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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to be sick of this out-dated attitude

46 replies

Discopanda · 10/11/2014 15:05

Warning, this is kind of another 'DH is useless' post, but I could forgive that if MIL and his grandmother didn't keep saying "he goes to work, he's bringing home the bacon" as an excuse for him not helping. He doesn't even know how to cook, wash up, etc as he was never taught how to growing up. Despite the fact that I work from home as well as doing all the housework and everything for DH and DD, they don't think he should help out, his grandmother doesn't even think he should help take care of his own child! It's like the pair of them are on a mission to set back gender equality by 60 years.

OP posts:

silveroldie2 · 10/11/2014 16:02

I'm in my 60's so not your generation OP. I would not and have never been in a long term relationship with someone as useless as your DH.

Throughout this thread you keep wanting to blame his mother/grandmother. I agree they have not helped but he is now an adult who would have to do these things for himself if he lived alone. You have enabled him to continue being a useless lump, even having a child with him without doing anything about it. Why?

DuelingFanjo · 10/11/2014 16:07

Are you washing his clothes for him? His ironing?

basgetti · 10/11/2014 16:09

How does a grown man 'not know' how to wash up?

ChelsyHandy · 10/11/2014 16:11

I found it impossible to be attracted to a man who hadn't lived independently - ie someone with similar life experiences to me. So DH and I both had our own places when we met. I just wouldn't find a helpless baby man attractive. Agree with the poster above who said you picked him - there are plenty of men who can do these things so now you have ended up with one you are going to have to try and change.

I do think its a product of upbringing and ingrained attitudes, and I find it odd and old fashioned too. DH's father once tried to tell me I needed to "look after DH" and I immediately blurted out that he wasn't a child and was perfectly capable of looking after himself, and that if he left me for not doing so, I would soon find another one! (he doesn't like me now I don't think). When I told DH he burst out laughing and said he couldn't think of anything worse than not being able to look after himself, do his own washing, cooking, ironing, etc.. These are not things you really need to be "taught", they aren't difficult, so maybe your DP has simply inherited laziness?

WalkingInMemphis · 10/11/2014 16:14

I agree with basgetti - I don't even understand how it's possible for him not to 'know how' to wash up. My dc knew how to wash up aged 2.

MonstrousRatbag · 10/11/2014 16:15

First of all, these things are not difficult for any NT adult. Women don't get 'washing-up lessons' do we? We just pick it up as we go along. Just as we do with childcare, laundry, cleaning and all other domestic drudgery.

So, please do not accept "But I don't know how" as any kind of excuse. It's a weaselly cop-out. Seriously if you try to 'train' him he will just make sure he fails the training course. It's called strategic incompetence.

But with a MIL and GMIL in the background enabling him, your options for action are limited. I would guess that if you stop doing his laundry for example, they would do it for him.

I suppose all you can do is lay down the law, and point out it is hard to have respect of desire for anyone who behaves the way he is behaving.

WalkingInMemphis · 10/11/2014 16:22

It's not helping, it's doing your fair share

Plenty of people were not shown how to cook or clean at home, and they figured it out! Imagine that?

THIS.

I didn't lift a finger at home. Other than baking a sponge or making beans on toast or a sandwhich I never cooked.

When dh and I got our first flat together at age 18 I didn't know how to cook or use a washing machine. I'd never cleaned in my life, not washed dishes or even changed a bed because my mum thought it was her job to run around and do it all. On our first proper night in the flat I had to phone my mum to ask her how to cook potatoes and how long to put a chicken in the oven for

I learned, quickly, because I had to. DH 'd at me because he had to show me how to use the washing machine...but it's really not difficult and after a 5 minute 'lesson' a monkey could do it.

Not learning/being encouraged to as a child is still no excuse for an adult.

grunty · 10/11/2014 16:23

My MIL had a similar attitude - in fact I worked full time and he worked part time and she moaned to my Mum about him having to do stuff in the house. When DD1 was newborn she told me that he had to have time to himself, wtf!!!! He told her where to go (politely) - after all he left home at 18 and had fended for himself somehow since.

It has nothing to do with housework, it is an attempt to undermine you. If he won't wash up, make him buy a dishwasher and teach him to load it. Buy him a cookery book and make him use it. Did he never cook a meal in his life before. What does he do if you go out? Let him choose some housework tasks such as cleaning/hoovering if he won't cook and divide it between you that way.

Iggi999 · 10/11/2014 16:31

I think if you don't encourage your son to learn life skills you shouldn't make excuses for him
But he has learned a valuable life skill, how to get someone else to do it all for him! Leaving his mind and time free for other pursuits.

