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Original poster

Hubby's porn obsession

36 replies

Notsoyoungmum · 08/11/2014 14:13

My OH and I have been married for 5 years and I have two teenage boys and a teenage girl from a previous encounter. I've always known that OH likes watching porn, always alone and after the rest of the family are in bed. I'm not against porn but he won't discuss it and simply leaves the room if I mention it at all. Our sex life used to be ok in the early days of the relationship, but he says he has a low sex drive now and suffers from ED which does use as an excuse to avoid sex.
Fast forward to present, our sex life has tailed off massively (once since beginning of October), he bought a new smartphone about two months ago and has started getting up each morning, picking up the phone immediately he's out of bed and taking it with him to the toilet where he spends at least 25-30 minutes. I started to think he was having an affair and texting a significant other so waited until he was in the shower today and checked his phone. I found that he's visiting a mobile porn site and downloading loads of videos and pics. (Yesterday 99 videos) average 40-50 per day. They aren't illegal but the vast majority have youngish females in shower etc.
Being 40-something and unable to complete any sort of acrobatics in the shower, I felt really hurt that he's apparently avoiding sex with me and spending ages watching videos of young girls to get his kicks. I know that if I mention it, he will refuse to talk about it at all and he'll either go out until I've gone to bed or sleep downstairs and not talk to me. I do feel unhappy that I have spied on him as I know this is a breach of trust too. I don't want to end the marriage but feel vulnerable and this has changed my opinion of him for the worse.
Really need advice here, am I being unreasonable and should just grow up and accept that it's a bloke thing to do? Has anyone else had any similar experience they'd share to help me deal with this.
I'd welcome comments or advice from females and males here, as I can't discuss this with my family and close friends due to them all knowing my hubby really well.

OP posts:
notagainffffffffs · 08/11/2014 14:22

I cant help as such but my ex was similar and it was a total deal breaker for me. All I can say is that imuch happier without him!

Babycham1979 · 08/11/2014 15:30

Before everyone jumps on the man, maybe he deserves a little sympathy. His ED problems are probably having a huge impact on his confidence and are probably reason enough to avoid sex for fear of failure to perform. It doesn't take a Freudian psychoanalyst to realise that men's ego and sense of self is massively wrapped-up in their ability to perform sexually.

It's highly likely hat the stress and pressure of expectation to perform impacts on his ability to do so; a vicious circle. I imagine it's difficult for him to talk to you about, and that he probably doesn't want to admit it to himself. If he can get an erection to masturbate, it's probably not physiological though.

If I were you, I'd approach the subject as sensitively as possible. I realise that you feel inadequate about the porn, but it doesn't sound as if that's the key issue here, it's your sex life that is. Don't make him feel like he's under attack, and try to be patient with him; it's clearly a difficult subject for him.

A doctor would be unlikely to prescribe ED drugs for him if it's not a physiological problem, but it may be worth a try's otherwise, there are lots of places online where you can purchase them through the post (as a last resort?).

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 08/11/2014 15:33

Well it doesn't sound if his sex drive is low if he's doing this 30 mins a day?!

Sorry, I'm don't know much about ED. Does this mean he doesn't get erections at all? Or just during sex but is find masturbating?

Vivacia · 08/11/2014 15:36

Come off it babycham overuse of porn leads to these kinds of problems!

You knew he was a porn-user before you married him and you accepted that OP. How is any of this a surprise?

Does your young female daughter live with you?

StarlingMurmuration · 08/11/2014 15:37

OP, are you concerned for your daughter?

HappyHippyChick · 08/11/2014 15:37

The ED could be a result of his porn use. "It's hard to know exactly how many young men are suffering from porn-induced ED. But it's clear that this is a new phenomenon, and it's not rare."
- Dr. Abraham Morgentaler, Director of Men’s Health Boston and Clinical Professor of Urology at Harvard Medical School

KnackeredMuchly · 08/11/2014 15:40

No sex, porn, ED can all be sorted out. But only if he communicates. That is my deal breaker.

I couldn't live in a marriage where he wouldn't talk to me. He talks or I walk.

Tell him you're upset, and you need to sort it out. If he is unable to work on it together you will insist on marriage counselling

MollyHooper · 08/11/2014 15:44

I know that if I mention it, he will refuse to talk about it at all and he'll either go out until I've gone to bed or sleep downstairs and not talk to me.

I would really struggle with this.

Notsoyoung, you need to keep reminding yourself that your feelings matter, they are really, really important. If he had any sort of love and respect for you he wouldn't ignore you like that.

Does he do that often with problems you want to discuss?

untouchable · 08/11/2014 15:47

I found out my husband was a porn user after 8 years of no sex (his choice, certainly not mine). The porn replaces intimacy and affection. It says about him that he believes women can be abused for his pleasure although he truly believe the women want to do it.
I couldn't touch him with a barge pole now if he begged me to. All respect has gone. It has destroyed every ounce of confidence I had. I see your future like mine and I wouldn't recommend it. If you have the means to be without him I would.

