To not understand why in laws insist on have dd alone?

[Kab13]

For various reasons I don't feel comfortable leaving my dd alone with my pil. She has only just started spending time alone with my own mum and even them it's for small periods of time or in the evening when dd is asleep and my mum is just listening out for her.
My mum has never nagged to take dd on her own and I'm having a hard time understanding why my in laws insist on it.
I understand why they want to see their granddaughter, we see them as regularly as possible. But they keep outright asking why they can't have her alone.
Why? Wouldn't they rather see their son along with their granddaughter?
I can't help but feel it's a weird control thing (very likely) and it makes me feel uneasy.
I'm not sure what to tell them, but I don't trust them.
They don't have any respect for us as parents or even us as adults, they are nasty to their own son and mil is always making comments about how she wished she had more children (she only had the one) and it worries me she's using my dd to fill that void.
I don't want to fall out with them, I just wish they'd see is weekly as a family then insist on taking her overnight/for days on end.
They haven't been about in her life, they moved away shortly after dd was born, she's a very challenging child who is in the process of being diagnosed with asd, she hates being left and they just don't back down.
Rant , sorry .
Any other grandmas out there that want their gc alone? Maybe it's not unusual at all :)

There is a chance (not a guarantee) that once they find out and begin to understand, that they will change from being deniers, to being completely the other way. (and drive you up the wall in new ways!). Things are changing quickly on the understanding of ASD problems, and they might have thought there should not be a problem if DH did not 'look' like there was IYSWIM.

If they do not have any respect for you either as parents or adults then they do not get to see any of you. I certainly would not be leaving my child with such people. They are not good grandparent figures to be at all around. Being nice to such people just leaves you open to receiving yet more abuse from them.

You come from a family that thankfully does not have this sort of familial dysfunction within it. Your DH is not so fortunate here.

Forget about not wanting to fall out with them, they have already decided that they want to see their grandchild on their own. You have more than enough reason not to be seeing either his parents at all. Do not expose your child to such malign influences.

I would suggest you read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward as a starting point because this is really all about power and control.

I've often heard of this on MN and I don't like it either. It comes across as being all about the GPs' needs and not caring about how the child feels, especially when it's a baby/toddler who will miss their own parents.

If everyone is happy with it that's different but if you don't want to agree to it, you don't have to.

I'm probably quite hard-line as neither my mum nor my MIL will ever be left with my DC alone, as for various reasons they can't be trusted (my mum lost both DC the only time I left them with her in public for 2 minutes, and has a history of inappropriate behaviour; MIL is just too disorganised, busy and scatty and isn't interested anyway). The only GP I'd consider to have the necessary sense is my stepdad but he's always with my mum. It's just not an option for us.

It's normal to me because I grew up spending lots of time with my Gran without my parents bring there and it never bothered me about leaving my own kids with my Mum either. So it's not odd, but if you don't trust them that's different.

Both my mum and in laws are desperate to have my kids on their own. I think it's a distance thing - they want to see him in their own environment and spoil him a bit without Mummy and Daddy being the focus of his attention. Currently they all live a long way away and we don't drive so it's hard to get to them.

I've said no so far as he's only 2 and isn't used to being away from home yet. But I do want it to happen when he's a bit older - he will probably start by going for the day to the nearest one. They're all brilliant grandparents to him and I want him to have the fun of a nice time with them without us - just when I'm comfortable with it.

The positive reasons - are because they absolutely adore that little bundle, and want to get to know them, discover their interesting personality, share things with them, and develop a great relationship with them. They love them because they are the child of someone they will love forever, their own child. They will see bits they recognise, some personality traits that are passed down, some habits, and discover new ones that make the child a unique individual.

The negative reasons - they have a little being that can't fight back yet, that they can control, that they can use to control others (particularly their child). They can use the child to feed the negative aspects of their personality, wanting to be the centre of attention, not wanting to share, etc.

If it's the former, then leaving them alone is great, your DPs or DPILs can be trusted, because they love and respect you, and will treat your child in a loving and respectful way. If the latter, then you never leave them alone, EVER. In fact you should be limiting contact.

If your ILs are nasty to their own son, there is no way I would let them spend time alone your DD. Trust your instincts.

It might be normal for some GPs to insist on having the grandkids alone, it isn't in mine (excluding baby sitting), but that is irrelevant to you. You don't feel comfortable, your MIL hasn't been honest about your DDs enjoyment/lack of during a visit, they don't do things your DD would enjoy and they are horrible to your DP.

All of those are excellent excuses not to allow them to have your dd on their own. I would say to them she isn't ready yet and be polite but vague when they bring it up. What does your DP say about it all?

Allowing DCs to have time alone with GPs is good, in general.

In you own circumstances, I'd say no, not at all.

Your MIL has been nasty to you and your DP, and for that alone I'd be wary. You also feel she has the potential to use your DD as a weapon against you and your DP, so again, not a good background.

She's ignored the possibility her son might have some form of ASD, and would apparently be ashamed if she hears of your DD's likely diagnosis.

And finally, she's lied to you and your DP. Okay so it was her saying your DD was quiet and an angel after a trip out, but as other people on the trip commented that your DD was the opposite, it's clear she said what she did in the hope of persuading you to let her have your DD alone again.

And if she lied about something like this, what else would she lie about?

OP, In your situation, I'd keep saying no.

