To not understand why in laws insist on have dd alone?

[Kab13]

For various reasons I don't feel comfortable leaving my dd alone with my pil. She has only just started spending time alone with my own mum and even them it's for small periods of time or in the evening when dd is asleep and my mum is just listening out for her.
My mum has never nagged to take dd on her own and I'm having a hard time understanding why my in laws insist on it.
I understand why they want to see their granddaughter, we see them as regularly as possible. But they keep outright asking why they can't have her alone.
Why? Wouldn't they rather see their son along with their granddaughter?
I can't help but feel it's a weird control thing (very likely) and it makes me feel uneasy.
I'm not sure what to tell them, but I don't trust them.
They don't have any respect for us as parents or even us as adults, they are nasty to their own son and mil is always making comments about how she wished she had more children (she only had the one) and it worries me she's using my dd to fill that void.
I don't want to fall out with them, I just wish they'd see is weekly as a family then insist on taking her overnight/for days on end.
They haven't been about in her life, they moved away shortly after dd was born, she's a very challenging child who is in the process of being diagnosed with asd, she hates being left and they just don't back down.
Rant , sorry .
Any other grandmas out there that want their gc alone? Maybe it's not unusual at all :)

This thread does not restore my faith in human nature!

Have a look, I'm sure there was almost an identical thread on here a few months ago. You could maybe pm the other poster and see how they are getting on a few months down the line.

Hi op I'm in a similar position. I don't trust my parents with my dd. I feel uneasy and I don't trust them to look after her. So I won't leave her with them, end of. Mum whinging at me, I kept calmly saying no. No that won't work. No thanks. No.

If your pil are abusive to an extent then you can't compare them to 'normal' grandparents, who of course you would leave your child with.

My dd regularly spends time with my pil without me and I trust them.

That's what it comes down to- trust. If you feel in your gut that you don't trust them with her, just don't do it. It's your job to protect your child, and that's what you are doing by being present in the PILs company.

DMIL has always been vocal about longing to have DS to herself since he was born. She's had him a fair few times now (he's 5yo) but always in our home - she's still waiting for him to go to hers overnight. DS has much more contact with DMIL than my parents, because she lives closer.

But, she is pretty good at sharing all her feelings and desires, and has been very willing to spend time with DS in other ways on our terms. So all of this seems normal to us in that context. I'm pretty sure it's normal for GPs to love having time by themselves with DGC - just some of them talk about it more than others.

I think your situation is very different. And I personally would have no qualms about saying no to any unsupervised time in the circumstances you describe.

DS is 5yo, and has recently been diagnosed with ASD. I'm not sure if/when he will stay overnight alone at DMIL's house. We recently discovered that he had (mis)interpreted DMIL showing him her spare bedroom when we visited and saying that it would be his room when he came to stay as meaning that, at some unspecified point in the future, he was going to go to live with her instead of us .

I guess life can be pretty confusing/scary for kids with ASD sometimes.

So I would be extra cautious in your position.

I really don't understand this issue at all. My DS is 7m/o and I have no issues with the GP having alone time with him.

My FIL has had him for a few times, usually for about 2 hours on each occasion.

My mom has had him many times, the longest length of time being about 5 hours.

My dad has also had him on numerous occasions, sometimes for up to 6 hours.

I will continue to let all GP have alone time with DS as forming their own special bond with him is really important - for both them and DS. Grandparents can play a very special and important role in their GC's lives and I think it's something to be encouraged and allowed to flourish.

By doing it from a young age I won't have a toddler who "won't be ready" when he's older.

My sister is exactly the same and has allowed both her children to have sleepovers at their GP's since they were 1.

My mom takes my sister's children on holiday every year and has done since they were 18 months old.

When me and my sister were younger we absolutely loved our GP (still do) and spending time with them was just lovely and we have loads of memories when it was just them and us. Maybe that's why we are both so eager to want our children to form close bonds with their GP's.

Indigo18 I think the op doesn't have a 'normal' relationship with her pil. She has detailed how they treated her DH and how they lied about the dd behaviour. These are not emotionally healthy behaviours and it's from this evidence that's forming her view of untrustworthyness. I don't think it's merely a free childcare convenience thing. But I can see how you would think that if you've not experienced any abusive behaviour from people close to you.

I didn't understand either

If grandparents want time alone with the child they should take it when its convenient for the parents and child, not demand it!

So, when they are needed for unpaid chilcare, perhaps?

