Santa will get them. Yes when in Rome do as the Romans do and all that!

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