Original poster
Notsoyoungmum · 08/11/2014 16:00

Thank you for the comments and advice.
Viv - I know it's sounds really naive (most of all to me now) but no, I didn't know about the porn before we married as we had separate houses and I "stayed" at his place rather than living with him. We combined houses after marrying. I knew most men look at porn, but OH has literally thousands of computer files of it.
Molly - yes he does this with every problem. He's the least communicative man I've ever known. I talk over problems with friends and work colleagues but this one's a bit too close to talk about.
All of the teenagers share their time between our house and Ex-H. I've never had concerns about daughter being here (she's sixteen) but this has certainly rung alarm bells as some of the pics don't look much older than her.
I have just found that I can block specific sites or keywords via our home router (no point doing it via Broadband FamilyShield as he has the password for that), so am thinking about blocking "porn" and changing the router password to let him know I know about it, as he's using the home WiFi to download it all. Feel like I'm turning into a control freak though. Sad Confused

OP posts:
Vivacia · 08/11/2014 16:02

I didn't know about the porn before we married as we had separate houses and I "stayed" at his place rather than living with him.

Oh, sorry OP Sad I misinterpreted the bit where you said you'd always known and you don't have a problem with it.

You can not control his porn use. I don't think trying to is a good idea at all.

Original poster
Notsoyoungmum · 08/11/2014 16:02

Sorry Pam, he can't keep it up during sex. No idea about his solo performances. Blush

OP posts:
untouchable · 08/11/2014 16:05

I don't believe most men look at porn

Original poster
Notsoyoungmum · 08/11/2014 16:12

Sorry untouchable, maybe too much time reading Cosmo when I was a twentysomething. I'd presumed it was the norm and I was being over sensitive and a prude about OH viewing it.
It has definitely affected my confidence, I worry that he doesn't want sex with me because I'm older, more round and not as adventurous as the video clips he's watching.

OP posts:
untouchable · 08/11/2014 16:16

It's not you OP, it's him. He is selfish and doesn't care what those young women go through and doesn't care how you feel about it either. I know a girl who did one of those shower vids, she was so young and vulnerable and
it has seriously affected her.

Vivacia · 08/11/2014 16:16

I worry that he doesn't want sex with me because I'm older, more round and not as adventurous as the video clips he's watching.

He is choosing to spend his time and energy watching these videos, rather than have sex with a real woman. That reflects on him.

What kind of videos is he in to? So far we have women young enough to be his (step)daughter.

MollyHooper · 08/11/2014 16:18

The likelihood is that he doesn't want sex with anyone because it's too much effort.

He has found a way to satisfy himself that is quick and easy and has become so use to it that sex is now difficult/impossible.

Don't blame yourself, this is his problem.

Babycham1979 · 08/11/2014 16:39

Apologies, OP, I don't mean to divert or hijack your thread; you genuinely have my sympathies with your predicament.

However, so many of these responses resonate win the standard MN hypocrisy that makes the site so widely derided. If a female poster had written about not wanting or having regular sex with her husband and - for whatever reason - preferring to masturbate alone, the thread would be full of 'leave the bastard'.

OP, clearly, your DH has some issues. If everything else in your relationship is good and you love him, then talk to him about it and get it sorted.

Oh, and as for the implication that his predilection for young, fit models suggests a predatory paedophile..... beyond parody! I see so much pathologisation of normal male sexuality on these boards, but this really is getting silly.

carlsonrichards · 08/11/2014 16:44

This would be a dealbreaker from me, but then, I'd ditch anyone who used porn at the dating stage.

'Sorry untouchable, maybe too much time reading Cosmo when I was a twentysomething. I'd presumed it was the norm and I was being over sensitive and a prude about OH viewing it. '

That's why I warn my daughter about rags like Cosmo. Bollocks it's the norm.

If it is, I'd be happy to wait for the alternative.

He doesn't have ED or low sex drive, he just gets off on young women who are probably trafficked, abused and exploited to make the shite he's downloading to get his rocks off.

What a turnoff. I don't know how anyone could respect a person who does this, much less shag him.

Vivacia · 08/11/2014 16:46

If a female poster had written about not wanting or having regular sex with her husband and - for whatever reason - preferring to masturbate alone, the thread would be full of 'leave the bastard'.

Not true. She'd be told to let her husband have a chance of being with someone willing to have a sexual relationship with him with him and both finding sexual compatibility.

talk to him about it and get it sorted.

But she can't if he walks out and refuses to discuss it, can she? As some posters have already said, this could be viewed as more significant than the actual masturbating to scenes of other women.

Vivacia · 08/11/2014 16:48

I see so much pathologisation of normal male sexuality on these boards

Using porn to the point of ED is not normal male sexuality and an anti-men comment to make.

Original poster
Notsoyoungmum · 08/11/2014 16:49

Babycham - biggest problem is that he won't talk about it (or any problem) at all, so the relationship is already on a very shaky platform.

I'm lurching between feeling contempt for the sordid nature of what he's doing (locking himself in the loo to look at porn at 47 - really?), insecure about the extent of it, and partly wanting to give him a massive "wake up and grow up" warning, so sympathy isn't high on my list of emotional feelings towards him. I'm not concerned about him being a predatory paedophile, the whole thing seems more pathetic and juvenile in some ways to me (forgive me all if I live to regret that statement, but no evidence of any feelings or awareness of my daughter).

OP posts:
untouchable · 08/11/2014 16:51

Babycham try reading what the poster said. He leaves the room if she tries to talk to him.
The OP deserves better, not to bow and scrape to someone who prefers to see young women being sold. Dear God, where is the humanity?

Crapunzel · 08/11/2014 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

untouchable · 08/11/2014 16:54

Please don't listen to porn apologists. they will stop you from seeing the truth and make you believe it is your fault for not being 18 and abused for money.