After one of their narcissistic flares (hasn't happened in a while) dp really doesn't want to be around them or let them see dd. however they "behave" In between these episodes of crazy behaviour so dp thinks they've changed, that they are trying etc and that they can eventually be the parents he deserves.
We went round on Sunday for " cup of tea" which turned into an all day affair because mil cornered dd and begged him to stay for Sunday lunch and I could tell he actually really enjoyed being around them.
To me, it's all fake and they are only "nice" when they want something in the near future.
Basically he sways depending on their current behaviour which makes me sound horrible when I say "no" even when they are being "nice".
I'm just going to sound like a crazy lady, but my mil can be incredibly nasty and I find it very hard to forgive because they aren't my parents!

OP, perhaps your DP needs to read a book I've seen recommended on here quite a lot - Toxic Parents, by Susan Forward.

It might give him an insight into why your parents act as they do.

And the nice act is simply part of a cycle. They want something, so they act nice. They want your DP to let them have your DD alone. They'll be nasty soon enough. And if you've allowed them access to your DD there's always the chance they'll drip poison in her ears.

You need to keep reminding your DP about their previous behavior. It won't change, no matter how nice they are being now. The mask will slip at some point when you don't give in.

Basically he sways depending on their current behaviour

That is something my DS does - he tends to be pulled along by what other people want/expect, and then does not know what to do if there is another pull, or if he is getting conflicting 'push and pull'. Maybe he needs some time, where he is relaxed and out of the immediate situation to talk it through.

Any other grandmas out there that want their gc alone? Maybe it's not unusual at all
I like to have my DGCs on their own because when their parents are there the dynamics are different. It is easier to build a relationship with them when their parents aren't there, and to be honest when DS is there he wants to talk to us on an adult level so although we try to play with them it all gets a bit hectic. If we have them on their own we can give all our time and attention to them.
Like all family relationships it needs negotiation. Grandparents have to respect the wishes of their children regarding the grandchildren, but the same applies in reverse. In our family there have been times when I have had the DGC to help DiL out, and times when DS and DiL have let us have the children because we have asked.
I am pretty sure we aren't toxic grandparents, and we don't have a 'hidden agenda' we just want out DGC to have happy memories of their grandparents as our DC did of theirs.
Having said all that every family is different.

My MIL was the same. She didn't want to accept me and often asked DH to come alone with DC. She wanted to take DD1 on holiday abroad without us when she was 10 months old and when we politely declined she said we were denying her a holiday! My parents have always been happy with us there too.

Personally, I've never understood the 'let me have him on my own' thing, unless you are working or something and the other person is doing you a favour...I always wonder what the other person is going to do/say that they wouldn't when the child's parents are present?
I also HATE when people also offer me a 'break' and keep insisting they have my baby on their own so I can "have some time" and then get the hump when I just say 'no thanks'. I work, I don't want a break from my child, I LIKE looking after him and spending time with him when I can!

YADNBU

Perfectly natural for GP's and close family to want to spend time alone with the children. They can relax and be as silly or childish as they want instead of being watched and judged or just not as free as they'd like. I'm surprised folk can't see why GP 's and aunties/ uncles etc would like to do this. It can be a special bonding time. Obviously you have to trust the person.

I'm having a hard time understanding why my in laws insist on it.

Join the club just remember to keep gently batting them off.

strong and controlling mils will want to take charge and do things thier way without the annoying mother hanging round.

there is no need for it, people have managed to have great relationships with GP without being constantly alone with them.

It comes across as being all about the GPs' needs and not caring about how the child feels, especially when it's a baby/toddler who will miss their own parents.

I agree which is why I find such people hard to trust as its totally selfishly motivated.

I have a friend with lovely inlaws that do take either one gc or the other for the weekend. They take turns, and I think being advanced in age, it's just easier for them to have one and not both.

This sounds different however. This MIL would take the kids and let my friend to grocery shopping alone once a week! So it doesn't sound like the same thing.

I don't think anything fishy is going on, but if you are uncomfortable with it, just say you/she whatever isn't ready yet.

They're control freaks. My friend's mum was like this. Would insist on having her grandaughter for a week at a time, then feed her all the stuff her parents didnt want her to have, and also chat shit about her parents too. She isn't the only one I know to have gone through this scenario either. Just say no. Your children - your rules if they don't like it tough, you will have to grow a thick skin to bounce off the complaints. As a parent - particularly a mother, because some people out there seem to think women's brains turn to mush the second they become a mother - there will be lots of situations where you have to put your instincts regarding the wellbeing of your children before what other adults want for them

While I think that it is perfectly normal to want to spend time alone, it is very different dynamics when you don't have to include the parent, you have to have 'normal' grandparents to want to do it.
I would just dig your heels in and not do it unless your child asks to.
I am thankful that my children were able to stay with both sets from under 2 years and it was just a home from home- but then both sets were equally pleased to see just me on my own.

When I read these threads -where DIL are happy for their MIL (it is usually MIL) to mind their children free when it suits them, or are happy for the GPs to have the grandchildren 'in the long holidays', but feel that there is some selfish motive involved when GP would like time to forge a relationship with the grandchildren, or say it is all about being selfish and controlling, - I hope yet again that my DS does not have children with someone with these attitudes.

As for 'ignoring the possibility that her son has ASD traits'; it is really only in very recent years that such traits were not just considered to be 'bad' or 'odd' behaviour.
MIL may not have wanted to upset you by saying that DD had behaved badly or thrown a tantrum; maybe she wanted you to be able to relax and know that she was not going to be fazed by such episodes.

That is why it restores my faith in human nature, indigo18.
It is such a lovely thread. I think - fingers crossed- that they choose similar partners. My future DIL is lovely, we are fairly similar, friends, and have know each other for quite a few years. Her family are very relaxed, she is close to them all - my extended family love her - there are no control issues.
Problems appear to me to all be about control,from insecure people.

Gosh - sorry wrong thread!! I thought I was on the lovely one with tips from those with older children!