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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to feel hurt that my parents don't want us for Christmas?

45 replies

WotchOotErAPolis · 07/11/2014 15:54

Just broached the subject of going up to Glasgow for a week at Xmas. We live in Hampshire. Mum said no as Dad is already stressing about the idea. He is almost recovered from a hip op he had in July & I'm certain he has OCD as he can't stand any change or disorder. He & Mum have always been stressy people & always have something to moan about.

But - they are my parents & my kids Grandparents. I love them and miss them & I want to spend the holiday with them. I feel hurt that they don't want us and that we are too much trouble. One of my sisters lives with them & the other lives 10 minutes walk away so they see each other all the time. My kids have ts seen their GD for about four years now and the last time they saw their GM was October 2013. The last time I saw the was in May this year but I could only go up for a weekend. The last time we all spent xmas together was 10 years ago while I was undergoing chemo & they came to help.

I feel so sad that I live down south & that they find it so hard to want to be with us at all. It's not that we are really so far away. My boss's family live in Dundee & she's been up there with her husband and two kids twice since April. They all sleep on the floor in sleeping bags in their GPs house. Iamsoenviohs that she can just drive up there & back for a week & that their GPS are so doting. When mine have visited they have never offered too after the kids so that DH & I could go out together, nor have they ever seemed to enjoy spoiling their GKs.

Skype is all very well but you cant hug your Mum & Dad over Skype!

OP posts:

Original poster

WotchOotErAPolis · 07/11/2014 15:56

Bloody iphone ...I am so envious...(of my boss)
...they haven't seen ...

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 07/11/2014 15:58

How about staying in a hotel or B&B?

That way you can visit them, but it won't be too much.

Do they like your DH? And are your kids well behaved?

ShatnersBassoon · 07/11/2014 16:00

I admire their honesty. Imagine if they'd said yes to save hurting your feelings, then it became clear you were in the way after travelling the length of the country and pinning your hopes on a jolly family Christmas.

Try to arrange a visit for the new year, when your parents will probably feel under less pressure to 'entertain' than they would at Christmas.

I like the hotel suggestion too. Hosting at Christmas can be very tiring, and a week is a long time to have house guests really.

TheWitTank · 07/11/2014 16:00

Was also going to suggest a b&b or hotel?

Bilberry · 07/11/2014 16:01

Unfortunately, we can't make people what we want them to be. Maybe the thought of looking after your family for a week is a bit overwhelming. Could you not stay with your sister or in a travel-lodge? Or invite term down to yours? They may be a bit more receptive to spending time with you if they aren't doing the hosting?

Can understand why you are upset though.

turkeyboots · 07/11/2014 16:02

If you have siblings nearby could they put you put, or help find accommodation for you? We once house Sat for my grandmother's neighbour so we could visit but when she needed her space.

amyhamster · 07/11/2014 16:03

Could you stay with your sister who lives close by?

Why haven't your kids seen them in 4 years?
Can't you take them in the summer holidays ?

rookiemater · 07/11/2014 16:04

Maybe it's the fact you want to go for a week, that's a long time if you aren't used to having people around. Could you see if there are any nice holiday lets in the area - maybe don't stay in Glasgow but somewhere in the countryside and broach the idea of staying for one night instead of a week.

I can understand your hurt though.

OpalQuartz · 07/11/2014 16:04

Could they stay at yours?

cococandyfloss · 07/11/2014 16:04

Can you stay at your sister's house who is 10 mins away or stay in a hotel for a couple of nights so that there is no added stress on your parents but you can still have time together and see each other without imposing on their hospitality (although I am sorry that your parents see it as imposing)

Can I ask how many children you have , has there been an incident in the past or are your children particularly disruptive. This shouldn't matter of course but just trying to help you think of a reason why they are reluctant for the visit.

As a side , my parents are really good with my kids and would be really pleased if we wanted to stay however they too wouldn't think to offer to baby sit if they visited. A visit for them is to see us all and spend time as a family not to be baby sitters.

Triliteral · 07/11/2014 16:04

We stay in Premier Inn in East Kilbride when we visit my in-laws in Glasgow. They're stressy OCD types too, and it's actually much more relaxing for us since we stopped trying to stay with them. TripAdvisor is a great help when you want to know where is good to stay.

cococandyfloss · 07/11/2014 16:05

Cross post with Worra!

kelda · 07/11/2014 16:07

Don't feel hurt. We are in a similar position - parents have asked us not to come for Christmas because they find it too stressful, one of my parents is also having an operation.

I am not offended or hurt at all - I am glad they felt they could tell me this. The last thing I want to do is stress out my parents.

Bowlersarm · 07/11/2014 16:10

Agreeing with posters. Can you cut down the visit and stay with your sister or local B and B or hotel?

lynniep · 07/11/2014 16:13

Well I understand it, if they are panicking about you being in the house.

