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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be sick of this out-dated attitude

46 replies

Discopanda · 10/11/2014 15:05

Warning, this is kind of another 'DH is useless' post, but I could forgive that if MIL and his grandmother didn't keep saying "he goes to work, he's bringing home the bacon" as an excuse for him not helping. He doesn't even know how to cook, wash up, etc as he was never taught how to growing up. Despite the fact that I work from home as well as doing all the housework and everything for DH and DD, they don't think he should help out, his grandmother doesn't even think he should help take care of his own child! It's like the pair of them are on a mission to set back gender equality by 60 years.

OP posts:
youareallbonkers · 10/11/2014 15:08

Men don't turn into this over night, he must have been like this when you met. Either get them trained to how you want them or don't marry them and have kids Hmm

HermanSkank · 10/11/2014 15:10

You could always try not blaming other women for the fact that your DH is a useless, lazy, selfish fucker.

Just a thought.

elportodelgato · 10/11/2014 15:11

Agree, you must have known he couldn't cook before you married him and had kids, no? One of my mates has married a bloke approaching 50 who can't even scramble eggs, I have limited sympathy really, I mean: she picked him.

Original poster
Discopanda · 10/11/2014 15:13

My point is that his family encourage his behaviour, I've tried to teach him how to do things

OP posts:
HermanSkank · 10/11/2014 15:15

The point is that Sir is sitting on his arse while all the women debate whether or not he should contribute. He's playing you off against each other. Don't fall for it. Place the blame where it lies - with him.

Aherdofmims · 10/11/2014 15:15

Get him trained up now! Ignore anything MIL and GIL say - their opinion is irrelevant. Make it plain to DH that these are your expectations.

Surely he is a human being with a normal capacity for empathy and therefore is capable of putting himself in your shoes and realising that the current situation is unfair.

silveroldie2 · 10/11/2014 15:17

^ This
^ This
^ This

carlsonrichards · 10/11/2014 15:17

It's not helping, it's doing your fair share.

Plenty of people were not shown how to cook or clean at home, and they figured it out! Imagine that?

You know wage was a lazy git. That would have been a dealbreaker for me at dating stage, I do my best to make sure it is for my son and daughter, too.

And you are still skivvying for him.

Your in-laws are the least of your problems.

outofcontrol2014 · 10/11/2014 15:19

But (to PPs) - attitudes are causally linked to behaviour, right? So if we have women sitting around making excuses for these useless men (and I hear mothers doing this all the time!) then it will perpetuate these attitudes. To put it the other way round: solidarity is important, and sexism (whether from a man or a woman) is off.

I agree that the man himself bears responsibility for his uselessness, though. He needs to learn, or you need to leave OP.

firesidechat · 10/11/2014 15:19

Of course he knows how to wash up. Did any of us little women get washing up qualifications? No, because it's not exactly rocket science.

C4ro · 10/11/2014 15:19

If my DH behaved down to the level his Mum and GM would allow, he wouldn't be able to do a single thing for himself and he'd be a giant manchild like yours is.

Luckily DH isn't an idle, selfish twat and he has trained himself how to do all house drudgework as he is a team player and not a parasite.

It's not them, it's him. Have a word with your DH.

MrsBungle · 10/11/2014 15:20

Dh was brought up in a home where his mum did everything and his dad nothing except provide the money. Dh left home to go to uni and managed to cook, clean, look after himself. Your dh needs to get a grip and you need to not enable him to not do his fair share.

fromparistoberlin73 · 10/11/2014 15:24

whoah herman- easy tiger !!!

OP is your DH from sicily by any chance ????

koking aside by blaming his family you dont fix the problem, he is the problem

Winterbells · 10/11/2014 15:25

Yanbu.

They are being ridiculous for making excuses for him. You need to shake him up and make him do his fair share.

clam · 10/11/2014 15:25

Same here, MrsBungle. Dh now does all the food shopping and cooking, and a fair bit else besides. Did around half of the kiddie stuff, back in the days of nappies and so forth. Why wouldn't he? They're his kids and he lives in this house and I work too.

It staggers me when I read on here just how many men are getting away with this shit, and how many women are letting them.

BitterHoneyGreenNight · 10/11/2014 15:26

How can a grown man not know how to wash up? Or stick a frozen pizza in the oven? Of course he can. But he won't while you keep doing it for him. Ignore your ILs. Their opinion is not relevant to this situation. Which is that he is not pulling his weight. You need to have a serious conversation with him about your expectations.

Callani · 10/11/2014 15:33

I bet if you stopped washing his clothes, or cooking his food, he'd figure out how to do it pretty quickly... no matter how much he, his DM or DGM might complain about it.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/11/2014 15:34

I have been living by myself (with the DC) for 7+ years now. I would categorically not give house space to a man who wouldn't couldn't do his fair share.

Of course he could do any of these things. It's not rocket science. It's just that he has decided not to. Because he thinks it's your (ie women's) work and beneath him. A bit like he thinks of you OP

I would find a man who couldn't wash up to be

  1. irritating beyond belief
  2. thick
  3. entitled
  4. sexist
  5. deeply deeply unsexy (as a result of 1-4)

Ignore his IL's. They are just a distraction. Sort your relationship out so that your DH respects you enough not to treat you like an upaid skivvy

QuintsBombWithAWiew · 10/11/2014 15:36

More fool you for taking on such a useless man!

bigbluestars · 10/11/2014 15:41

Sorry OP but you are facilitating his behaviour by doing everything for him. You are as bad as the ILs you are seeking to blame.

LadyLuck10 · 10/11/2014 15:42

Even if his dm and dgm make all the excuses in the world for him, you knew this and still married him.
It's easy to blame them when your DH is a grown man who can decide for himself? More fool you.

Original poster
Discopanda · 10/11/2014 15:52

Is it just me or does there seem to be quite a lot of people in our generation with unhelpful/lazy DHs? I think if you don't encourage your son to learn life skills you shouldn't make excuses for him

OP posts:
QuintsBombWithAWiew · 10/11/2014 15:55

My husband is 43, like me.
In his house, his dad was a stay at home parent, he was an excellent cook. His paternal grandfather was also a a good cook, despite being quite traditional Polish families.

LadyLuck10 · 10/11/2014 15:58

No I think it's just you. In fact I think men are more helpful and self sufficient today than previous generations. Maybe you just got stuck with a bad one.

grocklebox · 10/11/2014 15:58

Your husband does nothing whatsoever in his own house and your response is to blame his mother and grandmother? Because women are always respnsible for the men, one way or another?
I'm sure they did teach him a certain way, but you married him and indulged him for how long exactly? If they are at fault, then so are you.

Or you could actually point the finger at him and make him man up and take his share.

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