Or it could be to suit all parties instead of demanded to suit only one party.

indigo You seem to have an issue with the sort of mutually beneficial exchanges that take place within families? So DMIL babysits sometimes (and, to be clear, loves doing it) and we do stuff for her (e.g. we decorated her spare room when it suited her, which she would otherwise have had to pay to have done).

DMIL wants to help us, because she knows how hard we have found family life this year. It wouldn't actually help us if that help wasn't done on terms we can manage...

Threads such as this always surprise me a little, because they seem to focus so much on either/or attitudes.

I am very lucky to be involved in the lives of my DC & DGC, My GS first stayed with me alone, overnight, aged 8 months. Parents were attending a wedding. It suited everyone, and I loved having him to stay BUT would have equally enjoyed having him here with DD, as its a treat to spend time with her too. Why am I lucky? well I wouldn't have let fleas stay with my mother, so having DGCs whose parents trust me is wonderful, and surely trust is where the issues lie, in all of these discussions.

I remember being a new mum, and feeling no one could care for my child as I could. I respected that in my daughter, and never once mentioned wanting care out of her sight. As a result, we spent lots of time with her around while I played with DGC and she watched how I handled comforting her little one/treated her views on foods/etc She developed total trust in my care of her child.
On the other hand, her IL's would visit but act as "visitors" and not really engage with DGC in her presence, always standing back. If he cried, they handed him straight to her. They are lovely people, and adore their grandchild, but did absolutely nothing to gain their DILs trust in their ability to comfort & care for her child. Yet they pestered incessantly to have him "to themselves".The more they pressed the more "anti" she became because she felt pressured.
Some years down the line, he does now stay with them but it took far longer than it should have done, simply because they did nothing to establish faith in their child caring abilities, while pushing for sole responsibility.
Isn't that enough to give any young mother the heebie-jeebies.

Having DGC to stay, alone, is certainly a bonding time .... but bonding with them in front of their mother is the biggest step a grandparent can take to ensure that the parents do actually entrust their children to grandparents care.
Why is it always MILs that seem to fall foul of this? well (all other parameters being normal) they raised their son but the mother of their DGC has absolutely no idea how they parent until she sees it in action.

I wouldn't leave my DC with anyone that I didn't trust 100 per cent. However, I do think it is normal that GP want to see their GC alone. I read a lot on here about DIL not wanting to leave their DC with their MIL but are quite happy tp leave them with their mums. Having boys means that in the future I will be the MIL and would like to be as close to my GC as they are to their maternal GP.

Isitme, no I have no problem at all with those sorts of relationships. I had such a relationship with my parents and hope to foster such with any future DIL/SIL DGC that I may have (can't wait).
My comment was aimed at those who willingly allow GP to provide free care when it suits them, but then want to exclude them from contact at other times.

Indigo I don't think that's what the thread is about. It's about trust and lack of.

I wouldn't have let fleas stay with my mother love it!

indigo that makes sense to me. I also don't think that is what the OP is talking about.

enceed I think you are right. I will try to bear your approach in mind if I'm every lucky enough to be a MIL/GP .

But you must recognize that it's easier to bond with your grandchild with the parent around if the parent is your own daughter? I personally am a bit shocked at the level to which mothers in law must police themselves and carefully consider all the implications of every word they say and every gesture they make in order to be barely tolerated and allowed to be in the company of the grandchildren. You wouldn't be under that strain with your own daughter so it's no wonder you can build a relationship with her there.

Enceed you have articulated beautifully the situation as I am experiencing it. Just the other way round for me- fab Pil & sadly rubbish parents.

Enceed you have articulated beautifully the situation as I am experiencing it. Just the other way round for me- fab Pil & sadly rubbish parents.

"When I read these threads -where DIL are happy for their MIL (it is usually MIL) to mind their children free when it suits them, or are happy for the GPs to have the grandchildren 'in the long holidays', but feel that there is some selfish motive involved when GP would like time to forge a relationship with the grandchildren, or say it is all about being selfish and controlling, - I hope yet again that my DS does not have children with someone with these attitudes."
Don't remember saying my dd ever went to in laws for "free" childcare.
I pay for my dd to go to a qualified childminder I trust.
the times when dd HAS gone to I laws it's actually been REALLY inconvenient for US but convenient for IN LAWS.
She no longer goes to them because unfortunately in laws are NOT normal and Its taken me some time to realise this.
I hope too that my children feel comfortable to leave their children in my company and do not have the attitude I do, it would show they trust me and have faith in my ability to look after their precious child.
Unfortunately it's not that case for me and my in laws

Also hope if I ever have a daughter she doesn't marry a man who's mother has the artifices my mil does.
It's enough to drive anyone slightly insane.

Attitude *