We are going up north to visit relatives at christmas, but we are a) staying in a hotel for 3 nights and b) doing it just before christmas so as not to put any 'christmas day' stress on them. We will be back home again on xmas eve (so I'm going to have to be flipping organised)

Its expensive, and we all hate the drive, but I wouldn't dream of us all descending on my DStepMum for an extended (more than a few hours) period at a time. Its too much. She likes her peace too much.
Is that an option for you - to find a hotel?

Triliteral · 07/11/2014 16:16

Incidentally, I think it's natural to feel hurt, but it's probably better that they are honest with you if they feel they just can't cope, and I'm sure that's what it is rather than that they don't love and value you and your family. I hope it's something you can work round. We started staying elsewhere after several years of none-too-pleasant visits where everyone ended up not enjoying themselves.

Vivacia · 07/11/2014 16:18

I understand why you feel hurt, but I also understand their situation.

Compromises appear to be:

stay nearby, but not in their house.
say you are visiting them all, not just your parents.
go for a shorter stay.
go at a less significant time of year, perhaps between Boxing Day and New Year's Eve?

I think you should talk to them about how much you miss them and sometimes wish you lived closer so you could see as much of them as your siblings do.

Pinkje · 07/11/2014 16:18

Air bnb or house swap.

BrieAndChilli · 07/11/2014 16:22

My sister has always gone to my mums for Xmas every year (lives 20 min away so can just go for day but often stayed over) a couple of years ago she split with her partner a couple of mints before Xmas so was just her and my baby nephew. When she asked about Xmas arrangements my mum told her she wasn't welcome at Xmas and to ask me if she could come to me instead!!!! I still for know how che could do that after having her for every year and when she was alone with a baby.
But then this is the same mother that told me 2 hours straight up a motorway was too much of a drive for her to come visit us and then in the following months drove to Ireland via the ferry (so literally driving past us in South Wales to get there) went to Florida and drove around there and drove to butlins!

rookiemater · 07/11/2014 16:22

Actually I wish we could stay in a hotel rather than at relatives when we go and visit.
We love being there but have to sleep on an old,very saggy and smelly mattress when we stay. DH ended up sleeping in the living room last time as he couldn't get to sleep at all. As it's the back room, we need to tidy it up as soon as we get up each day.

I would love to stay at the hotel opposite in a nice warm comfy, clean bed, but the relative would be so upset and they are lovely so we just couldn't.

MaryWestmacott · 07/11/2014 16:27

what about your PIL? Spend christmas day with them, they are as much your DCs grandparents. Does your DH have any siblings near by?

Can you ask your sister for an invite, or stay in a hotel/B&B, perhaps between Christmas and new year so not for the 'big' days and not for too long.

And sadly, you need to accept your parents won't be the grandparents you want them to be, so even if you went, they wouldn't turn into a werthers originals advert. Build your own family traditions for you, your DH and DCs. Invite local frends over for mulled wine on Christmas eve, plan things to do over the christmas week (ice skating, panto, ballet etc), book in to see other families locally.

Your children won't know they are missing out on a relationship with their maternal grandparents, and actually, they are virtual strangers, it would be odd for your DCs to spend christmas with people they don't know.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 07/11/2014 16:28

I admire their honesty too, but its brutal isn't it, some people are just odd.

I wonder do both feel this way or is your mother missing out because of your father?

Actually I wish we could stay in a hotel rather than at relatives when we go and visit. with my own parents no, with other relis, yes.

depends on lots doesnt it. I hope my door will always be open to my DC.

Lovetheleaves · 07/11/2014 16:29

Op can you not rent a house or stay with your sister. How come you haven't gone up during the last 4 years with your dc. Surely you could spend a weekend in a travel lodge close by and see your parents.
Also could they not come to you.

Original poster

WotchOotErAPolis · 07/11/2014 17:24

Lots of possibilities but as DH has been out of work since April and has only just found a job, the ££ are just not there, but makes me think maybe we should wait until we've had a chance to bolster our finances before going up and then we can afford to stay in a B&b. When we've used a Premier Inn before we had to have two double rooms as our kids are 17, 15 & almost 12, so it all adds up.

After all, we still need ££ for Christmas itself (lunch, pressies etc).

I just feel resentful that my two sisters have my parents 'on tap'.

My PiL sadly are both dead but when they were around, we saw them a lot in the summer as we used to have a static caravan on the same site as them and they lived closer than my parents do. However, they traditionally used to go and stay with my SiL and her family of 5, for Xmas and never came to spend Xmas with us. Made me feel resentful then, so doesn't help now that my folks don't seem to want to be with us either.

OP posts:

Original poster

WotchOotErAPolis · 07/11/2014 17:26

They have been to see us years ago, but Mum has had a knee replacement and Dad has recently had a second hip replacement so I don't feel it's fair to ask them to travel to us, which is the whole point of trying to get up to see them.

OP posts:

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