ChickenMe · 10/11/2014 16:32

The attitude of the elders stinks. It is relevant because they are enabling him. This happens a lot. So you do feel undermined and not entitled to challenge him.
I'm lucky because OH is tidy and we share tasks. But even me thinking I'm "lucky" is silly. He should share tasks. But that's brainwashing for you aka "oh the poor silly man they cant really get the hang of it you know".
BS. They choose to or not to. I know men who love cooking and women who hate it.
OH and I both work so we both bring home the bacon and funnily enough, despite bringing home bacon, we both manage to do housework too. Why should that change just cos you have kids?
Of course if you are at home with the kids you're going to be practical and tidy up after yourself and do what chores you can-just as any working person ought to. Looking after kids is work too!

Thumbwitch · 10/11/2014 16:33

Why do you say you could forgive your DH for his uselessness if it wasn't for his female relatives' attitudes?
I couldn't forgive him for it at all!

DH isn't the most useful in the home department, but we take it in turns to cook and to wash up, because it's only reasonable that he do that.
I wouldn't accept each of us washing up after the other cooked, because he uses nearly all the cooking utensils/pans etc., whereas I can cook a meal in one pot, so that wouldn't be fair - so we have a rota. He did cheat for a bit by getting his mum to do his turn if she was over (more fool her) but I caught on to that very early on and now it's still his turn next if his mum does the washing up.

He does all his own ironing as well - I do the laundry because I have control issues with it, but then hang his shirts up on hangers and he gets to decide whether or not they need ironing before he wears them, and if they do, he gets to iron them.

Apart from anything else, as I told him, I don't want our 2 DSs growing up seeing that only women do the cooking/cleaning/washing up - it's one thing to tell them, but they will still absorb what they see happening, and I don't want that.

WalkingInMemphis · 10/11/2014 16:35

If he won't wash up, make him buy a dishwasher and teach him to load it

Sorry but this is such rubbish!

Teach him to load it? Is he five years old?!?

We got a dishwasher for the first time a few years back. It takes a bit of practice to work out the most effective way to stack things but teaching is really unnecessary. Just do it. I have taught my four year old to stack the dishwasher. I wouldn't attempt to teach another adult!

BitterHoneyGreenNight · 10/11/2014 16:36

My ex refused to pull his weight around the house. He maintained that he couldn't cook, work the dishwasher or washing machine. He had a PhD! Of course he could have done these things if he wanted. But he saw them as beneath him. He did not see domestic work as beneath me however. I was a woman and therefore expected to enjoy skivviying for him. I didn't. I left him last year.

grunty · 10/11/2014 16:41

Walkinginmemphis - I was being ironic as her DH is so useless...

HappyAgainOneDay · 10/11/2014 16:58

Don't dishwashers and other appliances come with instructional information? Presumably, DHs can read?

Thumbwitch · 10/11/2014 17:14

Yeah, but have you ever known one to actually read the instruction manual before use? As opposed to "I don't need a manual to be able to use this thing" (standard reaction from all the male people I know, God knows why!)

whatever5 · 10/11/2014 17:49

Loads of people (including me) weren't taught to cook or wash up etc when they were growing up. That doesn't mean they can't do it as adults. It's hardly rocket science. You DH is using his lack of lessons as an excuse and you have fallen for it.

I would ignore the rubbish spouted by your MIL or grandmother in law. Apart from the fact that their opinions are irrelevant they are probably biased because they want their son/grandson to have any easy life and probably don't care that much about the quality of your life.

Inertia · 10/11/2014 17:58

It's much easier to blame other women for your husband's laziness than it is to do something about it, like not doing his cooking or washing or cleaning or childcare until he learns to do his fair share.

ThatDamnedBitch · 10/11/2014 18:07

He doesn't even know how to cook, wash up, etc as he was never taught how to growing up.

Christ OP, that is not a reason it's a really poor excuse. How can you be attracted to a man that isn't capable of looking after himself?

My DH wasn't taught to do anything growing up. He had his own flat at 17, and guess what he managed to cook, clean, wash clothes etc without anyone teaching him.

Your "D"H is taking you for a complete mug.

BackforGood · 10/11/2014 18:34

What's "our generation" discopanda ?

My Mum (who would be 83 now if she were still alive) brought my brother up to expect to do the same as me and my sisters. DBro is 53 now, and it's pretty normal amongst him, my dh, my BiL and all men that I know of (obviously can't claim to know the domestic arrangements of everyone I know)in their 40s and 50s to share the workload of parenting and doing stuff in the home.
So what age are you counting in 'our generation'.

Idontseeanysontarans · 10/11/2014 18:42

DH moved in with me straight from his parents house where he wasn't taught to do anything either. It took a while admittedly but I 'trained' him for lack of a better word with one simple trick: it's called sitting on your arse and making him do it. It's amazing how quickly they learn to read instructions or where the on button is on the Hoover when they're hungry or have family coming round and the place is a mess..
It works on children who won't pull their weight despite being fully capable too - I highly recommend it!

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