Hubby's porn obsession

[Notsoyoungmum]

My OH and I have been married for 5 years and I have two teenage boys and a teenage girl from a previous encounter. I've always known that OH likes watching porn, always alone and after the rest of the family are in bed. I'm not against porn but he won't discuss it and simply leaves the room if I mention it at all. Our sex life used to be ok in the early days of the relationship, but he says he has a low sex drive now and suffers from ED which does use as an excuse to avoid sex.
Fast forward to present, our sex life has tailed off massively (once since beginning of October), he bought a new smartphone about two months ago and has started getting up each morning, picking up the phone immediately he's out of bed and taking it with him to the toilet where he spends at least 25-30 minutes. I started to think he was having an affair and texting a significant other so waited until he was in the shower today and checked his phone. I found that he's visiting a mobile porn site and downloading loads of videos and pics. (Yesterday 99 videos) average 40-50 per day. They aren't illegal but the vast majority have youngish females in shower etc.
Being 40-something and unable to complete any sort of acrobatics in the shower, I felt really hurt that he's apparently avoiding sex with me and spending ages watching videos of young girls to get his kicks. I know that if I mention it, he will refuse to talk about it at all and he'll either go out until I've gone to bed or sleep downstairs and not talk to me. I do feel unhappy that I have spied on him as I know this is a breach of trust too. I don't want to end the marriage but feel vulnerable and this has changed my opinion of him for the worse.
Really need advice here, am I being unreasonable and should just grow up and accept that it's a bloke thing to do? Has anyone else had any similar experience they'd share to help me deal with this.
I'd welcome comments or advice from females and males here, as I can't discuss this with my family and close friends due to them all knowing my hubby really well.

Okay, a bloke that views tens and hundreds of pornographic images and videos per day has a porn addiction.

As any other addiction, he can only overcome it if he wants to. Which he obviously doesn't.

If I were you OP, I would leave. My exP spent months and months coming up with various excuses as to why he wouldn't have sex with me. He also rolled out the ED thing. Turns out that daily online fantasies and porn were more his thing.

Leave. I implore you. It will not get any better and will erode your confidence until you no longer recognise yourself.

I agree happyGoLuckyNormal. His ED and reluctance to have sex is probably a symptom of excessive masturbation. I know porn's become normalized, but viewing that much a day is definitely not healthy by any standard. He needs to confront what is an addiction.

Totally agree Happy and Joe, I do think it's an addiction, as he gets really agitated if he can't find his phone before going to bed (has even redressed and gone out to the car when he left the phone there a few nights back). I want him to admit it and get help, but know he won't unless I force a confrontation by blocking his access then confronting with the evidence log.
Sounds pathetic but I also want us to continue to be a couple and sort it out and move forward together if we can, but am concerned that he'll simply find another way to keep viewing the stuff.

Sorry for being quite pathetic and an emotional wreck on here, and huge thank you for all of your supportive comments.
xx

I want him to admit it and get help, but know he won't unless I force a confrontation by blocking his access then confronting with the evidence log.

I disagree. Tell him, this is your line in the sand. It's either marriage counselling or you leave him. Or whatever your ultimatum is.

You're not pathetic at all. It took me over 2.5 years to leave him and there were other factors included towards the end!

I know just how bad this can make you feel.

If you feel like you want to work on it then I would say you're in for a hard, thankless journey as it doesn't sound like he wants to change. Or even accept that it's a problem?

You will have to be prepared to live with the worry at the back of your mind. You can't police his activities and you have to leave them to it. If they want to do it, then they will. If you constantly hound them over it they'll paint you out as a nag and say you drove him to it, etc.

He will say "okay" to marriage counselling and then do nothing about it.

read Patric Cairns ...In the shadows of the net!!!!

If you're going to read anything read something by Paula Hall. I went on training delivered by her only this week.

Wouldn't it be bizarre if the DP is going in the loo every day. Watching increasingly more disturbing porn in the hope that something works and gets a show of life down there...

The not talking is not great, you can't really have a relationship without communication!

If he wasn't getting results notauniquename I think it's unlikely he would be acting in the way the OP describes. There has to be a pay-off or a high to keep any addiction going. Of course I could be wrong, but I suspect it's more about the fact that he is downloading between 40-100 porn videos a day and is now programmed to only react sexually to that stimulus. His familiar partner can't match up to all that variety.

Are you sure he's worth persevering with OP? You might find he's perfectly happy wanking away for hours in the privacy of a little bedsit by himself...

Babycham MN posters tend to give similar responses whatever way around the genders are on this subject.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2235253-Advice-please